Why do I have trouble making friends?

[Elixir]

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a ♥♥♥♥♥. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

[Remiel]

For your last question I'd say... It depends on what you do.

I can't really give you any specific suggestions on how to make friends as that is influenced heavily by circumstances. I can tell you what I've done differently that has allowed me to make friends far easier.

A bit of background: I have aspergers. If you don't know what it is think of it as a slight touch of autism. During college I think I made only a couple of friends and really only 1 friend that I did much with. It really boiled down to me trying to be someone I'm not. I tried to be not autistic (well apergeristic? bah that doesn't sound right). I tried to be someone other people could like. And all the while I held back. I was deeply afraid that if I were to share the real me with people that I would be rejected. Being rejected was my deepest fear, my core fear if you will. Unfortunately because I was afraid of people getting to know me this made it so that I couldn't connect with people. On the one hand I was saying "Be my friend" and on the other I was saying "Stay Back! Go Away!".

It wasn't until I went to a seminar called focus that I came to realize just how badly I was masking my true self. I was so afraid of being rejected because I didn't like who I was. I was thinking my true self deserved to be rejected. And when I was able to realize that I was able to change the way I think. I realized that aspergers is a Gift and a blessing, not a curse. I was able to realize that I am me. No one else is the same as me and I am wonderfully and uniquely made. Pretty much my self worth changed from being in the hands of other people to being in my own hands. I then put my self worth in the capable hands of God. He defines my self worth. Whether or not you believe in God you are still more than able to take your self worth into your own hands.

After I took back my self worth I was able to regain my confidence. I now am able to connect with complete strangers. The other day I was in mcdonalds. I struck up a conversation with the worker who was on break. We had a couple of laughs and then her break was up and she went back. My younger sister then looked at me funny and asked me if I knew her. I said nope, then I asked her why she thought that. She told me it was because our conversation just sounded like we were best buddies.

Another time I was in an elevator and I said "Hi, how's it going?" but I was actually looking at him in the eyes and facing him straight on when I asked. The guy said "Its goi..." and paused. He then said "Its going good,... Thanks". It was at that point that I had realized the words that I had just spoken had connected with him on a level that was far far deeper than those words by themselves ever could. He and I still run into each other and its alot of fun having conversations with him.

My only advice is to be 100% real. If you can't do that then find a way to be 100% real with yourself first and put your self worth in your own hands. If you can place it in the hands of something unchangeable so your self worth never wavers then thats even better.

Good luck with your journey.
Remiel

[Elixir]

Thanks for your reply, Remiel. I used to pretend to be someone else I wasn't, and I tried being myself but that didn't really work either >_< But I"ll take your advice and try to be myself more =) Thanks!

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by Elixir

Thanks for your reply, Remiel. I used to pretend to be someone else I wasn't, and I tried being myself but that didn't really work either >_< But I"ll take your advice and try to be myself more =) Thanks!

One challenge I've found is that the people who have known me for a long while don't see a difference. Its frustrating as hell especially with my brother. With him its almost like I'm chained to my past when I talk with him. I refuse to be put in that position so he and I are barely talking at the moment. Others have taken a while to realize that I have made a change. I almost think its easiest for those who see me infrequently to notice the changes.

I'll give an exercise / diet example. So I've joined a gym and am doing taekwondo and hired a personal trainer for the gym. I've lost 2lbs per week over the past month and a half that I've been doing this. The thing is I don't notice it. Oh the measurements are different every time I have them taken at the gym with my trainer. But I don't see a physical difference. However those who see me once a monthish have commented that I look great and that they can tell that I've lost weight. Its pretty cool.


Personally I've decided to make integrity my core value. With a heart of integrity this means that all men can trust me and I believe I can be friends with everyone. Even when I disagree with them.

It may very well be that the people at your school just won't be your friend. This will change in college because you have a much larger choice of where to go and who you hang out with. Even if they still chose to not be your friend I'd still recomend being 100% real. Once that became normal for me I found it to be a huge boost in both energy in myself and connectivity with others because I wasn't maintaining a mask and a wall.

The only other significant thing I do is I accept everything. I may not agree with your viewpoint but I acknowledge it and I accept it as being your viewpoint. I can even find value in your viewpoint. The reason being is I don't know the full truth about pretty much anything. So if you have an element of the truth I want it. Even if your idea itself or viewpoint itself is flawed I can find some value in the truth in it. I also chose to accept everyone regardless of their choices in life. Who they act like does not mean that their core self is truely that way. They just are out of touch with that core self.

I don't know if I've communicated this well or not but hey, thats life. All I'm really trying to say is that I can befriend a drug addict, an alcoholic, or even a gay guy because I can understand that their choices probably stem from their past. I don't have to judge them and I don't even have to give them advice or make them change to be the way I think they ought to be. I merely accept them and encourage them when they decide that its time to change. In a way I believe I am a safe person to be a friend to.


The only thing I might advise you on is about giving advice (ironic I know ). I have found that unless a person is seeking it out and open to it they don't particularly want or like advice. I've actually changed the way I give suggestions (or advice) because of it. Instead of telling someone what they should do in that situation. I will tell them what I would do or how I see the situation. Or if possible I'll even share myself by telling them about a similar time that I went through and what I did in that situation. It still bothers some people (Like my brother) but thats ok. I find that people are actually accept input from others when they aren't being told what to do.


Well I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions.

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a ♥♥♥♥♥. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

First of all, you're blaming yourself. You could always turn it around into a self-esteem-boosting phrase and ask "What's so right with me?"

Secondly, sounds like you're letting everyone walk all over you. I was a teenager once and I know that around that age many are very critical and "gimme gimme" that I wouldn't be surprised if people were taking your kind words, generous gifts and sucking it all up with little appreciation for you. Time will pass and you'll notice a bit more maturity. (note, I say "a bit")

The thing is, you've created a pattern. Now many of those people are going to expect you to keep supplying things to them, even if they won't ever say a genuine "thank you" at the very least.

I'll use a metaphor here and say it's sort of like feeding a bunch of hungry wolves. They'll happily snatch up the meat you offer and may even growl at you; turning their faces away with "THEIR" food thinking that you may steal it from them. However, the moment you have no more food they'll start hunting you down.

And in this thread I see you're basically asking why the wolves are acting like that even though you were so generous?

You cannot control the wolves. You can only control yourself. Ask whether if they are really the beings you want to be around with, or maybe instead of feeding wolves you can treat a cuddly terrier that would be more than happy to thank you for your attention. =)

[caelliott31]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a ♥♥♥♥♥. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

[caelliott31]

it's not you!! it's them!!

[Andrew Brunelle]

I would say develop a sense of humor. Become funny. People will flock to you. Believe me, I know from experience. You have to be engaging to make friends. People should want to hear what you have to say.

I was shy and quiet all throughout grade school so I know how you feel. I did have some friends, but to be honest they weren't the friends I really wanted. They were the friends I was settling for due to lack of confidence. I did have a best friend, though. We were really close and he went to a different school. Perhaps you should find friends from other schools or something...

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a ♥♥♥♥♥. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

Friendship does involve giving and taking. It seems like you've got the giving part down alright (perhaps a bit too much) - but are you asking for what you want in return? Or do you expect people to just notice what you need and fulfill that for you without you asking?

Would you feel confident in asking for what you want from your friends? "Hey, I really want to see X movie and go to Y - would you be up for doing that with me?"

or
"I've got a problem that I'd really like to talk through with you and get your opinion on."

or
"I could really do some help with my Z homework. Can you show me how to do Z again?"


How about a 30 day trial where you give a lot less, and ask a lot more - just to see how it goes. If you feel uncomfortable asking for what you want - then that will highlight you might want to work on that.

At the moment, it seems like you are stuck between two options - being nice but not getting attention or what you want, and being a ♥♥♥♥♥ and getting attention and what you want. Can you imagine a way to ask for what you want clearly and still be true to yourself?


(Oh and just to add - I notice that in addition to listening to their problems, you also 'go out of your way to research their problems for them.' I strongly suggest you stop doing that! Get out of their business and look after your own business! It really doesn't do people any favours to have their problems solved for them. If a friend has a problem you can ask them what they are going to do about it, or what they need to find out about it. But they can do the leg-work themselves!)

Quick question - what percentage of your time with friends is spent having fun and how much helping with problems?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated.

I think this is a lot of the problem right here. The problem resides with your perspective.

Look at the way you worded that. You talk about all the nice things you do for people and how that kindness is never reciprocated.

My question for you is this....why do you expect something in return for your kindness? And my point in asking you that question is to make you consider whether you really are a nice person OR if you are just doing nice things to get nice things in return (or to make people like you)?

As long as act under the frame of doing nice things to get nice things in return, you are going to come up frustrated, angry, or empty.

and that is because you are giving too much of yourself and expecting too much in return. When you fill yourself with abundance of good feelings and kindness, it will overflow out of you and spill into the people you surround yourself with. And the act of giving then won't be to get something in return (you've already got so much that it's overflowing out of you), but, rather, because you've got an abundance of it to go around.

[Karanime]

Talk to anyone and everyone interesting. If you're at a smaller high school, you may just be SOL, but you'll be out of HS soon, if that's the case.

If you've got 1k+ peeps at your school, just talk to everyone you have the slightest fancy for. Eventually, some will like you.

/<3

[deunan]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a ♥♥♥♥♥. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

The status quo doesnt live for virtue, they live for self-worth. But when you act too nice, they don't hear "I like you-" they hear, "Please like me" which implies to them that you dont truly believe you have self worth. This is why ******** become popular despite being mean; they behave as if they have conviction of their self worth (which might not be true, but others find this attitude attractive to be around)
also, by being too nice you might be inadverdently be setting a relationship code that others dont feel they could agree with ( just as you said, your efforts are not reciprocated. we all "do friendship" differently.)

[pinky3]

Hi Elixer. I would say that maybe you're being too nice (even though that's not necessarily as bad thing). Ok an example. My brother has loads of friends. He is a nice guy... but he NEVER and I mean NEVER goes out of his way for anyone unless they ask. He will do favours for people on and off but it's never a big deal. He's really funny and straight forward which, sometimes, irritates people but he's never cared if people don't like him. He's just his own chilled out person and people love him for it.

My point is, the more you want to be someone's friends, the less they feel they have to make an effort to be yours... (sometimes not always)... but that's something I've noticed. The people in my group of friends that seem the most liked are the ones who don't care if they are or not!

You say you don't want to become a ♥♥♥♥♥ just because other people aren't nice... does that mean you think not being super nice would make you a ♥♥♥♥♥??