Rational vs. emotional attraction

[JimOfferman]

Walking home today, it occurred to me that there might be two kinds of (romantic) attraction: rational ("she would totally fit into my life style") and emotional ("just looking at her gives me butterflies").

I'm arguably more rational than emotional when it comes to attraction, which explains why I was often wondering why things between me and a girl didn't work out, when it made perfect logical sense for us to be together. The women I've been attracted to, on the other hand, seem to have been more of the emotional attraction types. The "flaw" in my strategy then, was that I tried to make the rational attraction happen in my dates, while I should have shot for the other kind... it all makes perfect sense now!

Btw. I'm not saying that I don't feel emotional attraction. Quite the opposite: the emotional attraction is so pervasive in all of my relationships, that I need the rational kind to discern between regular friends and (potential) lovers.

Anyone else see things like that?

[driven1]

To quote David DeAngelo, "Attraction is not a choice." You cannot rationally convince a woman to be attracted to you; you must speak directly to her heart. Now, she might be might make a rational decision to date a guy for other reasons (money, family, career, whatever), but she won't be *attracted* to him because of the rational reason.

I don't know you, but I gotta think this is the same for you. I mean, does the animal side of you go, "Man, I really want to snog her brains out because she likes the same kind of music as me!!"? I humbly suggest that her physical attractiveness is what really gets your motor running, and the other stuff is just bonus: fun, convenient, lucrative, whatever.

Me, I won't date women that I'm not emotionally attracted to.** I've done this before, three times. All three times, the girl fell in love with me while I was all "meh, yeah I enjoy your company" and waiting, waiting, waiting for those deeper emotions to come. I genuinely wanted them to. They never did. Cool girls, all of them. I really liked them. But I would never love them. All three times, I eventually had to dump her, breaking her heart and probably messing up her opinion of men for quite a while. For me, because I know what I want, that's bad behavior, not congruent with my inner self.

But everybody has different goals with dating, so go with what works for you. If you just want to be with somebody you like, who you get along with, and who fits your lifestyle, there's nothing at all wrong with that. Me, I want to fall in love.

My two cents... hope this helps.

** ...unless all we both want is a casual relationship; I'm very up front about this, but usually her emotions end up getting in the way and I have to break it off.

[JimOfferman]

Thanks driven1, but I wasn't looking for help... I was sharing an insight.

And, yes, I will do what works for me.

[driven1]

I apologize if you feel that I was talking down to you. It certainly wasn't intended, but I see what you mean -- I need to work on my delivery.

I was trying to share my thoughts on your idea of rational vs. emotional attraction. That's what I thought you were looking for... some feedback?

[carenkh]

Yep, Jim, I can completely see that - except I have never, ever tried to make it work because just the "rational" attraction was there. It has to start as emotional/sexual for me. Although I've lived long enough now that if it's *just* emotional or sexual, I won't pursue anything - there need to be shared values, etc. For a long-term romantic relationship, anyway.

Uh - that's if I'm remembering correctly! Been a while for me.

[Mewwy]

That's an interesting post, JimOfferman, as for me emotional attraction is THE indicator that distinguishes between friendship or love.

I have a feeling that women are more likely to be emotional attraction based. That's why women are more likely to be perceived as clingy in severe cases. Emotional attraction from the guts is very strong! Gut level attraction makes a woman's life very purposeful, if not fulfilled and happy. What are men's true mentality towards being gut level attracted to someone?

In the past I tried many things - physically, emotionally, communicatively or even spiritually - in order to turn on another man's "gut button" so that his attraction for me wasn't only justified by rationale but also by emotional depth. Of course, it wasn't the wisest choice because it was tiring as hell to do so.

This goes back to the saying that "Attraction is not a choice." Certainly there are too many couples that broke up just because "The feeling isn't there."

[JimOfferman]

@driven1... nobody's perfect, not you and certainly not me! I did not feel talked down to, don't worry

I want to clarify that it is not "just" rational attraction for me. It's not an either-or case. I have the emotional attraction too, it's very pervasive in fact, but it's not what drives my decisions to pursue one girl but not the next.

Sexual desires, for me, are strictly the result of attraction, not the cause. Even there, being Natalie Portman helps, but it does less for me than having a compatible lifestyle. Lighting a cigarette will kill any attraction I might feel quicker than Lucky Luke can draw his guns on his own shadow.

I feel the emotional attraction, strongly, but I am just not governed by it.