different focus in a couple?

[Rose of Cairo]

K's main focus and #1 priority is me. Our relationship, that is. I asked him what his goal in life is, and he wrote "My goal is to build a future with you in Harmony, Love and Respect. <some private details censored> I want a beautiful, old house, many animals and a garden for you I want to do crazy things with you. Make you laugh every day. I want you to be happy. I'll back you up so that you realize your projects. I want to live with you. I love you."

My goal is not to live with him and back up his projects. Now don't get me wrong, I do want to live with him, and I'll certainly support him in realizing his projects too. I totally love this guy and I intend to make the relationship work till I die. We are both convinced that we had some kind of appointment in this life, and are meant to spend this lifetime together. What happens to me with him never happened with any other man ever. He's very important for me.

BUT living with him is not my dedicated goal in life. I have a purpose and my goal is to fulfill this purpose. That's what I focus on.

So basically, he looks at me, and I look at the world.

What is your experience with such a difference of focus? Can a couple thrive this way? It's not really balanced, is it?

[Ceros]

There's certainly a fine line between devotion and obsession, but in the end it depends on what you're looking for in a relationship.

For me, a partner that devotes their entire life to me and my ambitions would be perfect. I could really see myself loving someone like that.

However other people may want their partner to be more autonomous and less "clingy". It is true that this kind of devotion to someone else can grow into something unhealthy, and the person may even stop growing as an individual (Not to mention the devastating effect it would have on him in case of a break up).

In the end, you should ask yourself whether you want a relationship with someone completely devoted to yourself, or someone who is your equal.

[ZHereford]

Hi Rose,

I think it's important to share the same values and perspective on life. If you don't, ultimately it will lead to a parting of the ways.

You can love many people throughout your lifetime, however if you don't want to live the same type of lifestyle and share a common value system, you won't have enough in common to sustain it.

Oh, and you should be devoted to each other. If you're not, you'd be hard pressed to stay together for very long because one of you would always feel short-changed.

[Rose of Cairo]

Whoops! I hadn't seen your post, ZHereford. That's my answer to Ceros:

I want a relationship with him, period.

He is my equal. He's neither clingy nor needy. He doesn't have much time for me, because he's very busy with his own stuff. He's got his own projects, work, hobbies and friends. He has always been a very independent person.

The problem I'm seeing is not that he might be unhealthily devoted to me, it's more that we focus on two different things. Despite of spending a lot of time doing things unrelated to me, he considers the relationship to be the most important thing in his life, the core. He says his highest path is to be at my side. And despite of considering the relationship as something very important, I'm mentally focusing on my purpose as the most important thing in my life. My highest path is to fulfill my purpose.

How is it when in a couple one person focuses on his/her career, and the other one on the relationship/family/home? Or for instance one on his/her career, and the other one on hobbies and friends? Is it ok? Can the couple survive this way?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

if you don't want to live the same type of lifestyle and share a common value system, you won't have enough in common to sustain it.

Well, we definitely want the exact same lifestyle. As for the values, they are not exactly the same, but quite similar. The biggest difference is that he values security and I don't.

Oh, and you should be devoted to each other. If you're not, you'd be hard pressed to stay together for very long because one of you would always feel short-changed.

Am I not devoted to him just because I focus on something else? Do you think that's bad?

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Well, we definitely want the exact same lifestyle. As for the values, they are not exactly the same, but quite similar. The biggest difference is that he values security and I don't.


Am I not devoted to him just because I focus on something else? Do you think that's bad?

Can't say I have too much experience in this area but I believe if you're doing what you really love than he should be happy no matter what. If you're serving the greatest good of all and helping lots of people than thats what truly matters. Maybe talk to him and see what he thinks...? Again I can't really say I'm the best person at this, but if he does have a high regard for you he should accept your path......=/.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Am I not devoted to him just because I focus on something else? Do you think that's bad?

Yes, absolutely you can be, and no it's not bad!

Our first obligation is to ourselves and to be the best we can be. It's hard to be a good partner to anyone if you are not happy with yourself. Paradoxically, that frees you to be devoted to whatever you choose and in whichever priority.

For example your personal values could look like this:

1. Personal health and well-being.
2. Relationships - with significant other, family, friends.
3. Career/self-expression
4. Continuing education.
5. Volunteering to help others.
6. Recreation.

Your attention to your own needs does not preclude a healthy, loving and mutually devoted relationship - it enhances you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I feel that it can definitely work so long as neither of you begins to expect the other to become more like yourself. Does that make sense? He is happy being devoted to the relationship, yet understands that your priorities (while including the relationship) are otherwise. You focus on your goals while realizing that you contribute to the relationship as well. As long as neither of you is "shoulding" the other to be something they are not, I believe it can work.

[Tigerlilly]

Hm, how long have you been together?

I'm asking cause I'm not sure his focus isn't just a temporary one or that his statement is to be taken absolutely seriously.

If he's not clingy in real life then I wouldn't worry too much about his declared intention that his life only turns around you.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Give him this link and let him think it over

http://innergamereframe.com/how-to-f...-your-mission/

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Give him this link and let him think it over

Thank you Alex, but he already has a purpose: it's to stay at my side and support me in my mission. I don't want to change him in any way.

Thank you very much all for your input I've thought a bit more about that, and I've come to the conclusion that it's ok the way it is. After all, there are many couples with different focuses. As Aspiring said, as long as we don't should each other, I think there will be no problem

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

As Aspiring said, as long as we don't should each other

Hang it on your wall... instead of "Home sweet home", you could have "Don't should!"

[alexb5784]

Though your content is tailored towards men and I'm a woman, I still found your articles about having a purpose and being in a relationship to be informative

Good luck growing your blog!

[Angela]

It sounds to me like you two are in lovely harmony.

He wishes to support you in your outwardly facing focus. You give him that opportunity by focusing outwardly.

And you, by accepting his love and support and at the same time remaining a true warrior to your purpose, are supporting him in his life lesson of being growth and contribution -- you support him in that by being accepting and grateful, and also by being growth and contribution yourself. He is giving you the opportunity to learn your life lesson (one that I suspect is very challenging for you) of being generously accepting -- allowing yourself to receive.

You are giving each other the generous gift of the space to discover your infinite power, joy, and abundance. Sounds good to me.

[sonicpunk32]

Oh this sounds like a beautiful relationship. Lovely.