Help a friend cope with suicide

[laur_454]

Hi everyone,

We just received word that my best friend's ex boyfriend killed himself last night. This (sadly) was kind of a long time coming. He had made threats, was obsessed with her, tried manipulation, and hated everyone else that was in her life. They broke up over a year ago and he's continued to call her approximately 20 times a day. She'd see him occasionally because he'd claim she was the only one to make him feel better.

Finally, he took too many pills last night and decided to shoot himself. My friend is a total wreck, inconsolable, and feeling guilty. I've got to see her later and I've never dealt with a suicide before. Any advice?

Thanks.

[carenkh]

I think to just be there, for now, is important. Let her express whatever she needs to express, hold her, BE there.

I attempted suicide almost 20 years ago. It was no one's responsibility but mine. While I'm very appreciative of the experience and everything it brought me, I wasn't in my right mind at the time.

Eventually, to talk about how it's not her responsibility, that he made a choice, etc. might be the right thing.

[evacorges]

your friend probably has not dealt with a suicide before either.

provide a listening ear. Accept whatever feelings she needs to vent. provide more of a listening ear.
That's all she needs right now, really. And cups of tea, and soup...

The whole helping her see that she had no influence over his actions usually comes later, after the first shock is past. Anything she is feeling right now is ok. You are bringing her the gift of your presence, which is a large one as many will flee such an emotionally disturbing situation.

Just being there for her is enough. Nothing more is required. Be yourself. Listen. Talk. Question. Be Silent. Nothing wrong with silence!
You are not required to present solutions here. You being there is enough.

Courage!

[Dannyboy1]

It's not her fault. She didn't kill him. He chose to kill himself. It is his sole responsibility no matter who he tried to blame before he did it. He was sick. There was no way she should have felt obligated to stay with him. He blackmailed her. What he did was manipulative beyond measure. He was mentally unbalanced. He could have chosen to get help, but instead he decided to attack her in the only way he thought he could. She is the victim here. Not him.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

It's not her fault. She didn't kill him. He chose to kill himself. It is his sole responsibility no matter who he tried to blame before he did it. He was sick. There was no way she should have felt obligated to stay with him. He blackmailed her. What he did was manipulative beyond measure. He was mentally unbalanced. He could have chosen to get help, but instead he decided to attack her in the only way he thought he could. She is the victim here. Not him.

hear, hear!
I completely agree.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

A friend of mine killed himself a few months ago. The range of reactions in the many people we mutually knew was so varied that I can't say there is one way to go about helping someone through a time like this. For me, just knowing that someone cared -- having them reach out and give a hug, listen to me talk, sit with me when I couldn't talk -- helped. I'd not try to say anything profound, it usually just ends up sounding trite at a time like this. Just be open to your friend and take cues from her on what she might need. If you watch and listen closely (turning off that part of your mind that is worried about finding just the right thing to say or do) you will probably get hints about what she needs right now. And if she's fretting about her role in this, you can definitely reassure her that it's not her fault. Actually, my friend's mom wrote a letter to everyone that was handed out at his funeral about how no one is to blame. I can send it to you if you'd like and you could share it with her?

I'm sending her some love right now.

[laur_454]

Thanks everyone. These responses are SO thoughtful and I very much appreciate the help. And aspiring to clarity, yes I'd love to read the letter, if you wouldn't mind. Thank you again!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I sent you a PM.

[uberinquisitive]

This happened to me.

A year and half ago, my fiancé killed himself after I ended the relationship. Besides grief, I felt extreme guilt and self-hatred. I felt I had murdered him.

What helped me?

- Therapy
- Suicide survivor support group (in person)
- Suicide survivor support group (online)
- Time

Her guilt may seem irrational to everyone else, but I've lived it and I know just how powerful those forces can be. She needs professional help to work through those issues.

I had twice weekly sessions of EFT sessions with a master practitioner for about 8 months. I also went to twice monthly in person support groups, and then posted on the online support groups daily.

I would say that the support of others was important in the mundane, practical aspects. People who cooked meals for me. People who paid bills for me. People who allowed me to cry, without judgement.

But mainly - people who stuck around after the first 3 months. It seems that, after 3 months, everyone expected me to "get over it." That was probably the most traumatizing aspect - I not only felt like a monster for killing my man, but now people were telling me I was weak to still feel this way.

Here are some suggestions for you:

- Be prepared to be extremely patient for at least 1-3 years.
- Make sure she eats 3 meals a day and drinks ALOT of water.
- Get her into therapy ASAP! By the way, there are a lot of therapists that specialize in complicated grief (suicide, murder, accidents), so they would be ideal.

For almost an entire year, my cousin took care of me. As in, was by my side almost 24 hours a day (she was studying for a grad school entrance exam). My family chipped in to help pay my expenses for almost 8 months. And I had friends who were there for me, to listen to me.

After about a year, I finally felt happy again. And today - I am living my dream life. The suicide was a tragedy, a true lemon - and, with the great help and support of professionals, family, and friends - I turned it into lemonade. Your friend can also take this event and, over the years, find the silver lining.

I wish her luck.

[sel206]

heh....weird i was feeling sucidal because my girlfriend broke up with me just 1 hour ago....

but after reading this... no way!!! This is really messed up. I wish i could have helped those guys who end up doing this. But i cant seem to even help myself at the moment.

God bless u all, and the lost souls who were sick....

[laur_454]

sel, is this solely because of your girlfriend? or are there other things that are bothering you? I found that although my friends ex tried placing blame, he actually had a whole slew of other problems that we uncovered after his death.

Also, uberinqusitive, thank you for the advice and insight. Do you know if there are any free counseling resources that I could look into?

The craziest part is that she is leaving for law school in two weeks and I know she wont take the initiative to do this on her own.

[duffy123]

Originally Posted by sel206

heh....weird i was feeling sucidal because my girlfriend broke up with me just 1 hour ago....

but after reading this... no way!!! This is really messed up. I wish i could have helped those guys who end up doing this. But i cant seem to even help myself at the moment.

God bless u all, and the lost souls who were sick....

Suicide never solves any problem. There are too many things in live too live for, you just need to see it!

[robertanthony]

I would ask your friend if she needs some short-term bearevement counselling to help her make sense of what has happened. This directory has some information.

Open Directory - Health: Mental Health: Disorders: Suicide: Support Groups

[ar81]

A cousin of mine committed suicide years ago. He was like a brother.
Since then I learned that happiness lie inside of us. If there is a storm outside, we do not need a storm inside.
Happiness is what we do WHILE we have problems.
That kept me from following the same path in the past.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by laur_454

Also, uberinqusitive, thank you for the advice and insight. Do you know if there are any free counseling resources that I could look into?

You may want to do a google search for in-person support groups around your friend's law school. These are almost always free and meet about once or twice a month.

As for one-on-one counseling - I can't think of free ones. However, I do know (because my sister is a lawyer!) that law schools take their students' mental health very seriously, because of the intense pressures in school. Your friend's law school may very well have an excellent staff of therapists offered at a discount (as in, maybe $25 a visit).

[nursense]

Good Luck..I was searching this site for the answer myself...I have been in a relationship with a man who is currently doing much the same thing...I listened to his second suicidal gesture in six months today..He tells me he hasn't gotten his 'ducks in a row'....So I can't expect a marriage from him...yet when I indicate five years for a relationship is too long to be dating...He threatens suicide...last time He took pills and overdosed after binging on alcohol all day..I took him to mental health today and he convinced the social worker' he 's 'okay'......shame on me ...This is the second time....