What to talk about with a person you've just met?

[Playlife]

I'm feeling lonely. Well, no wonder, I can't recall the last time I had a conversation with a person offline that wasn't some family member. OK, I did have one last month.

But I was wondering just yesterday, because I was thinking of ways to meet new and interesting people, that what the heck do I have to talk about with them anyway? I don't have any topics in my head, and I can't talk about myself either as I'm quite literally a no-one. I know that it'd be better to be more interested in the other person, but I have this feeling that my conversation partner would also like to know about me, otherwise s/he could be talking to a wall as well.

As I will most probably be the initiating side, then I should have some reason why I'm interested. But most likely I won't, it'd be more a feeling thing, not some little detail that catches the interest. Although could be either way, or some third way.

Person: so, what is so interesting in me then?
Me: I have no idea. You just feel kinda interesting.

Maybe I should then reveal more of myself, as that would probably tell a bit about why I find that person interesting. But there's nothing to talk about me.

As I'm thinking of moving to a different city too, maybe I could look for people who already live there, who could perhaps show me around a little bit. Should be a good enough excuse, heh.

[Brutha]

First I'm myself, not very good at starting conversations but I think I have still some worthwhile ideas to share:

I don't have any topics in my head, and I can't talk about myself either as [bI'm quite literally a no-one[/b]. I know that it'd be better to be more interested in the other person,

Maybe you should also be more interested in yourself?
If you don't find yourself interesting why should someone else?
If you can't even find yourself interesting how can you find other people interesting?

I know that it'd be better to be more interested in the other person, but I have this feeling that my conversation partner would also like to know about me, otherwise s/he could be talking to a wall as well.

According to Sartre there is something called Being for other, you need other people to exist as a person.
People exist in the mind of others.
You can only really feel successful or intelligent by being judged that way by other people.
You can think that you are intelligent and the world doesn't understand your intelligence, but it isn't the same feeling as knowing that others see you that way.
Humans evolved to strive under social idea exchange.
I once read (I don't know whether it's accurate) that people who win Nobel Prizes live on average five years longer than their peer who don't.
Judgement by other people means something to people and is needed to be mentally healthy.
It's of great value to people to judge them as the person they aspire to be.

That lack is probably also the reason why you judge yourself as uninteresting, because you lack that feedback of what other find interesting in yourself.

[Jarrod]

Think less, be more

Clearly you are interested in how to meet and maintain a connection with other people. I'm sure plenty of other people are interested in that to. But that is not the point. You won't know how a conversation will go until you begin it.

Pay attention to yourself, the world around you and just happily be yourself.

There are questions and answers to ask and not to ask, you know some and don't know others. It is doesn't matter which you know and don't know. Fear will stop you from acting appropriately if you don't see it appear.

[Jim11]

are you talking about something like online dating sites, or just meeting new people when you're moving?

You can't have a set lineup of what you're going to say to make someone interested in you. You need to just be natural, ask them questions, and work off of what they say...

Start with very basic things.
how are you?
are you from this area?
oh, I just moved here a couple weeks ago. seems like a nice spot. do they have ___ in the area? etc etc

just talk and show interest. You will eventually find people that are looking to meet new people as well....

if you move somewhere new, start doing some activities. eg: I like tennis, moved to a new spot - found several partners on kijiji. met other people from that, etc

Just put yourself out there more.
More interaction, more effort for natural conversation.... gives you more practice, more opportunities. It's all you can do.

Just avoid sitting on your computer and saying "I don't really like doing that", "these people probably aren't interested in conversing", and things along those lines.

[BettyBoo]

You can talk about general things: like what is there worth to see in a new city, what are the people like, how is the weather, are there interesting things that happened in a city etc...
and than you can talk about the person, ask him/her about their work, or things they like to do in their free time.. Just be honestly interested in them, and they will be interested in you. People are usually searching for a good listener, not someone who asks a question without really wanting to know the answer.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Playlife

I can't talk about myself either as I'm quite literally a no-one. I know that it'd be better to be more interested in the other person, but I have this feeling that my conversation partner would also like to know about me, otherwise s/he could be talking to a wall as well.

I remember when I was about 19, before I went to college, I met someone who seemed sooo interesting. He was a young tv director, he was confident, natural and together, and just seemed like his life was so full. while I felt so - uninteresting that I had nothing to say to him.
I remember after our "date" I felt so small and boring, but I decided that if I want to be with someone that interesting I have to become one.

The very next day I signed up for a drama course, a photography course, bought some canvases and started painting every day.

Within a few months I had a body of work. I sat in my favorite bar one day and showed the manager my oil paintings and told him I wanted to exhibit them there, and I did.
Shortly after my work was up, I met in this bar a very attractive, very interesting young man. he said to me, so what do you do? and I said well, these paintings on the wall are mine. that immediately impressed him and there started a wonderful love story that lasted several years.
I know that if I met this amazing guy before I had worked so hard on making myself into someone I was proud to be, I wouldnt have caught his attention as I did.

So- my feeling for you is that before you start dating, become someone you would love to meet, instead of feeling like the "no-one" you describe yourself as.
A person is either interesting or they are not, its not something you can change by just thinking about it (or moving to another city)

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by danas

I remember when I was about 19, before I went to college, I met someone who seemed sooo interesting. He was a young tv director, he was confident, natural and together, and just seemed like his life was so full. while I felt so - uninteresting that I had nothing to say to him.
I remember after our "date" I felt so small and boring, but I decided that if I want to be with someone that interesting I have to become one.

The very next day I signed up for a drama course, a photography course, bought some canvases and started painting every day.

Within a few months I had a body of work. I sat in my favorite bar one day and showed the manager my oil paintings and told him I wanted to exhibit them there, and I did.
Shortly after my work was up, I met in this bar a very attractive, very interesting young man. he said to me, so what do you do? and I said well, these paintings on the wall are mine. that immediately impressed him and there started a wonderful love story that lasted several years.
I know that if I met this amazing guy before I had worked so hard on making myself into someone I was proud to be, I wouldnt have caught his attention as I did.

So- my feeling for you is that before you start dating, become someone you would love to meet, instead of feeling like the "no-one" you describe yourself as.
A person is either interesting or they are not, its not something you can change by just thinking about it (or moving to another city)

That's an awesome story. What a great idea. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Waltz]

Originally Posted by danas

A person is either interesting or they are not, its not something you can change by just thinking about it (or moving to another city)

That really struck a chord with me, although i am a firm believer that:
"you can make more friends by becoming interested in other people than you can trying to make them interested in you." (cant remember who said that) it really is a balance. So i say, go out and become interested in learning new things, experience what the world has to offer and not only will you feel that you are making more of your life, but you will have more to talk about. It seems very obvious but sometimes we need reminding, i know i do .

[Brutha]

"you can make more friends by becoming interested in other people than you can trying to make them interested in you." (cant remember who said that)

Dale Carnegie.

[niche]

Hi playlife,

We seem to share a common problem in meeting people out in the real world. I myself though seem to be able to talk about myself, just nothing that interests other people comes out of my mouth. But if I really, really want to talk to someone, I just talk about them and it usually leads me somewhere. People are a lot easier to talk to if they know you're truly interested in the things that make them who they are.

[AndreiR]

Try to make her laugh and have fun. Don't ever get into serious issues -- love is supposed to be playful.
Here's another idea. Join Toastmasters and learn how to speak to an audience. Insist on improv and humor.
And another one -- let her talk too! And by the way, I don't ever recall being asked WHY I was interested in someone, so you're just imagining things.

You need what I call "calibration" -- you need to just go talk to girls, about whatever you want, and get a feel of how they're answering to you. You'll grow more confident this way, and you'll soon know better what to say and what to keep to yourself. You'll also be more relaxed, and you'll improve your body language.

[mercuryrising]

You might check out this site, Playlife. It's about how to talk to women, but the process they teach applies to socializing in general.

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by Playlife

what the heck do I have to talk about with them anyway? I don't have any topics in my head, and I can't talk about myself either as I'm quite literally a no-one.

If you don't think you are interesting enough to be someone's friend, than no body else will think you are interesting either. First you should work on liking who you are, and finding that there really is a lot about you that is interesting and fun and cool. You can't live in this world without having experiences everyday that make you interesting.

[Swannie]

You are an interesting person.

There are lots of interesting things in your past, present and future. Working backwards, where would you like to go on holiday and why? Where to live? What job to do? What people would you like to meet? The present, starting easy - the weather :-) it affects your moods, etc. The surroundings, the town you live in, the events going on, the other people in the room. The past, you went to school, you had parents, you presumably went on some holidays. You've read some books? Seen some films? Eaten some amazing food?

Hopefully you'll realise you are an interesting person. You don't need to prove it to me. Infact I'll have more fun finding that out, rather than you offering it all up like a verbal resumé.

Have fun finding out about the other person. Start in the present, and move freely to the future and past.

[Playlife]

Thanks, Swannie, it's easy to me to forget that I'm an interesting person too. Yes, all those things we probably could talk about. I'm not sure how much I have done or how much has happened to me; thus far I've lived a pretty secluded life, not doing much at all. But ok, maybe I have a few half interesting ideas about stuff.

But I'm wondering, does that other person find me interesting still? I have the feeling that I have to have some super hyper quality to make me an interesting person. Why would anyone feel like "digging" in me? Hmm, a limiting belief somewhere around here?

Also, I imagine that person already knows lots of other people and has lots of friends. So why me amongst them?

Nah, guess it's just better not to think(worry) so much.

[Swannie]

Originally Posted by Playlife

But I'm wondering, does that other person find me interesting still? I have the feeling that I have to have some super hyper quality to make me an interesting person.

Damnit. Busted.

You need to be human.

Originally Posted by Playlife

Why would anyone feel like "digging" in me? Hmm, a limiting belief somewhere around here?

Also, I imagine that person already knows lots of other people and has lots of friends. So why me amongst them?

It is a limiting belief. I used to have it. I started doing more stuff, and it made things easier to talk about, sure. Learning to tell stories is something I've got an intention to do, and I believe it is slowly working.

Sure, I know lots and lots of people. A few of whom I am lucky enough to call my friends. A smaller number are my "inner circle". I can talk to them about almost anything. There are only a few deep dark corners to my mind which I keep to myself and occasionally when moved, my journal. However, people move closer and further from me all the time. Naturally you will attract and reject different people, often people who are good for your development. I am pretty certain that within my realm of friends, my future wife is not one of them :-) So I must keep meeting new people!

I'll use talking about my interests and activities to start conversations, but they'll often end up moving to something more people oriented, and less personal.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Playlife

I have the feeling that I have to have some super hyper quality to make me an interesting person.

Like what? Being able to do a sommersault backwards? Being able to understand Einstein's theory of relativity for real? Being able to speak seven languages and play the violin? Even if you could do any of that or all of it or any other thing, how would a conversation benefit from that unless your opposite is into the very same thing?

I'm not sure how much I have done or how much has happened to me; thus far I've lived a pretty secluded life, not doing much at all. But ok, maybe I have a few half interesting ideas about stuff.

I guess even if you were a famous movie star your everyday life would hold little amazing adventures beyond the realm of ordinary human experience, so most folks in getting to know you don't expect you to dazzle them with tales of the unknown.

Honestly I've never so far come across a person I didn't find interesting. Everyone is interesting. In getting to know each other you might find out you have more in common with one person and less with another, so one person feels alien to you and another seems totally on your wavelength, and you may have or haven't enough common ground to build a friendship or a relationship on, but no one's life and mind is so barren that there's nothing to talk about or to get to know. Like you said, that's just a limiting self-belief. Out with it!

Next time you meet someone, maybe just imagine being on a big family reunion where you meet total strangers (as one so often does), and yet on such reunions before you know it you do talk about your last OP, neighbours, past lives or whatever. If you can feel that common bond with strangers that you'd feel for family members you've never set eyes on, then conversation and getting to know each other will be much easier.

[Dannyboy1]

Tell them the pigeons told you to punish the naughty people.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

Tell them the pigeons told you to punish the naughty people.

That should do the trick nicely.

Honestly, since it had me laughing out loud, it might actually work in breaking the ice. As long as you don't give your opposite a reason to believe you're serious about it...