Future inlaws.....anyone have advise?

[ruby9c]

I’m hoping someone on this forum has experience dealing with difficult in-laws and can give me some good advice with my situation.

Brief background - My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. 3 years ago, his parents told me I was no longer welcome in their home and that they wanted nothing more to do with me. I was devastated because the reason they gave for this excommunication was that I am to quite for their liking. My fiancé and I dealt with the situation and gradually his parents began to invite me over for picnics or short shopping trips. I made sure to keep myself available for a repair of our relationship, but they still aren’t willing to get to know me or work on building a relationship. As a result, I don’t have a relationship with his parents and it’s put a strain on me and my fiancé.

Fast forward to today, we are getting married in October. After his parents realized they couldn’t talk us out of getting married, they started to come around to the idea and act excited for us. They told us that as their gift, they would pay for our rehearsal dinner.

That’s a nice gesture, but the reality has been nothing but a struggle. We sat down to discuss a location for the dinner and his father lost his temper and stormed out of the room before we could decide on a time, let a lone a place for the dinner. His mom promised to talk with us about the dinner at a later date and the 3 of us would plan the dinner. That didn’t happen. His parents picked a time, menu and location without asking us for our input at all. That wouldn’t be so bad, except it’s nothing like what either of us wants.

They chose a restaurant 32 miles from our ceremony site and not convenient for most of our wedding party. It’s late at night and I’m afraid the kids in our wedding will be cranky for the ceremony the next day because they won’t get home until after 10pm if they come to the dinner, but I think it’s rude not to invite them because they are family.

His parents are unwilling to change the location or time of the rehearsal dinner and my fiancé and I are struggling with what to do. We start counseling next week to get a neutral opinion on how to handle this situation, but I’m very fearful of the future now.

His family has not been supportive of our relationship and I think they are making it clear they do not intend to make it easy for us.

Does anyone have any strategies that work for dealing with difficult in-laws that could help me maybe work on my relationship with his parents? Maybe it’s a lost cause. I know his family is dysfunctional and they can’t have a conversation without fighting or yelling. I’m just not use to that kind of a reaction from family.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post! Please help if you can.

[SomeRandomGuy]

If I were in your fiance's situation I would tell my parents that I appreciate the gift, but can only accept it if they are willing to step aside and stop trying to make the decisions regarding the dinner planning. If they want to set some limit on the amount the dinner can cost, that seems reasonable. I would not, however, accept a gift that creates such stress. That is not a good way to begin your marriage. I think your fiance needs to be the one to handle this, since they are his parents. It sounds like you and he are in agreement, so it shouldn't be a big deal as long as he is ok with standing up to his parents.

It sounds like the long term relationship with your in-laws could be a more complex problem to solve. I think that accepting this gift on their terms may make fixing the long term relationship more difficult.

One key thing to determining this is based on how your fiance views this situation. If he really wants to remain close to his parents, then it is going to take a lot of effort to get this straightened. If, however, he has no desire to spend time with people who treat him and his wife poorly then the solution is easier.

If I were in this situation I would tell my parents that if they want me, my wife and future kids in their life then they are going to have to start treating us differently. I would explain that I am starting my family, and am not going to put that at risk to continue a relationship with parents who don't seem to be putting forth effort at making the relationship work. I would leave it in their hands, to decide if they were willing to make the kinds of changes needed to be part of my new family.

I have discussed these things were various people, and most often I find that others don't agree with my viewpoints on these. So I would suggest considering other advice, since my advice may not be right for you and your situation.

Good luck.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by ruby9c

Does anyone have any strategies that work for dealing with difficult in-laws that could help me maybe work on my relationship with his parents? Maybe it’s a lost cause. I know his family is dysfunctional and they can’t have a conversation without fighting or yelling. I’m just not use to that kind of a reaction from family.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post! Please help if you can.

Don't resist his parents. Your resistance keeps their dysfunction alive. You've tried to change the dinner time/location to no avail. It's time to start surrendering to the moment and stop resisting what is.

What is, is the dinner is 32 miles away and it's paid for. If you don't like that you can try to change it, get out your credit card and have your own rehearsal dinner without them, or let go of your expectations that dinner has to be "this way" and enjoy your dinner. That's your choice.

[uberinquisitive]

Don't expect the situation to change.

I'm on another messageboard of all women, of all age ranges. The ones who are married constantly talk about their "in-law" horrors. And - yes, it puts a HUGE strain on the marriage. Many end up divorced, or in unhappy relationships, filled with resentment.

The ones who have remained in a happy, strong marriage despite the in-law...they have one trait in common: the spouse with the crazy parents was the sole liason.

As in, let's say that a woman's in-laws are spiteful and controlling....

The marriages that end up in divorce, the wife tries to set boundaries with her in-laws while her husband plays mediator and peacemaker. He tries to make everyone happy, which ends up with no one happy.

The marriages that work, the husband is the main person who deals with the parents. The husband is the negotiator and puts up very strong boundaries, always putting his wife first. The wife either doesn't get involved, or ironically, plays mediator.

Your fiancé must ALWAYS put you as his #1 priority. Over his family. He must be the person who confronts his parents and tells them "yes" or "no." He has to be the active person. He has to shield YOU from them.

Please keep this in mind as you move forward.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't know if you are a reader of Steve's blog or not, so I thought I'd point you to these posts that talk about what you are dealing with:

Understanding Human Relationships
Understanding Family Relationship Problems
Dealing With Difficult Relatives
How to Win an Argument

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Don't expect the situation to change.

The marriages that work, the husband is the main person who deals with the parents. The husband is the negotiator and puts up very strong boundaries, always putting his wife first. The wife either doesn't get involved, or ironically, plays mediator.

Your fiancé must ALWAYS put you as his #1 priority. Over his family. He must be the person who confronts his parents and tells them "yes" or "no." He has to be the active person. He has to shield YOU from them.

Please keep this in mind as you move forward.

I couldn't agree more with this. You can't make them love you.

[Lauxa]

Personally, I wouldn't marry into a dysfunctional family where I wasn't accepted. I believe that when you marry, you are marrying more than a person, you are marrying an entire family. My in-laws have been so important to me in supporting our relationship, helping with the grandkids, etc, while my sister married into a not-so-stable family that has been a constant stress on her relationship.

I am sure this is not what you want to hear since you have already invested 5 years in this relationship and are planning to get married. Maybe if your husband is willing to be a strong advocate for you against his family it will be all right. But I would worry that if your relationship is not going so well (because there will be ups and downs), he will go back to them and team up against you. You know him best and whether this is his style.