Could use some support pretty please!
 

Hey all~

I've been really consciously working on getting rid of the "I'm worthless" tape that runs rampant in my thoughts so much and I've been doing fairly well. I still have to be super vigilant because the gremlin is so tricky! Right now, the gremlin seems to have physical power over me. For example, I react to what someone has said instantly in a physical way, and by the time my mind can get me back on track, the other person is already hurt because they could see my body's reaction. I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve! But I am working on that, practicing deep breathing techniques and such.

My problem now, is financial. I don't get steady child support from my ex husband and even though I have tried to explain that his kids need the money, he can only tell me that he is trying. I hate being in the position of having to beg him every week so I am looking in to hiring a lawyer and having the DOR take over collection. The thing is, he is very anti - "the man" and has threatened to go underground if I go this route. So I don't have hope that I will get any cash out of him. But at least I will not feel like I am enabling him to not hold up his end of the bargain anymore. The thing is, my boyfriend sends his ex wife an alimony check every week. ALIMONY. Not even child support, (she doesn't have custody of their kids.) So, here she is an active drinker, not doing anything all day but getting drunk and going to the beauty salon, while here I am, busting my butt to work full time, care for my kids and home and try to have some kind of life. And you know what? With the rising price of food and fuel, it's getting tougher and tougher to make ends meet. I feel like the only option I've got now, is to give up the things I enjoy doing, like my Yoga classes and hanging out with my kids and boyfriend, so that I can get a second job.
This financial problem is giving "I'm worthless" and "I don't deserve it", lots and lots and LOTS of power.
Any ideas? I could use your input!
Thanks

First of all, I am sorry you're hurting with this.

Second of all, you are never going to get rid of "I am worthless." Sorry about that. It will be with you till the day you die. And HW4B, who are you as a possibility? What did you commit to as a way of being that inspired you?

Third of all, you've got that comparison thing going on that you might want to consider if it's worth letting go of. Your boyfriend has an agreement with his ex, he gave his word and he is keeping it, and that is a great thing. You have a man of integrity on your hands. "Why does SHE get money for nothing and I have to bust my butt?!?" -- that sounds familiar, doesn't it? And it doesn't take much for you to see that her getting money from your boyfriend is a completely separate and unrelated matter to your situation with your ex, right? She gets money (and chirrosis and bedsores) but you get this great guy. So drop that crap, willya? :p

Fourth of all, are you okay, right now? No, wait, that should have been second of all.

Fifth of all, who is it that you're hurting with your body language? Is there something you need to clean up with anyone, maybe make a commitment to being your inspiring possibility with instead of, well, youuuuu knowwwww....

and Sixth of all, I love you. My heart is with you, and I send you all kinds of comfort and sweetness.

Yea possibly to reiterate: Everyone has an inner skeptic in them. Yes maybe it's not the most pleasant thing..but the best way is to embrace it and accept it. Sometimes being a little skeptical of yourself isn't all that bad.

Thanks Angela! The way of being that I am committed to becoming is "generousity". I want to be free and generous with my time, my smile, my love and my kindness. I want to be relaxed and open, not stingy and afraid.


And how do I let go of it? By just acknowledging and then not believing it or noticing but not accepting? I'm not completely sure how . . .


The body language is soooo deeply ingrained. This morning for example, my son and I got into a conversation and I didn't like hearing what he was saying. I wanted to be open to him and be a generous listener. It wasn't until after that I realized how tight my stomache had become and how shallow my breathing was. Not exactly what I wanted to convey. So I hurt everyone, myself included. But I'm not seeing what you mean about cleaning something up with someone. I know that I harbor some deep resentments towards my ex. I have some feelings about my family too, (Mother, Father and Sister), but those feelings are less about resentment and more about resignedness. (Is that really a word?:p)

Ahhh, thank you thank you thank you. I really needed that! And I love you too!

I agree with you on that, my inner critic however, tends to get a little bit out of control ;)

Great! Now, if you were being Generosity, what would be possible with your son? with your thoughts about your boyfriend and his arrangement with his ex? and the Biggie: If you were being Generosity, what would be possible in your relationship with your ex? (that one might be a hard one to consider, I know! But just speculate. You don't have to commit. ;)).

How you let go of something is you acknowledge and accept it, maybe even thank it! -- and just let it go. One way I've found useful is I picture it as a heavy ball in my abdomen, I use my hands to reach and lift it out of my body, put it down on the ground, say buh-bye, and walk away forever (don't worry, old pain is biodegradable. It's like really good fertilizer.)

Well, you just described a situation that sounds like you'd feel better about if you cleaned it up. Here you are, committed to being generosity, and giving up being worthless, and what do you do? You stop yourself from being a generous listener to your beloved son because you don't want to hear what he has to say. What impact do you imagine that has on him? Maybe that he, himself, feels worthless? When you hurt someone like this, you can tell him, "look, I'm committed to hearing everything you say to me the way you want me to hear it, and this morning I did a terrible job of that. I want you to know I love you and value everything you have to say, even when it's sometimes difficult for me to hear. I'm really sorry for being such a sucky listener, and I promise you that I will listen to you from now on the way you deserve to be listened to. Can we have that conversation again? Is there more you want to say about it?" And then listen to him and repeat back what he said and ask him if you got it the way he wants it to be gotten, free of your additions or interpretations or other crap. Repeat until HE is satisfied.

And do that with whomever else you need to clean up, too. Train the people into your life to hold you accountable for what you are committed to being, and to help you let go of what doesn't work -- cuz it doesn't work for anybody, not just you. ;)

Thank you! Love is grand.

If I were being Generosity, I would accept that he is not interested in meeting his financial obligations to his children, that he is not capable of caring for them in that way.

Here comes the but . . . but if I accept that, then my children and I suffer from living in poverty?

How can I, as a Mom who so loves my children, feel good about that???

Now I understand what you mean by cleaning up. You mean not just forgiving old wounds, but actually asking forgiveness and verbally committing to the people in my life. I get it.

Interestingly, I have asked my boyfriend to call me out on my behavior whenever I turn into "the cat who walks by herself". I never used to understand how that action of mine hurt people, I only thought I was punishing myself!

I warned you it was a biggie! But it also looks like there are a couple of beliefs that could bear some examination for truth:

"If my ex doesn't send money, I and my children suffer in poverty."

"He is not interested in meeting his financial obligations to his children."

Really? Is that true? Can you know for certain that it is the truth?


I love this: "The Cat Who Walks by Herself." Perhaps that will be the title of your international Best-Selling book. :D

You can always do Yoga with out going to a class. You can do Yoga by yourself, at home, in the mornings when your son is sleeping.

You can also accept that your ex is not going to give you any money for child support and adjust your finances accordingly.

There are many things you can do with your child for free, doesn't cost anything, and it will mean much more to him than anything you would ever pay for. All he needs is you, your love, and your time. That costs nothing.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, but I wanted to point out that you DO have control over a great many things. You just need to look around and take a step back to see it.

I'm sending you my love energy too.

No, it is not the truth. My boyfriend offers all the time to give me money or otherwise take care of us. But he shouldn't have to! They are not his children! My ex should not get to give up on his share of the financial obligations and still get the benefits of being a Daddy!! (Look at all the should's in that paragraph! :o)
If I just go along not enforcing the courts mandate for child support, I feel like I am enabling his lifestyle of selfishness.

Rudyard Kipling would not be too happy about that . . .

hmmmmm... how about teaching yoga, and making some money doing something you love?

Don't rely on anyone to call you out.
 

You can't depend on anyone to change your behavior but yourself. I used to into angry arguments on the subway all the time because of how crazy people act. That's what I told myself. I said to myself, it's impossible not to be miserable much of the time in rush hour on the subway. One day I had a particularly bad argument and realized, I can't go on like this. I have to take the subway to go to work, so, no matter how hard it is, I have to stop myself from getting involved with any negativity with other people no matter how rude they are. I read something on anger and I realized something. It hit me like lightening. I decided the only way to avoid confrontation was to MONITOR MYSELF! Now, in the past, I always said to myself. "I shouldn't have to think about everything I do and say! That's too much work. I should just be able to be myself." That's the belief I uncovered. I thought about it and realized that my reactionary self is not really me. "I would never be such a jerk. I'm not that guy." So, I began to monitor myself. Then I realized the biggest thing, huge! I realized that monitoring myself is WAY LESS WORK than getting into a negative confrontation with a complete stranger over something I don't care about! Then, I realized, "Actually, it's a lot less work than getting into any negative argument with anyone I DO know!" I mean, how many times have you run a negative argument through your head? "That son of a... If he even tries to do that to me, I'll...." What a waste of time and energy! So, I began to monitor myself more and more and was having moderate success - less confrontations, but I was still blowing up periodically. That's when I took it a step further. Instead of saying, "Monitoring doesn't work!" I said, "What can I do to make it better?" Then, it hit me. Prepare myself for confrontations before they happen! I started getting on the subway and anticipating, "Okay, someone is going to bump me or say something rude. What am I going to do? I don't want to waste my time or energy no matter if they're wrong or not, so, I'm going to just apologize and move away." WHAT A DIFFERENCE! It was AMAZING! Within a week, suddenly I was able to avoid ALL confrontations! How much better did I feel? I felt like a new man! I was happier all the time! After a while, I was so good at avoiding the "jerks", not only did I not get upset, I actually felt GOOD that I was able to outwit the little trap that was set for me! I'd smile at everyone on the subway and if someone stepped on my foot and looked at me like it was my fault, I'd smile broadly, step aside, and say "Excuse me. I'm sorry." It was amazing. It was like I brought a positive energy with me and I could see the stress and irritation on the instigators face just disappear. I'm telling you this story to make you realize that to stop being negative, you have to begin by realizing that negativity only hurts you, even if you win. Then, you need to monitor yourself all the time, especially in situations where you know you've had problems in the past. Finally, you need to prepare yourself and have a plan to sidestep the negativity no matter what. No one ever wins an argument. Hope this helps. :)

The benefit I receive the most from my beloved Yoga classes are the community.
We already live a pretty bare bones existence, there are 5 of us in a 1000 sq foot home (teeny compared to the average home size in the area), I grow a garden, drive a used vehicle, shop thrift stores, don't eat out at restaurants, etc etc etc.


I agree that having gratitude for what I do have, my self respect and integrity, along with a good relationship with all four of my boys, is a very valuable tool. And thanks for the love energy, I'm sending some back . . .

Hi Honey!

And yet he does! What keeps you from accepting his generosity? Being generous goes both ways, you know ;)

No, he should not.

But you cannot tie all of your well being to his being able to meet those obligations or not. By your own admission, the chances of him doing so are slight, even when you get the DOR involved (which, IMHO, you should have done ages ago). Yes, you deserve to have an ex that does all he needs to do to help you take care of your kids - but that's not who you got. There's no changing that. It is time to cut your losses and move on!

How would you live if your ex disappeared completely from your life? What adjustments would you make to your life to compensate?

Here's a thought: start living your life like you would if your ex was out of the picture (at least financially). Stop focusing on a broken past and start building a brighter future. Work on being entirely independent from him. I'm sure you can do it - you're the strong and resilient one!

Then, if the DOR somehow manages to achieve the impossible, accept that child support as a welcome extra...

Good luck and lots of love,
Jim.

I don't know the laws in your state, but I don't understand why you'd have to get a lawyer involved to go after child support.

You've given him plenty of time to show you he'll provide support on his own, and he's failed miserably. It shouldn't have to be on you to ask him for money. If I were in your shoes, I'd let the state go after him for child support, and if he decides to go underground - let him. You can't change him. He'll eventually have to account for his actions somehow, someway. It would put the burden off of you, and this power struggle and bitterness / resentment that just can't be healthy for any of you.

Sorry your ex is like this -- but it seems you have a gem now in your current boyfriend.

Best of luck to you in navigating through all this and creating a life of abundance and joy.

Allow me to suggest you something that I found amazing when trying to improve my inner self-image and let go of negative thoughts.

Straighten your back. And smile. All the time. And I mean it physically. Going to the shop. Doing laundry. Cleaning floors. Driving. Talking. Working. Even if it feels forced onto you like a mask at first, you will be amazed how it changes your perception and mood. Because when you do that, there arises disharmony in your brain between your mental state and your physical state, and since you are keeping your physical state with the power of your will, your mind will be forced to change accordingly and start giving you thoughts of joy. With time you will find this natural and perfectly according to your inner state.

While at first it seems weird (did to me), it actually falls in line of the concept that you have to give to receive. You are giving your readyness to receive joy to the universe by your body posture. And universe gives you joy.

And another one: love your body as you love your newborn child. It is just as helpless, because you are its unlimited master. Take your time, close your eyes, look into yourself and give it love. Unconditional, beautiful love - for all your organs, your skin, your legs, your feet, arms, hands, waist, eyes, hair etc. Remember that you chose it yourself as the most fitting, best and beautiful one for your current incarnation. Ask its forgiveness, because you make it work hard and perhaps do not take enough care for its true needs. If some part of it is ill or feels discomfortable, apologise to it for stressing it beyond its limits and send it lots and lots of love.

Never punish your body (even in your mind) because it gives away what your feelings are. It is not the bodys fault that you have them. It does an amazing job by pulling your attention to realise them. If you manage to suppress your body language to hide your feelings, they will just go deeper inside and cause all sorts of illnesses. Not pretty. What you can do instead is, whenever you feel distressed, stop, breathe, forgive and cast love to the person who causes the distress to you, apologise the negativity for attaching it to yourself, forgive yourself that you caused the negativity to flow to you and apologise to your body for unconsciously harming it by attracting the negative energy. If you feel that an unpleasant conversation is coming your way, you can do this before it actually happens and then visualise the way you want it to go. And it will go exactly the way you want it.

The last one is easier said than done, I am practicing it (and I mean, making pages and pages of lists of stuff that I am forgiving, writing letters, and talking to my mind a lot) and still find it complicated sometimes, because the ego is so resisting to it. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes, particularly when I am not certain in my mind about what outcome I want, I get equally fuzzy results. But I am sure that mastering it is the key for overcoming all of the ego caused suffering.

Too often we forget that we are beings of light and that all the wisdom of the world is available to us, right where we are.

Yup, you're a shoulder alright! :D

Who says you should "go along not enforcing the courts mandate for child support"? Who says you're in charge of his lifestyle? He is entitled to a lifestyle of selfishness if that's the way he wants to live, just like you are entitled to a lifestyle of shoulding if you want to. None of that means you can't do your best to ensure that the obligation is upheld. I'll bet a good councilor or attorney in this field has dealt with this blackmail issue before ("call the feds and I'll go underground!") ... for instance, they can help you become aware of and put a lien on any assets he holds.

In the meanwhile, you insisting to yourself that he is 100% responsible for being the only thing that keeps you and your kids from eating out of dumpsters and wearing shoes with holes in them is one way of avoiding what really scares you.... that you feel unable (and unwilling, subconsciously) to make your well-being and that of your kids your 100% responsibility. Again, that is not to say that you should let your ex off the hook! But if you make this guy the monster that keeps you in hell, that focus will have you miss all the doorways that lead directly into heaven.

If you were being Generosity, wouldn't it be possible that you could actually HELP your ex make good on his obligation to your kids? Isn't it possible that if you were to let go of "He is the only thing standing between my family and the gutter" and take on the possibility that HE IS FAMILY -- he is his children's father, and he might have some glimmer of desire to do the right thing for them; he doesn't want his children to starve! -- while at the same time holding him to his word, something might be possible for you and your kids, and even your ex and your boyfriend, in the realm of freedom and joy? (boy that was one stinkin' long run-on sentence, wasn't it? :p)

It sounds extraordinary and confronting, doesn't it? Well, you are in a tight spot, and what you've been doing hasn't exactly been working out the way you would like it to. Maybe this would be a good time for you to take on a way of being that is extraordinary and confronting. If you keep being what you've been being, you're gonna keep getting what you've been getting.

You got the honey and you got the stinger, Honeywith4bees. Use 'em!

I definitely am not depending on anyone to change my behavior. I have been working very intently on monitoring my thoughts and although it can be quite exhausting sometimes, I have noticed a difference. I do however, fall off the wagon sometimes and revert to my old "never mind me" attitude. I have found that having the people that I am hurting when I do this, come right out and tell me that I am hurting them, is extremely helpful to me because I value these people so, so much!
I'm glad that you were able figure that one out and make yourself (and your fellow subway riders!), so happy, and THANKS for the advice and support!

Hi Jim!

So glad to get your reply!

You are so right about that, that comment was such an eye opener for me. All the times he offers, all the times I won't accept. I was just being pure stinginess by not allowing him to be generous back to me !:eek:

Thats a really good idea for me to think about. It's part of my comparison issue too I think. I'm comparing how great my boyfriend is as a Dad and wondering why I'm not worthy of having such a Dad for my kids.

Thanks for the good advice Jim and lots of love back!

I don't have to get a lawyer, I also want to change the visitation order. He hasn't visited with my oldest son in almost two years now and just recently told me second oldest that he doesn't want him in his home anymore either. I want it written down that he doesn't have any visitation rights with them anymore so that he can't try to pull some kind of weird maneuver to make them visit against their will.

You are absolutely right about that! And thanks so much for the good luck!


I like this idea! I tried it on my lunch break walk and felt very happy and loving. Thanks for the suggestion!




Nicely put, thanks for the support!

Extraordinary and confronting? How about freakin' terrifying!!!!

I'm gonna have to digest this one for awhile. I'm glad that I'm not the one who gave up alcohol cuz this is gonna require a beer or three!

Oh Angela! You are such a master of the language!

I don't think you can find an answer. I'm in a similar position as you with "I can't win," and I'm beginning to think that the reason I'm not finding the answer is that I'm looking for it. But the answer is already there, isn't it? Your every motion, your every thought, all of them are being affected, aren't they? How can the answer be buried if it's so obvious? I don't know, but I think it has nothing to do with finding or searching, but just having the courage to see. It's not about being present, or casting out emotions, or letting go. It's about knowing what you already know. I can't explain it, it's like having the courage that you already have to know what you already know. Maybe you get what I'm saying? I don't. Or do I? :confused::)

feeling worthless- Angela is right we've all been there, we'll all be there again; we all have our dark moments alone where we see our normal busy capable mask slip off in exhaustion, seen how selfish and needy we each are, how little we create out of how much we are given in life... but it is the best any human can do, none of us are any better, even the most accomplished person out there has their self-doubts, their sad moments of regret for all the opportunities they've passed up to choose the life they're living...

no one can take every path that is offered, no one can go back and redo their past, but we each keep walking down whatever is in front of us making better and better choices as we go along, learning and growing. You can choose to deal with your ex in a different way, you don't have to continue your patterns from the past, yes you might have enabled before, but there is no reason that you should continue to do so if it doesn't make you happy, if it doesn't feel right.

I don't think I can find an answer that will leave every one not feeling some kind of hurt. It seems that the thing to do would be to take the burden on my own shoulders so that my children don't get dragged into some kind of battle. (They already are involved in a subtle way though.)
I hope that you can find your way through your current dilemma!
With love . . .


Very well put Jaaimke. It leaves me wondering though if you are okay right now??? Thanks for the post and good luck!

So this morning my ex husband called me as I was on my way to work. He said he was giving me the "heads up" that he would be taking the two younger boys on a day trip with his girlfriend and her mother, at the mother's request this Thursday, so they would be missing camp. My initial physical reaction was a tightening and wanting to immediately say no.

Some background:

Last week we were in a very heated argument because he had called the 9 year old and told him that he wanted to pick him up early for his visit that day. I took the phone from the child to talk myself and find out why he wanted the earlier time. He didn't have any specific reason, he just wanted extra time with them. I told him I needed 5 minutes off the phone to think about it. When I hung up the phone, the kids came to me and said they didn't want to go. When he called back I told him that we had conducted a democratic vote and that it was decided that we would stick to our regular time. When I came to drop them off at his house, he came outside and started to yell at me. He said that I should never put the kids in the position of having to choose between parents and that I was a manipulative, self-righteous b****. He then told me to get the f*** off his property and went inside and slammed the door. (The neighbors loved it!) For the record, its generally assumed that he has some mental health issues (bipolar) coupled with on again off again substance abuse problems.

So today for him to tell me that he's talked to the kids and they want to skip the camp they are in to go with him on a day that he's not entitled to, is a little irritating, to put it mildly.

But, I thought about being Generosity and I explained that if he was interested in reimbursing me for half of the missed money from the camp, I would be fine with them going. Well he argued that I've already paid the money anyway so its irrelevant whether they go or not blah blah blah. I explained that I had given him the dates of the camp before I paid for them and also a list of dates that they would not be at camp that he could make plans for, but that seeing that this was the best day for all involved, he could feel free to split the loss with me. He turned it back to, yah whatever, all you ever care about is money, so if it makes you happy then fine, very "holier than thou-ish".

Its true. I think about money all the time. Will I have enough to heat my home this winter? Were almost out of food again even though I just shopped Saturday (Da** those growing boys!!!) The laptops broken . . .

So anyway. I tried being Generosity with him but he scares me. In the past he has not hesitated to use an exposed vulnerability to hurt me. How can I be generous and open and protect myself at the same time??

I can see his point. It's not like you are "out" this camp money, is it? Like he would be reimbursing you for funds lost because of his action?

On the other hand, if he's got mental and substance abuse issues, what's he doing taking the kids in the first place? Doesn't that affect his right to custody? Sounds scary.

funny you get that feeling- I was actually feeling very content when I wrote that. Now however... I get my hopes way too high, depressed about Doha talks falling apart. Not as if I have any control over it, I just was hoping for better for the world.

You are most likely out of alignment. Try reading this...you may not understand it...but eventually it will click in. i.e. I sent it to someone else in the forum =).

I believe I know what's going on with you. Granted I didn't read your post but by looking at your tone I think i know what's happening. The reason why you lashed out is because you can't take all the negativity that is being delivered to you. Most likely people are not allowing you to express your full self therefore creating frustration and thus build up/ intense fury (too well known with this pattern =/)

I believe what may be happening to you is what's called "spiritual anorexia". You can try picking up Sonia Choquette's book Ask your guides for her input on this. Basically you need to find what activities your soul truly enjoys and center yourself around the activities. Why you keep building up neg. energy/lashing out is because most likely people won't let you center yourself around those activities/ and or some situational event that you're in isn't allowing you to do so.

A simple way to figure this out is ask yourself What do I really like to do? Eventually if you understand it right away or in a few days it will hit you and you'll know immediately what to do.

Hope that helps. If you'd like to talk more I'm free to help...but sadly I'm still stuck in this situation so my imput may not be the best of advice.

I just gotta say..... there is only one person who is in charge of your full self-expression, and it ain't other people! :D

True but others can inhibit this expression.

EDIT: depending on the situation if you'd like to get technical =).

Yes, you're right; some people have a special talent for challenging your ability and your right to express yourself! I think the husband in this case is one of those very special and talented people! ;)

True or maybe it's the situation. It's hard to get mad at someone when they don't know they're doing it. It's all about digging deep and finding what you really want to do. In time if you know you'll eventually get there, you'll be quite fine.