Is she ready for a relationship?

[25AndJustBeginning]

Lately I've been talking to my ex.

In fact, she came to me a while after we were broken up wanting to get back together. After seeing each other for a very short period thereafter she didn't "know" if she could "do what it takes" to make the relationship work as some of her actions were seriously called into question. So she wanted to take a week to think about it. Coincidentally, she was going to fly back home for this week.

At first I was supportive of her need for time & space. However, midway through the week I started feeling like she only wanted "time & space" to not be bothered while she was back home having fun.

I've talked to a few people about this and I'm really having trouble letting go of this idea. Am I just being a worrier here? My concern is that she wanted to have fun w/ no attachments & I'm definitely not ok w/ that if she's interested in pursuing the relationship. I know this is awfully vague but how does it appear from the outside? Are there any females out there who would have acted similarly?????????

Thing is, she's not much of a thinker and I really question how she makes her decisions. Maybe I just need to trust that she makes her decisions differently than I do? I'm really having trouble losing the idea that she basically didn't want to be bothered while she was back home.

Also, I question whether or not she's even ready for a serious relationship.

She has issues w/ her dad and, as I'm slowly realizing, she projects them onto me (whether it's justified or not). For instance, lying via omission is a favorite of hers. In fact, openness or communication in general are huuuuuuuuge weaknesses of hers. I'm starting to realize how frickin important these are to a relationship and I'm feeling really negative about the success of the relationship as a result.

Should I be patient and understanding of this or should I have standards for myself and move on? Perhaps give it a try but monitor this situation???? I can't help but be a pessimist and expect this to not work again. Is that valid or should I get over that and give it a try?

Thx in advance.

[garentee]

If you have to have honest and open communication from your mate then I would let this be. If you think that maybe she wants to work with in the boundaries of your needs and desires for a good relationship then it may be worth a try. Above all though honesty and communication in ANY relationship be it friends, family or business is the key to success. My $.02 G

[AndreiR]

Hey, 25!

Sorry to hear about your troubles, mate. There are a few issues at work here.
First, when you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you (and I suppose that SHE broke up with you here, because she said that she needed her space), the reason for the breakup remains.

So if she broke up with you, that means she doesn't want to be with you, so why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Plus, I can assure you that she hasn't changed her mind.

On the other hand, if you broke up with her, you must realize that the reason you dumped her is still there, so why would you want to go back?

Women make their decisions based on this:
1. If she's interested in you, she will be there, she will go out with you, she will kiss you, and she will want to be in a relationship with you.
2. If she's not interested, she won't.
3. If she was initially interested, and you turned her off, she won't be interested anymore.
4. Break-ups are final. If you do go back, there will be another breakup.

It's not rocket science, really

The rest of the issues that she brings up are basically smoke screens and excuses (women do that when they're not interested).

So yes it's about your self-respect and standards here. Move on!
You deserve better treatment, from a girl who's actually interested in you.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Thx for the posts but we had resolved the breakup issue before she needed space. I dunno... some times I think she just doesn't think and I, therefor, am totally unable to understand her actions.

Originally Posted by AndreiR

The rest of the issues that she brings up are basically smoke screens and excuses (women do that when they're not interested).

I think there are more reasons for girls to bring up issues than a general disinterest. It might not be rocket science, but it's damn close!!

Originally Posted by garentee

If you have to have honest and open communication from your mate then I would let this be.

What about commitment to the relationship and dedication to working it out?



Thx again for the posts.

[AndreiR]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

What about commitment to the relationship and dedication to working it out?

It takes TWO to commit and to dedicate. Sounds to me like you're the only one committing to this.
If she doesn't want to commit, then that's that. You can do whatever you want, she won't turn around... In spite of what they try to tell you on TV

You deserve better, man.

[MaxLight]

Hey 25

I was once cheated on, as was my best friend. Sometime afterwards we analysed what characteristics the 2 girls had in common and we found

1. A lack of honesty and integrity
2. A bad relationship with their father.

They were also bad communicators and when they percieved the relationship to be not working, their response was not to talk about it but to cheat.

It's important in any situation to act but not react. The reaction in this case, to being cheated upon, would be to say "I'm never trusting anybody again!". But after thinking about it for ages (as you do after a breakup) I have resolved the lesson I should learn is: pay attention to the subtle signs of dishonesty that looking back I saw but ignored. Honesty is critical in a long term relationship, I've learned this the hard way

So when you wrote this post about this girl, I was struck by how you mentioned virtually everything I had concluded was wrong with my previous girlfriend and that led to her cheating and me dumping her for it. Lying via omission is just how she used to do it, people who are dishonest with themselves usually do this (ie. they are dishonest with themselves that they are being dishonest)

This is just my view of course, a bad relationship with the father isn't so damning necessarily, but when combined with a lack of honesty and being a bad communicator....how do you think she'll deal with a bigger issue that will inevitably arise later in the relationship?

I think this girl is definitely not ready for a serious relationship and when I read your post alarm bells rang in my head. Perhaps she's more the party girl type, but I think you'd be making a big mistake to invest seriously in a relationship with her.

[Alexjstrandberg]

I read your other post and it seems like this time she just wanted to go have fun without being tied down. If that is true (which it seems like it) she lied to your face. If she is lying to your face about what her intentions are then she is the same girl as before and hasn't changed so if you get back together with her the relationship will still be the same as if was before.

I have no problem with getting back with an ex-girlfriend but the issues in the relationship need to be changed. She can't be the same girl as before otherwise we will break up for the same reasons.

[Swannie]

Originally Posted by AndreiR

First, when you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you (and I suppose that SHE broke up with you here, because she said that she needed her space), the reason for the breakup remains.

Ohh :-( Why so black and white?!

If the reason for the breakup is fear - of commitment, of the future?

Misplaced sentiments - that by breaking up you are protecting the other person's best interests, that you are not good enough for the person you are seeing?

These things can be changed through open communication, and the reason removed.

Time and space. That says to me, "there are things that I can't think about with you around, because of the emotions being around you creates". Being in an all together different place makes disconnecting from the emotions and listening to rational though easier. You'd better have your head together for when she gets back, because there will need to be a serious conversation.

[AndreiR]

It's because a woman remembers everything you did to her, and you will remember everything a woman did to you. You can't erase that with a sponge, that's why I say that the reason for the break-up always remains.
The reason for a break-up is always a fact, it's something you did, or something she did, or something negative someone discovered about the other. That won't go away. It's something that happened and it can't be undone, you see what I mean?
In my experience, any attempt at going back with the same person after a break-up is a total waste of time. You'll just get the same result.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by Swannie

Ohh :-( Why so black and white?!

If the reason for the breakup is fear - of commitment, of the future?

Misplaced sentiments - that by breaking up you are protecting the other person's best interests, that you are not good enough for the person you are seeing?

These things can be changed through open communication, and the reason removed.

Time and space. That says to me, "there are things that I can't think about with you around, because of the emotions being around you creates". Being in an all together different place makes disconnecting from the emotions and listening to rational though easier. You'd better have your head together for when she gets back, because there will need to be a serious conversation.

It's good to hear something positive about the situation... she's not some monster that remembers everything and is going to cheat on me the moment I forget to kiss her goodnite or whatever. Smells like some guys have been burned by some lousy girls. This post has kinda gotten off topic and pretty extreme too. Anyway, thx, Swan.

[robc]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

Lately I've been talking to my ex.

In fact, she came to me a while after we were broken up wanting to get back together. After seeing each other for a very short period thereafter she didn't "know" if she could "do what it takes" to make the relationship work as some of her actions were seriously called into question. So she wanted to take a week to think about it. Coincidentally, she was going to fly back home for this week.

At first I was supportive of her need for time & space. However, midway through the week I started feeling like she only wanted "time & space" to not be bothered while she was back home having fun.

I've talked to a few people about this and I'm really having trouble letting go of this idea. Am I just being a worrier here? My concern is that she wanted to have fun w/ no attachments & I'm definitely not ok w/ that if she's interested in pursuing the relationship. I know this is awfully vague but how does it appear from the outside? Are there any females out there who would have acted similarly?????????

Thing is, she's not much of a thinker and I really question how she makes her decisions. Maybe I just need to trust that she makes her decisions differently than I do? I'm really having trouble losing the idea that she basically didn't want to be bothered while she was back home.

Also, I question whether or not she's even ready for a serious relationship.

She has issues w/ her dad and, as I'm slowly realizing, she projects them onto me (whether it's justified or not). For instance, lying via omission is a favorite of hers. In fact, openness or communication in general are huuuuuuuuge weaknesses of hers. I'm starting to realize how frickin important these are to a relationship and I'm feeling really negative about the success of the relationship as a result.

Should I be patient and understanding of this or should I have standards for myself and move on? Perhaps give it a try but monitor this situation???? I can't help but be a pessimist and expect this to not work again. Is that valid or should I get over that and give it a try?

Thx in advance.

She came to you and wanted to try again, that at least shows you that she is still attracted to you (not just physically but relationship wise as well). So at least you know you are still attractive in her eyes and that she considers the possibility of a relationship with you again.

A small piece of advice on making the relationship work. It is working on the relationship which is killing it. When you first started seeing each other & dating, did you work on the relationship? Probably not, it just happened, you had fun together, you enjoyed seeing each other, being with each other, going out, activities, etc. Now you're at a point where your "working" on the relationship, I'm assuming all of the fun stuff I mentioned above doesn't happen with much frequency - you guys are focusing on the wrong thing. Relationships should be fun, where is the fun, why are you spending all of your time focusing on fixing the relationship? You want to fix the relationship... seriously.... stop fixing it. Let go of the need to make it perfect, you can't make it perfect and you never will. Another thing, it almosts sound as if you live for this relationship (I could be wrong but that's the vibe I get). Start living for yourself, find other interests, hobbies, hang out with your guy friends again more often, go to the gym, etc. Don't make everyday be about her - you're clinging to her and that's why she's looking for time & space to figure things out, regardless of any reason she's giving you for the time & space, she is being smothered - she likes you but she also needs room to breathe, so give it to her.

Do you guys argue alot? If so, why? Stop arguing, because life is just too short to waste it debating the mediocrity of your lives. Spend your time enjoying your life and enjoying the time you have together. How about just start dating again without the title of relationship hanging over your heads? Just go out and do the things you guys first started doing when you started dating. Maybe she does just want to have fun with you for a bit, maybe she wants to find out if you're really the one for her? If you're someone she can have fun with? It's quite possible, you really don't know what's inside her head and how she thinks and stop trying to control that. Stop being controlling, that will push her away as well - in the end the only thing you can control is your actions & thoughts, no one elses so let her be and let her do what she wants.

If she has issues with her dad, tell her those issues are with him, not with you. You are your own person and you would appreciate it if she would respect that and not confuse the two of you. Lying by omission isn't lying, a lie is telling someone something that isn't true. If she isn't telling you everything and omitting certain things, that's a trust issue - why can't she trust you? Are you trustworthy? If she tells you certain things do you hold it against her and make her feel bad for it? If so, time to stop that or she will always omit details when talking to you - how much do you like that? Obviously not alot.

You should be patient and more understanding and from the sounds of your post, sounds you may have some trust issues regarding her as well - did she do something to you to lose your trust? If so we would need more details. You should also start taking care of yourself more and stop putting all your marbles in this one bag, start living for yourself and make yourself the number one priority. Don't wait around forever either, if you want her to be in a relationship with you but she doesn't want to be or she sits on the fence too long thinking about it, her loss, not yours. Start worrying less about this relationship and start worrying more about yourself.

If you have more details you would feel safe enough to share, please continue posting here, we'd love to hear more. Good luck bro!

[Lauxa]

Everyone has issues with their dads. Everyone projects their own issues onto the people closest to them.

What exactly are you worried about? It sounds like you are worried that she will cheat on you while she is back home. Has this happened before?

It sounds like you are saying that she must change for the relationship to work. If that is the case, it is time to move on my friend. Either accept her as she is or lovingly let her go, but if she has to change before you can be happy then you are in for some misery.

[rho]

Actually, a lie is stating something you know to be false when there is an expectation of truth. A lie of omission is something different, but it is still unethical (by deontological standards).