I feel bad... really bad

[Marco Polo]

I was sitting a public computer a while ago, and this beggar came up to me. He gave me a rose, and handed me a note. I've seen it all before - it's always a sob story about some guy who's from Kosovo and he needs money for his family etc etc. My reaction was to give back the rose straight away, and say "sorry, but I can't help you". So that's what I did.

But the guy just stayed there. He wanted me to let him use the scanner next to my computer. He made a really sad face and said "pleeease" in a sobby sort of way. At first I was going to let him, but then something inside me snapped. It's like I went completely cold. I told him "no" in a more stern voice. "I'll be really quick", he said, and then "I said PLEASE". To that I replied "yeah, well I said NO."

He sort of kicked my chair and left, looking really sad. Now I feel like crap. The other guys around me sort of gave me look and then went on with their business. That coldness I felt before dissapeared and I realized what a dick I had just been.

Now I feel like I have to make up for it somehow. I mean, the guy wasn't asking for much after all. Has anyone else had similar experiences? Where you turn really cruel for a few seconds and then regret it afterwards?

[Jamie]

I'm not so sure you we're being a dick. You're not oblidged to give anyone anything, or do things for people, just because they say PLEASE.

You escalated your NO in a polite and appropriate manner to match the intensity of his tactics to get something from you.

[ivorytickler]

Why did a begger need to use a scanner? Would it have cost you anything to have let him use it? I think I need to know why the begger was asking and what the cost would have been to you first before I can answer this one.

I tend to try to be giving with beggers. I take them at their word, which my husband hates, but I figure I'm not responsible for what they do with what I give them, I'm just responsible for what I give. I'm aware that most of them lie about their needs but there's always that one who is telling the truth. Who really does need a dollar to eat.

It's a tough call.

[Neblasian]

Good day,

He sort of kicked my chair and left, looking really sad. Now I feel like crap

If he wasn't a beggar would you still feel this way? If not you have nothing to be guilty about



Regards

[Marco Polo]

why did he need a scanner? to scan his little note and pass it around to more people, most likely.

It wouldn't have cost me anything, apart from my time and the annoyance of having some guy hanging around me (and figuring out new ways to ask me for money or favors).

When I think back I probably did the right thing, but I still can't help feeling bad about it. You should've seen the face he made, like he was about to cry. Good actor, I suppose.

[Lauxa]

He was using his unhappiness to try to manipulate you into getting a favor. If you had given him the favor, you would have reinforced his belief that they way to get what you want is to be unhappy. Would that have really been in his best interest?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Where you turn really cruel for a few seconds and then regret it afterwards?

Yes, I had, I can relate to your story.

Once I was sitting in a café and a beggar came to ask me for some change. Usually I always give them something, when I have something that is, I'm pretty much broke too But this time, I said no and I still don't understand why. Just like in your story, he was saying "pleeeeease" with a face like a sad dog. I got very cold inside and said NO with a cutting voice and a dangerous glance. I felt bad too afterwards... I still don't know what exactly happened.

[Fullcrum]

I think his neediness brought out the worst inside you (to Marco and Rose).

Those are the times to remain present and in the now, not to emotionally react to their neediness. Whatever the right action is for the situation will come out.

Escalating was fine. But you shouldn't feel crap inside or something. Don't reinforce to him that neediness is the way to gain favors from others.

This has worked fine for me the few times beggers have asked me for money.