Someone told my husband I was here

[evacorges]

I sincerely apologise if this is in the wrong thread category. The problem seems a social one to me...

A while back, I started a thread about relationship problems I had been experiencing. Yesterday, my husband received an email from someone named mariet van der heide, who neither I nor he knows, at his work email, containing a link to said thread with the question whether he knew about this. She felt he should know...

I am disturbed by this... How can someone make a connection from my username to my private person to my husband to his email adress? Why would someone we do not know go to the trouble of taking those steps? Is this a common thing?

And no, our relationship has not been negatively impacted. Most of what is in the thread has already been said, I think. We are in calmer waters now. But at the time, not all I told in the thread had been spoken between us. Only the timing made this a small bump instead of a huge one.

I feel very great hesitation to get up close and personal in an online forum again... A shame, because the responses I got were friendly, encouraging and helpful.

[carenkh]

I don't know anything about that - I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry this happened to you! I've never heard of anything like that happening here. So your username isn't close to your real name? I'm wondering if it's someone who works with your husband or otherwise knows him who reads here and just guessed it was you, based on your username. They could use a false e-mail addy to contact him.

[Dan.Linehan]

I would assume that she googled your screen name or email address.

[Steve Pavlina]

No idea how this happened, but it's generally best not to put much faith in the notion of online anonymity. It's probably safer to accept that everything you post online can be connected with your real identity.

[Brutha]

You use a nickname that has only 3000 google hits. If you use the nickname somewhere else and have their a connection with your real identity. Maybe someone who knew of your devientArt webside or the bookcrossing thing?

You could also just had bad luck and a person you know frequents this forum and recognised your situation.

[evacorges]

No, my username is linked to my first names only. My last name is vastly different. My current thinking is that this person knows either me or my husband, and found my deviantArt account and started googling my username. I still don't know who she is though... maybe one of my husbands patients has too much time on her hands I am going to let this go now.

[Bruce Achterberg]

You could always take 100% responsibility for what you post. Seriously. It'll do more for your personal development than you think.

Not only has it made me more honest, but it makes me much more aware that the aspects of your life that you think you need to hide really aren't a big issue at all.

I guess I don't try to solve people problems on the forums, but then, I'd rather approach the person themselves about the problem or somehow work that particular relationship out of my life. It's not always black and white, but usually things are simpler than they seem. Our thinking about them just makes them into big scary monsters that we must avoid at all costs (which doesn't really help much).

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Bruce Achterberg

You could always take 100% responsibility for what you post. Seriously. It'll do more for your personal development than you think.

I do. I try, anyway. I was mostly surprised something like this could happen.

Originally Posted by Bruce Achterberg

I guess I don't try to solve people problems on the forums, but then, I'd rather approach the person themselves about the problem or somehow work that particular relationship out of my life. It's not always black and white, but usually things are simpler than they seem. Our thinking about them just makes them into big scary monsters that we must avoid at all costs (which doesn't really help much).

I agree, but what I needed was input from people who had been through changes and come out the other side, and who know what it does to a relationship or marriage. These people are a scarce commodity in my life, and those I do know are single. Their choice of partners just evolved to suit how they were.
I needed confirmation that I was not investing in a lost cause, mostly. I know forums are not going to solve my problems, but forums are great for gathering information, which is what I was looking for.
I needed the courage to continue on with a relationship which had hit a very bleak spot. I have learned a lot since then already and have accepted that all I can do is my very best. And that there are limits to how I will allow myself to be treated. And that I must be verbal about those limits. And then time will tell.
All these things are harder than working this relationship out of my life, but I will only be able to do that if I can look my children in the eye and tell them I did everything I could do to avoid it. Divorce is not a good pattern to teach children.

[Elenny]

You would be surprised at how small the internet and the universe really are sometimes, especially when Google is involved.

My brother was going through a divorce earlier this year and his wife dropped a bomb on him in court by showing all kinds of things he did online over the last few years. Being a computer geek he thought he had his trail covered, but it didn't matter. His wife was on to him the whole time, and he is still baffled by it.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but on the bright side, I'm sure you and many other people will learn a valuable lesson from this incident.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by evacorges

No, my username is linked to my first names only. My last name is vastly different. My current thinking is that this person knows either me or my husband, and found my deviantArt account and started googling my username. I still don't know who she is though... maybe one of my husbands patients has too much time on her hands I am going to let this go now.

I would insist to your husband he tell you who this person is that feels they need to meddle in your affairs. There is nothing wrong with putting an anonymous thread out to get advice on a problem. Why would this person get involved? It doesn't make sense unless it was an in-law. If it were just a friend of his, they'd stay out of it, unless they're trying to break you up for their own selfish reasons. You have a right to know.

[Brutha]

I would insist to your husband he tell you who this person is that feels they need to meddle in your affairs.

She said above that her husband doesn't know the person.

There a facebook account under the name Mariette Van Der Heide Mariëtte Van Der Heide | Facebook
Do you or your man recognise that person?

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Brutha

She said above that her husband doesn't know the person.

There a facebook account under the name Mariette Van Der Heide Mariëtte Van Der Heide | Facebook
Do you or your man recognise that person?

The person HAS to know them unless she put her husbands name or email in the thread, right? I don't believe a total stranger would waste so much time and do so much detective work. Something doesn't add up. It seems to me the husband is protecting the third party.

[Brutha]

I don't believe a total stranger would waste so much time and do so much detective work.

There are a variety of reasons to do a bit detective work.
Maybe she or her husband has a stalker?
Maybe a competitor wanted to research a bit.
Maybe a patient or would be patient has to much time on his hand and wants to check whether her husband gives away private information.

There could be all sort of reason to research a person. And not everyone respects privacy as much as you would hope.

[evacorges]

Well, everybody, thanks for your concerns. We had a second woman notify my husband of the same thread! So I emailed that one and asked her what on earth she thought she was doing.

She replied that she was a 70 year old woman called sophie boerma, with a longterm interest in geneology. She and her friend apparently look for what they consider compromising posts and try their utmost to figure out who the matching partner to this relationship is.
That they succeeded in our case is considered a great succes, and they believe that their email should be considered a warning to my husband not to let me put too much personal stuff online (!)
sigh. The email adress she used is gone now, so she is very adept at covering her own tracks. The name is probably false too, I expect.
I advised her to go help the police catch bad guys online.

[Jcs]

Mm, both dutch names. And you have a picture of yourself on deviantART. The province you life in ain't hard to find either. For some reason I doubt that it just coincidence

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by evacorges

Well, everybody, thanks for your concerns. We had a second woman notify my husband of the same thread! So I emailed that one and asked her what on earth she thought she was doing.

She replied that she was a 70 year old woman called sophie boerma, with a longterm interest in geneology. She and her friend apparently look for what they consider compromising posts and try their utmost to figure out who the matching partner to this relationship is.
That they succeeded in our case is considered a great succes, and they believe that their email should be considered a warning to my husband not to let me put too much personal stuff online (!)
sigh. The email adress she used is gone now, so she is very adept at covering her own tracks. The name is probably false too, I expect.
I advised her to go help the police catch bad guys online.

Some people sure have weird interests don't they . Not to mention some strange beliefs. Its interesting because I am both impressed and disgusted at the same time. Their ability to put connect things is very impressive. Their useage of that ability is appalling.

Well hopefully this doesn't cause you too much grief both now and in the future. Also hopefully you won't allow this instance to ruin posting on this website.

[wolfgang]

OP: maybe your husband bugged your computer with a stealth key logger, saw whatever it was you were wanting advice about in this forum and didn't like that so then spoofed an email address as a round about way to warn you (and to not have to admit to spying on you)

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by evacorges

Well, everybody, thanks for your concerns. We had a second woman notify my husband of the same thread! So I emailed that one and asked her what on earth she thought she was doing.

She replied that she was a 70 year old woman called sophie boerma, with a longterm interest in geneology. She and her friend apparently look for what they consider compromising posts and try their utmost to figure out who the matching partner to this relationship is.

It still doesn't make sense to me...

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

It still doesn't make sense to me...

I choose to accept it at face value. The whole idea that it might be the pretty girl the link on facebook shows makes me very unhappy. I prefer old ladies with weird hobbies. We'll see.
I got to have an uncomfortable chat with my husband, some truths were told that were overdue, and we are both feeling better now.
It remains a weird episode though. I will be keeping an eye out for other unusual things though, just in case.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by evacorges

I choose to accept it at face value. The whole idea that it might be the pretty girl the link on facebook shows makes me very unhappy. I prefer old ladies with weird hobbies. We'll see.
I got to have an uncomfortable chat with my husband, some truths were told that were overdue, and we are both feeling better now.
It remains a weird episode though. I will be keeping an eye out for other unusual things though, just in case.

It's good you're working it out. It has to be an awful feeling to realize your anonymity was so easily lost. I make take precautions now.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

OP: maybe your husband bugged your computer with a stealth key logger, saw whatever it was you were wanting advice about in this forum and didn't like that so then spoofed an email address as a round about way to warn you (and to not have to admit to spying on you)

ouch! he has the knowledge and ability, for sure. He was a little too upset for that to ring true, though. He is not upset at what was in the post, but upset at the whole idea someone is tracing this stuff and telling him about it. twice!

[Niamh]

It could also be someone at work. If you got online at work (or any other place) and forgot to delete your browsing history etc. someone might have snooped around... They hit the link, you're still logged in, & ta da .. they know what you posted.

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by Niamh

It could also be someone at work. If you got online at work (or any other place) and forgot to delete your browsing history etc. someone might have snooped around... They hit the link, you're still logged in, & ta da .. they know what you posted.

That would require me to have a job. I take care of my kids and am starting up a business from home

[ellie]

wow, pretty scary.

I feel for you evacorges, especially for the fact that someone could be so spiteful. It's a shame, but thanks for bringing the matter to light. It's so easy to forget that we are not as anonymous as we may think.

It's sounds like things were resolved with your husband, still it would be nice to think that you could post your thoughts on a forum without having to worry that a aquaintence, friend or family member will be informed. I have seen it happen on one other forum, a woman would account her daily thoughts about her work situation on a blog and somehow one of her work collegues got hold of it and informed the boss. Ouch!

[Swannie]

As Steve says, we are not truely anonymous when we post on the internet. And the Internet Archive can mean what you post is still around after you post it.

Friends of mine got into trouble at university from posting on their blogs about lecturers.

I do suspect there are people out there that get a kick out of letting people know they are being talked about. Hmm, actually I KNOW there are people out there. Thankfully they are usually found in high school.

[James45]

Maybe it was the universe folding to your desires to make you a better person, to improve yourself and accept there is no reason to hide?

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by James45

Maybe it was the universe folding to your desires to make you a better person, to improve yourself and accept there is no reason to hide?

Not something one can rule out Hiding is definitely something I have been working on. You'd think that something you learn in a short period of time in your life could be unlearned easier
Making progress though. I just met someone I greatly respect who hadn't seen me for three years and got so many compliments I just feel aglow

[duffy123]

Originally Posted by evacorges

ouch! he has the knowledge and ability, for sure. He was a little too upset for that to ring true, though. He is not upset at what was in the post, but upset at the whole idea someone is tracing this stuff and telling him about it. twice!

What a story Evacorges!
Did your husband tell you about the strange email he received, or did you checked his mail for him?
If he told you about it, he won't have something to hide, does he?
When I read this story, I don't understand why you think there's someone else. I think you should trust your husband till otherwise proven (or are there reasons already?)
I don't think this should be a reason for a divorce, then there should be more important problems between you two.

[Erock]

Yeah, in my opinion, the internet is fairly anonymous except when either

A. Someone is trying to find you and is good with computers/internet
B. Some freak coincidence.

I'm not sure which one you're in, you could probably tell better than us. I could probably never run for political office based on the stuff I've posted online. I'm guessing our future presidents will never have used the internet.

Erock

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by duffy123

What a story Evacorges!
Did your husband tell you about the strange email he received, or did you checked his mail for him?
If he told you about it, he won't have something to hide, does he?
When I read this story, I don't understand why you think there's someone else. I think you should trust your husband till otherwise proven (or are there reasons already?)
I don't think this should be a reason for a divorce, then there should be more important problems between you two.

My husband told me about it - he even forwarded me the second one he got.
I never thought there was someone else at first, but someone on the forum here suggested it. Seeing as we have had a rocky patch in our marriage it is not something you can realistically rule out - although I have no current suspicion he is having an affair. I trust him. And I also try to be realistic.

As for reasons for a divorce - getting your nose rubbed into the fact that your wife told some forum that she thinks she would not pick you now if she had to choose someone to marry is a tough nut. Luckily I had told him as much in the interval between my writing that and his being pointed it out. We did have a conversation about the whole thing recently and both learned some stuff about each other and are feeling better now.