How much should you insist on paying?

[PokerEnthusiast]

*Me and a friend of mine at the coffee shop today*

Me: I'm buying.

Her: No, I'll pay.

Me: No, It's ok, I got it.

Her: No, no, don't worry about it.

Me: Oh.....alright.


I know this happens all the time when people go out to eat or go out for drinks together but for me it always seems like I'm the one giving in and letting the other person pay for me all the time.

This bothers me because I don't want them to think that I'm a cheap ass or something but I just think it's so stupid to stand there and argue for 5 minutes over who's going to pay. So if they insist more than twice then I usually just give up and let them pay.

I'm a guy, so when it happens with my guy friends I don't give it much thought, but today when it happened with one of my girl friends it kinda made me feel like a jerk after. I mean, we weren't on a date or anything because she has a boyfriend, but it felt wrong that I let her pay for the both of us. What makes it even worse is that she knows I have a lot of money from poker and I know that she works her ass off just to get by.

It was less than $5 for the coffees so maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing. But it adds up; and what if we go out for dinner or drinks and the same thing happens?

What are your opinions?

[Wet]

She just wanted to do something nice for you, let her.


Sometimes its not about "paying" its about giving the gift of giving.



If it comes to something expensive, like drinks or dinner, and you really feel like she shouldn't pay for you, just say "Ok, you can buy my meal, but only if I get to buy you yours"


If she really does work her ass off for some cash, than it means a lot more to her to be able to treat you to something, so just accept thats what she decided to do, and a simple "Thank you" will suffice.

[Tigerlilly]

Oh, I totally love this topic.

In your case, be extraordinary, chuck your bad conscience and don't offer to pay for her next time around. She can only think the better of you for it, no matter what.

Where does your bad feeling come from anyway? You said you wouldn't think twice about it if she was a guy, and I guess, even if it was a poor guy, you wouldn't think about it, cause you'd expect your male buddy to have his pride. And then this logical question: If you feel bad about being invited by her, what exactly makes you think it'll make her happy to be invited by you?

I've been on the other end of this "guy offers to pay" situation myself, so I'd really love to know and I think you'd benefit from uprooting the reasons beneath feeling and thinking the way you do as well.

[Alexjstrandberg]

check comes, take the check and put the money or credit card down and don't say a word about it. If she protests or whatever just say "I got it" and not another word. If she persists just pay and ignore what she says. If you get into a little argument like that just stop talking and do what you want. It's your continuous back and forth that keeps her resisting your lead.

[PokerEnthusiast]

Originally Posted by Tigerlilly

And then this logical question: If you feel bad about being invited by her, what exactly makes you think it'll make her happy to be invited by you?

In today's day and age it's becoming more and more common for women to show their independence by paying on dates. It was her idea to stop and get a coffee so maybe that's why she insisted on paying and it's true that maybe she just wanted to do something nice for me which I totally respect. On first dates I think the traditional way of the man paying is proper and since I don't go places with this girl very often it almost felt like a first date so I kinda felt obligated to treat her.

When she paid and showed her independence maybe it took away my feeling of independence and to some extent my masculinity. Like, if she keeps doing stuff like this it'll make me feel like I'm her little brother or something.

This situation with the girl was what got me thinking about the topic in the first place but I wanted to know just in general, for guys or girls, should I keep insisting more than twice if they keep turning down my offer to pay? What is the norm here? I sometimes see other people in line going back and forth like this for a ridiculously prolonged amount of time and it just seems so stupid that people have to argue about this.

[PokerEnthusiast]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

check comes, take the check and put the money or credit card down and don't say a word about it. If she protests or whatever just say "I got it" and not another word. If she persists just pay and ignore what she says. If you get into a little argument like that just stop talking and do what you want. It's your continuous back and forth that keeps her resisting your lead.

I like this. Awesome advice!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by PokerEnthusiast

should I keep insisting more than twice if they keep turning down my offer to pay?

I don't know what the norm is, I don't care what the norm is. I just find it rude when someone refuses to let someone else pay. If someone offers to buy my coffee/lunch, I don't refuse it, I let them do it, no matter their sex, age, position, etc. I don't even insist once that I pay - it just seem so incredibly rude to turn someone down who wants to pay for your meal/drink. It's nothing to do with money - because I figure if they are willing to pay for it, then they are intelligent enough to figure out if they can afford it. Furthermore, if I'm willing to pay for someone, and they refuse once, I'm not going to bother play that stupid game of insisting to pay for them. And I won't offer to pay for them unless I truly meant it. But that's just me, and what I've decided for myself.

To me it's about respect - I respect their decision to pay for me, and I expect them to respect my decision to pay for them if I offer it.

[AndreiR]

I think you need to establish a rule with her on this:
If you're the one making the invitation, you pay. But if SHE invites YOU, then it's okay for her to pay.
And you should stand your ground on this

[jaamkie]

ugh I have the worst time with this question! As an American woman, culturally the guy is likely to at least offer to pay for me; but, as I'm a working adult fully equally capable of paying, I see no reason that he should pay- particularly when the outing is my idea. I always offer to pay at least for myself, often for both of us if he's paid for me in the past, but after a few back-and-forths I usually give up and let him pay if he won't accept my money. In theory I'd much prefer it to be comfortable back-and-forth more-or-less equal over time instead of splitting individual bills, but sometimes men seem even more resistant to me sometimes paying the full bill than they are to splitting it, so then I try to at least pay something, but I really hate the whole hassle and awkwardness.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by PokerEnthusiast

In today's day and age it's becoming more and more common for women to show their independence by paying on dates.

Yes, paying your own bills is a sign of independence. What's wrong with that? You yourself like to be independent, you take pride in being able to look after yourself( and others). As a matter of fact, so do I. You know, girls have their pride, too. Just like back when I was kid I was proud when I was finally able to tie my shoe-laces, I like the feeling that comes from being able to pay for myself...and for others.

You ask in general, how much you are to insist on paying. Not at all. You have no right to pay for others, you can only offer to do so and thus give out. If you do so without expecting anything in return that's generosity. Generosity isn't pushed down other people's throats. If you on the other hand go about it the way Alex suggested, you don't offer anything at all, you're just being controlling. That's no respectful way to deal with people you regard as equals, be they guys or girls.

I also disagree with seeker5, that it is rude to decline an offer to have your bill paid no matter what the circumstances. You said it yourself, that always being on the receiving end makes you feel uncomfy and a cheap ass. What should be wrong then with saying:"Hey, this is becoming a habit, it makes me feel cheap, my turn." next time around?