dating for fun... but maybe the wrong guy?

[wren]

so, recently decided i was ready to date again. a guy i've recently met asked for my number and i gave it to him because it felt right at the time.

when i think it over, i start to panic a little... he's a smoker, drinker, an omnivore, lives with his parents, etc. i'm a non-smoker, rarely drink, vegetarian, live on my own for years. he seems nice and we might have a good time, i just find myself thinking that he would not make a good boyfriend for me...

he hasn't called me yet, so i'm trying to decide what to do if he does. should i give it a go just to see what happens, or should i go with my instinct to turn him down?

i had been holding off on dating until i felt more confident in who i am. maybe i need to take myself on a few dates and fall even MORE in love with myself as danas suggested in her thread Fall in Love with yourself:

falling in love with yourself

anybody have any thoughts for me?

thanks!

[Angela]

Dating the wrong guy -- the guy who would make a terrible boyfriend -- is half the fun of Dating for Fun!

You sure your instinct is to turn him down? Sounds to me like your instinct is to go out and have fun with him -- you gave him your phone number because it felt right at the time. He didn't ask you for your phone number because he wants to be your boyfriend. He asked because he thought maybe you would a fun person to hang out with and get to know a little better. Why not give him the same courtesy? He hasn't even called you yet, and he might never. If I were you, I would forget about it for the moment, and go out and find a pair and a spare of interesting men to ask you out!

[wren]

thanks for your response angela! i think you're right, i gave him my number becase i felt it could be fun. i have this tendency to overthink things sometimes after i think too much, i start second guessing everything!

just read steve's article on how tolerance is resistance to love: Tolerance Is Resistance to Love

it made me wonder about the idea that maybe i was just going to tolerate this guy's lifestyle which is out of sync with my values so i could have a date. then wouldn't i just be inviting more energy into my life that is out of balance of who i am?

maybe it doesn't matter at this point because i don't really know him and wouldn't unless he actually does call me! and if he does & i accept, maybe i just need the learning experience. :P

yes, i definitely will round up some more interesting men for dates!

[jaamkie]

good luck!

[robc]

It is just a date.

You aren't being forced to commit to a relationship or marriage.

Dating is the process of elimination, keep dating several people until you find the one that "clicks" for you if that's what you're looking for. Heck you may still want to remain single without the overhead of a relationship weighing on your life, you just enjoy dating and meeting new people and going out every now & then. Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

Technically he hasn't called you yet, so this discussion is all about a possibility that really only exists in your mind.

I would say go out and have fun and if this guy isn't for you, go out the one time, and have fun and call it quits after that. One date doesn't usually promote the kind of emotional attachment that will kill someone if you refuse to go out on a second date should that request ever be made.

Here's another thought, you might go out, you might end up liking him even and he may end up not liking you that much and choose not to bother asking you for a second date.

Instead of worrying about any or all of this, just go out, have fun!!!!

I've recently started dating again myself and I totally forgot how much fun it really is: going out to events, doing new activities or doing old activities with someone new, conversation, new restaurants, dressing up and getting ready for dates, enjoying the experience, there's a bit of a natural high attached to all of that and I particularly enjoy it. It's alot of fun!!!!

Good luck!!!

[wren]

Thanks for the comments & good luck wishes jaamkie & robc.

robc, you're right it is all about the experience and having a good time. Thanks for the reminder.

[funnyfish]

i dont think he sounds like good boyfriend material. there is probably squillions of other guys who are more suitable. how negative is that!

[Angela]

Squillions!! I love that -- it's my new favorite number.

[lasti]

I do it like that: I give everybody a chance for a date. It's fair, you've got nothing to lose besides a few hours, but who says you couldn't win the jackpot?

[Angela]

Exactly! It's a fun gamble that you can't really lose.

When I was suffering about a sadly ended love affair and I had no interest in going out on dates, a wise girlfriend of mine told me that I should go out with anyone (within reason, of course) who invited me out. Her reasoning was that if a guy asks you out, there is some aspect of your beauty that he is responding to, and it is a wonderful experience to be really present to whatever that aspect is. It may be (probably is) something you've never given yourself permission to acknowledge about yourself, something you resist or at least begrudge yourself. So go out with him, and let yourself really see the beauty of who you are, the beauty that others see in you!

The really great thing about that is, when you are able to clearly see your own beauty, the whole world looks more fabulous. Take another peek at that guy sitting across from you through your new beautified, accepting eyes, and you may be surprised at what shows up!

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Angela

Exactly! It's a fun gamble that you can't really lose.

When I was suffering about a sadly ended love affair and I had no interest in going out on dates, a wise girlfriend of mine told me that I should go out with anyone (within reason, of course) who invited me out. Her reasoning was that if a guy asks you out, there is some aspect of your beauty that he is responding to, and it is a wonderful experience to be really present to whatever that aspect is. It may be (probably is) something you've never given yourself permission to acknowledge about yourself, something you resist or at least begrudge yourself. So go out with him, and let yourself really see the beauty of who you are, the beauty that others see in you!

The really great thing about that is, when you are able to clearly see your own beauty, the whole world looks more fabulous. Take another peek at that guy sitting across from you through your new beautified, accepting eyes, and you may be surprised at what shows up!

ugh- I do this, to a fault- thinking a guy is wonderful simply because he is attentive and kind to me and accepts all my crazy abstract discussions of whatever nonsense is on my mind... unfortunately for me at least it doesn't usually last beyond the first flush of excitement, then I get dissatisfied and start pulling away and feeling fake when I see the guy and act like I'm perfectly happy with him- but really none of it is the guy, it's all in my own mind- the first infatuation and the later disappointment.

Also the few hours wasted, if added up over every guy that asks you out, can turn into an exhausting circus running around trying to accept every invitation... don't feel bad saying "no thanks" if you're not in the mood, not thinking it'll work... there really are always more fish in the sea.

[Angela]

jaamkie, I'm not talking about focusing on how wonderful the guy is; I'm talking about being open to what someone sees as wonderful within you. That "faking it" thing is coming up again, isn't it?

And you are right, if you are absolutely certain your evening would be torture, don't accept. But it's a good idea to adjust your idea of what you're absolutely certain about, once in awhile.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Angela

jaamkie, I'm not talking about focusing on how wonderful the guy is; I'm talking about being open to what someone sees as wonderful within you. That "faking it" thing is coming up again, isn't it?

And you are right, if you are absolutely certain your evening would be torture, don't accept. But it's a good idea to adjust your idea of what you're absolutely certain about, once in awhile.

I agree going out can boost self-confidence- it's the last part of your comment- that by feeling the appreciation you might see the other person in a more positive light- I agree it is very likely, I just question whether the kinder judgement is necessarily the more accurate one.

And yes my advice always mirrors personal circumstances- but don't we all reflect what we're currently experiencing? Just hopefully between the diversity of opinions something'll click with the OP?

But yes personally, I've been running around going out on dates just because I think I ought to, not because I really want a relationship or really have nothing better to be doing (just procrastinating because I'm an overwhelmed perfectionist)... I think I use dating in place of making platonic friends- it's easier to capture someone's attention when they're imagining it'll lead somewhere... and then I feel obligated to follow up by prancing in a corset with candles and wine and etc... when really my mind is off fussing about the inequities of global trade...

[coLLege kid07]

hmm I'd go with the gut..but if that's what you truly want..go for it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

... that by feeling the appreciation you might see the other person in a more positive light- I agree it is very likely, I just question whether the kinder judgement is necessarily the more accurate one. ...

jaamkie, I was only winking at you about the "faking it" thing, because we talked about that earlier. I didn't mean to goad you, just to acknowledge you -- I'm sorry if I offended you.

As for the above... just to be clear, it's not the feeling of being appreciated by the other person that has you see him in a more positive light, it's the recognition of beauty within yourself that makes it easier to see beauty in others. And about the kinder judgement question? I don't know if a kinder judgement is necessarily the more accurate one, but it is sure as hell a more joyful way to date for fun, and to live your life.

[wren]

Originally Posted by funnyfish

i dont think he sounds like good boyfriend material. there is probably squillions of other guys who are more suitable. how negative is that!

Hi funnyfish,

you're right, he doesn't sound like good boyfriend material at all! But I talked to him a few times since the initial encounter and he is very positive and fun to talk to... which makes me want to go on at least one date with him if he does call.

posted by jaamkie

thinking a guy is wonderful simply because he is attentive and kind to me and accepts all my crazy abstract discussions of whatever nonsense is on my mind...

jaamkie,

i have done a similar thing in the past. That is part of my purpose for dating random guys I may or may not hit it off with, so I can be stronger in my self-love and know my heart more truly. Of course, I don't plan on accepting every offer, just the ones that feel right to me.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Angela

jaamkie, I was only winking at you about the "faking it" thing, because we talked about that earlier. I didn't mean to goad you, just to acknowledge you -- I'm sorry if I offended you.

Not offended in the least! and some goading is a good thing now and again, even if I were...

[carenkh]

There's someone I work with, that I think would be fun to go out with - but I know he's looking for a long-term, committed relationship. I am not. I'd like to have someone to hang with for a bit. I would like to have sex again at some point.

Would it be wrong for me to ask him out, knowing he's looking for something very different than I am? It's hard for me to get clear on this.

[Ceros]

Would it be wrong for me to ask him out, knowing he's looking for something very different than I am? It's hard for me to get clear on this.

Personally, I'm looking for a long term relationship, but if someone asked me out looking for a short term one I'd probably say yes simply because I'd be curious how it would develop.

I think as long as you don't hide the fact that you're not interested in anything long term there's nothing wrong with it. Because it's not like you're deceiving him or anything, so even if it ends up a mistake, he'll have no one but himself to blame.

EDIT: Actually, thinking it over, he'll have no one but me to blame since I'm the one who suggested you ask him out. Subjective reality's a beach.

[lasti]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Would it be wrong for me to ask him out, knowing he's looking for something very different than I am?

I don't think so. It might just not have the outcome you hope for.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Ceros

EDIT: Actually, thinking it over, he'll have no one but me to blame since I'm the one who suggested you ask him out. Subjective reality's a beach.

No, no: ME. It's all about me.

I just realized by not asking him out, I'm just trying to avoid a sticky situation that may or may not occur. I keep forgetting to be present to what is! Dang it!