being comfortable in your own skin

[Jrose]

I am 32 and I still am not comfortable in my own skin. I have a daily battle with my mind over the way I feel that I am and the way the world sees me.

I live two lives. One that my family and co-workers see and one that only my friends and partner sees. Im gay and I hide inside myself only tell those who are gay that I am too. I haven't had the courage or comfort to tell my family that I am living with my partner. I just keep to myself and avoid all family functions. I don't include my partner in my extended family for fear of rejection and being mad a mockery of. I'm basically scared that they will hate me and avoid them. My girlfriend is a wonderful human being that anyone would be proud to date. I feel like I'm short changing both our lives by hiding our love.

I just don't know how to look my mom in the eyes and tell her without falling apart. It's killing me inside and causing major depression.
Any suggestions??

[Alexjstrandberg]

"I have a daily battle with my mind over the way I feel that I am and the way the world sees me."

Thats the problem right there, being in your head. Your mind will never stop being doubtful, insecure and imagining how other people so there is no use in fighting your mind. When you fight or argue with your mind you always lose because the mind wants this. You can never convince it to act differently than it is designed to do.

It's a dualistic machine that even if you tell yourself nice things it will almost automatically tell you the opposite.

On top of that you are living in fear of what other people think of you. You aren't choosing love but fear. You are uncomfortable in your skin, not as confident etc because you are listening to your mind and identifying with your fears. The only way out of your mind and to stop caring what other people think of you and finally become comfortable is by not identifying with the mind and pushing past your fears.

Fears are based in illusions and the mind loves this. Being fearful limits you and puts boundaries over you. The mind/ego loves this control it has over you. Every time that you push past a fear and your heart rate calms down you always go "wow, that wasn't that bad"-it almost never is.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Jrose

I just don't know how to look my mom in the eyes and tell her without falling apart. It's killing me inside and causing major depression.
Any suggestions??

Because you judge yourself for who you are and fear losing your mom. You fear her judgements because you still judge yourself. If you don't tell her or other people you will never be free.

I suggest watching this:

YouTube - Valerie's Letter

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jrose

I feel like I'm short changing both our lives by hiding our love.

Yes, you're paying a really high price, and charging your girlfriend an incredibly high price, by your reluctance to align with truth, aren't you?

What's the worst thing that could happen if you behaved with integrity in this matter? You would fall apart? Your mom would be upset? You would be mocked or rejected?

All of these transitory things, is avoiding them worth permanently foregoing love, joy and freedom in your life? Choose.

[Jrose]

All of these transitory things, is avoiding them worth permanently foregoing love, joy and freedom in your life? Choose.[/QUOTE]

If only it was that easy, I would have done it 7 years ago. I really do appreciate the replies and I did watch the youtube link.

I get couragous and think that I'm ready and then I get nervous and basically "chicken out" (for lack of better words).

My whole life I grew up in a house where I felt like I don't belong and was constantly tormented by an older brother who like to point out my inperfections on a daily basis. I guess by actually telling them that I am indeed different is a feeling of losing to them. That they win something and they were right. I know that by not being honest with them, I'm only running from the inevitable...my tank is running out of fuel!! This running is getting old and I'm out of excuses for when they question me.

This is one struggle that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[Angela]

If only it was that easy, I would have done it 7 years ago...
This is one struggle that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Well, it may not be easy, but it's simple -- as simple as choosing.

That you haven't yet chosen doesn't mean you must struggle, and that you must treat yourself worse than you would treat your worst enemy. And it doesn't mean you must choose, either. It doesn't mean anything, really, except what you are making it mean.

Just like everybody, you're afraid of the consequences of making a choice, so you avoid choosing (which is itself a choice!) and the consequences of that are at least as uncomfortable as what you would endure if you were to either be boldly honest or remain in the closet as a choice. Where you are is in a state of resistance, so your discomfort clings to you like a cat you're allergic to. What might be possible if you were to surrender? To accept without judgement the truth of the situation, who you are, what you're doing, the impact you're having on yourself and others? What next right action might arise?

You know, you ARE different from your brother, who tormented you all your life. Not because of your sexual orientation, but because you are committed to being love, freedom, and support, even though it may be difficult. Accepting that difference would be a loss? Ich don't theenk so. Acknowledging that you are up to love, freedom, and support, rather than pain and destruction -- that would be a triumph, wouldn't it?