Letting go of past bullying

[Ceros]

When I was younger I was a very shy and timid person. Back then I've been heavily bullied and abused by my classmates (in three different schools), and I do mean heavily.

Years later after moving away from to a new town, and never meeting them since, I became the confident, goal driven and ambitions person that I am now. These days I'm quite charismatic, and for one reason or the other there's no one in my near vicinity who even remotely 'hates' me.

While I personally forgave my classmates for what they did to me, and looking back I treat the whole experience as a growth opportunity (I know for a fact that I would never be the person I am now if they treated me as a friend), I still can't let go of all the pain I felt back then.

But, now that I'm older, there's a difference to the way I think of this pain. Over the years since leaving high school I developed quite a sadistic streak in me. If my old self's reaction to the pain that my classmates caused me was sadness and rejection, my current self's reaction to it is the desire and anticipation of causing this pain back at them.

It's quite often that I look back at my school days and fantasize about torturing the people who hurt me, physically and psychologically. And the most appealing thing about these scenarios is that I'd easily able to act upon them if I choose to.

Very often I would say to myself "Once I get high enough in my career to be secure, I will pay a visit to my home town and make them SUFFER"

And the thing is, I don't hate them for what they did to me (I forgave that part). I hate them because they are. Because they exist. The thought that someone like them is alive and well in this world disgusts me.
In my mind, destroying them would be the same as destroying the same qualities that I hate in the world.

Hmm, any thoughts?

[WCLV]

"While I personally forgave my classmates for what they did to me, and looking back I treat the whole experience as a growth opportunity (I know for a fact that I would never be the person I am now if they treated me as a friend), I still can't let go of all the pain I felt back then."

Sound like they did you a favor then *winks*.

But really, same thing happened to me. Bullied like crazy all through my sensitive years. Just remember, what does not kill you, only makes you stronger!

I think bullys are in this world to teach people who are hyper sensitive (you do know that is who they pick on, right?) to well, GROW SOME

Sounds like that happened to you! Congrats!

[Ceros]

Oh, I realize that I grew and I am really grateful to them for the opportunity.

But now that I became stronger I want to use my strength towards my desires, and one of those desires is to cause incredible pain and agony to them.

[WCLV]

Well then, I would say that you are truly sadistic by wanting to inflict pain and agony on those who ultimately did you a good turn!

Sounds like alot of frenemies of mine.

So, do you want to be sadistic or not? Unclear now.

[ns123]

It's quite often that I look back at my school days and fantasize about torturing the people who hurt me, physically and psychologically. And the most appealing thing about these scenarios is that I'd easily able to act upon them if I choose to.

Very often I would say to myself "Once I get high enough in my career to be secure, I will pay a visit to my home town and make them SUFFER"

I think the tendency for revenge is a common one. I believe that those that hurt you in the past have been punished in some way, maybe not by you, but life does not act kindly towards the unkind. If they were truly bad people, life will hand them their just desserts. Karma is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and it comes back ten fold.

On the other hand, some individuals of the group that hurt you may now have regretted what they did and repented it. Children (especially teenagers) can be cruel and they are very short sighted. There are a great many things I did (never bullying though), or did not do, when I was young that I would never repeat with the brain I have now.

When you forgive, you let go of the anger. It takes time. But it will get easier as time goes by. Forgive yourself.

[Ceros]

Well then, I would say that you are truly sadistic by wanting to inflict pain and agony on those who ultimately did you a good turn!

They didn't "do me a good turn". They did something horrible to me, and it was myself who turned that around into a good turn. That doesn't mean that I should thank them, as it was never their intention for this to happen.

So, do you want to be sadistic or not? Unclear now.

Don't know. It certainly brings me joy when I imagine them suffering.

I think the tendency for revenge is a common one.

As I said (and this is important) I'm not driven by revenge. I'm driven by hatred. What they did to me no longer matters. What matters is that they still exist and that I want them to suffer.

I believe that those that hurt you in the past have been punished in some way, maybe not by you, but life does not act kindly towards the unkind. If they were truly bad people, life will hand them their just desserts. Karma is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and it comes back ten fold.

I believe in a subjective reality. Hence, if I want them to be punished, I should do it myself. What use to me the idea that they got punished if I never saw it happen?

When you forgive, you let go of the anger. It takes time. But it will get easier as time goes by. Forgive yourself.

Time doesn't heal. It makes you forget. I want to find a workable solution to this dilemma, not wait until it festers and grows into something even more hideous.

[Wax Frog]

For what it's worth, whatever lingering hate I may have had for my own collection of bullies (and there were many) finally dissipated when I came to realize that they were all carrying their own hells around inside them. I actually discovered that one of my worst tormentors ended up a wreck of an adult, and ultimately dead.

Sooner or later, accounts have a way of settling themselves.

You imply you've carved out a successful life for yourself. That would be what I refer to as "constructive revenge", the only kind worth having. I hope you can find it in yourself to leave it at that.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Ceros

As I said (and this is important) I'm not driven by revenge. I'm driven by hatred. What they did to me no longer matters. What matters is that they still exist and that I want them to suffer.

So you are driven by hatred and you want to make them suffer - as they have made you suffer. That sounds like revenge to me, but call it what you will. I will not quibble over words.

If you do make them suffer, that will mean that you turned into one of them.

[funnyfish]

forgive them. all this talk of hurt, you are hurting yourself. you say you have let it go (or some of it) but you havent. they are still messing with you now, how you are feeling is proof of that. dont let them mess with you anymore. only deal with the good things. all my best

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Ceros

When I was younger I was a very shy and timid person. Back then I've been heavily bullied and abused by my classmates (in three different schools), and I do mean heavily.

Me too!

I still can't let go of all the pain I felt back then.

An excellent explanation of this phenomenon and solution to the problem can be found in a book by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now. I think it would be very interesting for you to read it

In my mind, destroying them would be the same as destroying the same qualities that I hate in the world.

That's an illusion. If you destroy them, someone else will appear in your life to represent these qualities. You'd spend your life killing people and would never be free of these qualities that you hate.

You cannot eliminate them from the world because they are inside of you. Clear them from inside of yourself.

Edit: which means, accept them as part of yourself first.

[StellaBlue]

Originally Posted by Ceros

They didn't "do me a good turn". They did something horrible to me, and it was myself who turned that around into a good turn. That doesn't mean that I should thank them, as it was never their intention for this to happen.


Don't know. It certainly brings me joy when I imagine them suffering.


As I said (and this is important) I'm not driven by revenge. I'm driven by hatred. What they did to me no longer matters. What matters is that they still exist and that I want them to suffer.


I believe in a subjective reality. Hence, if I want them to be punished, I should do it myself. What use to me the idea that they got punished if I never saw it happen?

Time doesn't heal. It makes you forget. I want to find a workable solution to this dilemma, not wait until it festers and grows into something even more hideous.

I feel for you Ceros, and I can understand how you would want revenge. I don't have a lot of advice, but I want to point out that there is a very fine line between love and hatred.

Instead of a spectrum where love is on opposite of hate:

love--------------------------------------hate

Try to picture it like this:

love
----
hate

They are both such passionate emotions. They exist side by side. Just direct all of that intense passion on the other side of the line. (If that makes sense to you at all).

There is someone in my life that I really, really hated for what he did to me. The rest of the world only reinforced my hatred for him. They would say, "You must really hate him for what he did to you. How does that feel?" It was such intense, raw hatred that I started not to like myself. I did not want to be a hateful person. Now whenever I think of him, I direct all of that intense energy into love. See if you can replace all of that hate with love, just one time, and see how it feels. It seems ridiculous at first, but it has really helped me. I felt the hatred melt away, and it is a HUUUUGE weight off of my shoulders. Hatred is exhausting!