|07-29-2008, 07:36 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2008
Letting go of past bullying
When I was younger I was a very shy and timid person. Back then I've been heavily bullied and abused by my classmates (in three different schools), and I do mean heavily.
Years later after moving away from to a new town, and never meeting them since, I became the confident, goal driven and ambitions person that I am now. These days I'm quite charismatic, and for one reason or the other there's no one in my near vicinity who even remotely 'hates' me.
While I personally forgave my classmates for what they did to me, and looking back I treat the whole experience as a growth opportunity (I know for a fact that I would never be the person I am now if they treated me as a friend), I still can't let go of all the pain I felt back then.
But, now that I'm older, there's a difference to the way I think of this pain. Over the years since leaving high school I developed quite a sadistic streak in me. If my old self's reaction to the pain that my classmates caused me was sadness and rejection, my current self's reaction to it is the desire and anticipation of causing this pain back at them.
It's quite often that I look back at my school days and fantasize about torturing the people who hurt me, physically and psychologically. And the most appealing thing about these scenarios is that I'd easily able to act upon them if I choose to.
Very often I would say to myself "Once I get high enough in my career to be secure, I will pay a visit to my home town and make them SUFFER"
And the thing is, I don't hate them for what they did to me (I forgave that part). I hate them because they are. Because they exist. The thought that someone like them is alive and well in this world disgusts me.
In my mind, destroying them would be the same as destroying the same qualities that I hate in the world.
Hmm, any thoughts?
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