Very Religious Family/Culture - Advice Please

[August]

''I love my parents and siblings unconditionally (I have two younger sisters and one younger brother). However, I haven’t had a particularly close-knit relationship with any of them for many years. There was no major falling out or anything like that — it’s just that my personal values and lifestyle have moved so far from theirs that there isn’t enough basic compatibility to form a strong common bond anymore. ''



Understanding Family Relationship Problems


I relate strongly to this.

I come from a family of very religious dedicated Muslims that have ALL gone to university and completed ''respected'' degrees such as medicine. This is also expected of me.

I myself do not believe/resonate with Islam, (I would never dare tell them this)

..and I do not want to go university (if I do, there is only a select few degrees that are acceptable to them lol). I would like to follow my own path but I feel that I can't.

I am of adult age but I don't have the courage to stand up to my parents and go against tradition. They are loving people but I couldn't imagine what my family would do if I did go against them and followed my dreams... even gently suggesting other opinions/things that I would like to do with my life, they get extremly angry and animated

(btw I have read Steve's articles on courage)

I feel depressed and trapped

Any advice? Steve/ anyone?


Thank you.

[Jarrod]

I'm in a similar situation, except the family is very anti-spiritual (almost an opposite to yours ) sort of thing.

I'm slowly talking to them about more and more things.

There is one thing I will tell you though. You will always feel depressed and trapped until you align yourself with what you believe.

You have to start being yourself, even though it will be painful (painful in regards that the family will get upset and you have a concept that says that it is bad if they are upset at you).

Only you have enough information to decide how best to approach the issue but if you want to be happy with yourself you will have to eventually.

Good luck and much strength to you.

[Zwynd]

August,

My family experience is much different than yours however I too felt the feeling of hopelessness once before in my life due to living with a family who had very different beliefs from my own.

They were all cut-throats, thieves, murderers. The only half decent of the bunch were either murdered or 'converted.' I was thought of as the lesser being, a slave, if you will.

I did not want to live like them or serve them. Some were trapped in religion and others seemed to worship the god of revenge. They all had a very low energy focus and no desire for self-improvement. Trying to change or teach even one of them in a small way put a great drain upon me.

I left.

I literally moved out of the city and even across the other end of the continent to get away from them. I haven't contacted them, haven't looked back and don't ever regret it.

In just a few weeks my health improved drastically as did my self confidence and my energy. I was then able to spend more efficient time reflecting on my growth and discovering overlooked health issues as well as other concerns I had to put aside while trying to keep up with those people. I went from a very ill person who could barely get out of the bed due to extreme exhaustion/weakness to a person who has boundless energy and a desire for personal growth.

How I solved my problem may not be good advice in your case, however my post is to say that you are not the only person who has struggled with family before and there could be MANY options for you for growth in which you haven't considered.

My advice for you is this: Keep your eyes open and don't forget to stay true to what you believe in. In the end that is really all that you have.

[CroMagna]

August,

I relate to your situation completely. My family is liberal Christian, but I am an atheist and a Satanist. In ways that my family is liberal, I am conservative (i.e. economics, hard work, no affirmative action, etc) and in ways that they are conservative, I am liberal (sexual liberation, masturbation, bisexuality, religious freedom, etc). I have moved extremely far from the values of my family and culture (African). My family will not even be at my wedding, which hurts. Because they don't know my worldview, they essentially don't know the real me. So I understand where you're coming from.

Unless you are willing and able to leave home for good, my advice to you is to go to college and get the degree your family would admire (if they are agreeing to pay for college). It's one thing to follow your heart, but it's another to use your head. You have to incorporate both to achieve true wisdom. Having a college degree in a "worthy" field will give you something to fall back on. Then if you grow older and your personality changes or becomes more like your parents, you won't feel stuck in a situation you don't like (not having a bachelor's for example). College will also provide you with the amazing opportunity to live on your own without much responsibility, travel the world, meet like-minded or different people, and have your parents out of your hair. It will buy you time to save up so that you never have to return home, or only have to return briefly.

Forget Islam. But they don't have to know. I can imagine your family becoming animated and angry, because Muslims have a strong proclivity to react that way in those types of situations. So you can keep it to yourself. Anton LaVey, the founder of my religion, said in The Satanic Bible, "nothing is accomplished by flaunting your permissiveness." If you're secure in yourself, you won't feel the need to have everyone accept you.

I know you love your family, everyone feels obligated to do so. But what about your REAL family? Maybe there are alternate families you can find for emotional support. I have a Satanic family comprised of my boyfriend and a few close friends, plus the online stomping grounds. I also have a bisexual family comprised of friends and acquaintances. They would not change my dirty diapers, let me crash their car, or have me live with them for 20 years, but one thing's for sure, they know who I am, they know who my boyfriend is, they GET me, I GET them, and they would attend my wedding. So my life is greatly enriched knowing I have my birth family and also have other, better families.

[August]

Jarred: Thank you. Good advice, (especialy about the depressed until you align yourself with what you believe).

Zwynd: Thanks for sharing your story. It was brave of you to just leave. When I have better resources I will do so too, (I do want to keep in regular contact with the family though)

CroMagna: Congratulations! I hope the wedding goes well despite your family not attending. Thank you. Its comforting to hear similar stories. You're right about not implying any different views from them about religion, I've stopped doing that.
With the university degree- its a bit complicated. I started a university degree, (and I could not even motivate myself to do the work, take the exams or go to the lectures because its just not what I want to do at all- they don' know this) ...long story short we decided that I should switch the degree but even the degree that they agreed upon, I don't want to do. I don't want to go into too many details just incase someone I know reads this.

Thanks again everyone for replying. I appreciate it.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by August

''I love my parents and siblings unconditionally (I have two younger sisters and one younger brother). However, I haven’t had a particularly close-knit relationship with any of them for many years. There was no major falling out or anything like that — it’s just that my personal values and lifestyle have moved so far from theirs that there isn’t enough basic compatibility to form a strong common bond anymore. ''



Understanding Family Relationship Problems


I relate strongly to this.

I come from a family of very religious dedicated Muslims that have ALL gone to university and completed ''respected'' degrees such as medicine. This is also expected of me.

I myself do not believe/resonate with Islam, (I would never dare tell them this)

..and I do not want to go university (if I do, there is only a select few degrees that are acceptable to them lol). I would like to follow my own path but I feel that I can't.

I am of adult age but I don't have the courage to stand up to my parents and go against tradition. They are loving people but I couldn't imagine what my family would do if I did go against them and followed my dreams... even gently suggesting other opinions/things that I would like to do with my life, they get extremly angry and animated

(btw I have read Steve's articles on courage)

I feel depressed and trapped

Any advice? Steve/ anyone?


Thank you.

There is no advice that can help you when you are unwilling to face a fear (telling family what you want). People can tell you a story or give you advice to do this and it might make you feel good for a little while but the problem still isn't solved because you still don't have the courage to do what you want.

Your situation is no different than other people's situation's that feel like they have no choice in the matter. The circumstances might be different but they all involve a choice that you are either making or not making. Saying that you have no choice is just a victim rationalization of YOU CHOOSING to let your fears get the best of you. Yes you do have a choice, there is no gun involved. Even if there was a gun there is a choice-die for freedom or live as a slave?

The ramification's of your actions will be difficult but that's the only way you will be able to find happiness and be able to respect yourself. If you don't do it YOUR FAMILY is the one who is living your life and making you their little puppet.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by August

I myself do not believe/resonate with Islam, (I would never dare tell them this)

Your situation is practically right out of my book.

Truth (Chapter 1): Telll them anyway. Let them react however they wish. Does Islam teach people to hide the truth? Turning your back on truth is always a mistake.

..and I do not want to go university (if I do, there is only a select few degrees that are acceptable to them lol). I would like to follow my own path but I feel that I can't.

Authority (Chapter 5): Tell them this too. You're in command of your life. No one else has to like it. Your decisions are yours to make.

You're always free to follow your own path. It isn't necessary for your family to like it. When you follow your own path for a while, you'll have the chance to connect with plenty of people who are more compatible with you, and you'll be a lot happier too.

I feel depressed and trapped

Naturally. Those feelings are the result of turning your back on truth, love, and power. You've infected yourself with falsehood, disconnection, and cowardice. Turning back in the direction of truth, love, and power is the solution. It won't be easy, but it is correct.

Negative emotions = negative prediction. Your mind is predicting that your current actions will lead to a very undesirable outcome. You are heading in the direction of what you don't want. If you continue heading in that direction, the negative predictions will continue, as will the negative emotions.

If your family is going to oust you for being who you are, you might as well get it over with. If they can't respect your freedom to make your own choices now, then they're aligned with fear, not love, so your loyalty to them is misplaced. Your loyalty to your true self must be greater than this.

Courage (Chapter 6): If you follow the path with a heart, courage will always be required. Whatever you fear, you must face.

You already know all of this.

[August]

Alexjstrandberg, Thanks, I am going to talk to them. I have tried before but the conversation doesn't get too far because I find it hard to deal with their anger.

''Does Islam teach people to hide the truth?''
Muslims (that I know) believe that islam is the absolute and only truth. Turning your back on islam, is turning your back on the truth and you will get severly punished by God (or people);

Q.16:106
Any one who, after accepting faith in Allah, utters Unbelief,- except under compulsion, his heart remaining firm in Faith - but such as open their breast to Unbelief, on them is Wrath from Allah, and theirs will be a dreadful Penalty.

Whoso disbelieveth in Allah after his belief - save him who is forced thereto and whose heart is still content with the Faith - but whoso findeth ease in disbelief: On them is wrath from Allah. Theirs will be an awful doom.
USC-MSA Compendium of Muslim Texts

I am painting a bad picture about the religion, but there are some good aspects to it obviously.

My family do love me and want whats best for me, it just that they believe 100% that if I don't follow Islam I wil go to hell and that if I don't do well at uni I will suffer a great deal and it will be a HUGE shame and embarrassment on the family (there would also be a lot of talk and pressure on them from relatives/friends)

Anyway, looking forward to reading your book Steve!


I wont post in here again until I take action.

[Brutha]

How old are you?
I think the real problem is created when you aren't consistent. The younger you are the easier it is for your parent to agree that you are a crazy teenager that doesn't follow his parents.
If you on the other hand hide it from them, you will in a lot more trouble when they find out.

The fact that you hide things reduces the power that you have in interaction with your parents.

If you would tell them about it they would feel anxity about it and might want to hide it from your relatives.
Going halfway on the other hand and seeking a compromise on the other hand might be a lot more complicated.

That said, do you feel bodily harm from your parents or relatives in case that you would abandon Islam?

As Zwynd said, leaving the country might also be a good idea.

[Jamie]

Islam is about suppressing people then? Not allowing them to be free, to be who they are? That's how it seems to me..

[Lauxa]

Jamie, a lot of religions are the same in that once you join the club if you ever want to get out the support people still in the club are admonished to abandon you. Because you are obviously going to hell. Mormonism, Christianity, Scientology... a lot of religions have this bent.

August, I know how you feel, man. When I was a teenager I admitted something to my parents about how my values/lifestyle were diverging from theirs and they threatened to disinherit me and not allow me to visit them anymore unless I signed a contract that I would realign with their views. I signed, and I've been hiding my real self from them ever since. Here's hoping for a better resolution for you.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Your situation is practically right out of my book.

Truth (Chapter 1): Telll them anyway. Let them react however they wish. Does Islam teach people to hide the truth? Turning your back on truth is always a mistake.



Authority (Chapter 5): Tell them this too. You're in command of your life. No one else has to like it. Your decisions are yours to make.

You're always free to follow your own path. It isn't necessary for your family to like it. When you follow your own path for a while, you'll have the chance to connect with plenty of people who are more compatible with you, and you'll be a lot happier too.



Naturally. Those feelings are the result of turning your back on truth, love, and power. You've infected yourself with falsehood, disconnection, and cowardice. Turning back in the direction of truth, love, and power is the solution. It won't be easy, but it is correct.

Negative emotions = negative prediction. Your mind is predicting that your current actions will lead to a very undesirable outcome. You are heading in the direction of what you don't want. If you continue heading in that direction, the negative predictions will continue, as will the negative emotions.

If your family is going to oust you for being who you are, you might as well get it over with. If they can't respect your freedom to make your own choices now, then they're aligned with fear, not love, so your loyalty to them is misplaced. Your loyalty to your true self must be greater than this.

Courage (Chapter 6): If you follow the path with a heart, courage will always be required. Whatever you fear, you must face.

You already know all of this.

My girlfriend had a similar situation (not that extreme but close). Her family was very controlling and manipulative. For a long time she was their little puppet and punching bag. She eventually started to stand up to them and they kicked her out of the house. She hasn't been back for 8 months now. It was difficult in the beginning but has gained massive self confidence and strength from it.

My advice is to not argue with them about their views or trying to convince them what you are doing is ok. When you have fear it's difficult for people to hear a word you have to say, especially when it's a fear of being damned and spending an eternity in a burning hell.

Accepting them they way they are and understanding that people do what they think is best for them whether it's right or wrong is going to be difficult. We all carry around expectations of what a family should be and it causes a lot of frustration and pain.

If it goes badly, keep posting the situation to work through some of the issues.

Good luck

[freestate]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

August, I know how you feel, man. When I was a teenager I admitted something to my parents about how my values/lifestyle were diverging from theirs and they threatened to disinherit me and not allow me to visit them anymore unless I signed a contract that I would realign with their views. I signed, and I've been hiding my real self from them ever since. Here's hoping for a better resolution for you.

That doesn't have to be the final chapter of your story! You decide how it goes from here. What religion are your parents? Don't you realized you traded in your spiritual freedom for an illusion?

[August]

Edit: ok lol, I know what I need to do, I'm just pointlessly complaining/blabbering on (deleted what I just wrote)

[August]

Just an update..

I explained to them (not fully) how I feel regarding university. They were having none of it and were adamant that I do a degree. I couldn't assert myself at all.
Its weird because I try to explain to them and then I completely back down, I get very scared and I even feel embarressed for thinking that I could do what I want to... like its not even an option

I know I am being a complete coward by letting others control my life and that I will have to face this eventually.. but I find it SO hard to be courageous and assert myself... I know exactly what I need to do but I don't do it.. and I dont know why I cant make myself do it

So I'm not sure where to go from here.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

You CAN August, you can do whatever you choose to do.

Do it.

Art Williams - Do It

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by August

Just an update..

I explained to them (not fully) how I feel regarding university. They were having none of it and were adamant that I do a degree. I couldn't assert myself at all.
Its weird because I try to explain to them and then I completely back down, I get very scared and I even feel embarressed for thinking that I could do what I want to... like its not even an option

I know I am being a complete coward by letting others control my life and that I will have to face this eventually.. but I find it SO hard to be courageous and assert myself... I know exactly what I need to do but I don't do it.. and I dont know why I cant make myself do it

So I'm not sure where to go from here.

It's true that being courageous is hard. It's supposed to be hard because facing the challenge makes you stronger.

Ultimately you're the one who's responsible for this decision. It's a lot easier for your family to push you in a certain direction because you're the one who has to deal with the consequences. Since you have to deal with 100% responsbility for the outcome, this decision can only be yours to make and no one else's.

You have a simple choice to make. Do you want to be brave and stand up for yourself? Or do you want to take the cowardly path and suffer the consequences for years to come?

Your family doesn't have to like your decision. They don't have to agree with you. You don't have to argue with them, debate with them, or convince them of anything. The more you supplicate to them, the weaker you become. Despite what they say, your family will never respect you for demonstrating such weakness.

You're facing the classic wimp test of life. A wimp tries to please others instead of himself, but the end result is that he fails to please anyone. He loses the respect of others as well as his own self-respect. He proclaims to the world, "I'm a total loser." Happiness is never found on this path.

By making your own decisions instead of asking others for permission, you pass the wimp test and assert your own authority. You demonstrate you're in control of your own life, and others will actually come to respect you more for that. The same people who tried to control you will begin looking up to you.

The irony is that the more you bend over to try to win the approval of others, the less others approve of you.

Nobody respects those who are so easily derailed.

If I were in your shoes, I'd simply inform my parents of my decision. If they attempted to derail my choice or launch into an argument about it, I'd simply say, "Apparently you misunderstood. I wasn't asking your permission. I was simply informing you of my decision. If you have a problem with that, I really don't care to hear it right now because I have more important things to do." Then I'd leave.

If they started fuming about it and seemed to have a problem dealing with it, I'd send them links to articles on anger management and emotional awareness. I'd respond with the attitude that their reaction is entirely their problem and that they obviously need psychological help if they mistakenly believe it's their place in life to control me. If they persisted, I'd continue escalating by signing them up for psychology newsletters, calling to arrange counseling appointments for them (in front of them), putting ads for psychologists on their desks, etc.

Your life. Your choices. If people have a problem with that, sucks to be them.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by August

...even gently suggesting other opinions/things that I would like to do with my life, they get extremly angry and animated

...I feel depressed and trapped

This is an abusive relationship.

[eskimo]

August, I can empathize with you because I grew up under a similar sense of familial/cultural reponsibility. I'm the only child of a single, immigrant mother who brought me to the States from Korea when I was 5.

Growing up, my mother didn't really make a conscious effort to integrate into her new country and raise me to be a successful American. Had she known differently, I'm sure she would've made some different choices, but unwittingly she essentially raised and conditioned me to be disconnected with the rest of society and dependent and reliant on her.

Let me tell you, it took me a LOOOONG time before I even realized I could've lived my life differently, pursuing my own desires and interests based on the truth of my being instead of doing what I thought was the "appropriate" thing. Needless to say, it stunted my personal/spiritual development.

Well it wasn't until I got out from under her thumb that I found out who I really was and the man God had planned for me to be. But once I figured this out, my spiritual growth got on the fast-track (making up for lost time).

In the process, I learned it was my karmic lesson to figure out how to defend myself against my mother, keep myself from being controlled by her, stand up for what I believed in, and figure out how to lead the interaction - and essentially lead her now to realize a better life for herself.

However, she's very stubborn and VERY PROUD and I have no confidence that she'll ever figure it out and follow my lead but that's all right - it's her life to live, her destiny, and her responsibility now and not mine.

I can continue to try to lead her, be there to support her, but I'm not obligated to her. She must decide and take responsibility for how she wants to live the rest of her life. I'm just happy that I'm finally free and living my life based on the truth of who I am, pursuing the desires and interests of my own heart. And by doing this, I've learned and fulfilled my karmic lesson.

Hope this helps...

Best,

Steve

[August]

Thank you so much for your replies. My situation has improved a little because I've been able to act upon some of the advice given here.
The advice/stories/videos are very helpful and encouraging.

I told them again that I'm not going to university, (or maybe I said 'I don't want to,' can't remember) and I told them what I did want to do.

The reply was (not direct quote) ....Ok thats fine, we were thinking about it a lot and we were worried that the same thing as last time, (me not completing the course) would happen again.
Then we starting debating about what I wanted to do and they put a condition on it. I tried to avoid this and not, like Steve said 'supplicate them' but I ended up doing it anyway.

I was so shocked at their response, it was completely unexpected.
I expected a lot more resistance. For whatever reason it hasn't put me at ease.
It still feels like I am being allowed to do things rather than me making the decision... especially because of the conditions they put on me not going.

Another critical issue is that I depend on them financially (I feel very grateful and guilty that they support me in this way) so I still have to play by their rules.
If I didn't depend on them, I'd be more free to tell them how I felt and to do what I wanted.

I do see the benefit in being more truthful and courageous. I would like to be even more open with my family, (regarding my views on the religion, my career etc).

Eta: I've also sent them some articles, so I'll see how thats received.

[Jarrod]

Congrats on your progress, now you know improvement is always possible even if you can't see how things could possibly turn out well.

There is also freedom and liberty to consider. You are always free to choose who you are. But at a given time you may only have a certain set of liberties (courses of action) available.

Offcourse you can work to improve the available liberties over time.

[Steve Pavlina]

@August: That's a good step in the right direction. I'd get them to drop the conditions though, especially if they're attached to any kind of financial support; otherwise you're still in the role of a dependent child.

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by August

The reply was (not direct quote) ....Ok thats fine, we were thinking about it a lot and we were worried that the same thing as last time, (me not completing the course) would happen again.
Then we starting debating about what I wanted to do and they put a condition on it. I tried to avoid this and not, like Steve said 'supplicate them' but I ended up doing it anyway.

I was so shocked at their response, it was completely unexpected.
I expected a lot more resistance. For whatever reason it hasn't put me at ease.

They still have you.

Imagine walking an over excited dog. It (you) runs as fast as it can (desire for freedom), maybe even choking itself trying to run. The master (your parents) yank the leash (their rules) and the dog whimpers (guilt/fear), backing up beside the master.

In your case right now, your parents have slacked the leash and the collar is still around your neck. That collar is your obligation to stay with them because they are financially supporting you. It may be other things too and each one of them is like a spike pointing inwards on that collar.

It still feels like I am being allowed to do things rather than me making the decision... especially because of the conditions they put on me not going.

You are. Doesn't it feel like crap to know that they're 'agreeing' with you but are really just trying to trick you into a false sense of confidence and freedom? =/

Another critical issue is that I depend on them financially (I feel very grateful and guilty that they support me in this way) so I still have to play by their rules.
If I didn't depend on them, I'd be more free to tell them how I felt and to do what I wanted.

Imo, one should never accept a gift if it makes them feel guilty. It's not a gift then.

If money is the only big problem then you have your solution = find a way to be financially independent.

You can go on welfare, get loans, get a job, disability funds (if you're dis-abled) grants and so on. There are so MANY ways to make money.

Start reading and researching. Learn it all, get your own bank account if you don't have one already and start saving. DON'T TELL THEM that you have this account or they'll suddenly go broke and need money or demand rent from you (and keep you there longer.)

Even loving parents can get wacky and silly in trying to suffocate you with what they think is love but is really their need for safety/security/attention.

I do see the benefit in being more truthful and courageous. I would like to be even more open with my family, (regarding my views on the religion, my career etc).

Don't ever see yourself as back at square one. You made that step forward. You're still there. In the present.

Keep making steps. Know that what you say about your feelings is truthful and you will not go back on that.

Keep it up.

[mattpd]

Mate, I know what you mean.

My family are religious, extremely strict.

Quite simply, it is not me.

I spent years experiencing guilt, unhappiness, being told that I didn't have a unique purpose on this earth, hey I was even prevented from going to University and having a career, as well as no sex before marriage.

One day, I decided to make a decision to become my own person.

Still to this day my mother doesn't speak to me, its been over 4 or 5 years pretty much, because she simply does't agree with my lifestyle choices. It actually doesn't bother me at all, my life rocks, and I love every minute.

Being trapped in that damn religion was like jail, just worse. Because in jail you don't get to see all the stuff you are missing, whereas in that stupid religion you can look but you can't touch.

I don't blame my mother and don't have any anger, it sure has made me an amazingly strong person, and has made me value my life, even if I did go pretty wild for a few years when I got let out of my cage.

But I say that cutting my family and friends and starting again was tough, but man, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Life when you are your own person is amazing!!!

[ns123]

You have two choices:

1. accept their financial help and live the life they want you to (in a cage)
2. become independent and do what you want

It doesn't look like to me you can have it both ways. I don't think you can change your parents. You can appeal to their love for you, explain things to them, and ask that they give you more freedom, but they don't have to grant you anything if they don't want to. No matter what you do, if they don't want to change they will not change.

So you have one of two options, choose one.

Or, there is option three, accept their financial help, resent them, and suffer in silence, which is what you're doing now.

[August]

I wanted to update this thread instead of making a new one trying to explain everything again.

I told my mum everything; regarding leaving the religion and the course that I want to drop out of (I ended up taking another, different course).

She was hysterically sad to the point where she was talking about dying; not wanting to live anymore. She was so distressed (sobbing, I ended up crying too) and she was trying hard to convince me to rethink what I was doing because it was going to destroy me, her and the family. Shes in a really bad way.

What can I do to help her (I've told her that I would send her a couple of articles like Steve suggested earlier and I've prayed for her). She says she is worried about her health (and I am too now), shes gone through a lot and now this is another huge, shocking thing that she has to deal with.

I feel bad and I'm scared of what will happen if I move ahead with what I want to do. I'm hesitant to do what I want now.

I know that she loves and cares about me so much and thats one of the reasons why she is so worried; she thinks that I am destroying my life and that I'm being influenced by the devil. No one in our extended family/community has ever left the religion and almost all have university degrees, so this is unheard of in our culture. I need advice please.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by August

I wanted to update this thread instead of making a new one trying to explain everything again.

I told my mum everything; regarding leaving the religion and the course that I want to drop out of (I ended up taking another, different course).

She was hysterically sad to the point where she was talking about dying; not wanting to live anymore. She was so distressed (sobbing, I ended up crying too) and she was trying hard to convince me to rethink what I was doing because it was going to destroy me, her and the family. Shes in a really bad way.

What can I do to help her (I've told her that I would send her a couple of articles like Steve suggested earlier and I've prayed for her). She says she is worried about her health (and I am too now), shes gone through a lot and now this is another huge, shocking thing that she has to deal with.

I feel bad and I'm scared of what will happen if I move ahead with what I want to do. I'm hesitant to do what I want now.

I know that she loves and cares about me so much and thats one of the reasons why she is so worried; she thinks that I am destroying my life and that I'm being influenced by the devil. No one in our extended family/community has ever left the religion and almost all have university degrees, so this is unheard of in our culture. I need advice please.

I'd don a pair of horns until she gets over herself. Ask Johnny Soporno (a forum member) about that.

Also, read chapter 5.

Congrats on mastering chapter 1.

[Plato]

This is inspiring stuff August.

I have some idea of what you're going through. My family situation is different. My parents are not religious, but when I dropped out of university my parents were hysterical for months. My mother cried most days, and didn't sleep for weeks. My dad shouted at me a lot and threatened to disown me and write me out of the will if I didn't return. He used guilt trip tactics as well ("Look at what you're doing to your mother" etc etc) and basically told me I had ruined his life.

However, they seem to have gotten over it now. It's taken 7 months and the sky still hasn't fallen it, much to their surprise.

I made it clear that they would either have to accept my decisions or lose their first born child. When they realised I was unshakeable in my resolve, that's when they came to terms with it.

I suspect your family will continue to be traumatized until they realise you mean it. When they do, it will get easier.

Best wishes.

Fraser

[August]

lol @ Steve, thank you.. I didn't expect that reply though, what about having compassion? but I understand where your coming from.

Plato: Thank you. Your story inspires me too. I am trying to stand my ground; I said to myself before I spoke to my mum that I was not going to defend or explain myself and I was able to do that to some extent but when she became so hysterical I felt really bad.

She blames herself; I was her responsibility and she didn't teach me properly and now she is going to 'teach me about Islam and why thousands of people convert to it everyday'.

The thing that I am wanting to do now is to start my own business, I have started the SBI! elearning course and I am also doing an intuitive course. I told her that I want to support myself and live on my own (this made her even more hysterical); she said that she would continue to support me financially and that I never needed to think or worry about money because she will give it to me; I just need to get my degree... but thats not what I want.

I want to help her deal with things without being so dramatic and hurt. I feel a little blocked when trying to carry on with the business because I'm worried and scared about/of her.

[WilliWibald]

Hi August,

that really is a hard situation. I guess you don't want to hurt your mother but at the same time you want to live your life and not just fullfill her expactations of you.

A way to stay strong on your path AND giving compassion to the feelings of other people is "non-violent communication" (NVC). It's a method to think and communicate, with the goal to get everybodies needs met. It has changed me and the way I respond in a way that makes me more happy about my decisions/executing power.
I think Steve also has the NVC book on his recommended reading list... it's from Marshall Rosenberg.

I would guess, that it could help your mother, if you were just mirroring to her, what you think she feels and what her needs are... like that:

Are you feeling sad because you want me to be happy and successfull and you can't see how this is going to happen with the choices I make in my life?

But of course there is more to it, then just saying it.

So, probably NVC can help you with this (or similar events). But don't forget to work on your power too (you don't need any-ones permission for anything - but of course the consequences are yours also - but that is the case if you execute your power or if you give it up).

May the force be with you. :-)