Facing a personal challenge

[LifeWork]

Okay, so I've been invited to a summer house by my old friend, one I've known for years. Almost the whole of my former social circle is going there. I believe they don't think nice things about me, but I also know they don't think nice things about themselves. I don't like their escapist lifestyle, or their energy draining presence, but I think I could gain some peace of mind by going and trying to forgive them, due to past resentment (lots of stupid stuff). I try telling myself I've already forgiven them, RUN AND HIDE, but I think I should try and make peace with my presence.

Mostly I'm afraid I'll regress to hatred if I spend time with these people. I can't stand the arrogance of someone who has basically given up in my eyes.

I hope someone sees something I'm not seeing in this situation. Please help.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LifeWork

I can't stand the arrogance of someone who has basically given up in my eyes.

LifeWork, you mentioned that you have past resentments about these people, but it seems clear that your resentments are present and active, and that you have made up your mind about these people, too -- that they have basically given up.

If you hold these beliefs and you accept the invitation and go, you will be actually creating no freedom for them and for you, and your energy will indeed be drained (except not by them -- by you!) and you'll find yourself in a trying situation. That's a joke. Did you read back on see the "trys" there were in your OP? When someone talks about "trying", they have basically given up. A "try" is just a band-aid on an open gaping wound.

Which is all not to say that you shouldn't go. But I think it would be much more fun for you and everybody else if you take 100% responsibility when you accept the invitation. By that I mean: look boldly and see how you own the very quality that bugs you in others -- that's why it bugs you. Look at the impact being that way has had on your life and on the lives of others. And take on a new way of being that would work better, a way of being that would inspire you if you were being it during the vacation. (Another way to find it is: what way of being would inspire you if someone else were being it? If you were watching a movie, what quality would the hero transform to so that he could triumph and reach resolution?)

But if you're not willing to take on 100% responsibility, and I'm not saying you *should*, I wouldn't go if I were you. That would make you the annoying Jeff Goldblum character who thinks everybody else should change before he's willing to be happy, and that's just not you. You are the Hero. Get ready for a breakthrough, Hero.

[LifeWork]

I guess you're right

I can feel my hurt pride as I type. To change I'll have to go, nothing hard in not going and staying the same.

[LifeWork]

I didn't go. But I addressed my own stagnation, arrogance and hate. I got "led to" couple of Wayne Dyer books, which I read this past week. His stuff vibes with me, I like it.

Now I feel totally different. I see a lot more and understand.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by LifeWork

Okay, so I've been invited to a summer house by my old friend, one I've known for years. Almost the whole of my former social circle is going there. I believe they don't think nice things about me, but I also know they don't think nice things about themselves. I don't like their escapist lifestyle, or their energy draining presence, but I think I could gain some peace of mind by going and trying to forgive them, due to past resentment (lots of stupid stuff). I try telling myself I've already forgiven them, RUN AND HIDE, but I think I should try and make peace with my presence.

Mostly I'm afraid I'll regress to hatred if I spend time with these people. I can't stand the arrogance of someone who has basically given up in my eyes.

I hope someone sees something I'm not seeing in this situation. Please help.

Get close to people who helps you to feel and be better person. Stay away from those who do the opposite. There is no challenge. You gain nothing by remaining close to a toxic psychological presence.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by LifeWork

I didn't go. But I addressed my own stagnation, arrogance and hate. I got "led to" couple of Wayne Dyer books, which I read this past week. His stuff vibes with me, I like it.

Now I feel totally different. I see a lot more and understand.

What are you seeing, LifeWork? What's coming up for you?
(I love Wayne Dyer -- he was the first personal development author I ever read, way, way back to "Your Erroneous Zones" and "The Sky's the Limit." Loved 'em!)

[LifeWork]

I saw I was angry at myself for letting anger control me. I was angry that I let myself be verbally abused when I was down. I was angry for being weak.

I still go between being angry for a while (see other thread) and then feeling fine, but I saw I was deliberately holding myself back. "What if I succeed after all this?"

[LifeWork]

Originally Posted by ar81

Get close to people who helps you to feel and be better person. Stay away from those who do the opposite. There is no challenge. You gain nothing by remaining close to a toxic psychological presence.

This was difficult to grasp for me. I can't make everything right, it seems. I had to be "mean" and cut ties with people.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by LifeWork

This was difficult to grasp for me. I can't make everything right, it seems. I had to be "mean" and cut ties with people.

It is not your duty to keep ties with people.
Your duty is to bring human welfare to the world, and to do so you must detach from people who work like an anchor and sinks you into disgrace, and join those who make you to grow.
In the long term it is the best option for you and your loved ones.

Originally Posted by LifeWork

I saw I was angry at myself for letting anger control me. I was angry that I let myself be verbally abused when I was down. I was angry for being weak.

I still go between being angry for a while (see other thread) and then feeling fine, but I saw I was deliberately holding myself back. "What if I succeed after all this?"

Your mission in life is not to be abused.
Being a victim of abuse is a distraction.
It causes you to lose your time with suffering.
You may feel sad one day or two (like me right now) but that's an isolated event.
But if the problem is persistent, probably you need to detach from abusers.

If you ally abusers, you learn abuse and you spread abuse.
If you ally those who cause you to grow, you will spread growth and good.
The decision is yours and it will be a tough one at the beginning.

[Parthon]

Wow, there's quiet a few undercurrents going on here. Very very interesting.

Now the first thing is: LifeWork: you aren't fully in control of who you give your energy too. It would be nice to forgive those people, but you won't be able to until you stop giving them your energy, and in order to do that you have to stop giving them control. Now like you say, they aren't the best people around but that's perfectly okay, and there's nothing wrong with that. They are allowed to do as they see fit, whatever that may be. They are their own person and they are just as responsible as you or anyone else. There's nothing wrong with them and they are 100% okay.

So how does that fly? I don't say this as the truth, but just a way to see the situation to get some of your power back. These people will continue living this way, and it doesn't matter to them what you do really, but you are still giving them your control and your energy. Why? Because there is a limiting belief holding you back. I don't know what it is, but it is something related to being hedonistic or slacking off or even relaxing. There's some belief around enjoying yourself and having fun that you are struggling with. I'm sensing perhaps that you might not think you deserve to enjoy your accomplishments. Is this true or am I way off?

Lastly, you don't need to avoid or participate with these people for any reason and they aren't important, but coming to terms with who they are for you and finding peace within yourself is important. Both they and you are not the problem, you are all fine just how you are right now, but there are barriers and walls keeping you away from who you really are. Those walls are the problem and need to come down.

[LifeWork]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Wow, there's quiet a few undercurrents going on here. Very very interesting.

Now the first thing is: LifeWork: you aren't fully in control of who you give your energy too. It would be nice to forgive those people, but you won't be able to until you stop giving them your energy, and in order to do that you have to stop giving them control. Now like you say, they aren't the best people around but that's perfectly okay, and there's nothing wrong with that. They are allowed to do as they see fit, whatever that may be. They are their own person and they are just as responsible as you or anyone else. There's nothing wrong with them and they are 100% okay.

So how does that fly? I don't say this as the truth, but just a way to see the situation to get some of your power back. These people will continue living this way, and it doesn't matter to them what you do really, but you are still giving them your control and your energy. Why? Because there is a limiting belief holding you back. I don't know what it is, but it is something related to being hedonistic or slacking off or even relaxing. There's some belief around enjoying yourself and having fun that you are struggling with. I'm sensing perhaps that you might not think you deserve to enjoy your accomplishments. Is this true or am I way off?

Lastly, you don't need to avoid or participate with these people for any reason and they aren't important, but coming to terms with who they are for you and finding peace within yourself is important. Both they and you are not the problem, you are all fine just how you are right now, but there are barriers and walls keeping you away from who you really are. Those walls are the problem and need to come down.

Yea I think I had to downplay myself for too long for other people. People would start feeling insecure and if I noticed, I'd sap myself. Stupid, but I was kinda dependent on this group (gamer/drinking). Detaching was a challenge.

[Parthon]

Yeah, I used to do that as well, until I realised that it wasn't doing me any favours at all and there was no benefit for anyone by me playing myself down. It was about the time I realised when I just started being more open, honest and kind, and to hell with anyone else's preconceived notions! :P

It's not easy, but it's not hard either. It just takes a bit of dedication and wanting to be yourself more than to have other people like a fake you. If you like being fake then there's no reason to alter, but I don't think you do like being fake. :P It also helps to build self worth, explore who you really are and what matters, and find friends who are worthy and decent.

It's so worth it though, the time will pass anyways and at the end of it you'll have so much more respect for who you are and people who like you for you are such better friends. You'll also have a real direction to guide yourself instead of the fickle winds of social acceptance and being liked.

So, ready to be yourself? :P

[ar81]

There is nothing wrong about enjoy accomplishments.
I have had lots of accomplishments in my life and lots of failures.
Failures became lessons and accomplishments became a reason of joy.

The problem as I see it, is that you could be clouded by the sense of accomplishment. If you celebrate each step when you walk, you could stop walking. The problem is not celebrating but stop walking or taking the wrong path.

[LifeWork]

I have a much clearer view on this now, thanks for the comments guys!