I've hit a DEAD end

[Rosie]

I don't know what to do anymore. I am not depressed. I don't hate life. I am actually suprisingly happy. The thing is that I have crippling anxiety. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I'll save you the long details, but basically, I've suffered from selective mutism, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder etc.. I've always had a really high tolerance for anxiety, but about a year ago I went on medication to help reduce my anxiety. Now, for the first time, I know what it's like to not feel anxiety all the time. Now I have NO tolerance for it whatsoever. I refuse to go in to any situation that causes anxiety. Except...I have a job this summer. It causes me A LOt of anxiety. I really really want to quit, because I hate every moment of it. By the end of the day I am exhausted from all the anxiety and covered in sweat. But, I know if I quit, I won't have any money for my final year of college in September. I've searched literally for weeks online, trying to find internet jobs where I won't have to interact with people..but they are all scams. I don't know what to do. Do I continue working a job that causes me to have panic attacks on a daily basis, or do I quit and disappoint my parents? Please, I'd really appreciate any help on the subject.

Thank you

[Alexjstrandberg]

"Now I have NO tolerance for it whatsoever. I refuse to go in to any situation that causes anxiety. " Your anxiety is caused by this type of thinking. Things that scare you will cause you anxiety but going through a fear will cause temporary anxiety but far greater peace and relaxation in the end.

You are scared and avoiding fears at all costs. Eventually you will become a shut in and probably develop agoraphobia (fear of going outside) if you don't start getting the courage to face your fears. You are already heading in that direction by trying to get an internet job.

I strongly suggest keeping the job and getting the guts to face the things that scare you. The temporary awkwardness that follows when you face a fear is far greater than the alternative.

[Jarrod]

For what external reasons (outside of yourself) do you hate the job?

[dali]

You are not in an enviable position, are you. It must be really difficult, but you are exactly in the right position for you at this moment. It is precisely through this that you can find the freedom that you seek. tune into you tube to The Work of Byron Katie. I think that you will really find help there. I wish you well.

[Mr_A]

You pretty much get crippled by Fear. Fear stands for
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Not

F**k
Everything
And
Run

Somebody said,
That ‘We fear what we do not understand’
I believe there are social environments that you feel no anxiety in, but you have a deep level of understanding and trust in theses environments, you feel safe enough to be yourself without second guessing how you should act.
I believe you make harsh judgements on yourself and others concerning how you should act.
Just saying ‘Just be your self’ is easier said than done.
My advice is when you start feeling anxious you need to take a position that you don’t understand the situation at hand and you should use your curiosity and instinct to further investigate before you make any judgement at all.
Ask yourself whats the worst case scenario and trust yourself that if that does occur that you will be able to deal with.
Take a position that I’m here to express myself freely and if the worst case scenario occurs, if my world starts to crumble around me, if life knocks me down and brings me to my knees.… I’ll deal with it.

[Rosie]

Thanks for you replies everyone. Alex, your response was a big reality check for me. I'm going through this self hatred stage, where I can't stand looking at my self in the mirror. I think I'm worthless, and I feel like no one would ever like me. I'm really considering going to a mental hospital, however, I know that my parents will be really angry with me. They've always had the attitude that you should suck it up, and not talk about your problems. I'm afraid they will think of me as weak.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Rosie

Thanks for you replies everyone. Alex, your response was a big reality check for me. I'm going through this self hatred stage, where I can't stand looking at my self in the mirror. I think I'm worthless, and I feel like no one would ever like me. I'm really considering going to a mental hospital, however, I know that my parents will be really angry with me. They've always had the attitude that you should suck it up, and not talk about your problems. I'm afraid they will think of me as weak.

I'm happy it hit you, you seemed to be going off the deep end. Everything you are going through is a combination of things but it's mostly the fear stuff. Self confidence, self worth, self esteem is gained through taking a fear and pushing through it. There's a lot that can help you but none of it will work if you don't get that one handled.

Depression and most other illnesses stem from being attached to the mind and what it has to say. That voice inside of your head that tells you that you are worthless and ugly is not you, it's only the mind. Most people believe that the voice is them and as a result run into a large amount of problems.

The mind is dualistic fear producing machine. It will literally sit there all day long telling you that you are a bad person and worthless. It feeds off of negative thoughts, anger, resentment, jealousy and comparing yourself to other people-this is how it gains greater control over you.

Take a minute and pay attention to your mind. Imagine you are watching your thoughts the same as you would watch a movie. You aren't a film critic so don't judge your thoughts as good or bad, just simply watch them. Notice how that voice doesn't shut up ever.

The thoughts that the mind produces aren't at all constructive to a healthy life. They are very destructive and will never stop so don't try and fight them. the key is to ignore the thoughts as if someone else was talking to you.

I suggest reading eckhart tolle the power of now, it will help.

"my parents would get angry with me if I talk about my problems" seems like you grew up in a very closed off family that had their own issues that weren't dealt with properly. It's great to talk about your problems just so you know exactly what they are and to be honest with yourself.

But you also need to do something about your problems. talking without action will only make things worse.

I have a little exercise you can try. Lay down on your bed and take a couple of deep breathes. Place your hands over your heart and say the following affirmation "I love and accept myself completely" and "I am truly loved"

Your mind will start talking as it usually does but just ignore it and dont get into an argument. Say those affirmations for ten minutes for a couple of days and let me know how it feels when you say them.

[blondeDO12]

medication is great and in many cases it can give someone there life back, but in a case of anxiety, it not only calms you physiologically, but it is becoming a psychological crutch. Your meds are only as good as a good therapist. In all honestly, you physician should recommend a therapist or even a support group where you can bring someone that you truly trust to accompany you. Nothing will change overnight, but try to think positively. Baby steps...there is nothing to fear...most people are just as scared as you are!

[The Cloud]

You seem to have four options now. You can give in to your anxiety and avoid people for the rest of your life. You can keep fighting your anxiety and spend all your time being sweaty and scared. You can be on meds for the rest of your life. Or you can learn about your fear, and master it.

As you can probably tell, I am in favor of the fourth option. Your fear is due to your perspective. You are approaching situations in a certain way that causes you to feel afraid. I had the same problem as you, only with public speaking (wow, I'm all alone on that one ). Anyways, I would get sweaty and shaky and forgetful. But then I realized that it was only certain kinds of public speaking that made me feel this way. Prepared speeches were an unmitigated horror for me, but afterwards I was cool as a cucumber answering people's questions. So I COULD speak publicly, I was just doing it wrong. So, instead of looking at a presentation as something that had to be prepared and perfected, I looked at it as a bunch of questions. Instantly, I was dry and steady while speaking, even with MUCH less time spent preparing.

So are there any people that you can talk to without anxiety? Figure out what you're doing different with people you can talk to versus people that freak you out, and then apply that to the freak-inducers. Or else learn to enjoy sweat and stuttering

[MaxLight]

hey rosie
I strongly agree with what Alex has recommended. Reading eckart tolles books or in general books on spirituality that help you live in the moment and see the separation between self and mind would definitely help you a lot.

Confronting your fears and seeing how they collapse is so important, otherwise you are "fearing being afraid". Fear is then telling you what you can and can't even do, lest you be afraid, which is only letting fear dictate your actions even more.

[Rosie]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to the doctor on Thursday to get recommended to a good therapist. My parents are hoping that if all goes well, I can eventually get off the medication.

Mastering my fear does sound very appealing, but it also feels like an impossible task. I've had this anxiety for as long as I can remember, so sometimes it feels like there's no end in sight.