getting feedback

[jaamkie]

so, I'm trying to figure out what to work on, where I should be steering myself, and in the course of doing so, I've asked a close friend for feedback on what he thinks I should work on. He's quite judgemental by nature, quite smart and has similar values/opinions as I do, so I usually think he's right in his judgements. Basically I respect his opinion enough to quite want to hear it. However he frustratingly told me he wouldn't pick out my flaws for me!

I have more distant friends, but often I don't feel they know me well enough or we have basically different views of the world and I know I wouldn't respect their judgements enough, would probably argue with them or dismiss them... Tonight I'm going to ask my parents what they think, however they don't see me in the same situations/light as my friends, so I'm not sure where else to go- any ideas how else to get feedback?

I've thought of talking to a life coach, however I'm not sure I'm ready yet to make full use of one, not sure how I'd find one able to understand my goals and help me towards them, not sure if it is worth the cost... has anyone had any experience with life coaching?

[Brutha]

What kind of feedback do you want?

[Angela]

You might want to have another go at your original pal, the guy who didn't want to pick out your flaws.

There are a couple of reasons I think that is a good idea: one is that you instinctively trust him to give the kind of advice that will be helpful for you, and you are probably right; and the other is that the practice of getting his feedback despite his original refusal could be a huge triumph for you in accomplishing what you want in life.

He DID give you feedback! His feedback said: you asked the wrong question. However it was you worded your request, what he heard was "what are my flaws? what is wrong with me? what should I change?" and he refused to take part in that losing proposition (he sounds really smart to me -- you're right to want his advice! ) If you are smart enough to take his feedback, you can reword your request so that he hears your real question: "I trust you; would you please help me see something that is in my blind spot? If you were in my position, in which direction would you turn? What would you focus on to maximize being in love with your own life, if you were me? I'm not asking you to fix or change me; I would just like to try on a new perspective and I value your ability to point out new perspectives. What do you say?"

....or whatever it would take for him to hear your real request, which has nothing to do with any flaws.

[jaamkie]

well not relationship feedback, I'm kinda exhausted by dating and taking break from that; and not career feedback- I've received that, and appreciate its accuracy, but I don't care much about my current job, and I'm trying to figure out what I do want in a more general sense- anyway, to quote from some recent emails.....

motivations/ideally what I want to be:

I do love other people (beings? earthlings?)- both personally family and friends, and in a general way that makes me care about conflict and suffering in the world- that's definitely part of my motivation in life. Also somehow, in a selfish way, appreciation of art and beauty and all that stuff I can't put into words is quite important- the worst feeling for me is feeling empty, like I don't have any emotions or thoughts to express, like I can't sense that inner spirit in each of us, like I could see a beautiful sunset or a beautiful painting or hear a beautiful song and feel nothing.

I think rather than wanting to own any particular physical things, or to have any particular social standing, or to accomplish any particular achievement, what I want is to become a particular sort of person: perceptive, wise, compassionate, independent, and creative. I want to be a clear conduit, overflowing with God's love and strength and wisdom, so much that I can live each day continually outpouring, giving to others, and yet never run dry.

where I think I'm at:

Had dinner with my parents- good food, good conversation, toward the end asked them what they thought my biggest flaws were- mom's first comment was "idealism"- though she says I've improved in being somewhat practical, but I have to realize that things don't always work out in practice as I idealize them, that people aren't as good as I believe... dad's first comment was "passivity"- that I sometimes just go along with things and let them happen to me, like work or relationships etc, instead of actively having a plan... then dad's second comment was "timeliness"- which I expected (though I arrived on time to the restaurant tonight!), I have a bad habit of running late- he's right, it is rude, and it is something I'm trying to improve... then mom's second comment was "keeping in touch with people"- that I don't initiate enough conversations/plans with them, with my sis, with my cousins, etc; though she says I've much improved on the past, and she gives me credit for commitment to my grandparents- again probably she's right, I get lazy and prefer to sit at home alone instead of always being around other people that I often find exhausting...

If I try to analyze myself, I think my current most obvious flaws would be:
selfishness- that basically I haven't fully committed myself to caring for others equally to myself- I'm mostly selfish and only occasionally generous/giving, even though when I push myself to be more caring, I'm actually a happier person myself as well...
carelessness- being lazy about taking care of all the little details, being lazy about completing things, being lazy even in my thought process, not noticing things or not being careful enough with people's feelings just out of lazy selfish blunt honesty
uncriticality/indiscriminate tastes- that maybe I take seeing the good in things too far, to the point of refusing to criticize even things that really deserve criticism, particularly that I am uncritical of my own efforts and my own flaws more than anything else- so also arrogance mixed with this...

[Brutha]

well not relationship feedback, I'm kinda exhausted by dating and taking break from that; and not career feedback- I've received that, and appreciate its accuracy, but I don't care much about my current job, and I'm trying to figure out what I do want in a more general sense- anyway, to quote from some recent emails.....

If you don't know what kind of feedback you want you probably won't get good feedback.

I have more distant friends, but often I don't feel they know me well enough or we have basically different views of the world and I know I wouldn't respect their judgements enough, would probably argue with them or dismiss them.

If you ask for feedback and you argue with the other person you miss the point of feedback.
However the other person perceives you, he/she is right with her perception.
Even if you don't agree it's still important that you have characteristics that let other people perceive you in a certain way.
For that reason you should thank everyone for good honest feedback. Receiving feedback doesn't have something to do with justifing yourself.

Being bad at receiving feedback could be a reason that your friend doens't want to give you feedback.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Being bad at receiving feedback could be a reason that your friend doens't want to give you feedback.

Boy, that is so true! I've had that happen to me, haven't you? Where someone asks you for your honest feedback, and no matter how tactfully you express your thought, they bite your head off. I call these people Trappers.

[jaamkie]

well I'm far from perfect and I realize maybe most of the time I'm not as open to feedback as I could be, but that's why I was being careful to ask from people and at a time when I felt I could be open to it and not bite their head off for answering my question honestly...

I remember one ex, unasked, told me his opinion was that I was socially clueless and too unemotional/distant- while yes it is his perception, I remember thinking that I found him too eager to join-up with groups and forget his own center, his own authentic personality, his own ideals/morals... and I found him too needy and overemotional- that's why I had to break up with him- so it goes both ways, we just had different values/expectations... so that sort of feedback isn't so helpful, because it isn't unexpected and I just prefer myself as I am- so I'm trying to ask from people I really respect.

I guess as far as what I was looking for, I was looking for overall general feedback on my personality and character, and for where I'm least measuring up to my ideal image of who I want to be (described above a bit, and the person I was asking is someone who already knows my values and who I want to be)... I didn't want to hear about the specifics of how I am in relationships or how I am at work etc because I'm not at a point to want to invest effort in changing those areas of myself specifically (though if they are changed as I overall try to be a better person, then that's good too).

Of course there is another facet in this I hadn't considered enough perhaps- which is that the friend knows and is trying to stop a bad habit of judging and cutting down everyone/everything he meets. This is why I believe he probably has feedback for me that he just isn't sharing, but also why he could be trying to hold back from saying anything even when asked... He has the personality to tell people exactly what he thinks of them, but also I think has learned from many bad experiences that it is better not to throw everyone's mistakes in their faces all the time, so maybe he goes too far the other way of just internalizing it all and being silently judgementally distant...

[Angela]

I think there's a difference between solicited and unsolicited feedback. When your ex offered to you his criticism of you, you were aware that it was at least as much about himself as it was about you. When you request feedback, that's a great time to practice being as accepting as possible, and as diligent as possible about looking for the inner truth of what that person is giving you.

That said, I think it's also very valuable to look for the inner "yes" of what unsolicited advice is saying to you -- as Byron Katie talks about, it's not hard to find the truth about yourself in other people's criticism, if you look boldly enough. Especially in a romantic partnership -- the hotbed of personal growth!

So what advice would you give to you, what "ideal self" do you see yourself living up to, and what inspired action can you see would be possible if you were to step outside your normal, habitual view of yourself? What if you were to "try on" being that friend you trust, and take a look at yourself from his point of view, and see what advice you would give yourself from this new perspective?

[Brutha]

I didn't want to hear about the specifics of how I am in relationships or how I am at work etc because I'm not at a point to want to invest effort in changing those areas of myself specifically (though if they are changed as I overall try to be a better person, then that's good too).

To get better you always have to change something specific.
You have to go the road one step at a time and every step should include something specific.

General statements like "You are too passive" or "You are too idealistic" probably won't help you at all, because they aren't actionable.
The more specific the feedback, the more likely that you can do something with it.