Could use some support pretty please!

[Honeywith4bees]

Hey all~

I've been really consciously working on getting rid of the "I'm worthless" tape that runs rampant in my thoughts so much and I've been doing fairly well. I still have to be super vigilant because the gremlin is so tricky! Right now, the gremlin seems to have physical power over me. For example, I react to what someone has said instantly in a physical way, and by the time my mind can get me back on track, the other person is already hurt because they could see my body's reaction. I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve! But I am working on that, practicing deep breathing techniques and such.

My problem now, is financial. I don't get steady child support from my ex husband and even though I have tried to explain that his kids need the money, he can only tell me that he is trying. I hate being in the position of having to beg him every week so I am looking in to hiring a lawyer and having the DOR take over collection. The thing is, he is very anti - "the man" and has threatened to go underground if I go this route. So I don't have hope that I will get any cash out of him. But at least I will not feel like I am enabling him to not hold up his end of the bargain anymore. The thing is, my boyfriend sends his ex wife an alimony check every week. ALIMONY. Not even child support, (she doesn't have custody of their kids.) So, here she is an active drinker, not doing anything all day but getting drunk and going to the beauty salon, while here I am, busting my butt to work full time, care for my kids and home and try to have some kind of life. And you know what? With the rising price of food and fuel, it's getting tougher and tougher to make ends meet. I feel like the only option I've got now, is to give up the things I enjoy doing, like my Yoga classes and hanging out with my kids and boyfriend, so that I can get a second job.
This financial problem is giving "I'm worthless" and "I don't deserve it", lots and lots and LOTS of power.
Any ideas? I could use your input!
Thanks

[Angela]

First of all, I am sorry you're hurting with this.

Second of all, you are never going to get rid of "I am worthless." Sorry about that. It will be with you till the day you die. And HW4B, who are you as a possibility? What did you commit to as a way of being that inspired you?

Third of all, you've got that comparison thing going on that you might want to consider if it's worth letting go of. Your boyfriend has an agreement with his ex, he gave his word and he is keeping it, and that is a great thing. You have a man of integrity on your hands. "Why does SHE get money for nothing and I have to bust my butt?!?" -- that sounds familiar, doesn't it? And it doesn't take much for you to see that her getting money from your boyfriend is a completely separate and unrelated matter to your situation with your ex, right? She gets money (and chirrosis and bedsores) but you get this great guy. So drop that crap, willya?

Fourth of all, are you okay, right now? No, wait, that should have been second of all.

Fifth of all, who is it that you're hurting with your body language? Is there something you need to clean up with anyone, maybe make a commitment to being your inspiring possibility with instead of, well, youuuuu knowwwww....

and Sixth of all, I love you. My heart is with you, and I send you all kinds of comfort and sweetness.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Angela

First of all, I am sorry you're hurting with this.

Second of all, you are never going to get rid of "I am worthless." Sorry about that. It will be with you till the day you die. And HW4B, who are you as a possibility? What did you commit to as a way of being that inspired you?

Third of all, you've got that comparison thing going on that you might want to consider if it's worth letting go of. Your boyfriend has an agreement with his ex, he gave his word and he is keeping it, and that is a great thing. You have a man of integrity on your hands. "Why does SHE get money for nothing and I have to bust my butt?!?" -- that sounds familiar, doesn't it? And it doesn't take much for you to see that her getting money from your boyfriend is a completely separate and unrelated matter to your situation with your ex, right? She gets money (and chirrosis and bedsores) but you get this great guy. So drop that crap, willya?

Fourth of all, are you okay, right now? No, wait, that should have been second of all.

Fifth of all, who is it that you're hurting with your body language? Is there something you need to clean up with anyone, maybe make a commitment to being your inspiring possibility with instead of, well, youuuuu knowwwww....

and Sixth of all, I love you. My heart is with you, and I send you all kinds of comfort and sweetness.

Yea possibly to reiterate: Everyone has an inner skeptic in them. Yes maybe it's not the most pleasant thing..but the best way is to embrace it and accept it. Sometimes being a little skeptical of yourself isn't all that bad.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Sometimes being a little skeptical of yourself isn't all that bad.

I agree with you on that, my inner critic however, tends to get a little bit out of control

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I agree with you on that, my inner critic however, tends to get a little bit out of control

You are most likely out of alignment. Try reading this...you may not understand it...but eventually it will click in. i.e. I sent it to someone else in the forum =).

I believe I know what's going on with you. Granted I didn't read your post but by looking at your tone I think i know what's happening. The reason why you lashed out is because you can't take all the negativity that is being delivered to you. Most likely people are not allowing you to express your full self therefore creating frustration and thus build up/ intense fury (too well known with this pattern =/)

I believe what may be happening to you is what's called "spiritual anorexia". You can try picking up Sonia Choquette's book Ask your guides for her input on this. Basically you need to find what activities your soul truly enjoys and center yourself around the activities. Why you keep building up neg. energy/lashing out is because most likely people won't let you center yourself around those activities/ and or some situational event that you're in isn't allowing you to do so.

A simple way to figure this out is ask yourself What do I really like to do? Eventually if you understand it right away or in a few days it will hit you and you'll know immediately what to do.

Hope that helps. If you'd like to talk more I'm free to help...but sadly I'm still stuck in this situation so my imput may not be the best of advice.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Most likely people are not allowing you to express your full self therefore creating frustration and thus build up/ intense fury

I just gotta say..... there is only one person who is in charge of your full self-expression, and it ain't other people!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

You are most likely out of alignment.

Actually, College kid, you are more correct than you may know. In my original post I mentioned that having to give up on some of the things I love in order to work more is what was bothering me. Going to those Yoga classes is so fulfilling to me because it's a time where it's just me and my mat. I don't have anyone else to think or worry about and it's a chance to get out of my head and focus on my body. I've developed this community there as well of people that I see week after week, and some I chat with, some it's just nice to smile at and know that we are all together again.

My ex husband gave up all responsibility (financially) for himself and his children so that he could focus expressly on his own freedom and fun and that makes me really ANGRY. We had those children together and I don't get why he feels like he can put all the burden on me for his own satisfaction.

Here's the real kicker though, the secret behind it all.

I've let myself down. I'm the one that I should be angry at because my stinginess at my own self has let me just assume all responsibility and allowed him to be unaccountable.

And until I really come to terms with my own value, until I finally stop worrying about whether people will be mad at me for reporting him, until I stop worrying about whether or not I am hurting his feelings, I will be trapped in my own sticky web.

About four years ago I met a woman who was a psychic and she told me then that my ex husband "wasn't even his own true self anymore" She also said that he was going to "test me" for the rest of my life.

Until I learn enough to pass the test, that is. And thanks to all the advice/comments/ and support, I am learning!!

Love you guys . . .

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

First of all, I am sorry you're hurting with this.

What did you commit to as a way of being that inspired you?

Thanks Angela! The way of being that I am committed to becoming is "generousity". I want to be free and generous with my time, my smile, my love and my kindness. I want to be relaxed and open, not stingy and afraid.

Originally Posted by Angela

Third of all, you've got that comparison thing going on that you might want to consider if it's worth letting go of.

And how do I let go of it? By just acknowledging and then not believing it or noticing but not accepting? I'm not completely sure how . . .

Originally Posted by Angela

Fifth of all, who is it that you're hurting with your body language? Is there something you need to clean up with anyone, maybe make a commitment to being your inspiring possibility with instead of, well, youuuuu knowwwww....

The body language is soooo deeply ingrained. This morning for example, my son and I got into a conversation and I didn't like hearing what he was saying. I wanted to be open to him and be a generous listener. It wasn't until after that I realized how tight my stomache had become and how shallow my breathing was. Not exactly what I wanted to convey. So I hurt everyone, myself included. But I'm not seeing what you mean about cleaning something up with someone. I know that I harbor some deep resentments towards my ex. I have some feelings about my family too, (Mother, Father and Sister), but those feelings are less about resentment and more about resignedness. (Is that really a word?)

Originally Posted by Angela

and Sixth of all, I love you. My heart is with you, and I send you all kinds of comfort and sweetness.

Ahhh, thank you thank you thank you. I really needed that! And I love you too!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Thanks Angela! The way of being that I am committed to becoming is "generousity". I want to be free and generous with my time, my smile, my love and my kindness. I want to be relaxed and open, not stingy and afraid.

Great! Now, if you were being Generosity, what would be possible with your son? with your thoughts about your boyfriend and his arrangement with his ex? and the Biggie: If you were being Generosity, what would be possible in your relationship with your ex? (that one might be a hard one to consider, I know! But just speculate. You don't have to commit. ).

And how do I let go of it? By just acknowledging and then not believing it or noticing but not accepting? I'm not completely sure how . . .

How you let go of something is you acknowledge and accept it, maybe even thank it! -- and just let it go. One way I've found useful is I picture it as a heavy ball in my abdomen, I use my hands to reach and lift it out of my body, put it down on the ground, say buh-bye, and walk away forever (don't worry, old pain is biodegradable. It's like really good fertilizer.)

The body language is soooo deeply ingrained. This morning for example, my son and I got into a conversation and I didn't like hearing what he was saying. I wanted to be open to him and be a generous listener. It wasn't until after that I realized how tight my stomache had become and how shallow my breathing was. Not exactly what I wanted to convey. So I hurt everyone, myself included. But I'm not seeing what you mean about cleaning something up with someone. I know that I harbor some deep resentments towards my ex. I have some feelings about my family too, (Mother, Father and Sister), but those feelings are less about resentment and more about resignedness. (Is that really a word?)

Well, you just described a situation that sounds like you'd feel better about if you cleaned it up. Here you are, committed to being generosity, and giving up being worthless, and what do you do? You stop yourself from being a generous listener to your beloved son because you don't want to hear what he has to say. What impact do you imagine that has on him? Maybe that he, himself, feels worthless? When you hurt someone like this, you can tell him, "look, I'm committed to hearing everything you say to me the way you want me to hear it, and this morning I did a terrible job of that. I want you to know I love you and value everything you have to say, even when it's sometimes difficult for me to hear. I'm really sorry for being such a sucky listener, and I promise you that I will listen to you from now on the way you deserve to be listened to. Can we have that conversation again? Is there more you want to say about it?" And then listen to him and repeat back what he said and ask him if you got it the way he wants it to be gotten, free of your additions or interpretations or other crap. Repeat until HE is satisfied.

And do that with whomever else you need to clean up, too. Train the people into your life to hold you accountable for what you are committed to being, and to help you let go of what doesn't work -- cuz it doesn't work for anybody, not just you.

Ahhh, thank you thank you thank you. I really needed that! And I love you too!

Thank you! Love is grand.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

and the Biggie: If you were being Generosity, what would be possible in your relationship with your ex?

If I were being Generosity, I would accept that he is not interested in meeting his financial obligations to his children, that he is not capable of caring for them in that way.

Here comes the but . . . but if I accept that, then my children and I suffer from living in poverty?

How can I, as a Mom who so loves my children, feel good about that???

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, you just described a situation that sounds like you'd feel better about if you cleaned it up.
And do that with whomever else you need to clean up, too. Train the people into your life to hold you accountable for what you are committed to being, and to help you let go of what doesn't work -- cuz it doesn't work for anybody, not just you.

Now I understand what you mean by cleaning up. You mean not just forgiving old wounds, but actually asking forgiveness and verbally committing to the people in my life. I get it.

Interestingly, I have asked my boyfriend to call me out on my behavior whenever I turn into "the cat who walks by herself". I never used to understand how that action of mine hurt people, I only thought I was punishing myself!

[Angela]

I warned you it was a biggie! But it also looks like there are a couple of beliefs that could bear some examination for truth:

"If my ex doesn't send money, I and my children suffer in poverty."

"He is not interested in meeting his financial obligations to his children."

Really? Is that true? Can you know for certain that it is the truth?


I love this: "The Cat Who Walks by Herself." Perhaps that will be the title of your international Best-Selling book.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Interestingly, I have asked my boyfriend to call me out on my behavior whenever I turn into "the cat who walks by herself". I never used to understand how that action of mine hurt people, I only thought I was punishing myself!

You can't depend on anyone to change your behavior but yourself. I used to into angry arguments on the subway all the time because of how crazy people act. That's what I told myself. I said to myself, it's impossible not to be miserable much of the time in rush hour on the subway. One day I had a particularly bad argument and realized, I can't go on like this. I have to take the subway to go to work, so, no matter how hard it is, I have to stop myself from getting involved with any negativity with other people no matter how rude they are. I read something on anger and I realized something. It hit me like lightening. I decided the only way to avoid confrontation was to MONITOR MYSELF! Now, in the past, I always said to myself. "I shouldn't have to think about everything I do and say! That's too much work. I should just be able to be myself." That's the belief I uncovered. I thought about it and realized that my reactionary self is not really me. "I would never be such a jerk. I'm not that guy." So, I began to monitor myself. Then I realized the biggest thing, huge! I realized that monitoring myself is WAY LESS WORK than getting into a negative confrontation with a complete stranger over something I don't care about! Then, I realized, "Actually, it's a lot less work than getting into any negative argument with anyone I DO know!" I mean, how many times have you run a negative argument through your head? "That son of a... If he even tries to do that to me, I'll...." What a waste of time and energy! So, I began to monitor myself more and more and was having moderate success - less confrontations, but I was still blowing up periodically. That's when I took it a step further. Instead of saying, "Monitoring doesn't work!" I said, "What can I do to make it better?" Then, it hit me. Prepare myself for confrontations before they happen! I started getting on the subway and anticipating, "Okay, someone is going to bump me or say something rude. What am I going to do? I don't want to waste my time or energy no matter if they're wrong or not, so, I'm going to just apologize and move away." WHAT A DIFFERENCE! It was AMAZING! Within a week, suddenly I was able to avoid ALL confrontations! How much better did I feel? I felt like a new man! I was happier all the time! After a while, I was so good at avoiding the "jerks", not only did I not get upset, I actually felt GOOD that I was able to outwit the little trap that was set for me! I'd smile at everyone on the subway and if someone stepped on my foot and looked at me like it was my fault, I'd smile broadly, step aside, and say "Excuse me. I'm sorry." It was amazing. It was like I brought a positive energy with me and I could see the stress and irritation on the instigators face just disappear. I'm telling you this story to make you realize that to stop being negative, you have to begin by realizing that negativity only hurts you, even if you win. Then, you need to monitor yourself all the time, especially in situations where you know you've had problems in the past. Finally, you need to prepare yourself and have a plan to sidestep the negativity no matter what. No one ever wins an argument. Hope this helps.

[The Cloud]

I don't think you can find an answer. I'm in a similar position as you with "I can't win," and I'm beginning to think that the reason I'm not finding the answer is that I'm looking for it. But the answer is already there, isn't it? Your every motion, your every thought, all of them are being affected, aren't they? How can the answer be buried if it's so obvious? I don't know, but I think it has nothing to do with finding or searching, but just having the courage to see. It's not about being present, or casting out emotions, or letting go. It's about knowing what you already know. I can't explain it, it's like having the courage that you already have to know what you already know. Maybe you get what I'm saying? I don't. Or do I?

[jaamkie]

feeling worthless- Angela is right we've all been there, we'll all be there again; we all have our dark moments alone where we see our normal busy capable mask slip off in exhaustion, seen how selfish and needy we each are, how little we create out of how much we are given in life... but it is the best any human can do, none of us are any better, even the most accomplished person out there has their self-doubts, their sad moments of regret for all the opportunities they've passed up to choose the life they're living...

no one can take every path that is offered, no one can go back and redo their past, but we each keep walking down whatever is in front of us making better and better choices as we go along, learning and growing. You can choose to deal with your ex in a different way, you don't have to continue your patterns from the past, yes you might have enabled before, but there is no reason that you should continue to do so if it doesn't make you happy, if it doesn't feel right.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I don't think you can find an answer.

I don't think I can find an answer that will leave every one not feeling some kind of hurt. It seems that the thing to do would be to take the burden on my own shoulders so that my children don't get dragged into some kind of battle. (They already are involved in a subtle way though.)
I hope that you can find your way through your current dilemma!
With love . . .

Originally Posted by jaamkie

feeling worthless- Angela is right we've all been there, we'll all be there again; we all have our dark moments alone where we see our normal busy capable mask slip off in exhaustion, seen how selfish and needy we each are, how little we create out of how much we are given in life... but it is the best any human can do, none of us are any better, even the most accomplished person out there has their self-doubts, their sad moments of regret for all the opportunities they've passed up to choose the life they're living...

no one can take every path that is offered, no one can go back and redo their past, but we each keep walking down whatever is in front of us making better and better choices as we go along, learning and growing. You can choose to deal with your ex in a different way, you don't have to continue your patterns from the past, yes you might have enabled before, but there is no reason that you should continue to do so if it doesn't make you happy, if it doesn't feel right.

Very well put Jaaimke. It leaves me wondering though if you are okay right now??? Thanks for the post and good luck!

[Honeywith4bees]

So this morning my ex husband called me as I was on my way to work. He said he was giving me the "heads up" that he would be taking the two younger boys on a day trip with his girlfriend and her mother, at the mother's request this Thursday, so they would be missing camp. My initial physical reaction was a tightening and wanting to immediately say no.

Some background:

Last week we were in a very heated argument because he had called the 9 year old and told him that he wanted to pick him up early for his visit that day. I took the phone from the child to talk myself and find out why he wanted the earlier time. He didn't have any specific reason, he just wanted extra time with them. I told him I needed 5 minutes off the phone to think about it. When I hung up the phone, the kids came to me and said they didn't want to go. When he called back I told him that we had conducted a democratic vote and that it was decided that we would stick to our regular time. When I came to drop them off at his house, he came outside and started to yell at me. He said that I should never put the kids in the position of having to choose between parents and that I was a manipulative, self-righteous b****. He then told me to get the f*** off his property and went inside and slammed the door. (The neighbors loved it!) For the record, its generally assumed that he has some mental health issues (bipolar) coupled with on again off again substance abuse problems.

So today for him to tell me that he's talked to the kids and they want to skip the camp they are in to go with him on a day that he's not entitled to, is a little irritating, to put it mildly.

But, I thought about being Generosity and I explained that if he was interested in reimbursing me for half of the missed money from the camp, I would be fine with them going. Well he argued that I've already paid the money anyway so its irrelevant whether they go or not blah blah blah. I explained that I had given him the dates of the camp before I paid for them and also a list of dates that they would not be at camp that he could make plans for, but that seeing that this was the best day for all involved, he could feel free to split the loss with me. He turned it back to, yah whatever, all you ever care about is money, so if it makes you happy then fine, very "holier than thou-ish".

Its true. I think about money all the time. Will I have enough to heat my home this winter? Were almost out of food again even though I just shopped Saturday (Da** those growing boys!!!) The laptops broken . . .

So anyway. I tried being Generosity with him but he scares me. In the past he has not hesitated to use an exposed vulnerability to hurt me. How can I be generous and open and protect myself at the same time??

[Angela]

I can see his point. It's not like you are "out" this camp money, is it? Like he would be reimbursing you for funds lost because of his action?

On the other hand, if he's got mental and substance abuse issues, what's he doing taking the kids in the first place? Doesn't that affect his right to custody? Sounds scary.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

It leaves me wondering though if you are okay right now??? Thanks for the post and good luck!

funny you get that feeling- I was actually feeling very content when I wrote that. Now however... I get my hopes way too high, depressed about Doha talks falling apart. Not as if I have any control over it, I just was hoping for better for the world.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I don't think I can find an answer that will leave every one not feeling some kind of hurt. It seems that the thing to do would be to take the burden on my own shoulders so that my children don't get dragged into some kind of battle.

Hi, Honey! It doesn't HAVE to be a battle! If you, from a centered place of knowing it would help your kids, filed child support papers on him, and let the results of that action go: no battle! There can't be a battle with only one combatant, in other words. If he goes underground, so be it. (most of the time, the men I've known who threaten that are all talk)

Everyone may very well feel some kind of hurt. This is life, real life. People get hurt. If you're alive, you will be hurt. Your actions WILL hurt others, even when those actions in total alignment. Can you sit, and ask yourself, what is best for your kids? They need to be the focus, here. What is best for them?

In terms of letting the kids go that extra day, and miss camp... Can you see this as a gift, that he wants to see the kids? He wants a relationship with them. Even if you think he's doing it to manipulate you, etc. He *wants* to see them!

I have more to say, but must work.

I love you! You are, and will be, just fine!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Hi, Honey! It doesn't HAVE to be a battle! If you, from a centered place of knowing it would help your kids, filed child support papers on him, and let the results of that action go: no battle! There can't be a battle with only one combatant, in other words. If he goes underground, so be it. (most of the time, the men I've known who threaten that are all talk)

I certainly don't want it to be a battle, but judging from past situations, it will not be easy.

Originally Posted by carenkh

Everyone may very well feel some kind of hurt. This is life, real life. People get hurt. If you're alive, you will be hurt. Your actions WILL hurt others, even when those actions in total alignment.

This is a truth that I have a hard time with. I don't want anyone to hurt so I usually but my own feelings last to avoid the possibility.

Originally Posted by carenkh

Can you sit, and ask yourself, what is best for your kids? They need to be the focus, here. What is best for them?

Well, here is where it gets sticky.
I truly, truly do want what's best for the kids and I know that their Dad loves them and wishes to do the best for them. The sticky part is figuring out if him spending time with them is beneficial to them, or not. There are little things that I brush off as not such a big deal. When they leave me on Saturday afternoon, they leave in the clothes I've dressed them in. When they come back Sunday afternoon, they are in the same clothes. They have played, slept, and played some more, in the same clothes. They come home dirty. They never brush their teeth or wash up. But in the scope of things, that is inconsequential because it's only for a day once a week.
The parts that I can not brush off so easily are where he tells the younger boys what f***ing a**holes their older brothers are (the older boys won't go on visits anymore. Or when he belittles of his girlfriend in front of them. These are the subtle things that you can't bring to a court and demand that he stops doing.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I have more to say, but must work.

I love you! You are, and will be, just fine!

I would really love to hear what else you have to say as I know our parenting situations are somewhat the same. And thanks! I love you too!