Am I thinking about him too much?

[clueless]

Hi. I've been lurking in this forum for a year or so and even just reading these stuff has helped me tremendously in many ways. I have a problem right now and it's been bugging me for a while, so I'm writing this in hopes that someone would be able to help answer a few questions.

Is it normal for me to want to be around the guy I like all the time? I keep wanting to know what he's up to, and if he's thinking about me as well and I find that a really horrible feeling because I'll just not be able to do anything else but think of him. I know I could probably call or something to ask but I'm afraid of coming across as too clingy so I don't. But when I don't call or take the initiative to talk to him, I'm afraid he'll think I'm not interested anymore.

My original question was how do I let him know I'm interested without coming across as too clingy, and is it normal for me to think about him so much? But I've just realized it's been only 8 hours since we've last spoken and I'm missing him already. I don't think that's normal...is it? Is there anything I can do to stop thinking about someone so much?

I'm sorry for having to ask such a silly question but I've had zero experience with this stuff in all my twenty years. I'm really confused now because I'm not used to thinking about another person all the time and it's messing up with all the other things I want to do. The worst thing about this is I've always liked him as just a friend and some stuff happened in the past week that sort of changed things. I can't even initiate conversations like I used to anymore

[Alexjstrandberg]

"how can I show him I'm interested without being clingy" you are trying to not have someone think of you as clingy which is only needy. It's asking "how do I appear to not be needy?" but trying to act needy is just a way to cover up the neediness. The problem with that is that it is still needy.

It's ok to think about someone. It's ok to like someone. It's to want to tell that person how you feel about them (my gf says she loves me all the time). The problem comes when these things become needy.

Most people assume the above is needy in nature because TYPICALLY needy people do these types of things. There are no needy actions, only needy people. You can do anything and have it be fine as long as its not needy.

From your worrying about this I can tell you are needy. You are holding back speaking your truth (how you feel about him) because you don't want to weird him out and run the risk of losing him. You don't want to lose him because you feel there is a part of yourself that is missing that needs to be filled externally (him)-basically you feel as though you are not enough.

From this fear of losing him you begin to judge yourself for feeling this way. If you judge yourself for something, anything you will fear the judgments of others instead of not being concerned with what other people think of you.

MOST people will advise you to act aloof, to pull back and pretend to not show much interest which is just horrible advise. The problem is that you feel like you are not enough NOT how much interest you show in another person.

here is a couple of affirmations that will help you with your neediness.

"I am enough"

"I accept change and freely let go of my insecurities, doubts and fears"

"I trust the universe to supply with an abundance"

say these affirmations over and over whenever you feel like you are being needy. Breathe.

Whenever you find yourself judging yourself for anything say the following affirmations:

"I love and accept myself completely"

and

"I am truly loved"

hope this helps

[The Cloud]

You sound exactly like I used to get. If you are, then I'm afraid that you are setting yourself up for a pretty intense emotional experience, and probably a bad one at that.

As far as I have discerned, the problem comes from defining the relationship. I had formed a definition of what I thought my relationship with somebody was, and then put all my energy into forcing the reality to fit that description in my head. Ultimately, when I fought reality, it fought back. I was not the winner. This resulted in blame being assigned, blame for me and for the other party. I felt a lot of terrible things, and did a lot of stupid things. All because I couldn't let go of that idea of what I wanted in my head. Of course, this experience was also intensely positive because it taught me a lot of things about myself and essentially changed my life in a huge way, but in your case I'm sure you'd prefer that the lesson weren't necessary.

The thing that I can recommend that may help you most is to accept that he is the way he is and you are the way you are and nobody is to blame for it. It's not his fault if he won't enter into a relationship with you, he is who he is and he can't help it. It's not your fault if he won't be with you, because you are who you are and you couldn't be other than that and be happy. You are who you are and he is who he is, and that is how it is. And the same applies if you do succeed in a relationship with him

[melonstar]

Hi Clueless
It seems that you already have some good advice - for this relationship, and indeed ANY relationship to work you must look within and see what your own emotional intentions are. Do you like this guy so much because you feel he will solve your issues, or make you feel more complete? Is it the idea of the relationship that you like rather than actually the soul which you are coming into contact with? I only ask becuase I have been repeating this pattern of neediness for many of my thirty-odd years and it is only recently that I have had the courage to admit it and begin to deal with it. It is my firm belief that you must ready yourself by beginning to believe in your own perfection and completeness BEFORE you can even begin to choose to share that successfully with another. My advice is to take a step back, meditate on your true desires and work on feeling full and amazing, then I'm sure you will attract him anyway. Don't play games, be true to your intutitions but put the work in on your self. Good luck!

[clueless]

Thank you all for your replies. They're really insightful and I'm not sure if I'm saying it properly but it's like you guys have gone past the questions I appear to be asking and answered the ones I really needed to ask.

@Alexjstrandberg
I'm amazed at how spot-on you are, kind of tempted to defend myself but I think you're right. I am afraid of weirding him out. In him, I see a much braver version of myself and when he's around I'm able to do more things outside of my comfort zone. I think that's what I'm afraid of losing. And thanks for the affirmations. It was funny saying them out, but they worked lol.

@The Cloud
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm not sure if I can relate to it yet, but I'll keep your advice in mind

@melonstar
Your questions really made me think. I don't have the answers to all of them yet and I certainly hope it's not just the idea of the relationship I like although I suspect it's a little of both . It doesn't sound very fair to him You're right, I need to deal with myself first before I can share anything with him or anyone else for that matter. Thank you again!

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by clueless

I'm amazed at how spot-on you are, kind of tempted to defend myself but I think you're right. I am afraid of weirding him out. In him, I see a much braver version of myself and when he's around I'm able to do more things outside of my comfort zone. I think that's what I'm afraid of losing. And thanks for the affirmations. It was funny saying them out, but they worked lol.

hahah defensive just means I'm right. Interesting side note for people trying to fully get a handle on their emotions, any time you feel defensive, arguing or trying to explain yourself to others stop and ask yourself why? A big reason is you are trying to convince others of something you dont believe yourself or something you don't want to admit to yourself.

Keep at those affirmations. at first it will seem weird and kind of like you are convincing yourself of something but eventually they will set in and you will be on autopilot.

My guess is this guy isn't like most of the guys you have dated ("I feel braver around him") Since he is a change of pace from the typical guys you have dated you felt a large amount of attraction and have become addicted to it.

We tend to attract people who either come into our lives to teach us lessons or people who compliment us. He compliments you in being brave and courageous. He reflects back to you what you want for yourself.

Until you decide to get the brave part down for yourself you will always want and desire that aspect of him. You will feel that need for the way he makes you feel until you find courage within yourself.

Ask him how he got to be that way and compliment and appreciate what he has. From there make a decision to become brave by facing your own fears.