How to be a social butterfly/keep conversation going

[loveliketheflowers]

i'm a fairly quite person and i tend to at times just sit there and listen. but sometimes the conversation goes no where and there is just silence. i ask the person if everything is okay, and they say yes but i know it would be more interesting if i was talking more.

what are some good ice breakers or conversation openers when meeting a new person or getting to know someone. i'm tired of always asking about their life stories. maybe we could talk about something more intriguing and soulful and not so superficial and empty.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Well, I'm not great at this so take it w/ a grain of salt but I've learned to be more selfish in these situations. Meaning that I need to pay more attention to what interests me and to be less afraid to bring it up. I tend to be very attentive even when I don't really care and then I zone out. I dunno if your experiences are similar but hopefully it helps.

Just relax and talk about what you want to talk about but don't forget to include the other person... and by selfishness I mean pay attention to your interests, not to totally discount the other person entirely. Good luck and remember you're not the only person that struggles w/ this.

[LifeFirst]

How does most of your conversations go....can't really answer unless you give specifics.

[Fullcrum]

Be comfortable in the silence; it's about as soulful as you can get. Just feel really good in your body and sit with no thoughts at all.

I'm serious. Try this.

You won't be getting in your own way, trying to qualify yourself, or trying to get the other person's approval; instead it's just the presence and the beingness in each of you communicating.

And the right words will come to you. If you listen to other people's conversations with the idea that you are "learning and assimilating the best characteristics from everyone around you", you will build your own individuality with your own tastes and viewpoints, and the words will flow like a neverending water fall.

Think Niagara Falls. Yeah, those are your words .

[Anand Dhillon]

Good advice in this thread.

I would also add that to become more talkative, you basically need to think out loud. Remove the filter between the thoughts in your heads and what you allow yourself to say.

By speaking without filtering yourself, you'll be far more talkative and others will appreciate your words more because you are being authentic. Give it a try.

Also, building social skill is something that happens naturally through practice and experience. Just consistently put yourself in situations where you are currently uncomfortable and over time you will find yourself more at ease in those situations.

[Restrikted]

Really good advice so far. This topic is actually one of the things I've been working on recently. I would have to say that you keep conversations going by doing two things:
1. Listening
2. Finding similarities/differences between you and the other person.

First, just listen to what they have to say, and while they are talking look for things that you two have in common or have different views on. Trying to talk about something you know nothing about is really hard, you'll just end up asking questions the whole time and it'll turn into an interview. For example, say the person mentions they just came back from vacationing at the beach. Even if you've never went to the beach, tell them that (this goes back to the thinking out loud thing), explain why you never went, and maybe the places that you did go. Pretty lame example I know, but you get the jist.

[Kazeko]

Being a social butterfly is very simple. I used to be one. (Beleive me, it can be very unproductive and totally useless, as watching TV).

Many good advice is already given. My key answer is - don't overcomplicate things. Simplify!

It's all about capturing/releasing attention. If there is silence, uncomfortable for you, it means, it's your turn to capture attention. Play your character, as you were on theatre stage. It's your part of the play now. Do at least something. Anything.

With some practice, you'll get annoying

Now some particular details. You usually do all this, by asking questions. And if the person stays silent, it means you're asking wrong questions. Or (it happens more often) the person just doesn't want to talk to you by some inner reasons, and all you can do is to find another person to talk to.

[Jamie]

I also find it really help me, if I can find something of genuine interest in what the other person is saying; there's a lot you can learn from all people if you look hard enough and dig deep. Stuff you can learn and perhaps apply to your own life..

[mahreenferdous]

I've been in such situations before. The key to interesting conversation is to be interested! It's about asking questions and all yes but also using those to direct conversation to where you'd like it to go. If you don't have like where the conversation is going then just make a statement about something that you would like to talk about.

There are tons of books on this. My personal favourite is Leil Lowndres 'How to talk to anyone'.

[Hyperchiller]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Be comfortable in the silence; it's about as soulful as you can get. Just feel really good in your body and sit with no thoughts at all.

I'm serious. Try this.

You won't be getting in your own way, trying to qualify yourself, or trying to get the other person's approval; instead it's just the presence and the beingness in each of you communicating.

And the right words will come to you. If you listen to other people's conversations with the idea that you are "learning and assimilating the best characteristics from everyone around you", you will build your own individuality with your own tastes and viewpoints, and the words will flow like a neverending water fall.

Think Niagara Falls. Yeah, those are your words .

Cool I think this would work quite well. I will try this.

[mattpd]

A really good technique is called 'threading'.

If you practice this technique, you will never be short for conversation ever again, conversations will never die out.

A thread is 2 or 3 sentences, joined together.

For example, "I took a first date to a roof top bar in New York City last year. She totally freaked out".

The concept of threading is where one person says one thread, and the next person says another.

This seems simple right? Well, what many people who struggle socially do is feel an inclination to go into question mode. So when someone says a thread they begin to ask questions, like "what happened next?", or "did you see her again?' - and guys I often generally teach dating to can just keep asking question after question, and this causes the conversation to fizzle, lose momentum, and get boring. So asking too many questions is mistake no1. if you tape recordered most people with their good friends or family, they tend to thread, its just that when people get with new people they tend to go into question mode, or "detective mode" I call it.

Other common mistakes include trying too hard to be interesting or creative, or funny, which causes your mind to go blank. Guys do this with girls, and shy people tend to do it alot. They want to be cool, or interesting, and impressive, and they tend to say something dumb, or their mind goes blank and they sit there in silence.

Okay, the best way, is to do threading.

Threading is simply picking one topic out of the previous thread, and then using it in your own thread.

Out of that example I gave you above, there were many topics "first date", "roof top bar", "new york", freaked out", "last year".

Your own thread could be:

"I don't usually take girls on first dates like that, I prefer something more laid back and casual".

or

"I went to New York for the first time this year, it was amazing. The people, and the atmosphere, it was totally unique".

Notice it was short, punchy, relevant, and simple. And I just used what the first person said, and added my own stuff. No need to be all creative here, just focusing on what the other person was talking about, and using of their topics.

Master this, and you will have flowign conversations forever!

[ar81]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

i'm a fairly quite person and i tend to at times just sit there and listen. but sometimes the conversation goes no where and there is just silence. i ask the person if everything is okay, and they say yes but i know it would be more interesting if i was talking more.

what are some good ice breakers or conversation openers when meeting a new person or getting to know someone. i'm tired of always asking about their life stories. maybe we could talk about something more intriguing and soulful and not so superficial and empty.

When you feel tense, ice walls are built.
Lower your tension and lower other people's tension.
Be yourself. Your true being is normally a non tense person.
Learn about non verbal communication.

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by mattpd

So asking too many questions is mistake no1. if you tape recordered most people with their good friends or family, they tend to thread, its just that when people get with new people they tend to go into question mode, or "detective mode" I call it.

Lol "detective mode!" Awesome. I am glad you posted this because I normally think asking questions is the best way to keep a conversation flowing, and sometimes it's not, especially if the other person gives really short answers. It does become like an interview, a very lame one. I was actually making that mistake this morning with a guy I recently met. We were on a hike in the woods and we spent a lot of time lounging by this lake. I felt wierd because we were just sitting there, and he seemed bored so I went into panic mode *Red Alert! Start interesting conversation NOW or this guy is going to think you are really boring!* I kept thinking of questions to ask him to keep him talking, but the conversation seemed much more like an interview now that I think about it. I'll try threading more next time.

[Jamie]

Sometimes, it's about energy, how you feel, the vibe give out, and it's fine to say nothing, just enjoy being in the emptyness.

Something will come out of that space, naturally, of it's own accord, without you even trying. It's when you try, that's when it's unnatural and you block the flow.

So sometimes, I think better, to just say less, and to feel more, and let any conversation flow naturally from a place of stillness.