Justified Jealousy

[MadHatter]

I have been dating "Keith" for over 2 years. When we first started dating he did some things I was willing to overlook. I cared for him and thought I would be able to get over what happened because it wasn't very bad. He had gotten one of his x's to send nude pictures of herself to his phone. This happened another time with a second x. About 6 months ago I also discovered that when we had first began dating he asked another x if she would sleep with him one last time, even though he also tagged onto the end "not that I don't have a good thing going with my gf". He denied it, but it was a very hesitant denial. I also know the girl and trust that she wouldn't lie about that sort of thing.
Around the time we were dating for a year he had been talking a lot about getting engaged, and even had me look at rings. I then found out that he met a girl online though one of his gaming websites and was planning on meeting her for movies. While he said they would have to get to know one another and take it from there, he also said he was planning on breaking up with me. She made it clear in her emails they would not be "friends" for very long. I did break up with him after finding out that but the next day he apologized and we got back together.
I have become a very cliche stupid girl. The ones who date losers and never break up with them for someone better, because they love them. I never thought anything was too bad, because nothing had actually ever happened between he and any of those girls.
Last night he was texting a new girl he had met at his friends party, she's the sister of one of their friends. She asked what his sign was, and said she'd like to get to know him better and that she was attracted to him. I got quite upset when I saw that. And after everything that has happened before I feel as though he's just planning on finding another girl and moving on.
I asked him about it. He said they're just friends, why should I freak out? So I explained to him after everything that's happened before what am I supposed to think? That's just like the things that the girl he planned to meet said, followed by her saying she wanted to rape him. His only idea for a solution is to not talk to anyone, so I don't freak out.

Sorry, I know this got longer than I expected it to.
How can I get over the past and trust him now? I don't want to stop him from talking to other girls. But why can't they just talk as friends instead of "im so attracted to you" "even though youre not single right now we should go to th movies" etc.? How can I get over everything and learn to trust him again? Is it even worth the time? Sometimes I think I should just forget about it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MadHatter

How can I get over everything and learn to trust him again?

Hi, MadHatter, welcome to the forums. I hope you get and give lots of value here.

As to your question, Trust is a choice. It's your choice to make whether you trust this fellow or not, so that's how you get over everything and learn to trust him -- you choose to.

In my opinion, it would be a very wise choice for you to choose to trust him to keep on doing what he has been doing for two years. He is exactly who he is, and you can trust him to keep being who he is. If you are willing to accept that, then you can make an evaluation of whether or not continuing to date him works for you in living a life you love (if living a life is what you're interested in.) Why not choose to trust yourself, MadHatter?

If this were my boyfriend, my choice would be to DTMFA. But that's just me.

[Alexjstrandberg]

there is no way to trust him because he is not trustworthy or willing to change. People make mistakes and slip up and realize what they have done and change it permanently. The ones that don't aren't going to change and you are no helping this by rewarding his bad behavior by staying with him.

The only way you could trust him now is by lying to yourself hardcore which is very difficult to do.

[Alexjstrandberg]

it's not worth your time but you need to go through the lessons of being cheated on. One day it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you will have no question as whether to stay with him or not, you will be gone without a second thought.

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by Angela

If this were my boyfriend, my choice would be to DTMFA. But that's just me.

DTMFA = Drop The M$#@!% F$*^#@ Already? If so I'm ROMFFLMAO.

And MadHatter, unless you're cool with an open relationship, I would DTMFA as well.

[Angela]

I'm simply too much of a lady to say it outright.

[SomeRandomGuy]

If you are ok with this behavior, then you can probably safely trust him to continue. However, if you are not ok with this I would get out of the relationship. I have seen too many people stuck in a miserable relationship becuase they think they can change the other person. My best friend's sister is in this same situation right now. People don't change unless they want to, and it doesn't sound as though he has given you any reason to think that he wants to change.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

If you are ok with this behavior, then you can probably safely trust him to continue. However, if you are not ok with this I would get out of the relationship. I have seen too many people stuck in a miserable relationship becuase they think they can change the other person. My best friend's sister is in this same situation right now. People don't change unless they want to, and it doesn't sound as though he has given you any reason to think that he wants to change.

Well put and to the point. IMO - and I'm not trying to tell you what to do - the guy is a scumbag. From what you described it sounds like he welcomes the sexual attention from other girls... WITHOUT ANY INTENTIONS TO MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES!! But again, you can't change him. What you see is what you get. In the past I've fallen in love w/ who I wanted someone to be and not who they actually were. Your hopefulness towards him changing is going to drain you. Do you like living like that? Are you comfortable w/ him? -Has he become the old, comfortable sweater to you?

Recently I had a conversation w/ a friend about friends, friends in general, nobody specifically. He told me that he'd rather have no friends than friends that he doesn't like, that don't have similar morals, that simply aren't good for him. Do you have a similar outlook on your relationship w/ your b/f or are you comfortably stuck in a stagnant relationship??

[MaxLight]

Hey Madhatter

In my opinion this guy isn't going to learn. He has no motivation to learn, you're still with him after all he's done. If I were in your position I'd leave immediately, not that it would be easy, but look at what you're doing. You're choosing him over your self respect.

What is a relationship when you boil it down? A huge component of a relationship is integrity and mutual trust. He does not have integrity and he is not about to learn it.

You need to have the sense of self worth to see that you dont need this guy. You really dont, you can get another guy who wont treat you like this. The world is full of guys, he's not the most attractive he's not the only one for you! You have to see that you have options here.

I feel btw that you will learn this lesson regardless. Either you'll leave, he'll dump you or (most likely) he'll cheat on you and devastate you.

It's your life, it's up to you to get a guy you want to be with. It's like the old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". You've told your bf that you want integrity, you've showed him you're very unhappy with how he is treating you. There's nothing else you can do, either he see's his lack of integrity as a problem or he doesn't. You can't change him.

[AndreiR]

Okay so this guy is disrespecting you by talking to his exes. That's not healthy, that's not loving, right?
Mutual respect is the very basis of a solid relationship.
So why did you put up with this for so long? You actually said that you saw it right from the beginning. He won't change. If you want him like that, then stay, if you don't, then leave