Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

[mercuryrising]

The past couple weeks of my relationship have been particularly bad. It started when I discovered my girlfriend was looking at an on-line dating site. She said she made a mistake and I handled it better than I have in the past, but it made me paranoid and distrustful. I work the opposite shift that she does and I spend a good portion of my night wondering what she is up to...

I've felt a tendency to try and be something different to her... more like whatever I think she wants. That doesn't seem to be working that great. I've tried just letting the situation go and focusing on my personal goals. That seems to be helping, but there is still this lack of communication between us. I work on my goals, she works on hers... there's nothing there in the middle.

Most recently, I discovered that she applied for a job in another city without saying anything to me. There just seems to be no way that I can stay with this girl. I probably would not be so broken up about this if we didn't have a daughter together. I've really enjoyed being around my child.

I'm just getting tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. If she doesn't want to be with me, fine. It's the dishonesty that bothers me. Perhaps it shouldn't come as a surprise. I can't remember the last girl who just said, "Hey, I don't think this is working out."

Any suggestions?

[niche]

Leave her and fight for your rights with the child. Even if you don't get full custody, your time will go to being more about quality instead of quantity.

[september]

Or perhaps, instead of assuming she's just up to no good, you could intiate communication with her, asking the reasons why she didn't tell you she applied for the job and what she thinks, if anything, could help your relationship. You've already pinpointed the problem: a lack of communication. Why not act on that observation?

Have you tried communicating with her on a regular basis? Counseling? I find it hard to believe she's just disposable. You don't want to be just what she wants. And she doesn't want to be just what you want. You've got a common topic already.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by september

Or perhaps, instead of assuming she's just up to no good, you could intiate communication with her, asking the reasons why she didn't tell you she applied for the job and what she thinks, if anything, could help your relationship. You've already pinpointed the problem: a lack of communication. Why not act on that observation?

Have you tried communicating with her on a regular basis? Counseling? I find it hard to believe she's just disposable. You don't want to be just what she wants. And she doesn't want to be just what you want. You've got a common topic already.

For someone who barely knows me, this was spoken like a real friend. I appreciate it

[robc]

If she is applying for a job in a different location far away from you and she is browsing online dating sites, those are some pretty strong indicators that the relationship is taking a nose dive.

Another part of the relationship problem is that you are focusing on talking about the relationship instead of just having one - alot of people fall into this trap. Do people usually talk about relationship issue when they first hook up? No, not usually - they're too busy dating each other and having fun. Where has that gone?

At any rate, get some legal advice and try to find out how far she can move away with your daughter - she may be limited in how far away she can move from you if that is her intention, it's your daughter and you're entitled to be part of her life.

Stop focusing on what makes her happy, start focusing on you. That's another relationship killer, you start doing too much for the other person, it kills the attraction because they subconsciously realize that you don't have much of a life of your own without the other person. Do you have guy friends, if so, hang out with them! Go to a gym on a daily basis. Continue to be a good father to your kid. Take care yourself and your needs and stop analyzing her every movement, she'll come to expect that behavior and that will push away even more. You are your own person, stop being attached at the hip to this person, it's clingly & insecure, definitely an attraction killer.

How long have you been together?
What other problems are happening?

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by robc

If she is applying for a job in a different location far away from you and she is browsing online dating sites, those are some pretty strong indicators that the relationship is taking a nose dive.

Another part of the relationship problem is that you are focusing on talking about the relationship instead of just having one - alot of people fall into this trap. Do people usually talk about relationship issue when they first hook up? No, not usually - they're too busy dating each other and having fun. Where has that gone?

In our case, I'm not sure it ever existed. You make a good point. I'm often the one to want to talk about stuff which usually just leads into an argument. It's an act of futility.

Stop focusing on what makes her happy, start focusing on you. That's another relationship killer, you start doing too much for the other person, it kills the attraction because they subconsciously realize that you don't have much of a life of your own without the other person. Do you have guy friends, if so, hang out with them! Go to a gym on a daily basis. Continue to be a good father to your kid. Take care yourself and your needs and stop analyzing her every movement, she'll come to expect that behavior and that will push away even more. You are your own person, stop being attached at the hip to this person, it's clingly & insecure, definitely an attraction killer.

I should probably have this paragraph tattooed somewhere on my body. This past week has been different and it is mainly because I started to move toward some of my own objectives and stopped worrying so much about what she is doing. She has been much more receptive to me because of this. I really appreciate your suggestions. Some of them I hadn't thought of... which is kind of sad in a way.

How long have you been together?

We got back together this past November. The time before that was six years prior. She found herself in a bad situation (homeless in school without a job) and I agreed to room with her. Her brother paid her half of rent. This arrangement didn't last long (no surprise). I'm not sure this was the wisest move on my part.

What other problems are happening?

Well, the main issue we have is that she just finished a college degree and is a much better situation overall than I am. My finances are a mess and I have been rather lost about what career I should be in. This has caused a lot of friction between us. And, in all honesty, this is my fault. It creates a dependency issue between us. I hate it and so does she.

Another problem is that she acts as if I'm insignificant. It's like there is her and our daughter over here and me over there. Before our daughter, it was all about her. I could fall off the planet and she wouldn't notice. This has put me in a position where I am constantly chasing her, bitching and moaning about something and basically needy as hell. I don't like that. I've dated an assortment of girls in the last six years and not one of them treated me that way. If they did, I would drop them in a heartbeat.

I think what you said above about taking care of myself is the solution to most of these issues.

This may all sound really bad. Let me say that, on a positive note, we do both care for each other. We both try our damnedest to create a good environment for our daughter to grow up in. I think the problem overall is that this is a relationship out of necessity and not desire.

I don't think she feels anyone would really put up with her (though that isn't true) and I'm looking at about two years to dig myself out of the hole. And, of course, there is our daughter who is a pure drop of sunshine right in the middle of all this.

I could go further, but I figure I've aired enough of my laundry. I'm interested to hear what you have to say, Rob. You sound like you know what you are talking about...

[robc]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

In our case, I'm not sure it ever existed. You make a good point. I'm often the one to want to talk about stuff which usually just leads into an argument. It's an act of futility.

I should probably have this paragraph tattooed somewhere on my body. This past week has been different and it is mainly because I started to move toward some of my own objectives and stopped worrying so much about what she is doing. She has been much more receptive to me because of this. I really appreciate your suggestions. Some of them I hadn't thought of... which is kind of sad in a way.

We got back together this past November. The time before that was six years prior. She found herself in a bad situation (homeless in school without a job) and I agreed to room with her. Her brother paid her half of rent. This arrangement didn't last long (no surprise). I'm not sure this was the wisest move on my part.

Well, the main issue we have is that she just finished a college degree and is a much better situation overall than I am. My finances are a mess and I have been rather lost about what career I should be in. This has caused a lot of friction between us. And, in all honesty, this is my fault. It creates a dependency issue between us. I hate it and so does she.

Another problem is that she acts as if I'm insignificant. It's like there is her and our daughter over here and me over there. Before our daughter, it was all about her. I could fall off the planet and she wouldn't notice. This has put me in a position where I am constantly chasing her, bitching and moaning about something and basically needy as hell. I don't like that. I've dated an assortment of girls in the last six years and not one of them treated me that way. If they did, I would drop them in a heartbeat.

I think what you said above about taking care of myself is the solution to most of these issues.

This may all sound really bad. Let me say that, on a positive note, we do both care for each other. We both try our damnedest to create a good environment for our daughter to grow up in. I think the problem overall is that this is a relationship out of necessity and not desire.

I don't think she feels anyone would really put up with her (though that isn't true) and I'm looking at about two years to dig myself out of the hole. And, of course, there is our daughter who is a pure drop of sunshine right in the middle of all this.

I could go further, but I figure I've aired enough of my laundry. I'm interested to hear what you have to say, Rob. You sound like you know what you are talking about...

Sometimes I wish I didn't know about this process.

I am going through a somewhat messy separation myself but it has some positives in it as well.

This year has been the toughest year of my life and probably the most productive as well. I walked through quite a bit of fire myself to receive some healing.

I guess before we talk about airing out the laundry, what are your intentions?
Do you want this girl back? Are you still attracted to her, do you still love her? Even if you say yes to both of these questions I have another question that is probably quick to answer which may nullify the answers to these 2 questions. Is this relationship you? Say you said yes to the fact that you're attracted to this girl and that you still love her and possibly quite alot. Ask yourself is this relationship you? Does she do the things that take care of your needs the way they need to be taken care of. Be honest with yourself when you answer this. Is it possible for her to change to become this person?

Another attraction killer for women in general is when a man can't provide for himself financially and in the process can't provide for his mate/partner. It's a subconscious thing in women, men are viewed as providers, if you're not filling that role, she has lost attraction in you. She's basically sizing you up and asking herself why she needs you at all? Doesn't feel good does it? Been there, done that and personally I'll never be there again.

Women like men (again it's a subconscious thing) that are ambitious in life, that are going somewhere. What's that saying, if you're just standing still you're going backwards (something like that).

First things first, time to pump up your ego.
You are a dominant, attractive male that can have a relationship with a woman, regardless if it's your current partner or another woman. Why is it easy for me to say this with relative 99.999% certainty? Because you've done it once, you're capable of doing it again. You can also take care of yourself and it's something you need to start believing in and start doing. Another thing too, eliminate the word "TRY" from your vocabulary when talking to your partner, your friends or even yourself. "TRY" is a $ hitty word. It basically implies failure from the get go. If you say "I will try to be a man, I will try to be happy", you're basically implying you will try but there is a good chance of failure. The new word for you is "DO!" You will be a better man and you will be happy! Almost the same sentence but in this context the implication is different, during the process of healing yourself, making yourself better and becoming a different better person for yourself, you may stumble along the way but you will pick yourself up each time regardless if you fall on your ass 1000 times and you will keep getting up and you will carry yourself over the finish line even if it nearly kills you. You WILL succeed!

You need to start being happy about yourself with yourself.
Make an effort concerning your financial situation, pick a new career, enhance your current career or if your skill set lends itself to this possibility, become an entrepreneur. You have so much potential trapped inside your body & mind, it's time to release it, time to press forward and time to become the best person you have the ability to be and the process won't end, this will be a life long process, always doing better, always getting better, receiving better. No more settling for 2nd place bull $ hit. And you're going to do it on your terms, don't let anyone bully you around anymore. You don't accept that from anyone anymore.

Start working out, go to a gym, go to the park, do it at home, whatever, just do it. Part of becoming a new & better person is transforming physically, I don't expect you to become a physique contest champion but you are expected to move your a $ $ and work up a sweat and make your body more fit & healthy. Improving your physical health is going to also improve your mental, emotional and spiritual health, they're all related, you start improving one, the others will follow, you will start to feel better about yourself. It's time to pump up that self-esteem, self-confidence and self-value, you are important. The trick is this, if you yourself don't believe that you have alot of value, you aren't going to fool anyone else with an act. You start believing in your self-worth, you won't have to prove it to anyone else, they'll start noticing by themselves and they'll even make mention of it.

Change the warddrobe. Granted you're in a financial tiff right now but work up to it, start small: new pair of jeans, new shirt, start getting your haircut regularly, make it look different because you're going to be new & improved and you can't do that by looking like the old person. Part of being new and feeling the confidence that comes with it is looking new, you'll feel it, you'll believe it and the other people around you will do the same thing.

You put too much focus in your gf and her activities. This stops NOW!
Start limiting your contact with her, stop asking her what she's doing, where she's going and what she has been doing. As far as you're concerned, you could care less! Focus on being a great dad to your kid, I mean it, live that experience, you become the best father that kid could ever have, any spare time & energy you had before investing into attention of your gf is now going to go into yourself and your kid. I'm not saying be an a $ $ hole and never talk to your GF again, but only reply to her when she says something and keep it small talk, hi/bye/yes/no, etc. You no longer get to talk about the relationship or bring it up, if she brings it up, listen carefully, digest what she says to you for a few seconds or longer and learn to analyze your thoughts and determine if your responses will cause a negative reaction and also make your responses brief.

You no longer get to live your life for your GF. You get to live your life for yourself. On the plane when you're flying, during the instructions they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before taking care of anyone else. That's going to be your life motto from now on, you take care of yourself first before you take care of anyone else - you do that and you'll find that you're able to handle life alot better and alot easier because you're going to be doing something you haven't done in a while, taking care of yourself first & foremost. You are now the greatest priority in your life and after that it's your child and everyone else afterwards.

There is so much more I can talk about this issue, if you're interested and if any of this stuff makes sense that you want to hear more, just reply back.

Good Luck Bro, I believe in you, I know you can DO it!

[mercuryrising]

I guess before we talk about airing out the laundry, what are your intentions?
Do you want this girl back? Are you still attracted to her, do you still love her? Even if you say yes to both of these questions I have another question that is probably quick to answer which may nullify the answers to these 2 questions. Is this relationship you? Say you said yes to the fact that you're attracted to this girl and that you still love her and possibly quite alot. Ask yourself is this relationship you? Does she do the things that take care of your needs the way they need to be taken care of. Be honest with yourself when you answer this. Is it possible for her to change to become this person?

Yes I love her and yes I'm still attracted to her. After giving this some thought, no this relationship isn't me, as in she does not take care of my needs the way I would like. That's been the problem going way back: me trying to make her into something she can't become. There have been times where she wanted to become what I wanted, but that's just crappy for anyone: no one wants to live up to another persons standards like that. If she has to change for me, then it probably isn't right in the long run.

This makes a lot of sense, Rob. I took your post and copied it onto my homepage so every day I'll read it. Really, when I came to this forum, this is what I was looking for. This one post.

I have some questions about how I can relate to women differently (this one or any other one) because I've seen myself repeating the same sh it over and over. But let me apply what you've said so far. For once, I'd like to take what you've said and just use it. Don't worry, I'll have some questions for you down the road. I'm sending a PM with my email so I can stay in contact with you, if that's ok.

And, thanks, you probably just saved my life.