Why do I have trouble making friends?

[Elixir]

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a bitch just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a bitch. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

[Remiel]

For your last question I'd say... It depends on what you do.

I can't really give you any specific suggestions on how to make friends as that is influenced heavily by circumstances. I can tell you what I've done differently that has allowed me to make friends far easier.

A bit of background: I have aspergers. If you don't know what it is think of it as a slight touch of autism. During college I think I made only a couple of friends and really only 1 friend that I did much with. It really boiled down to me trying to be someone I'm not. I tried to be not autistic (well apergeristic? bah that doesn't sound right). I tried to be someone other people could like. And all the while I held back. I was deeply afraid that if I were to share the real me with people that I would be rejected. Being rejected was my deepest fear, my core fear if you will. Unfortunately because I was afraid of people getting to know me this made it so that I couldn't connect with people. On the one hand I was saying "Be my friend" and on the other I was saying "Stay Back! Go Away!".

It wasn't until I went to a seminar called focus that I came to realize just how badly I was masking my true self. I was so afraid of being rejected because I didn't like who I was. I was thinking my true self deserved to be rejected. And when I was able to realize that I was able to change the way I think. I realized that aspergers is a Gift and a blessing, not a curse. I was able to realize that I am me. No one else is the same as me and I am wonderfully and uniquely made. Pretty much my self worth changed from being in the hands of other people to being in my own hands. I then put my self worth in the capable hands of God. He defines my self worth. Whether or not you believe in God you are still more than able to take your self worth into your own hands.

After I took back my self worth I was able to regain my confidence. I now am able to connect with complete strangers. The other day I was in mcdonalds. I struck up a conversation with the worker who was on break. We had a couple of laughs and then her break was up and she went back. My younger sister then looked at me funny and asked me if I knew her. I said nope, then I asked her why she thought that. She told me it was because our conversation just sounded like we were best buddies.

Another time I was in an elevator and I said "Hi, how's it going?" but I was actually looking at him in the eyes and facing him straight on when I asked. The guy said "Its goi..." and paused. He then said "Its going good,... Thanks". It was at that point that I had realized the words that I had just spoken had connected with him on a level that was far far deeper than those words by themselves ever could. He and I still run into each other and its alot of fun having conversations with him.

My only advice is to be 100% real. If you can't do that then find a way to be 100% real with yourself first and put your self worth in your own hands. If you can place it in the hands of something unchangeable so your self worth never wavers then thats even better.

Good luck with your journey.
Remiel

[Elixir]

Thanks for your reply, Remiel. I used to pretend to be someone else I wasn't, and I tried being myself but that didn't really work either >_< But I"ll take your advice and try to be myself more =) Thanks!

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by Elixir

Thanks for your reply, Remiel. I used to pretend to be someone else I wasn't, and I tried being myself but that didn't really work either >_< But I"ll take your advice and try to be myself more =) Thanks!

One challenge I've found is that the people who have known me for a long while don't see a difference. Its frustrating as hell especially with my brother. With him its almost like I'm chained to my past when I talk with him. I refuse to be put in that position so he and I are barely talking at the moment. Others have taken a while to realize that I have made a change. I almost think its easiest for those who see me infrequently to notice the changes.

I'll give an exercise / diet example. So I've joined a gym and am doing taekwondo and hired a personal trainer for the gym. I've lost 2lbs per week over the past month and a half that I've been doing this. The thing is I don't notice it. Oh the measurements are different every time I have them taken at the gym with my trainer. But I don't see a physical difference. However those who see me once a monthish have commented that I look great and that they can tell that I've lost weight. Its pretty cool.


Personally I've decided to make integrity my core value. With a heart of integrity this means that all men can trust me and I believe I can be friends with everyone. Even when I disagree with them.

It may very well be that the people at your school just won't be your friend. This will change in college because you have a much larger choice of where to go and who you hang out with. Even if they still chose to not be your friend I'd still recomend being 100% real. Once that became normal for me I found it to be a huge boost in both energy in myself and connectivity with others because I wasn't maintaining a mask and a wall.

The only other significant thing I do is I accept everything. I may not agree with your viewpoint but I acknowledge it and I accept it as being your viewpoint. I can even find value in your viewpoint. The reason being is I don't know the full truth about pretty much anything. So if you have an element of the truth I want it. Even if your idea itself or viewpoint itself is flawed I can find some value in the truth in it. I also chose to accept everyone regardless of their choices in life. Who they act like does not mean that their core self is truely that way. They just are out of touch with that core self.

I don't know if I've communicated this well or not but hey, thats life. All I'm really trying to say is that I can befriend a drug addict, an alcoholic, or even a gay guy because I can understand that their choices probably stem from their past. I don't have to judge them and I don't even have to give them advice or make them change to be the way I think they ought to be. I merely accept them and encourage them when they decide that its time to change. In a way I believe I am a safe person to be a friend to.


The only thing I might advise you on is about giving advice (ironic I know ). I have found that unless a person is seeking it out and open to it they don't particularly want or like advice. I've actually changed the way I give suggestions (or advice) because of it. Instead of telling someone what they should do in that situation. I will tell them what I would do or how I see the situation. Or if possible I'll even share myself by telling them about a similar time that I went through and what I did in that situation. It still bothers some people (Like my brother) but thats ok. I find that people are actually accept input from others when they aren't being told what to do.


Well I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions.

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by Elixir

I honestly don't understand what's so wrong with me that people don't want to make friends with me =\. I feel like I'm a pretty interesting person. I think I'm decent looking [should looks even matter in friendships...], I think I'm pretty mature for my age, and I really care about people. I go out of my way to do nice things for my friends, I always listen to their problems and give advice, sometimes I'll surprise people with nice things they didn't expect, and if they have a problem, I'll go out of my way to research on it for them and I spend a lot of time thinking about other people. However,my kindness is never reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm a nice person by default and I don't want to become a bitch just because other people aren't nice, but how my friends don't even care about me makes me want to be a bitch. =\

I'm a teenager in high school btw...is it just this teenager 'phase' or will things get better as I get older? =\ I feel like things will never change.

First of all, you're blaming yourself. You could always turn it around into a self-esteem-boosting phrase and ask "What's so right with me?"

Secondly, sounds like you're letting everyone walk all over you. I was a teenager once and I know that around that age many are very critical and "gimme gimme" that I wouldn't be surprised if people were taking your kind words, generous gifts and sucking it all up with little appreciation for you. Time will pass and you'll notice a bit more maturity. (note, I say "a bit")

The thing is, you've created a pattern. Now many of those people are going to expect you to keep supplying things to them, even if they won't ever say a genuine "thank you" at the very least.

I'll use a metaphor here and say it's sort of like feeding a bunch of hungry wolves. They'll happily snatch up the meat you offer and may even growl at you; turning their faces away with "THEIR" food thinking that you may steal it from them. However, the moment you have no more food they'll start hunting you down.

And in this thread I see you're basically asking why the wolves are acting like that even though you were so generous?

You cannot control the wolves. You can only control yourself. Ask whether if they are really the beings you want to be around with, or maybe instead of feeding wolves you can treat a cuddly terrier that would be more than happy to thank you for your attention. =)