Communication
 

I've noticed that there is a large communication gap between me and my boyfriend. We never seem to understand each other which leads to lots of needless fights and disagreements. I mentioned this in my How do I... thread and it's true that I had something I wanted to communicate to him and he took it very differently from my intent and his feelings were hurt. It seems he can't see where I'm coming from and it's frustrating. And since some folks on here have also told me that I've misunderstood them as well as having family members tell me the same, I thought I ought to really look at how to fix the situation.

I may be reading my fears or what I think the other person means into my communication with them.

So how do I solve this? My first thought is to take more time after someone says something before responding, but it seems like when I do that the person thinks I'm ignoring them.

What are your best tips for communicating effectively and ensuring the other person understands you in such a way as not to hurt them or create confusion?

I'd say listen to understand. Here's what I mean by that. I used to listen and yet not really understand people. I still do that but I make a conscious effort to give them 100% of my attention when I am listening. Taking extra time before responding may or may not be a good solution. After all did you understand him? Or did you merely think about it more?

One thing I personally do to understand better is I do my best to not assume or project motivations onto another person. When in doubt I ask them and trust them for the most part. I know that I am misunderstood by my brother all the time and the reason is he projects himself onto me. Its ironic because I feel like I am a mirror reflecting back himself. I'm not entirely sure if I'm right but alot of the things I see reflected back make sense. I'm not judging him based on this mind you, just trying to gain insights into what makes him tick.

I'd recommend considering other people as mirrors. So the next time you think your boyfriend is doing XYZ think about why you think that. Is it actually that you would be doing XYZ if you were in his shoes in the same situation?

To sum it up I think that "when in doubt, just ask" is a good motto for understanding. Try repeating what they said in your own words and ask them if you understood them correctly.


I know this may sound ambiguous so feel free to ask questions.

First off, online communication is filled with mis-communication, due to lack of body language and eye contact or tone of voice. It's not you - it's the nature of the medium.

You could tell the person - "I heard what you said and I appreciate it. I'm going to take some time to think about my response. I'll get back to you in (whatever day or time)."

Yes, after it was all said and done, I understood why he felt badly about what I said. However, I still feel that what I was asking for was justified. So, now I am not sure how to solve the issue since if I get what I want he will feel hurt and if he gets what he wants I will still feel the same.

Ah, there is one problem I have. I think I am projecting, but also when I ask for a clarification, I still have disbelief to whether it's true. I always feel on guard for being lied to and I have a lot of trouble trusting what people say so that is something I will just have to decide to do and leave it at that. As far as my boyfriend goes, he feels like I am grilling him when I ask for more information, but I'm not sure how to solve that.

That's a good idea. Usually I think it's not so much that I would be doing XYZ in the situation, it's that I fear that he is doing/thinking XYZ. When it comes to other people it's the same. In these forums when I've been told I've misunderstood, it seems that it's about a topic that generates a lot of fear in me.

That's a good idea. As far as my boyfriend he seems frustrated when I do this, but I will explain to him that I want us to be able to communicate better and ask that he be patient when I want to clarify what he means. Hopefully that will work.

Yes, I think that is the issue online much of the time.

Good idea.

I would recommend reading the book "7 habits of highly effective people". In that book the author talks about win / win. You know what you want right? He knows what he wants. Is there a way you could both discuss it and find something that suits both of your needs? Keep in mind that this isn't possible if the other person isn't willing to discuss it with you. I've had this problem with my brother before where I know what I want, I know what he wants and they are at odds with each other. I attempt to find a win/win for us and he refuses to participate. Which, at that point becomes a win/lose situation with me as the winner.

Do you feel open to sharing some context about what it is that you want / need and what it is that he wants / needs that is conflicting?


When it ties into fear I personally find that when I fear I have the greatest ability to misunderstand or project.

You said that you feel on guard for being lied to and with trusting other people. Why is that? What fear is being touched by trusting others? Now I'm not talking about blind faith here. I'm not so sure that this is something you can just decide to do and leave it at that. I know from my own experience that when I have a problem there is usually something from my past that provokes it.

I'll give an example. Up until a year ago I was very very unconfident in myself. It would take me a great deal of practice to gain any semblance of confidence and if it was something new I'd have almost no confidence about it or myself. I discovered that the reason for this was I was hearing my dad in the past. Every time I did something I always heard "Good job, BUT". He didn't mean anything bad by it it was simply his way of trying to help me out to do a better job next time. But add that in with aspergers and I ended up viewing myself as a failure. Because I was always a failure (a lie here but one I accepted none the less) I never had confidence in what I was doing. Once I realized that and was able to pinpoint the trigger (my dad saying "Good job, BUT") I was able to gain a freedom from that and my confidence has soared ever since.



Oh and as far as the 7 habits book goes I'm not quite convinced that empathy is something that everyone can achieve. A deeper understanding, yes. Empathy... I believe that takes talent. So basically take out of the book what you can that works for you. If it doesn't work then don't worry about it. Everyone has their own talents which makes them unique. That leads to misunderstandings when we don't realize other people see things differently than we do.

This is a good idea. When we get past hurt feelings we are pretty good at using exactly this method. I will try to turn to it earlier rather than after a confrontation.

It is going to sound so ridiculous now! There is something we are currently splitting the cost of which he utilizes far more than I. I told him I felt it would be fairer for him to pay. That hurt his feelings, as he felt I was accusing him of using me. I did feel kind of used because I felt that it was obvious who was using the lion's share, you know? And now when I'm writing this I find that it does sound so trivial and I think that we just didn't really get our points across to each other in a kind way. I don't know. That was this morning and he's apologized for getting so angry, but we haven't been able to discuss it further yet.

I feel I will be betrayed if I fully trust someone with no reservations. I've known this and I've even dealt with what betrayal really is, whether it exists, but the fear persists and I know it has an effect on how I deal with others.

Thanks for sharing that. It makes a lot of sense.

This is certainly the case with us. We have very different points of view on some subjects. So now I want to figure out how we can come to an agreement we can both be happy with.

I have personally experienced and heard from others that the issues you can speak easily about with your best friends are impossible to discuss with your partner.

In a serious relationship when a discussion is required on a specific topic, I think the automatic assumption is made that the problem must be fixed right there. Sometimes before starting the discussion, put it out there that you're not looking for a solution, maybe you just need a sounding board, someone to talk to and express your feelings with and you're not expecting him to fix your problems or come up with an answer to the problem right there. Also tell him that just because your expressing your feelings doesn't indicate a failure on his part as well. I will speak honestly on my own behalf that I did that alot, I always assumed that the problem was my fault, had to fix it right there, got frustrated that I didn't have a solution that worked, took the discussion personally and felt that every point in the discussion hilighted a failure on my part.

It's easy to fall into that trap, maybe it's a guy thing, we just want to fix things instead of dwell on them.

Did you want to share more on the specifics of the current discussion/argument you're having with your bf? You don't have to but it might help.

One thing I would ask here is what is the fear of betrayal about? Is it a fear of being used and abused? Is it a fear of being wronged? What is this fear? Is it the fear of consequences of being misled?

Also do note that I'm not advocating blind trust here. I myself tend to trust people when the consequences for that trust being misplaced are small. If the consequences are larger, like say lending 1000$, I will be alot more careful with my trust. Actually if anything I am very trusting regardless. Part of it boils down to I think about the consequences first and if I'm ok with the worst case scenario then I'm fine with trusting them.


I can't offer a solution for the sharing of stuff. I know that for myself I've gone in 50/50 on stuff that I've barely used and other people use alot. I view it as I felt it was worth the 50% back then and I still have the ability to get my 50% out of it now.

If this is something that he's using too much and infringing on your ability to use then I would definately agree that there is a problem. I don't have any clear answers though. I'd just recommend come to a common understanding and have a clear agreement from both of you about what is going to happen. Preferably one that suits you both.