Annoyed by Friend

[GonzoCeltic]

I used to hang out with one of my friends every now and then over the past year. We'd go to the park, shoot some hoops, etc. It was all good -- no problems. Well, back in May, he started coming over a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean every other day -- nearly every day. I didn't care at first. But because every time he comes over he wants to boot up the Xbox 360 and play a little bit of Madden NFL '08 on Xbox Live. It irritates me now. I don't even play video games unless somebody is wanting to play, but now I just want to take the said 360 and throw it out of my window. I don't have time to read anymore, to sit back and relax, etc. It's awfully aggravating

I know it's snide, but for a while I was telling him that I had family over, had to do all these errands, etc. Well, one day, ignoring that I told him that, he came over. I was watching television, forgetting to lock the door. Without any preliminary knocks on the door, he barged right in. I was pretty ticked off and told him off -- his reply was that I'm a huge liar, that I told him I wasn't even home.

So, now, even when I am busy or have family over, he'll accuse me of lying. Like I said, I'm wrong for doing it, but I can't seem to have any time to myself these days. The guy needs to find something to do with other people. I mean, I love hanging out with friends, but not five freakin' days a week!

Any advice?

(I know what the advice I would usually receive on many places is to tell him, "Hey, we need to hang out less. That doesn't mean we should stop hanging out, but let's not hang out so much. I need my time." But I've tried that in a similar sense already.)

[Remiel]

Well... he's got you spot on for lying. If it were me I'd set up some boundaries and consequences for when those boundaries are broken. If I had been lying to him I would need to rebuild my honesty and integrity so he could trust me.

With the boundaries if he steps over them then there needs to be consequences and it may be that those consequences are you won't allow him to come over for a week. And if he steps over that then its a month. If he steps over that then I'd probably tell him that I won't have anything to do with him until he gets his act together.

On a side note has something happened in your friends life to cause this? Perhaps this is a situation that you can help him through.


Regardless though if the relationship is detrimental and stays detrimental then its best to do something even if it means stepping away from the relationship. I've had to step away from a detrimental relationship with my brother for the reason that it wasn't healthy for myself. I'm more than willing to get back together with my brother when something has changed but until I see an effort to change I don't see a reason to put myself into that sort of a detrimental relationship.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Give him the XBOX?

[GonzoCeltic]

Originally Posted by Remiel

Well... he's got you spot on for lying. If it were me I'd set up some boundaries and consequences for when those boundaries are broken. If I had been lying to him I would need to rebuild my honesty and integrity so he could trust me.

With the boundaries if he steps over them then there needs to be consequences and it may be that those consequences are you won't allow him to come over for a week. And if he steps over that then its a month. If he steps over that then I'd probably tell him that I won't have anything to do with him until he gets his act together.

On a side note has something happened in your friends life to cause this? Perhaps this is a situation that you can help him through.

Regardless though if the relationship is detrimental and stays detrimental then its best to do something even if it means stepping away from the relationship. I've had to step away from a detrimental relationship with my brother for the reason that it wasn't healthy for myself. I'm more than willing to get back together with my brother when something has changed but until I see an effort to change I don't see a reason to put myself into that sort of a detrimental relationship.

Thanks for the reply, Remiel. I appreciate it.

Has something happened in his life? Well, he came over to America [from Pakistan] in 2003, and I just met him last year. He complains that there's nothing to do in the town here (and he's right, for the most part), which is why I'm usually the one that he wants to hang out with all the time since the distance from where he lives to where I live is not that far whatsoever. He has other friends, but it looks like they pull the same exact thing as I did (the pitiful lies), because he tells me how they never want to hang out even when they have free time.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Give him the XBOX?

I sure do wish it was that simple. He doesn't have a way to connect to Xbox Live at his house, because he has his television and computer in completely different rooms, thus doesn't want to make the attempt to rearrange.

[Lea]

Originally Posted by GonzoCeltic

He has other friends, but it looks like they pull the same exact thing as I did (the pitiful lies), because he tells me how they never want to hang out even when they have free time.

This guy needs some boundaries set and to find more interests other than relying on friends for his entertainment. You might tell him that you don't spend time with friends every day and that he needs to call before coming over to find out whether your busy doing "your thing" that day or not, even if its just watching t.v. by yourself.

[Dannyboy1]

People tell their friends little white lies to protect their feelings. There's nothing wrong with that. Just tell him the truth. Don't come over unless I say to come over. It doesn't matter that you lied. He should not have done that. You're not his girlfriend. He's acting like you were cheating on him. Gimme a break! You're just buddies. He wants the truth, give it to him. Tell him he's bugging you. Tell him you've got other friends and sometimes you just want to be alone. Tell him you shouldn't have to explain yourself anyway. I wouldn't be able to deal with it myself. I couldn't be his friend if he treated me like that.

[GonzoCeltic]

I appreciate the advice, Lea and Dannyboy1.

I'll make my intentions known. If he decides to make it seem like I'm the bad guy, oh well. I'm going to ignore the guilty temptations that may enter my mind and just roll with it. I'll obstruct it from my emotions.

[Alexjstrandberg]

tell him the complete truth that it annoys you and don't sugar coat it. If he reacts badly then find a new friend. Simple

[GonzoCeltic]

The only problem is that I work with the guy. I basically see him on an every day basis anyway (which adds to the aforementioned aggravation). Any advice on that?

[Jim11]

if you tell him honestly that you like to hang out with him, but only every so often, and he doesn't accept that, then it's not your problem.

making up excuses all the time doesn't work, as you found out

If he ends up being insulted by you saying you have other things to do and only want to play vids once in awhile.... just act as though nothing happened and treat him as you treated him previously at work.

[GonzoCeltic]

Thanks, Jim. I'll try that, but hopefully there's no annoying confrontation.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by GonzoCeltic

The only problem is that I work with the guy. I basically see him on an every day basis anyway (which adds to the aforementioned aggravation). Any advice on that?

same thing. If you get rid of him, it's not your fault. He is the one who is needy and annoying. If things get weird at work talk to him again and tell him to act professional. If it escalates then talk to a supervisor.

[SomeRandomGuy]

It may be worth looking into possible cultural differences that are making the two of you see this situation from different angles. I know little about the Pakistani culture, so I do not know if this could be the case. However, in my dealings with other people from other cultures I have seen many situations where their behavior that seemed completely unreasonable to me turned out to be cultural based and not an indication that the person was being inconsiderate or a jerk. If his culture does play into this, I am not suggesting that is an excuse and that you should allow his behavior to continue. It may, however, help you see an approach to take with him that will work or at least provide a way to begin a dialog with him where you can discuss both sides of the issue and come to a resolution without negatively effecting your relationship with him as a friend and co-worker. Good luck.

[GonzoCeltic]

Good points, SomeRandomGuy, but I think because he's been here long enough (5+ years), he should understand by now. Perhaps I'm ignorant with my assumption, but heck, he's immersed himself with people every day for those 5+ years.

I had a long night last night, and was probably going to sleep until about 9:30/10 this morning. However, my said 'annoying friend' came over and literally BANGED on my window, waking me up. So, I got up, still half asleep but in that uber-ticked off/drowsy mood, opened the door, walked outside, and for every neighbor to hear and see, I told him off, ranting about the whole situation, especially how it was 8 in the freakin' morning. Needless to say, he was mad. However, I told him if he can't deal with it and be a man about it, then I had no problem not even being buds with him at all.

Sucked how the morning started, but I got that over with.

Thanks to everyone who helped out. I was truly given the genuine confidence to be able to stand up and be aggressive about my feelings on all this B.S. that has been limiting my free time for the past two or so months.