Bisexual cheating

[DayOne]

oh yeah this is an interesting one...

I've been in a relationship with a girl for two years now. She's the first girl I've ever dated and I love her.

But before I met her I'd always thought of myself as bisexual, maybe even gay.

I know I'm not gay now, as I am attracted to her and other girls. But I am still attracted to a lot of guys too.

I want to be with her, and I would quite happily agree to stay with her forever. But I also feel that there is another side of myself that I'm repressing and have never explored.

Which is why I'm struggling now.My girlfriend is away for 6 months, and I met a guy, the only person who I've spoken to about this. And he's gay. I know that if I wanted to I could experiment with him and I'm tempted.

I don't want to cheat on her. I really don't. The problem is that I both want to stay with her for as long as she'll have me...but also I need to know who I am. And I don't feel I can understand the side of me that is attracted to guys without doing something dishonest.

I don't know. I'm very confused. Thoughts?

[Trezker]

Well you should talk to your girl about this. Not us.
And, doing this while she's gone is not good...

[DayOne]

I thought some people might to know - I made the right decision.

I don't believe in signs, but this was quite weird...

I was on the phone to him (literally a one minute conversation) - when a letter from my girlfriend, the only one she has sent since leaving quite a while ago, popped through the letterbox next to me.

It made me realise that I didn't need to actually DO anything to explore what I wanted, I just had to be in a situation where I was forced to make a decision. This was that situation.

I said that I didn't think it was a good idea to meet him. And that was that.

I think I feel a lot clearer about things now.

[Stephen]

Good on you day one. I feel good for you and your girl.

Also, just remember that guys and lassies have 'thoughts' about lots of things, every day, you could say.

Lots of people fantasize and in doing so release the tension involved in these desires. I don't think I need to go into the nitty gritty, but you catch my drift.

Don't get hung up about this. Often desires seem bigger than they are, because they are 'out of bounds'. Just accept that there are things we wonder about but, there are much more important things that might be lost if we succumb to our base desire and whims.

Good luck.

[martin]

To be quite honest, I think you need to talk to her about this... let her know you need time to figure out who you are, and that you love her a lot but you are struggling.

This may not seem ideal, but if you really plan on being with her your entire life, you are going to encounter this problem again and again... lots of men who are gay/bisexual that hide it from their female counterpart end up cheating. Their sexuality becomes something they are ashamed of, that they don't embrace and instead bury. They break down and cheat with men, later feeling even more ashamed.

I think you really need to address this soon... don't bury it. I think you should tell your girlfriend about your sexuality. I think it would be very wrong for the relationship to continue without her knowing. Things are obviously not as they seem to her.

[The David]

I would definitely try to resolve this before you are committed (even two years is a fair amount of committment). I can relate because I am also a multi-faceted person, but the advice I can give is limited.

What makes you think you're repressing yourself? Some people claim to be 'integral bisexuals' (they need one of each), and I'm not in the position to tell them they are wrong, but just because you are bisexual doesn't mean you are giving too much up. Monosexuals give up a lot when they marry. They make a committment to one person, and they probably look at all the people they can't be with and feel similarly. So ask yourself if you actually feel repressed, or if it's just a compulsion you would be happier not giving into.

I second Martin, this isn't cause to be ashamed or afraid. Personally, I have a hard time having an attraction and not feeling bound by it. In past years, I swear I almost changed my facebook status because I saw an attractive person. But it's just a stupid attraction. Attractions happen for any number of reasons, and most of them probably aren't worth pursuing. You might have cheated on your girlfriend and found out it was the most boring thing you've ever done, and you only did it because he looked attractive.

And about cheating, it probably won't matter to her that it's a guy. Cheating is cheating, according to all the girls I've heard about who are in your situation.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by The David

And about cheating, it probably won't matter to her that it's a guy. Cheating is cheating, according to all the girls I've heard about who are in your situation.

Well... at least to this one girl, I think if my guy was attracted to another guy, I'd want to know before anything happend, but also I'd be involved/supportive of the feelings. I would be a lot more open to him "cheating" with a guy than with another girl- because I wouldn't feel in competition as I would with another girl...

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by The David

And about cheating, it probably won't matter to her that it's a guy. Cheating is cheating, according to all the girls I've heard about who are in your situation.

Unless it's not cheating - and it wouldn't be in an open, honest relationship. 'Cheating' implies dishonesty and sneaking around. If I were with a guy that felt a desire to be with another guy, he'd get my OK, as long as they were safe about it. I know I'm in the minority, here. If you've never been with a man, there will always be a part of you that wants to know what that's all about - why not explore it?

You might check out some of Dan Savage's columns, he's got them archived. All about being GGG - good, giving, and game. Good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure, and game for anything - within reason.

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Unless it's not cheating - and it wouldn't be in an open, honest relationship. 'Cheating' implies dishonesty and sneaking around. If I were with a guy that felt a desire to be with another guy, he'd get my OK, as long as they were safe about it. I know I'm in the minority, here. If you've never been with a man, there will always be a part of you that wants to know what that's all about - why not explore it?

You might check out some of Dan Savage's columns, he's got them archived. All about being GGG - good, giving, and game. Good in bed, giving equal time and pleasure, and game for anything - within reason.

I'm in internet love with you.

[Stephen]

In my opinion it would be most unwise to talk to your girlfriend about this. The risk of losing her would be very high.

It's easy to give advice of such paramount delicacy and importance when the fallout doesnt affect you.

Listen: sort it out in your own head, and keep it there.

How many guys fantasize about having sex with colleagues or whoever (!) but you dont run off and discuss this with your mate. Well, you do, if you want a divorce. Guess what: everyone has thoughts, many unspeakable, bouncing about in their heads. That's life. We also are smart enough to keep them there.

Good luck and remember when it's out there, it's out there.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Stephen

In my opinion it would be most unwise to talk to your girlfriend about this. The risk of losing her would be very high.

I just disagree- I think talking about it is a lot better than the alternative- not talking and acting on it and the dishonesty that would tear you apart, or not talking and slowly distancing yourself from her as she stands in the way of your desire... The risk of losing her from not speaking has to be worse than the risk of losing her from honest open discussion. Of course it should be done with some delicacy and respect not just informing her of your feelings as if you don't care about the impact on her... perhaps there is some middle road...

Also- for all of you men commenting here, how would you feel if your girlfriend admitted to an interest in another woman? Men often have such a different view of male and female homosexuality... women don't necessarily have the same view at all, though maybe in part it comes from the feeling that a woman would never force something on another woman?

[tiawood]

DayOne,

Cheating is cheating. Yes, you did the right thing by not following through with this guy. I don't know how it feels to be with Brad Pitt but does that mean I should cheat on my husband because I don't want to miss out on the experience? Ha!

If you're having these feelings you need to sort them out before getting too involved with this girl and be honest with her. A commitement is a commitement, something you can't back out on just because you want to follow your desires.

Still, glad you did the right thing. Just do it the right way in the future.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Stephen

In my opinion it would be most unwise to talk to your girlfriend about this. The risk of losing her would be very high.

It's easy to give advice of such paramount delicacy and importance when the fallout doesnt affect you.

Listen: sort it out in your own head, and keep it there.

How many guys fantasize about having sex with colleagues or whoever (!) but you dont run off and discuss this with your mate. Well, you do, if you want a divorce. Guess what: everyone has thoughts, many unspeakable, bouncing about in their heads. That's life. We also are smart enough to keep them there.

Good luck and remember when it's out there, it's out there.

I disagree too, lying kills relationships. NO relationship can grow with trust and lies break down that trust.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

I disagree too, lying kills relationships. NO relationship can grow with trust and lies break down that trust.

It's not lying.

Listen. You mom and dad have sexual thoughts about other people: they dont necessarily tell each other or anyone else for that matter.

This is making a mountain out of a molehill.

Accept that you have sexual feelings about other people and live with it.

Open pandora's box at your peril.

[martin]

Originally Posted by Stephen

It's not lying.

Listen. You mom and dad have sexual thoughts about other people: they dont necessarily tell each other or anyone else for that matter.

This is making a mountain out of a molehill.

Accept that you have sexual feelings about other people and live with it.

Open pandora's box at your peril.

There's a difference between just having a thought or a fantasy that comes and goes and having a sexual preference towards men.

If he is truly attracted to men, this feeling won't go away (and apparently it's been with him as long as he can remember). Being gay/bi isn't something you can just brush off.

I guess only he really knows if this is just a thought or if he's truly attracted to men. It sounds to me the latter, though.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by martin

There's a difference between just having a thought or a fantasy that comes and goes and having a sexual preference towards men.

If he is truly attracted to men, this feeling won't go away (and apparently it's been with him as long as he can remember). Being gay/bi isn't something you can just brush off.

I guess only he really knows if this is just a thought or if he's truly attracted to men. It sounds to me the latter, though.

I have sexual desires that won't go away either: It involves three gorgeous women and a four poster bed ................but there's no way I'm telling my wife.

[martin]

Originally Posted by Stephen

I have sexual desires that won't go away either: It involves three gorgeous women and a four poster bed ................but there's no way I'm telling my wife.

Haha. I understand your point, but that's kind of life comparing apples to oranges. Men and women offer very different things, sexually. When you're attracted to men, a woman really can't fulfill that. One cannot be substituted for the other.

I think the OP is like a lot of guys I've encountered. Attracted to men, maybe even gay, tried to be with a woman, fell in love with her and then still has to struggle with being primarily attracted towards men. There's no point in struggling!

Like I've said before, men who are really attracted towards the same sex will think about the same sex constantly, and most end up breaking down and cheating. It's hard to blame them, but they unknowingly put themselves in that position.

DayOne: I think if you don't address your sexuality soon, you'll be setting yourself up for major trouble in the long-run.

There are A LOT of guys in your shoes, so don't feel weird! The real weirdos are the ones that have a wife and kids, hide their sexuality their whole life and then mess around with random guys in public bathrooms and such. *cough* Senator Larry Craig *cough* That's what extreme self-denial will do to you. You don't seem like you're in that much denial though, so I think you'll be ok.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by martin

Haha. I understand your point, but that's kind of life comparing apples to oranges. Men and women offer very different things, sexually. When you're attracted to men, a woman really can't fulfill that. One cannot be substituted for the other.

I think the OP is like a lot of guys I've encountered. Attracted to men, maybe even gay, tried to be with a woman, fell in love with her and then still has to struggle with being primarily attracted towards men. There's no point in struggling!

Like I've said before, men who are really attracted towards the same sex will think about the same sex constantly, and most end up breaking down and cheating. It's hard to blame them, but they unknowingly put themselves in that position.

DayOne: I think if you don't address your sexuality soon, you'll be setting yourself up for major trouble in the long-run.

There are A LOT of guys in your shoes, so don't feel weird! The real weirdos are the ones that have a wife and kids, hide their sexuality their whole life and then mess around with random guys in public bathrooms and such. *cough* Senator Larry Craig *cough* That's what extreme self-denial will do to you. You don't seem like you're in that much denial though, so I think you'll be ok.

Hi Martin

I'm not so sure it is like comparing different fruits. We are, at the base level, talking about sexual gratification; ultimate gain - sexual climax with an attractive partner.

The OP has already stated his love for his partner and reflections of willingness to commit to a life long partnership due to that love. This partnership involves a meeting of minds. If the OP knows his partner and loves her, he will know himself whether or not to spill the beans that he has occasional sexual attractions to men. My bet is, based on probability, is that the OP is suffering from the forbidden fruit syndrome AND that by sharing his fantasies he will not only lose his partner, but will regret his hastiness for a long time.

What I think too many people are suggesting is an irresponsible throw of the dice.

I hope he does the right thing. Good luck to him.

[martin]

Originally Posted by Stephen

Hi Martin

I'm not so sure it is like comparing different fruits. We are, at the base level, talking about sexual gratification; ultimate gain - sexual climax with an attractive partner.

The OP has already stated his love for his partner and reflections of willingness to commit to a life long partnership due to that love. This partnership involves a meeting of minds. If the OP knows his partner and loves her, he will know himself whether or not to spill the beans that he has occasional sexual attractions to men. My bet is, based on probability, is that the OP is suffering from the forbidden fruit syndrome AND that by sharing his fantasies he will not only lose his partner, but will regret his hastiness for a long time.

What I think too many people are suggesting is an irresponsible throw of the dice.

I hope he does the right thing. Good luck to him.

I guess we can agree to disagree then. In the end, it's up to him.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Stephen

I have sexual desires that won't go away either: It involves three gorgeous women and a four poster bed ................but there's no way I'm telling my wife.

Why not? I bet she already knows, anyway. That thought - your thought - doesn't mean you necessarily want to follow through with any action. I accept that any partner I'm with may very well - actually, WILL - have sexual feelings for other people - it's part of being human. That doesn't mean that they're going to ACT on those feelings.

The desire stated in the OPs post seemed very different than a passing fantasy. Why not just get gut-level honest? Explore her feelings, too. Maybe she's always had a fantasy about seeing two men together! Yes, he may lose her - but I'd rather be with someone that knows me fully and accepts me, than someone from whom I have to keep secrets like that.

It doesn't mean he should rush to her and say he's going to sleep with men. But at least tell her how he feels!

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Lucas

I'm in internet love with you.

Gawrsh. Well, I need to tell you... I'm attracted to women, too!

See how easy that was?

[The David]

By cheating, I meant going behind her back. Just to clear things up. I've also heard stories about men coming out to their wives, only to hear, "Can I watch?"

As for telling her, maybe that will test the strength of the relationship. Not to say that there won't be uneasy feelings, because there may be, but if this is going to be an issue it would do well to be voiced now and stop fermenting in your head.

[Stephen]

I think the very issue is in the head!

It's not a physical reality. His reality is that he has a strong relationship with a woman. He also 'thinks' he might have an attraction to men. So what?

Does that mean he has to go for an all or nothing throw of the dice?

No way.

[WCLV]

To Martin,

"Men and women offer very different things, sexually. When you're attracted to men, a woman really can't fulfill that. One cannot be substituted for the other."

If you are openminded and have a good enough imagination, you will find that statement completely false.

*hint for the op* Try these suggestions with your girlfriend: roleplay, dress-up, genderbending, toys, power exchange, fantasies, etc

[lasti]

Originally Posted by WCLV

To Martin,

"Men and women offer very different things, sexually. When you're attracted to men, a woman really can't fulfill that. One cannot be substituted for the other."

If you are openminded and have a good enough imagination, you will find that statement completely false.

*hint for the op* Try these suggestions with your girlfriend: roleplay, dress-up, genderbending, toys, power exchange, fantasies, etc

I also don't think that this is true as long as you're bi.

[The David]

Originally Posted by Stephen

I think the very issue is in the head!

It's not a physical reality. His reality is that he has a strong relationship with a woman. He also 'thinks' he might have an attraction to men. So what?

Does that mean he has to go for an all or nothing throw of the dice?

No way.

Isn't much of his relationship in his head, as well? At least the parts involving his attraction to her.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by The David

Isn't much of his relationship in his head, as well? At least the parts involving his attraction to her.

No, I think that's been proven. Read the o.p. again. Happy to spend rest of life with: that sounds like he has experience and has enjoyed the experience. Not something to be taken lightly.

[flowerz]

you show that we are in control of our thoughts and feelings,well done,i am so happy for you that you are free.

I wish you and your girl all the best.

[Squid]

I discovered my "straight" boyfriend responding to personal ads in the men seeking men section of Craigslist a few years ago.

It was pretty devastating and confusing. But the hardest part about the entire experience wasn't the fact that he had some attraction to men, it was that he hid it from me and did it behind my back. I felt disrespected and felt that he was putting my physical health at risk by seeking sex outside our relationship without my consent. The only reason that I gave him a second chance was that he did not actually physically cheat on me.


Building back trust once it has been broken is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Part of me still feels like no matter how good he treats me now he will still be "that guy" that was capable of infidelity and that makes him inferior in my eyes.

If you were to do that without informing your girlfriend keep in mind that if she discovered the tryst your actions would permanently affect her emotional health and every future relationship that she might be in.

[Angela]

Squid, it sounds like you've got a time bomb on your hands. Do you think his desire to have sex with men is going to just go away? Or has he agreed to be honest open about when he does?