Family problems

[coLLege kid07]

Right now I've come to a point in my life where I must let go of clinging on to family members. In my opinion it seems that my mother and also possibly my brother have some big pain bodies when it comes to this issue; but nevertheless, I have avoided this confrontation awhile, and now I feel I have the strength to deal with it. First off, though I want to just ask the people on these boards what is their view of a family? What kind of values do you have in regards to family (if any at all), and how do you see a healthy family relationship? Lastly I wanted to mention that some of the issues I'm having with family members are somewhat in regards to what they do. For example, smoking, alcohol, some of their friends ect. But nevertheless I have the deepest love for them I can give.

Oh and if you are just looking to flame me than please just realise that you really have no idea who I am. The only perspective you get of me is the one I type on message boards, and believe me if you think that's enough to tell about a person than you are way wrong. Oh and keep your negative perceptions to yourself Thanks.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Families, for a lot of people are difficult to let go of. A LOT of people use the excuse "but it's my family" for why they put up with so much crap from them. They will even project onto you when you are deciding to let one of them go that you should hold onto them because "they are your family"

My view is family is just like everyone else and needs to be treated with the same standards I treat for everyone else. Not everyone has nice family members that are healthy for them. As well, blood doesn't determine family. A family can be anyone who loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

So, in order to determine whether or not I was going to get rid of a family member I would ask myself "would I tolerate this behavior from a friend?" If the answers no, then I wouldn't from a family member just because they are family.

I understand your situation. My girlfriend had to get rid of her immediate family because of destructive they were to her. It was rough on her for a while but it has made her so much stronger and happier in the end.

Good luck to you

[Neblasian]

Good day,

I just want you to know that there are alot of people including myself going through the same issue as you. For me, I gave up on trying to control my family and decided to just control myself. This saved me alot of stress. No matter what you do they will never change, just state your bounderies and that's it. If you have to move out do so. In additional; there is no ideal "what a family should be", there is only "when i get a family what it will be". Use this experience to teach you how you will run your family when you get married.


Regards

[blazer1]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Right now I've come to a point in my life where I must let go of clinging on to family members. In my opinion it seems that my mother and also possibly my brother have some big pain bodies when it comes to this issue; but nevertheless, I have avoided this confrontation awhile, and now I feel I have the strength to deal with it. First off, though I want to just ask the people on these boards what is their view of a family? What kind of values do you have in regards to family (if any at all), and how do you see a healthy family relationship? Lastly I wanted to mention that some of the issues I'm having with family members are somewhat in regards to what they do. For example, smoking, alcohol, some of their friends ect. But nevertheless I have the deepest love for them I can give.

Oh and if you are just looking to flame me than please just realise that you really have no idea who I am. The only perspective you get of me is the one I type on message boards, and believe me if you think that's enough to tell about a person than you are way wrong. Oh and keep your negative perceptions to yourself Thanks.

First of all what is 'pain bodies' ? and where did you pick that up from?

But towards your question: your family will do what they do. you will have influence on what they do to an extent ... but in the end they make their own decisions.

The best thing to do (I have learned through similar experience) is to live your own life and understand your family will not be what you expect them to be.

So in other words ... lead by example ... and don't have any expectations.

Why spend so much time stressing over your family when you can spend that amount of time laughing and having fun?

If they see you having fun by behaving xyz'like ... then perhaps they may even follow your actions.

I think you need to 'grow out of your family'.


And BTW, if your family was truly unhappy, to a point where they were depressed ... they will not be doing what they do. They must be somewhat happy to continue their habits. So dont worry if you feel because you are unhappy, they must be unhappy too. if you dig.

[ns123]

It is unclear what it is you are wanting advice on. Do you want to cut off all contact with your family because they are living an unhealthy lifestyle? Or did they offend you or betray you in some way? Or are you wanting advice on how to get them to adopt a healthier lifestyle?

Sorry, I am a bit confused on what it is you are seeking.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by ns123

It is unclear what it is you are wanting advice on. Do you want to cut off all contact with your family because they are living an unhealthy lifestyle? Or did they offend you or betray you in some way? Or are you wanting advice on how to get them to adopt a healthier lifestyle?

Sorry, I am a bit confused on what it is you are seeking.

I'm seeking how to get myself out of this pattern...and achieve what I truly want.

Oh and pain body is just another way of saying bad negative energy or a negative aura persay.

[ns123]

coLLege kid07,

I think I've answered other questions from you in another post before. Strange that I am somehow drawn to what you write. I just realized that the other post was written by you.

It's kind of uncanny, because I think my life was a lot like yours. I have several family members whom I love dearly, but who are also very bad negative energy. Total utter failure would be a gross understatement. This used to bother me quite greatly - that they refuse to change their life. In fact, I almost allowed myself to give up my soul trying to "save" one of them. Literally.

But what I later realized is, I can't change some one, I can't make them change. I can only accept who they are and change myself, or my situation. I ended up kicking out the member whom I almost lost my soul for. (I almost allowed him to ruin my wonderful marriage) This was done with great pain and anguish, I didn't want to give up on him, but I had to, because he had given up on himself.

What helped me is that I limit my contact with these family members. When we talk, we talk of pleasant inconsequential things. I encourage them and praise them for good things in their life. Express regret when they tell me things that are negative - and of course, it's always some one else's fault. Which almost always makes me mad... but you know what? What can I do about it? Absolutely nothing.

I know this is hard to do since you live with these family members. But learn how to cope. Make your own space beautiful, organized, positive. You still have to share other spaces with your family, but accept that it will be that way. Then go back into your sanctuary of your own room.

Breathing helps me. Talking it out with someone helps me. Ranting helps me. Don't deny your anger, your pain, your regret, feel it, then let it go. That's the best piece of advice I've read about, and it works for me. The more you do this, the easier it will become to recognize and then let go of those negative emotions in the future.

Basically, how I deal: I've accepted them. I've accepted that my relationship with these negative siblings is the best it's gonna get until they decide to pull themselves out of their depression. It will be shallow and we will never be "close." But that's ok. There is no rule book that says your relationship with your family should always be close and full of roses.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by ns123

coLLege kid07,

I think I've answered other questions from you in another post before. Strange that I am somehow drawn to what you write. I just realized that the other post was written by you.

It's kind of uncanny, because I think my life was a lot like yours. I have several family members whom I love dearly, but who are also very bad negative energy. Total utter failure would be a gross understatement. This used to bother me quite greatly - that they refuse to change their life. In fact, I almost allowed myself to give up my soul trying to "save" one of them. Literally.

But what I later realized is, I can't change some one, I can't make them change. I can only accept who they are and change myself, or my situation. I ended up kicking out the member whom I almost lost my soul for. (I almost allowed him to ruin my wonderful marriage) This was done with great pain and anguish, I didn't want to give up on him, but I had to, because he had given up on himself.

What helped me is that I limit my contact with these family members. When we talk, we talk of pleasant inconsequential things. I encourage them and praise them for good things in their life. Express regret when they tell me things that are negative - and of course, it's always some one else's fault. Which almost always makes me mad... but you know what? What can I do about it? Absolutely nothing.

I know this is hard to do since you live with these family members. But learn how to cope. Make your own space beautiful, organized, positive. You still have to share other spaces with your family, but accept that it will be that way. Then go back into your sanctuary of your own room.

Breathing helps me. Talking it out with someone helps me. Ranting helps me. Don't deny your anger, your pain, your regret, feel it, then let it go. That's the best piece of advice I've read about, and it works for me. The more you do this, the easier it will become to recognize and then let go of those negative emotions in the future.

Basically, how I deal: I've accepted them. I've accepted that my relationship with these negative siblings is the best it's gonna get until they decide to pull themselves out of their depression. It will be shallow and we will never be "close." But that's ok. There is no rule book that says your relationship with your family should always be close and full of roses.

Hey thanks NS I appreciate your advice. Yea I see now that I can't change them at all and decided that I just will have to deal with it. I guess at the same time I've been searching for people that I can relate to on a deeper level, but until that time I'll just keep living life and enjoying what I have Thanks again.

[freestate]

This is a relevant issue for me as well.

coLLege kid07, I'm curious as to what obligations they currently assume of you, and what you'd like to change those obligations to, or even remove them.

For instance do they demand that you be at a certain place with them every 4th of July. How much freedom are you granted?

I once read a quote that being a man isn't something you're given, it's something you take. Something along those lines.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by freestate

This is a relevant issue for me as well.

coLLege kid07, I'm curious as to what obligations they currently assume of you, and what you'd like to change those obligations to, or even remove them.

For instance do they demand that you be at a certain place with them every 4th of July. How much freedom are you granted?

I once read a quote that being a man isn't something you're given, it's something you take. Something along those lines.

I've found out that the bottom line is there are some things you have to do. For example sleep, eat, and/or quite possibly spend the holiday with your parents. For some of these obligations or w/e I just accept that the reason I'm doing it is for them (my parents) not really myself. I mean I could move out and live on my own if I wanted to...but then that would lead to things like being broke, living on the street, and no college so I guess it's just about accepting some of those things even if you care less. Besides they are giving you a home. =/ However on the contrary, If you do although feel you really need to get out..then go for it. It's all about what you think and what you should do. It's about following your path...no one elses Good luck