Dealing with my SO's depression and suicidal thoughts

[bingo]

Hi all, this is my first post here, but seeing all the useful info and smart people here, I though I would ask for some help.

I've been with my current boyfriend for over a year, and the relationship so far has worked out okay. Though I'm having my doubts that we're right for each other in the long run. We don't argue and the sex is great, and I care for him a lot, but I don't feel like the relationship is fulfilling or going anywhere, or that we are right for each other in the long run. I want to bring this up with him, but I don't dare too, because lately he's been kind of down because of things happening in his life that have nothing to do with me, and has been talking about taking his own life. Overdosing on pills and so on. This really scares me, even though I believe and hope that he won't do it.

I don't know how serious he is about this, though consider that he's 21, gay and that a friend of his commited suicide less than half a year ago, makes me think that he might actually mean it.

I just don't know what to do. If we break up and he then kills himself, I'm going to feel horrible, like a murderer. Should I stay in the relationship and try to help him the best I can. And how do you help someone that has suicidal thoughts. I've never had any thoughts like this myself, so have no idea how to handle it. Should I try to get his family to help, even though his relationship with them is kind of messed up, because they don't like him being gay...and by extension, don't like me. I'm completely at a loss. Any ideas what I can do?

[The Cloud]

A1A priority is to try to convince him to get professional help. I don't know what the other factors affecting his life are, so I can't give any meaningful advice there. However, I can remind you that if he did commit suicide, it would not be your fault. Whatever you feel, whatever you think, nobody would be to blame and you carrying that guilt would have no positive effects on anyone's life. I know you feel that you should be carrying around this fear and this guilt, that in order to be a good person you should be feeling fear and guilt in this type of situation, but you don't have to and it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want to feel that. No matter how afraid and guilty you feel about something, that doesn't make the situation better. So let go of your pain, and accept emotions and thoughts that don't cause you pain rather than brooding on the ones that just create more suffering for yourself and others.

[bellemeadows]

Well, I agree, see if you can get him to go get some help.

The other thing to do is love and support him as you can, while still honoring your own wishes and needs. People who want to die, are in pain. The only reason anyone would think of suicide is that there is some kind of internal pain that is worse than offing onesself. . . .

So sorry for his pain, (I'll keep him in my prayers) Belle,

[wellbeing]

Bingo, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

I agree with the other posters that your friend would benefit most from a professional's help but I wanted to suggest some resources for you as well.
I don't know where you're located but, if it's in the USA, most major cities have a Gay Crisis Line. When I lived in New York, I used to work for the oldest such organization, the Gay & Lesbian Switchboard of New York. We were not only there for people in immediate crisis but their friends and loved ones, too. And, in addition to being someone to talk to, we had whole lists of resources for our callers. Over the years, more of these organizations have spead so I would suggest calling the city nearest you. If that doesn't help, call the NY one; they have national organizations to which to refer you.

If you live outside of the US, there may still be a similar organization near you. If not, there is an international organization called The Samaritans (or its translation in the local language). They are a (nnon-LGBT) suicide prevention organization and they could help you and your friend.

I know this is a difficult situation for you and I strongly repeat what the other responders have said: no matter what your friend choses to do with his life, it is NOT your fault. Blaming yourself, if (God forbid) he chooses to acton his plans, serves NO purpose and is INACCURATE.

Please let me know how this works out.

[darthangel]

Get married, that will cheer him up. He'll feel a strong liberation from his parent's viewpoints.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by bingo

If we break up and he then kills himself, I'm going to feel horrible, like a murderer. Should I stay in the relationship and try to help him the best I can. And how do you help someone that has suicidal thoughts. I've never had any thoughts like this myself, so have no idea how to handle it. Should I try to get his family to help, even though his relationship with them is kind of messed up, because they don't like him being gay...and by extension, don't like me. I'm completely at a loss. Any ideas what I can do?

The only time I came across someone I thought to be on the verge of suicide I felt like I'd rip my heart out and offer it to him or the powers that be on a silver plater if that's what it'd take to help him. I cared so much, if he really had killed himself I most likely would have gone right after him. I felt totally responsible for saving him, like it'd be my ultimate failure in life if anything happened to him.

That's not true though, neither for me nor for you, cause each person has his or her own basic free will. You can only help so much, but the ultimate decisions rest with each person, and you're not responsible for those decisions somebody else makes.

That said, there is probably a lot you can do to help. For starters, since your mate is down on his knees right now, leaving him isn't what I'd do, especially since your reasons for leaving the relationship look like you were following a mental red herring anyway.

That vague sense of dissatisfaction you feel most likely has nothing to do with your relationship at all. Very often when you say "I feel the relationship isn't going anywhere", what you're really feeling is: "I'm not going anywhere", and you simply look for a scapegoat outside yourself. No relationship will give you a lasting sense of fulfillment if you haven't already learned to grow that feeling on your own.

Do what your intuition tells you to do. For each situation there's a different solution, and I can't really tell yours more than in a general way.

Admittedly running to professionals and family or forcing them on your mate, though they're a lot of steps further removed from him than where you are currently standing, to me feels a bit like you're shying the challenge placed before you. I'd suggest talking to your mate first of all -not letting on about your doubts about the relationship- before you go and talk to anybody else, like his family. Listen, really listen.

And come to terms with yourself on how much support you're willing to give out, how far you're willing to go for your mate and in that accept responsibility for your own decision and act upon it. You have no way of knowing what your mate will decide no matter what your actions. To know at least where you stand and standing by yourself in your decisions -as in being determined to have no regrets whatever the outcome- will be a relief.

My best wishes go out to both of you.

[uberinquisitive]

My fiancé committed suicide after I broke up with him.

If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now - I'd still leave him.

All over the world, every day, millions of people break up. Millions of people cheat on each other and abuse each other. Thousands are tortured and starved everyday. And yet -- most people have the will to live.

What this suggests is - the will to live is NOT controlled by external circumstances. The will to live in a deeply personal choice. In actuality, you are not so important that he would kill himself over you. Even my man, who swore he'd kill himself if I left him - he didn't really kill himself because of me. I was just a front, a justification, for something much deeper.

Let's say that your bf was in a murderous rage. You broke up with him, and he went out and killed the family next door. Are you responsible? Are you the "true" murderer? Of course not. Well, suicide is like murder, except it's self-murder.

Just as he's responsible for his life - you are responsible for yours. You need to make the decisions right for you.

[axelg]

Encourage him to go and see a mental-health professional. Helping is a beautiful thing...

Emotional Healing