A conversational block

[Smokey]

Hello there forums. Long time reader, first time poster here.

No, seriously, I've grown so frustrated with my social skills that I decided to finally post here. I've never been much for being...talkative about my short comings, but you're all some pretty great people and I'd like your opinions.

I've always had a problem with conversations, it's more than just being shy around people. Even when I'm completely comfortable with people I can never think of anything to say. It's like, they talk to me and no matter what I can never think of anything to say back other than some short non-committal answer or something simple like that.

Worse yet, I'll find myself repeating the conversation later in my head when I'm alone and giving great answers that I didn't even think about at the time. I was wondering if there was some way of...improving my conversing skills. I've never needed a lot of friends, but I'm starting college soon and I'd just like to be able to communicate in a competent way. Like I do on the internet, I'm very chatty through a computer.

[BenThere]

I have two ideas for you to consider.

You don't mention if you're a guy or gal, but either way, I recommend you learn a bit about the world of pick-up artists - search for Style's The Game, Mystery Method, Social Dynamics, etc.

I am NOT suggesting that you set a goal to be a pick up artist. I AM suggesting that you realize that there are step by step techniques to go from being painfully shy, to opening conversations, to keeping a conversation going, to arranging to meet again... and if you wish, on to physical intimacy in a predictable way.

You can use the part about saying "hi" to 10 people an hour, and go as far is comfortable for your own ethics and relationship goals.

The second idea is to visit three different Toastmasters groups in your area, pick one and join it. Do all the standard roles, then give your speech # 1.

[Alexjstrandberg]

You seem to be too stuck in your head and worried about what other people think of you. You mentioned that you don't like talking about your shortcomings. I'm going to suggest that you fear being vulnerable because you fear the judgments of others. You like living in your comfort zone because no one will attack you there. So you find yourself in this nice, neat little box.

The way around a fear is through it. Do something every day that is beyond your comfort zone. The more you do this the more comfortable you will find yourself in your skin. In addition you will gain massive amounts of confidence in yourself because lack of confidence is an abundance of fear.

By doing things that are scary you will worry less what others think of you which means after a conversation is over, it's done. No more spending the entire night thinking if you said the right thing or the cool thing.

If you are a guy, I suggest taking a look at the article I wrote on my signature.

[MSC2471]

Fellow shy individual here, this is what I've learned through the years to break out of my shell in terms of conversations. Develop your listening skills, and be sure to ask questions about others when you are out in public. Sincere compliments can go a long way to break the ice- then engage in conversation regarding common interests you may have, what people do for a living, latest books/movies people have been checking out, etc.

If you focus on letting others talk about themselves, there will be opportunities to reciprocate as others will want to get to know you. Go to places where you feel comfortable with the interest and environment and that should take some of the pressure off in terms of making a conversation flow. For instance, I love going to live music shows and bowling- so either situation makes me less nervous and more open to discovering new people.

Please feel free to keep us posted on your progress.

Matt

[DayInTheLife]

The best thing I can think of is to watch other more socially adept people interact and pick up a few ideas.