Could use some support pretty please!

[Angela]

Yes, HW4B. You will be quite fine. And we are totally and completely with you.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

On the other hand, if he's got mental and substance abuse issues, what's he doing taking the kids in the first place? Doesn't that affect his right to custody? Sounds scary.

I have consulted with a child psychologist in the past who's husband is a Family Law attorney and she said that in the Courts view, while he may express bad judgment, as long as he stays clean, (which he claims he is doing and it is hard for me to know otherwise), having bi polar and being otherwise irresponsible, is no reason to take away a man's rights to be with his children.

Just don't don't tell the guys over there on the "I Don't Feel Comfy" thread that the courts are equally in favor of men being with their children after divorce, cuz they'll never believe you, or else just claim it's an isolated incident!

However, I do have a consult with an attorney next week because of some new developments.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

You are most likely out of alignment.

Actually, College kid, you are more correct than you may know. In my original post I mentioned that having to give up on some of the things I love in order to work more is what was bothering me. Going to those Yoga classes is so fulfilling to me because it's a time where it's just me and my mat. I don't have anyone else to think or worry about and it's a chance to get out of my head and focus on my body. I've developed this community there as well of people that I see week after week, and some I chat with, some it's just nice to smile at and know that we are all together again.

My ex husband gave up all responsibility (financially) for himself and his children so that he could focus expressly on his own freedom and fun and that makes me really ANGRY. We had those children together and I don't get why he feels like he can put all the burden on me for his own satisfaction.

Here's the real kicker though, the secret behind it all.

I've let myself down. I'm the one that I should be angry at because my stinginess at my own self has let me just assume all responsibility and allowed him to be unaccountable.

And until I really come to terms with my own value, until I finally stop worrying about whether people will be mad at me for reporting him, until I stop worrying about whether or not I am hurting his feelings, I will be trapped in my own sticky web.

About four years ago I met a woman who was a psychic and she told me then that my ex husband "wasn't even his own true self anymore" She also said that he was going to "test me" for the rest of my life.

Until I learn enough to pass the test, that is. And thanks to all the advice/comments/ and support, I am learning!!

Love you guys . . .

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I don't think I can find an answer that will leave every one not feeling some kind of hurt. It seems that the thing to do would be to take the burden on my own shoulders so that my children don't get dragged into some kind of battle.

Hi, Honey! It doesn't HAVE to be a battle! If you, from a centered place of knowing it would help your kids, filed child support papers on him, and let the results of that action go: no battle! There can't be a battle with only one combatant, in other words. If he goes underground, so be it. (most of the time, the men I've known who threaten that are all talk)

Everyone may very well feel some kind of hurt. This is life, real life. People get hurt. If you're alive, you will be hurt. Your actions WILL hurt others, even when those actions in total alignment. Can you sit, and ask yourself, what is best for your kids? They need to be the focus, here. What is best for them?

In terms of letting the kids go that extra day, and miss camp... Can you see this as a gift, that he wants to see the kids? He wants a relationship with them. Even if you think he's doing it to manipulate you, etc. He *wants* to see them!

I have more to say, but must work.

I love you! You are, and will be, just fine!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Hi, Honey! It doesn't HAVE to be a battle! If you, from a centered place of knowing it would help your kids, filed child support papers on him, and let the results of that action go: no battle! There can't be a battle with only one combatant, in other words. If he goes underground, so be it. (most of the time, the men I've known who threaten that are all talk)

I certainly don't want it to be a battle, but judging from past situations, it will not be easy.

Originally Posted by carenkh

Everyone may very well feel some kind of hurt. This is life, real life. People get hurt. If you're alive, you will be hurt. Your actions WILL hurt others, even when those actions in total alignment.

This is a truth that I have a hard time with. I don't want anyone to hurt so I usually but my own feelings last to avoid the possibility.

Originally Posted by carenkh

Can you sit, and ask yourself, what is best for your kids? They need to be the focus, here. What is best for them?

Well, here is where it gets sticky.
I truly, truly do want what's best for the kids and I know that their Dad loves them and wishes to do the best for them. The sticky part is figuring out if him spending time with them is beneficial to them, or not. There are little things that I brush off as not such a big deal. When they leave me on Saturday afternoon, they leave in the clothes I've dressed them in. When they come back Sunday afternoon, they are in the same clothes. They have played, slept, and played some more, in the same clothes. They come home dirty. They never brush their teeth or wash up. But in the scope of things, that is inconsequential because it's only for a day once a week.
The parts that I can not brush off so easily are where he tells the younger boys what f***ing a**holes their older brothers are (the older boys won't go on visits anymore. Or when he belittles of his girlfriend in front of them. These are the subtle things that you can't bring to a court and demand that he stops doing.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I have more to say, but must work.

I love you! You are, and will be, just fine!

I would really love to hear what else you have to say as I know our parenting situations are somewhat the same. And thanks! I love you too!

[coLLege kid07]

Well I wouldn't say I'm right...but arriving at the plateuo that I'm at now...if you're in somewhat in a situation like I find myself now that's most likely the cause.

I'm soo happy for you that you've found yoga. That's such a wonderful feeling to do something for yourself.

Maybe that is what you must do, and accept full responsibility and kick your ex out of your life. Who knows maybe you don't feel you have enough energy. Maybe if you just keep on going with things that make you extremely happy you'll eventually have a enough energy to tell him no =)

My opinion on kids is whoever is the most responcible and better off should take care of them. If you'd like to administer things like being polite and hygenic, it will most likely fail if your husband or the father figure doesn't do the same. I believe if you just start doing things for yourself and make the choice to do what's best for you, eventually it will all fall into place (plus it'll be better for the kids too). Who knows maybe you'll meet that perfect guy someday =)

Oh and also it's good to have a decent backround of friends to help you out =)

[JimOfferman]

Honey,

I hate to break it to you, but you simply can't completely shield your kids from bad influences, whether its their dad or otherwise. Worry not about the example he sets, but worry about the example you set!

Kids are perfectly capable of seeing right from wrong.

Also, you mentioned back there that you put your own feelings aside so as to not hurt others. That's a bad policy! If you keep hurting yourself like that, you're just limiting your own ability to help those around you. Not to mention yourself...

Hang in there!
Jim.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I truly, truly do want what's best for the kids and I know that their Dad loves them and wishes to do the best for them. The sticky part is figuring out if him spending time with them is beneficial to them, or not. There are little things that I brush off as not such a big deal. When they leave me on Saturday afternoon, they leave in the clothes I've dressed them in. When they come back Sunday afternoon, they are in the same clothes. They have played, slept, and played some more, in the same clothes. They come home dirty. They never brush their teeth or wash up. But in the scope of things, that is inconsequential because it's only for a day once a week.
The parts that I can not brush off so easily are where he tells the younger boys what f***ing a**holes their older brothers are (the older boys won't go on visits anymore. Or when he belittles of his girlfriend in front of them. These are the subtle things that you can't bring to a court and demand that he stops doing.

I know this is hard - but can you know this isn't best for them? For their path, for who they're meant to be?

I had to let go of the little perfect bubble of motherhood I had created when I let my oldest go to his Dad's. Not such yucky behavior as what you're saying here, but still... not me. LOL The *only* thing I could do - the *only* thing - was to work on myself, so when he came home, he'd have some lightness and presence and solidity. It would have been really, really cruel for me to prevent a relationship with his Dad. Now that he's older, he can really see ways in which his Dad is dishonest and controlling. I never pointed this out to him. I let him and his Dad have their relationship, because it was theirs to have. Less than ideal, in my mind. BUT my son's path is his path. If he ever came to me and said, "I really don't want to go to my Dad's any more", we'd talk it over and see what needed to change. Or, if I knew his Dad was being abusive or using drugs around him, he wouldn't go. But those subtle, personality things? Had to let 'em go. It was not easy.

His Dad desired a relationship with him. It was not my place to squelch that.

I've had to work on myself so I could be a healthy, non-reactive, nonjudgmental place for my son to come to. He knows I don't really like the way his Dad parents. I imagine there are things I do his Dad doesn't like, too!

There are times my kids go for days here in the same clothes. It's their choice - hasn't hurt 'em yet! I need to clean their sheets a bit more if they choose that, but that's OK. I am guessing in your case, their Dad doesn't want to get into a struggle with them over those things, and it's easier to let it go. They'll be all right. Not the way you'd do it, but it's OK.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Until I learn enough to pass the test, that is. And thanks to all the advice/comments/ and support, I am learning!!

I agree with this statement. I feel this is probably the hardest part about p.d.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hi, Honey. I have been away a few days but I wanted to at least give you my love while I think of any good advice I may have for your situations. You are such a sweet person, that's all I've ever felt from you -- calm and sweet. Be confident that you will do your best and that your children will thrive inside that.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hi, Honey. I have been away a few days but I wanted to at least give you my love while I think of any good advice I may have for your situations. You are such a sweet person, that's all I've ever felt from you -- calm and sweet. Be confident that you will do your best and that your children will thrive inside that.

Thanks Clarity!

I've missed you! Hope you are on a fun vacation right now!

With love,