Male vs. Female: Compliments and Support

[The Cloud]

I recently read a book called "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. It's about the different ways that males and females communicate, and it made me understand something that has bothered me for quite a while.

I'm not good at compliments. It really just isn't easy for me to say "good job" or "way to go." If I make a compliment, I have to disguise it as a joke, like a backhanded or sarcastic statement. The reason for this is perfectly summed up in a statement by Hancock (Will Smith) in "Hancock" when he's being coached by public relations expert Ray (Justin Bateman):

Ray: "There's an officer there, and he's done a good job so you might want to tell him he's done a good job."

Hancock: "What the hell would I have to tell him for, Ray, if he's done a good job?"

I don't give compliments because, from the male perspective, they are derogatory. A compliment says "You don't know how to do your job well enough to know whether or not you're doing it well, so I have to tell you." You compliment a young child who just accomplished something trivial by adult standards. You compliment somebody who is just learning something new that you are already proficient at. You don't compliment somebody who is competent and mature and self-reliant.

But, from a more female perspective, compliments are completely different. A compliment says "I'm good and you're good! We're all good together!" It emphasizes closeness between the complimenter and complimentee. It's much less about how good the compliment receiver actually is, and much more about how connected they are with the compliment giver.

The status/closeness motif is noticeable in the forums, as well. When I write, I'm trying to solve a problem. Somebody has presented me with a puzzle, and it is up to me to figure it out. Yet I so often see other people writing posts that seem to do absolutely nothing to advance the thread, and simply either relate to the problem the person is having or give them a verbal pat on the back telling them that it's all alright. I've even tried to write posts like that, posts that emphasize connection between myself and the other forum member, and I just can't do it without at least providing some smidgen of advice or opinion or something "substantial."

And yet, as far as posts that I like to read, one of my favorite kinds is the kind that tells me that what I said was great and that I'm a fantastic person. Because no matter how great or fantastic I am, it's hard to feel great or fantastic when nobody seems to care.

So my resolution is to compliment more. It's really hard, and I'm not very good at it, but I'm going to try to be more supportive and connected, rather than aloof and imperial.

[Angela]

Wow. I hope you will keep us posted on how it goes for you -- that's sort of a big thing to take on.

(I never got "aloof and imperial" from you, by the way.)


(I'm noticing and caring, not being derogatory. )

[ghfever]

That's a good way to live. Complimenting people doesn't cost anything, it doesn't hurt anyone, it's just all around a good thing. You make someone feel good.

I know when I do something that i'm proud of and no one seems to care, I don't understand. I withdraw and feel hurt by it. I love to hear compliments, not for my ego, but just to know that i'm doing something right and I CAN be good at something, you know?

And I do that alot. Relate to a person or compliment them rather add something to the post. You just made me realise this :P

[ghfever]

ARGH ANGELA! Everytime! By seconds again. Lmao.

I just replied to you in that thread I started.

[Rose of Cairo]

The Cloud, what you said is fantastic and you're such a great person!



But seriously, I never got "aloof and imperial" from you. You're kindly trying to help. I like your posts, I always read them when I see one of them. Usually I ignore "men are like this, women are like that" threads, the only reason I read this one is that you started it.

Let us know how you're doing with creating closeness by complimenting I'm looking forward to seeing how your posts will change from now on. I'll watch them!

As for writing posts to provide emotional support vs. writing posts to solve a problem... Why not do both depending on what the other person needs? Sometimes you can feel that a poster needs some love and encouragement now. Other times what they need is a concrete solution. Why not train yourself in listening to what they need and answering appropriately? We all can do both ways, no matter what our gender is

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ghfever

ARGH ANGELA! Everytime! By seconds again. Lmao.

I just replied to you in that thread I started.

Looks like we like to travel together.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Cloud. Just wanted to say that I've always been blown away by your posts that are so dense with great advice. Usually I think to myself, that whippersnapper (a term or endearment, no offense intended) came up with the perfect solution!

I think your goal is great, connection is something I value highly.

Many times I don't know how to help and so I offer my support and encouragement so that the thread stays up until someone like you can come along and provide a solid answer. So, see we are all working together from our strengths.

I think that I will read that book.

[ghfever]

Originally Posted by Angela

Looks like we like to travel together.

where in sync!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ghfever

where in sync!

Together Again! I'm Crazy for You.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

Accepting abundance = Hurting people

Gosh, where did THAT equation come from? Is that older than the current roommate situation?

Wow, Angela, you are amazing. You really are. You know exactly how to cut to the important issue. Yes, you're right, now that I think of it this has been a pervasive issue for me. The aversion to asking for help, that is. Help, unless offered, is a debt that has to be paid. In the case of my roommate (should I become unable to pay my half of the rent), and with my college loans, that is exactly what it is. And I can't allow myself to take risks on their money. The same thing applied to getting help for anything else. Homework, for example. I almost never asked for help with homework, usually only as a last resort from incredible frustration, because I had nothing to give in return for the person's time and effort. I don't ask for help, I make exchanges, I pull my own weight. I impose on no one.

As for where this came from, when I really think back, I get the feeling that I was on the side opposite of the debtor. "I did what you wanted, now please just love me." Those are the words that spring to mind. I don't get a sense of anything specific, just the feeling of how much it hurt not to be paid my due. Of trying and trying, and just never getting what I deserved in recompense, of never having it acknowledged that I was worthwhile. And I can't allow myself to become that, I can't be the person that does that to somebody. I am a burden. I give and I give and I give, and I don't get in return, so I must be doing something wrong, I must not be worth it. Giving doesn't work, so I won't give. But I won't accept getting without giving, so all I'm left with is not allowing myself to become a burden. "You don't want to give me anything, so I don't want your help. You keep it, I can do without you. I'm alone, and I don't need you. Take your help somewhere else, I don't want it anymore." "Don't help me, I'm not worth it." These are also words that spring to mind. "I'm alone, and I don't need you" resonates especially hard. I had tears, and I just don't get teary-eyed. Practically never. It says I can create something worthwhile by myself, something that will finally be worth paying me back for rather than just taking without payment. I don't want help, because that proves nothing. I will do it alone, and you will see that there is something worthwhile in me.

Even with this thread, I find myself searching for a way to do as much as possible without any intervention from anyone else. It's really hard to just accept your help. But I'm going to, I'm not going to dig anymore by myself and I'm going to accept your help. And I will appreciate it, even if it hurts

P.S. All of this is under the presumption that this is what you were hinting at with your reply. *It just seemed to be a big thing you've been doing lately, so I apologize if you weren't looking to get in this deep. I don't mean to presume your help

P.P.S. I think this is the thing that inspired this particular thread, this inability to accept help. I've been feeling very disconnected and alone lately, and I've been searching for a way to be more connected with mine and other's lives. I had a vague idea of what was wrong. Thank you for showing me the way, Angela.

[Angela]

Woweee! You got me teary, too!

[The Cloud]

Wow, with all this digging into the past, I forgot to thank the shovels. Thanks everyone for your posts!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

Woweee! You got me teary, too!

Aww, I didn't mean to make you cry!

Anyways, just for kicks, I've been thinking a little more, and I realized that the door swings both ways. I may be spending all my time proving myself, but I also can't trust the people that I'm proving myself to. So I never know when I'm good enough, because I can't trust the judges' responses. This really does cover a lot of issues that I've had in the past, with trust being added in there. Golly gee, it's everywhere! I had thought I was past all this digging, but I guess some things can still stay in the ground even if you've shoveled the dirt off the top.

For example, just right now when I read Angela's post. I opened myself up, and my expectation was that in exchange for that Angela would give me a big long passage about how to deal with my issue. Instead, I get "just" a woweee. Again, I feel as if the other end of the bargain was not fulfilled, and I am lost and alone and have to do this by myself. I am by no means demeaning your response, Angela, it was probably the best possible thing to show me how pervasive this is in my life. It highlights how I use this to reinforce the idea that I'm alone and can't trust anyone else to help me.

I can't even accept compliments, because those constitute help in the form of encouragement, help that I can't trust and can't rely on. If I get a compliment, then I always have to reciprocate it, to pay back the complimenter so that I don't owe them anything.

Well, figuring out everywhere this is tripping me up does nothing to disarm the trap, so I'm going to reflect on where to go from here.

[Brutha]

You compliment somebody who is just learning something new that you are already proficient at. You don't compliment somebody who is competent and mature and self-reliant.

Learning new things is something wonderful. If someone has learned to do something better than he did in the past, why shouldn't he get a compliment for it.

If you say that someone has learned nothing new in the last weeks, isn't that derogatory?
Nobody is perfect, everybody is there to grow into a even better person.

Having honest feedback is very valuable. Whether it's negative or positive feedback.
You need to know a bit about the other person to give excellent positive feedback.
If you give a girl the compliment that she looks beautiful today because she lost a few pounds till you saw her a few weeks ago, that very valuable to the girl.
She struggled to get her weight down to increase her beauty.
That could give her the energy to keep with her new diet, because she has a postive experience when you compliment her that balances the negative experience of making the effort to get more thin.

Unfortunatly you need a prior relationship to notice changes in someone, so it's something that you can seldom do well online.

[The Cloud]

Angela, I would be perfectly willing to accept any help you are willing to give in public. I find that the emotions that I want to hide from others are the ones that I want to hide from myself, so I have no problem with making this something that other people may benefit from.

On a side note, this is all making me physically ill from stress. Accepting help, that is. It must be something big, at least the last thing that made me feel like this was. Though this time I'm beating around the bush less, as it took me months to meet it head on last time. I guess that's actually the thing that I learned last time, that my fears are often unfounded and better when met full steam ahead.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Angela, I would be perfectly willing to accept any help you are willing to give in public.

Geesh, so much courage here! I am impressed with how much chutzpah you people have.

Actually you are at the point in my coaching at which the next step is done by phone. You have identified your old pain decision, "I am alone and I don't need you." If you'd like to, we can look "out loud" here for the moment in your past when you made that decision, but that's not necessary. It can be interesting to pinpoint it, though, and to see what you've been creating in your life since that moment. Otherwise let me know and we'll do the phone part -- and before we do that you must agree to some things:

1) You agree that you are dynamically committed to having a breakthrough. I don't do the work for you, I ask you questions to guide you, but you do the work. You must commit now to keeping your word to yourself to have a breakthrough or my coaching is not for you.

2) you agree to give our talk your undivided attention. No distractions, kids, work, blackberry, dogs, etc. can come between us for the duration of the approximately 2 hours we'll be talking.

3) you agree to choose trust, and to go where I ask you to go. I'll be asking you to really be present to your feelings and that can be uncomfortable. Your belief "I am alone and I don't need you" will almost certainly interfere, which is kind of funny, isn't it? And you agree to push into your deep inner truth about the questions I ask you, anyway.

If you agree to these things, let me know and I'll PM you about scheduling a call.

[The Cloud]

I agree to all of the above. Saturday is no good for me, but beyond that shouldn't be a problem.

[The Cloud]

I've been exploring the issue, and I believe that I have distilled down to the basic beliefs that are causing me difficulty.

My desires harm others.
I cannot allow myself to hurt others.
I am worthless.
I must do as I am told.

These all seem to cover a vast, vast collection of self-defeating behaviors that I have. I am worthless, so anything that I do I do wrong, and thus to the harm of the person I'm doing it for. But I must submit to authority, which forces me to cause harm to others, because to not do so is to invite negative consequences on myself. Also, should I express my desire for anything I want that I cannot procure for myself, I am being a burden on others. So my response is to separate myself as much as possible. This avoids the negative consequences to myself from punishment for my inevitable failure at any tasks I would be given. It also avoids any harm I may cause others by my failure at the tasks they give me. Additionally, I avoid harming anybody by burdening them with my own desires. It's the trifecta, the optimal solution for everybody involved.

I still don't know where exactly this is all coming from, but I have a good idea for some of it.

I believe I'm worthless: This comes from my step-father. He was very verbally abusive, so every day was a fresh assault on my self-esteem. I eventually came to believe that I was incapable of any success, or anything but failure for that matter.

I must do as I am told: This also comes from my step-father. We lived on a farm, and I had chores to do. If I did them, there was a good chance that I would do something wrong. But if I didn't do them, there was a 100% probability that I was bringing about the apocalypse, which boiled down to a world class ego-smashing from him to me. So I learned not to take joy in my work, because I would do it wrong and likely be punished for it anyways, but to do it only in order to avoid negative consequences.

My desires harm others: This one actually may have come from my mother, whom I love very much. As I said, I lived on a farm, which implies the middle of nowhere. Without a car, it would take an hour to even bike anywhere, so I couldn't do much about my own transportation. Despite that, I wanted to do things after school, or go to a friends house, or other social things. I would never willingly talk to my step-father, so that left my mom as the only person with a vehicle. But she never had time for me, there were always chores to do, or she was tired, or we were really busy and I needed to be home to help with the bottomless list of jobs the farm could generate. So only very rarely could she actually take me anywhere or host a friend of mine, and even on those times it was obvious to me that I was just putting more strain on her already very stressful life, what with my step-father constantly creating some kind of drama. So my desires were rarely met, and when they were they came at the cost of somebody I loved.

I cannot allow myself to harm others: This final one also comes from my step-father. I don't blame him for the way he is, but there are things about him that are very negative to be around. When he is around, everybody is more miserable. He makes everything more difficult, and it's always somebody else's fault when something goes wrong. I saw that, I saw what it did to me and the people I loved, and I hated it. I hated what he was. I hated it as much as I have in me to hate anything. So I suppose that at some point I resolved never to allow myself to become that. I may be worthless, I may be nothing, but I will never be less than nothing. Maybe I can't help, but I will never ever harm. That will be my contribution to the world, my highest aspiration; to do no harm.

This is all supposition. These beliefs may or may not come from the sources described. It just seems logical that these are the general episodes that spawned my current world-view. And I don't actually think in these terms, I've merely derived these terms from what I noticed about the way that I think. More implicit assumptions than explicit statements.

I don't know if I should post this, I don't even know what to do. I can't trust my feelings anymore. The behaviors that feel right now turn out to perhaps not be, the ones that feel wrong may not be, I can't feel the difference. This taints everything that I say and do, and I don't know how else to be. I'd say I'm sorry for filling up the forum with my personal issues, but I don't even know if it's wrong.

[Angela]

The Cloud, this place is all about personal issues! You are being very open and courageous, and just by being honest and bold you are making a difference in people's lives. (Interestingly, I think it's your belief that "I am worthless" that has you even making that last apologetic remark -- you're right; it taints everything.)

You know, your beliefs about yourself don't come from your mother and stepfather. Their behavior, as abusive and ill-judged as it was, did not make you decide you are worthless. Your decisions about yourself come from you. Which is not to say anything is your fault. You were a little child, and it's perfectly in line with what a little child would do when faced with harsh treatment -- he decides it's his fault, he decides there is something wrong with himself, in order to be able to cope with the world. The decisions you made when you were a kid are thoughts in a child's head. And you have been being run by thoughts in that child's head ever since.

This is an important decision to make, because when you recognize that the decisions come from you, you see that you also have the power to make decisions about yourself that work better. You're perfectly free to continue believing the thoughts you had when you were five, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so. But freedom comes when you see clearly what you've been doing -- believing in the ghost of old pain -- and seeing that it's not your only choice.

[MaxLight]

hey there

Just read through this thread and thought i'd offer my thoughts.

The Cloud, you occur to me as an intelligent person. You also seem like you want to do the best for the world and for yourself and that is great.

You occur to me as over-analytical and serious. I see in your profile you are involved in chemistry, (I do physics myself) and as a scientist there is a tendancy to think that all problems can be solved through analysis. This is not the case. Probably the most useful thing I found was seeing the separation between mind and self, if you can live outside your mind it can help relieve the "seriousness" of problems.

You seem to focus on your negative points with highly analytical breakdowns of their causes but dont seem to appreciate your strengths, even when relevant. For example in relation to your self-confidence you say you think you are worthless, but yet you have the confidence to come on here and be honest about your issues. You also believe they are not impossible to solve and that is a very positive and confident attitude.

I get the feeling you are harsh on yourself and somewhat proud of this, perhaps subconsciously you feel this is your greatest strength. But it's ok to put down your sword and interact with the beauty in the world, what are you fighting for? Yet your sharp self-analysis is probably the key to a lot of your success, so you dont want to give it up?

The solution is to analyse like you do, but dont take the "implications" of your analysis so seriously.

It isn't the analysis that hurts you but what you think they imply about yourself or your future... the analysis might be true, the implications are false.

btw I would be optomistic that you will have a breakthrough soon, you seem almost overdue somehow.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

(Interestingly, I think it's your belief that "I am worthless" that has you even making that last apologetic remark -- you're right; it taints everything.)

Ha, I thought it was more "I will cause no harm" that was the biggest factor, but I suppose they all play their part in a morbidly fascinating way.

Originally Posted by Angela

You know, your beliefs about yourself don't come from your mother and stepfather. Their behavior, as abusive and ill-judged as it was, did not make you decide you are worthless. Your decisions about yourself come from you.

I'm aware of this, but thank you for pointing it out and not letting me forget it. I no longer harbor any ill will toward my step-father, or my mother for that matter, because I know that it was me that created my thoughts. I can't blame them, because it wasn't their fault. My step-dad is the way he is, and that's it. It's not him that I hate, so much as it's the idea of hurting people. It just doesn't seem fair to me. Of course, tacit in this assumption is that I hurt people. I think that's the key to the root of all this, my fear of hurting others. I think that maybe I hurt somebody in the past, either accidentally or capriciously, and that is why I'm so terrified to let go of all this. I'm afraid that if I let go, somebody will get hurt.

Now that I think about it, I do remember something that could fit the bill. When I was little, probably 6-8, there was an incident. Me, my sister, and one of my cousins were playing a game of some sort. I think it was hide-and-seek. My little sister tried to hide under the bed, but for some reason the top of a tin of hot cocoa mix was under there, and she cut her thumb badly on the ragged edge. She had to get stitches. I remember everybody thought it was my fault, because if I hadn't put the lid under there then who did? (keep in mind, I was at an age where I did weird things for no reason other than that I hadn't done them before. I remember one time I took a plastic container of some food from the fridge and hid it under my parents' bed. About a week later, I put it back in the fridge. ). The thing is, I don't remember putting the lid under there, even though everybody insisted that it had to be me. I'm wondering, did I really put the lid under there and blocked it out because of how hurt my sister got? I know that it's possible to lie about something so much that you believe the lie yourself. Maybe my guilt caused me to lie away the whole incident so even I didn't remember it.

I don't want to get too caught up in the initiating incident, but I do want to know what is triggering this belief in me.

Originally Posted by MaxLight

btw I would be optomistic that you will have a breakthrough soon, you seem almost overdue somehow.

Where the heck did you come from?! You're pretty smart for a noob. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to use it wisely

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I don't want to get too caught up in the initiating incident, but I do want to know what is triggering this belief in me.

It's funny, because I've found that almost every time people are standing on top of their initiating incident, they say something like what you've said, or "But hmmm, I just can't imagine what my initiating incident is!" The initiating incident is what triggered your limiting belief.

It sounds to me like you are right there. Take a look: in that moment, your sister gets hurt, everyone thinks it's your fault, what did you decide about yourself? It will sound something like "I am ____." It's not "I will not harm anyone" because in fact, your belief includes the conviction that, indeed, someone will get hurt if you "let go." Your limiting belief is a positive statement about what you are. And you have exerted a lot of energy since then proving that you are not _____ and avoiding having people see that you are that. And the other beliefs you listed are like layers of the same onion. When you "hit" your belief, it will really land on you, and you'll see that those other beliefs are all tied up with it.

Take another look.

@MaxLight: Looking boldly at yourself with 100% responsibility is serious business, but that doesn't mean it's not fun.

[The Cloud]

This really does feel like the right track. I don't know that it is this particular memory, though. It may be, but it doesn't feel right. It may be something earlier, perhaps from when my mother and father got divorced. Apparently he was physically abusive, although only to my mom since she still allowed him to have us every other weekend. Thing is, I remember absolutely nothing before the divorce, it happened when I was very young, so I don't know if there is anything to remember there.

To Angela: In your experience, is the trigger memory usually a repressed one? That would at least narrow it down to the memories that I don't remember Also, I don't know if you saw my previous post on this, but I'm ready for the whole phone thing as soon as you are. I wouldn't remind you, except I'm scared to and hoping that you didn't see the post, so I figure it's the right thing to do.

[Angela]

It's not necessary to get to the very, very first incident; what's important is to reach the decision you made about yourself. Very often, the one you remember first leads you to remember earlier incidents, and those incidents bring you to deeper layers of the onion. Reaching the ones you can remember is as valuable as reaching the stuff that's still hidden from your view.

Don't worry, there are many layers! You will see them when it's time to see them.

I'm sending you a PM regarding our phone call. Meanwhile, keep looking for the decision that sounds something like "I am _____." I would invite you to try this on and see how it feels:

"I am harmful."

[The Cloud]

Alright, so I know that you're all dieing for the inside scoop on mine and Angela's discussion. So, about an hour beforehand, I was extremely nervous. For those of you with public speaking fears, it was kind of like that. I never once reconsidered my decision, and I knew that as soon as I got on the phone the nervousness would go away, but up until then I was pretty dang nervous.

Then Angela finally called, and I answered, and she turned out to be a normal person! I know, big surprise forumites, but she's an actual human being! Anyways, I said hi, and she said hi, and then we got down to business. I didn't do any recording, so my recount will be fragmented, but I'll try to get the important points. First off, we started looking for "I am ____," blank being whatever best fits the core of my flawed belief. Of course, this met with all sorts of resistance. I went through memory after memory, but nothing seemed to fit right. Then the topic came to the fairness of one or another of the things that happened in my childhood, and out came "I can't win." Immediately afterward, we lost our phone connection. The first thing that Angela did after she called back was tell me that she thought I had it, and asked me what I thought "it" was. I had already concluded the same thing during the phone silence, so my "I am" was really more of an "I can", which was more of an "I can't" . Then we explored how this has been undermining me my whole life, and then the people around me. I must admit, I did resist some during this stage, because it is REALLY hard to admit my connection to other people. I know this is where I need to work, because frankly I didn't break through in that portion. No fault of Angela's, I was just too stubborn and scared to even know that I was resisting. I did find out how this belief made me feel, and how it may make others feel: sad. Sad at my lost potential, at my loss of connection, at my refusal to fully experience basic human emotion.

That's the real important stuff of what we talked about. I'm sure there were some other significant moments (and Angela, if you're reading this, you have full disclosure rights aside from personal contact information), but these are the parts that stand out the most in my mind. Unfortunately I didn't have a massive breakthrough, but I made very significant progress and now know the areas where my focus is most needed. Most of all, I learned that maybe I can win.

[Angela]

The Cloud, do you want to talk about what you invented for yourself as a new possibility?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by dancer

Hi The Cloud,

I thought about posting in your thread, but did not want to interupt your dialogue with Angela. Anyway, just want you to know that I really like your posts and find much wisdom in them.

I have been thinking about you and am hoping you have a great breakthrough with your current issue.

Love
Dancer

Thanks for interrupting my routine, Dancer ! How am I supposed to deal with all this love and support when I have so much brooding to do?!

[dancer]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Thanks for interrupting my routine, Dancer ! How am I supposed to deal with all this love and support when I have so much brooding to do?!

Acceptance is not just about accepting and allowing negative emotions.

xoxo

[The Cloud]

Oh, jeeze, I guess I forgot the most important part! At the end, we did a word association for what I want my life to be, and I came up with "connecting" and "creating." Since "connecting creator" sounds almost as goofy as "creating connector," we settled on "creating connections" as my major passion. Connections between myself and others, between others and their lives, between ideas and other ideas. Between anything and everything. That is my commitment.

[The Cloud]

Oh goodness, I just realized something! I figured out how I've been trying to get around "I can't win," before I knew about it. I knew that I was extremely smart and capable and talented, and that I could do anything I really set my mind to as long as I wasn't overly hindered. But I couldn't win, so all that didn't matter, I couldn't accomplish anything for myself. But other people could still win! As long as it wasn't a joint effort, as long as it wasn't actually for me or a part of my goals, as long as I couldn't directly benefit from it, I could help somebody else win! That's one (only one, there are many others) reason that this forum was so precious to me; it afforded me a chance to employ my formidable talents to good use in helping other people. In fact, a better use than in my usual life, because I don't have to lead by example on the forum. People only hear about the things that could help them and don't see me failing, so they can't ignore me just because I haven't actually accomplished anything.

That may be the reason I don't like being complimented for myself. I only like compliments that amount to "Wow, you helped me so much, thank you!" It is actually tormenting to hear about my positive qualities, because I know that they can't help me. It just twists the knife to hear that I'm doing a good job, because it's either a honeyed lie or an indicator that failure is imminent. But to know that I helped someone else, that is the real test of my abilities, because if I helped them then that means that my positive qualities actually did something.

That's why I feel no enthusiasm toward a career where I personally accomplish something, where I am a direct cause of success; only other people can win, not me. I keep finding myself trying to figure out how to form a career out of helping others. I don't want anything for myself, because I can't have anything, so I want to give it to others instead.

*After thinking about this further, I realized something really funny. I have a very healthy self-concept. I have little or no doubt about my abilities. It is my concept of the world that is holding me back. Maybe that's why I had so much trouble with the "I am" thing, because there is no problem with what I think I am. The difficulty is that I'm a perfect person living in a world that won't allow him to grow or flourish. Not at all what I expected I would think.