How to deal with your partner's jealousy?

[Rose of Cairo]

What if you're in a monogamous romantic relationship with someone and they get jealous about someone else - not as a general attitude, but in a precise case.

Does it make any sense to tell them that they have no reason to be jealous and to reassure them? Or is it smarter just to acknowledge that they are feeling bad, and to give them enough space to go on a distance and handle this alone? Does it make sense to offer to talk with them about it?

[ruby9c]

I think talking it out with your partner is the best and only way to really resolve a situation where jealousy is an issue. If you can put yourself in his shoes and let him know that you're trying to understand where he's coming from, I think that would be a good way to start the conversation. Then explain to him why he shouldn't be worried or jealous. Listen to his concerns and try to come to an agreement at the end.

But, keep in mind that sometimes when a partner is jealous, it's because they have done something to damage the realationship themselves (cheating, etc) and it may be more than a jealousy issue.

Good luck!

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

As Ruby said, talking about it with your partner is probably the best solution. However he has to be willing to talk about it.
If he realizes that it's just a feeling passing through him, and if he doesn't blame you, then it's ok, he'll probably handle this alone. It's ok to be a little jealous sometimes as far as he doesn't blame anyone and he doesn't identify with this feeling.
It's great for him if you let him know that he can talk about it with you if he wants, but he may not necessarily need it.

If he resists the feeling and blames you, maybe help him recognize where this feeling comes from. Is it coming from a scarcity mindset and an attachment (in the negative sense) to this relationship ? Try to understand his point of view and show him how he can see things differently.

[Angela]

I don't think it makes sense to tell him he *shouldn't* be jealous, or that he has no reason to be jealous, because that's not true. Of course he should be jealous, because he is jealous, and of course he has a reason to be jealous, even if it's one you don't think is valid.

I do think it works well to be as loving and generous as you can with him, to reassure him that you have chosen him and you continue to choose him, and that you are totally committed to being his LLTMBR partner, if indeed you are. If you're not, now's a good time to explore 100% responsibility and see who you're being that you find yourself in this boat. Here's your chance to expand into your most loving and generous self -- I think that's what jealousy is here for.

And as Ruby mentioned, ultimately his jealousy is his; it's not your job to fix it for him. Kind of a dichotomy, huh?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't think it makes sense to tell him he *shouldn't* be jealous, or that he has no reason to be jealous, because that's not true. Of course he should be jealous, because he is jealous, and of course he has a reason to be jealous, even if it's one you don't think is valid.

Ugh, you're right. I told him he has no reason to be jealous, what a bummer.

and that you are totally committed to being his LLTMBR partner, if indeed you are.

YES I am, absolutely. I told him so. I said that I want to be with HIM and nobody else. And that I love him and that the presence of my best friend doesn't change anything about us.

He's jealous because we're in a long-distance relationship, and now my (male) best friend T has come to visit me. He's staying at my place for a week or two.

Yesterday I could feel that there was something wrong with K. He was just behaving normal but something wasn't ok. He was emotionally withdrawing and shutting down, very far away from me. I also had a gut feeling that he was jealous about T. I asked if everything's fine, he said yes, so I got doubts about my feeling, trusted him to tell the truth and behaved just like usually.

Today he behaved strangely, didn't call, but sent a hurt text message as if I had failed to call him (which wasn't the case), and repeatedly did not pick up the phone when I called, which is very unusual. I wasn't able to "reach" him emotionally at all (I can feel how some people feel at a distance even without physical contact, but today he was "away"). In the evening he sent a text message saying that he's having a very crappy gut feeling and doesn't know why but needs to sort his thoughts before talking to me again. I asked if it was because of T's presence here, and he just answered "bingo."

Well I wrote back that I want to be with HIM and nobody else, that T's presence here doesn't change anything about us, that I love him and that I'm sorry he's feeling crappy, that he has no reason for being jealous, that I'm ok with him going on distance of course, that if he wants to talk about it, I'm here for him, and otherwise too and a few more things that I don't remember.

I don't know how to deal with such a situation. There is NOTHING romantic or sexual between T and me. He's just my friend, has been my best friend for years, I make no difference between male and female friends. I told K so and I don't know what I could do more about it. Feeling kinda lost

In fact, to be really honest I don't feel like talking about it and understanding where he's coming from and all this. He can get very emotional at times and I'm afraid to say something wrong that would make it even worse. I'm also afraid he might think I don't care about his feelings (*). I do care, but I don't want to get into such a heart-pain-drama, you know?



Edit: (*): because everyting's fine for me, him going on distance, or not, being jealous, or not... and because I won't change anything anyway.

[Angela]

Yeah, that's what I mean about generosity. Jealousy is much more heart-pain-drama for the jealous person than it is for his partner.

What if you go straight to the horse's mouth -- "Look, K, what would it take to reassure you? I'm committed to having T here for the 2 weeks and I am a person of my word, so sending him away is not an option; what else could I do to help you feel good and secure?"

I'm always in favor of asking.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

What if you go straight to the horse's mouth -- "Look, K, what would it take to reassure you? I'm committed to having T here for the 2 weeks and I am a person of my word, so sending him away is not an option; what else could I do to help you feel good and secure?"

I'm always in favor of asking.

What a great idea!! Excellent. Why didn't I think of it? Thank you so much Angela.

Of course sending T away is not an option. He's my friend, he's always welcome at my place. Plus I haven't seen him in half a year, I'm so happy to spend some time with him. And yes, I hug him, and I'll hug him in front of K too. There's nothing bad about that, I'm cuddly with my friends. That's irrevocable.

Usually I run away from jealous guys as fast as I can... but I'm committed to spend this life with K no matter what, that's irrevocable too

I'll tell him the latter in a more poetic way and ask him what would help him feel loved and secure. Thanks Angela!

[Angela]

You're welcome. Yay!

[Rose of Cairo]

I wrote him what we said, he replied that it has nothing to do with T although T is a part of it of course. (What a logic.)

Then we talked on the phone. He said he believes that a man and a woman cannot really be best friends, and that the man is only best friend if he wants more and doesn't get it.

He also said that he would like to be with me now, and that T has what he doesn't have, and that annoys him because he wants to have me, not someone else.

He didn't put any blame on me, he said it's his problem and he will handle it alone. However, he was being emotionally very hard and closed off, like "I'm strong, I'll manage". Nothing wrong with being strong, but this being strong was directed against me in some way. He was distrustful and defensive but doing as if everything was fine. I even felt some resentment on his side, and a big distance. I tried to create closeness but failed.

At some point I asked him if he has some female friends, he said yes. I asked him if he wants to get into their pants, he said of course not, he's not in the slightest interested in them as sexual beings. So I asked why with me and T it's different and he said his lunch break is over and he has to go.

I'm feeling sad, I don't know why.

I don't mind him having a different opinion than mine about men-women interactions, but I do feel uncomfortable with him wanting to "have" me and seeing all guys as rivals, and going all defensive towards me. I don't know, I'm being confused. My alarm bells are ringing like crazy and my head says "Run! Run!"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Rose. Big hug. I'm going to hang out in your thread and learn something. I'm pretty jealous myself and I can tell you that it makes you kind of crazy -- I mean logic going out the window and feelings that just make no sense and have no basis in reality (or maybe the tiniest things turn large in your head).

It's really exhausting and painful to be jealous. It's no wonder that you are feeling sad. Jealousy is like an emotional polutant. I send you lots of love and I will send some to K too, hoping that he will be able to be at peace.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

He didn't put any blame on me, he said it's his problem and he will handle it alone. However, he was being emotionally very hard and closed off, like "I'm strong, I'll manage". Nothing wrong with being strong, but this being strong was directed against me in some way. He was distrustful and defensive but doing as if everything was fine. I even felt some resentment on his side, and a big distance. I tried to create closeness but failed.

I get the same way when I feel "left out", (It's part of my feeling of worthlessness), the only way I know how to get over that feeling of being left out is to create a wall between me and the person who I want to be with. If I can distance myself emotionally from that person, than I can be Strong, and not Hurt. It's not good, it causes pain and harm to the other person, in your case, you. Have you let K now that his actions are causing you pain? Perhaps if he could see the effect his actions are having on you, he would be open to trying to resolve them in another way. Good luck and lots of love,

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hey, Rose. Big hug. I'm going to hang out in your thread and learn something. I'm pretty jealous myself and I can tell you that it makes you kind of crazy

Hey Aspiring, thanks, you're adorable I value your input very much.

He just answered my email, writing that since T is here, I call and write much less. Hmm, I don't have a feeling that I communicate less with him though, and I for sure think of him just like always. I think he's just more sensitive to all signs of neglect now.

What I noticed however is that HE calls and writes less. He also suddenly expects me to call and write much more. Usually I'm flexible with my time so I can take a break and talk with him on the phone at any time, whereas he's quite busy and cannot talk or even have his phone on all the time. So usually he used to call me when he had some time. On the other hand, I write daily emails to him and he almost never answers because he has no easy internet access. We didn't think much about who calls and who writes when and how much... Or at least I didn't. He used to just call me whenever he felt like doing it, and I used to just write to him whenever I felt like doing it. But now suddenly this spontaneity is gone. He's observing how much I write and complained that my emails get too short. ( ) He also suddenly expects me to call, without having told me so. I didn't realize that at the beginning, so I did as always and just waited for his call... only to get a hurt text message that I didn't call.

I don't know how to reassure him, I have a feeling that whatever I do, it's wrong, or not enough

[Angela]

Sounds to me like although he had a time answering your question ("how can I reassure you?") directly, he's sure as shootin' telling you now what it would take. Can you hear him?

Generosity, baby. Now's the time, if you're up to it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I think he's just more sensitive to all signs of neglect now.

Yes, once that thought gets into your head that something is amiss, you start to look for things to back it up. At least that's the way it goes for me.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

He's observing how much I write and complained that my emails get too short. ( ) He also suddenly expects me to call, without having told me so. I didn't realize that at the beginning, so I did as always and just waited for his call... only to get a hurt text message that I didn't call.

This is related to what I said above. He's judging everything and trying to figure it out. He's trying to figure out the patterns and what has changed and what that means. He needs reassurance, but since he's already got all of this on his mind, he probably won't even really hear or feel reassured by what you tell him -- that it's nothing different, how things weren't so regimented before, etc. IF he's like me.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I don't know how to reassure him, I have a feeling that whatever I do, it's wrong, or not enough

Yeah, this is the really crappy part. And worst, he probably doesn't know either. I am sorry to be such a downer, I am just realizing what a nasty thing jealousy really is. I can tell you that were I in his place, it probably would be so hard for me that I would have run already. If I think of my bf being long distance and having a girl stay at his home, who he is affectionate with, I'd not be able to deal really. It's sad and crazy, but true. I can't even deal with him going outside to make a phone call because I feel like he's trying to hide something from me. How am I going to inform, advise and empower women if I can't even beat this?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Sounds to me like although he had a time answering your question ("how can I reassure you?") directly, he's sure as shootin' telling you now what it would take. Can you hear him?

Generosity, baby. Now's the time, if you're up to it.

I think I missed it. What would it take? I totally didn't hear him!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I think I missed it. What would it take? I totally didn't hear him!

He just answered my email, writing that since T is here, I call and write much less.

Hello? Hellooooooooooo?

Hmm, I don't have a feeling that I communicate less with him though, and I for sure think of him just like always. I think he's just more sensitive to all signs of neglect now.

You are probably totally right, it's all true. It's his responsibility to care for himself and his needs. And. So what? Your lover is vulnerable right now, and it's in your power to help him. You don't have to, and I'm not even saying you *should*. You get to choose -- you get to see what you're capable of and willing to do in an LLTMBR. You get to expand, or not. Funnily enough, this whole opportunity is set up (by you) for YOUR benefit, Rose, for YOUR expansion into being infinite joy and power.

Remember you were asking out of all the myriad possibilities to make a difference in the world and to grow, which should you choose? Here's the Universe telling you: you might want to think about starting at home.

And as for you who is on the other side of jealousy (this means you, AtC) -- don't go making that mean D *should* be or do anything to help YOU. Your wellbeing is still 100% your responsibility, just like K's is K's. You've got your own opportunity for expansion. Stay in your business, please!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hello? Hellooooooooooo?

Yeah, this is probably indicative of why I have issues .

Originally Posted by Angela

And as for you who is on the other side of jealousy (this means you, AtC) -- don't go making that mean D *should* be or do anything to help YOU. Your wellbeing is still 100% your responsibility, just like K's is K's. You've got your own opportunity for expansion. Stay in your business, please!

But it's so much easier not to deal with my own issues when I hang out in other people's business *whine*

I really get that, but seeing as how I keep hitting this wall...and I see so much of myself in what Rose is saying about K, it's difficult to know what would help my well-being right now. I'm at a loss. I know for sure it's not his job to do anything for me, but "shoulds" come out so naturally and feel so justfied sometimes. What a pain in the ass!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Rose, sorry for crashing your thread. I can leave out the same door I came in if it will help you not to have this all jumbled together.

I apologize for making it about me.

[Rose of Cairo]

I totally get it. I'd like to but he won't let me. I just called him, he said he has no time.

Yes, let's start at home, no...

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hey, Rose, sorry for crashing your thread. I can leave out the same door I came in if it will help you not to have this all jumbled together.

I apologize for making it about me.

No no no no not at all I'm happy you're here and I'm happy to talk about you. Please stay. I'm sure I can learn to understand him a lot if I listen to you, and you can learn something too, maybe? So it's beneficial for everybody.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

No no no no not at all I'm happy you're here and I'm happy to talk about you. Please stay. I'm sure I can learn to understand him a lot if I listen to you, and you can learn something too, maybe? So it's beneficial for everybody.

I hope so. I'm pretty desperate about just this one issue.

I've just sent him a text since we were having a fight last night, but he hasn't responded yet (sometimes he can and sometimes not at work, but when he doesn't it always seems to mean something to me, even though I know that).

[Angela]

I think he's letting you, alright. I think he's just letting you woo him, and part of that, for him, is resisting. It may not be totally mature or enlightened, but who said we're totally mature or enlightened? Especially when it comes to jealousy. It's a marvelous emotion that I really admire, because just when you think you're doing okay, jealousy comes along and flattens you so you can have the fun of expanding some more.

Personally, I think the whole episode is a really perfect creation of yours in your commitments to inspiring new possibility. You are not one who lets herself off easy, my warrior friend!

[Rose of Cairo]

He's also seeing correlations where there are none. Like, I decided to go back to a little bit of cooked foods because I'm uncomfortable with losing weight so fast. I decided to do it now because I'm at exactly three months raw and 10kg weight loss, so it's a good time to take a break in my eyes.

What he sees is that I go back to cooked foods when T is here (thus, because T is here). That's so completely unrelated! But there was no way I could convince him.

Sorry for venting... I feel treated unfairly.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I feel treated unfairly.

It is unfair, but jealousy is not the most rational of emotions. At all.

It's kind of like the difference between correlation and causation in science and just as easy for most people (especially those prone to jealousy and already in that state) to confuse.

[Angela]

Aspiring, just like Rose asked K what it would it would take for him to feel good, and then had the opportunity to really generously listen for an answer that might not be immediately apparent, you have that opportunity, too.

What if you were to ask yourself, as if you were your lover, what it would take for you to feel safe? Then practice letting go of what you already know you know, and listen to what you say like a lover would listen. Listen gently and with love, listen for the quiet gulpy truth that your lover is trying to hide because she is believing she is nothing. Listen and let go of being upset or threatened or desperate; listen with your whole loving self, and see what you really have to say.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I hope so. I'm pretty desperate about just this one issue.

That's perfect dear So we both have a great opportunity to grow now.

(sometimes he can and sometimes not at work, but when he doesn't it always seems to mean something to me, even though I know that).

Ah! ok, so it means something when I don't answer his text message immediately because I'm under the shower?

Originally Posted by Angela

Personally, I think the whole episode is a really perfect creation of yours in your commitments to inspiring new possibility. You are not one who lets herself off easy, my warrior friend!

I feel like in a steeplechase. As soon as I've worked through some issue, the next one shows up.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Sorry for venting... I feel treated unfairly.

Yeah, I think that's a reactive hot button for all three of us.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

. As soon as I've worked through some issue, the next one shows up.

I know! You are so brilliant and unstoppable! Sometimes it takes my breath away how bold you are.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

I know! You are so brilliant and unstoppable! Sometimes it takes my breath away how bold you are.

No need for that, I don't do it intentionally. It's more that I have such a talent for landing in crap without knowing how.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

No need for that, I don't do it intentionally.

Well, there are conscious intentions and then there are unconscious ones. And I think a driving force in your life is to boldly learn and grow; that doesn't happen by taking lots of psychic vacations all the time.