Problem with my girlfriend

[asgeirtj]

I have been with my girlfriend for 17 months. She has always been a very busy person so we don't get together too often. We meet once per week on average. She is a very independant person and she says that she doesn't need very much affection and doesn't get lonely even if she's alone a lot. I, on the other hand am more affectionate and feel the need to see her more. When I haven't met her for a long time i get semi-deppressed, which is the case right now. But I feel like I'm her dog and that I'm always jumping up to her but she only shows me attention when she feels like. She very rarely has the initiative to meet with me, it's always me who starts talking about meeting up. I did a test on this the other day and it took her 1.5 weeks to talk about meeting up and then I felt it was more of an obligatory task for her rather than she really wanted to meet me. Also, she is naturally very „unhorny“ so she doesn‘t have the initiative to have sex ever, very often saying she too to do it when we go to sleep. And I‘m a 19 year old male! Of course I‘m very horny. What do you all think I should do? I‘ve told her that I need to meet her more often and she knows I‘m often very horny but she doesn‘t want to fix that. She does care though, but she thinks doing her own things is more important and is not going to change that. I feel like I'm much more into her then she is into me. What do you all think I should do?

[robc]

She is pretty much leading you whereever she wants and the feeling that you get that she is only being physically intimate with you because she feels like she has to be is pretty much a strong indicator to you that it is exactly like that.

I'm not telling you to break up with her, I don't think anyone should tell you who you can or can't be with.

But since you're into experiments (as per your post), why not try another.

Limit your contact with her. Stop calling, stop emailing, stop asking her when she wants to be with you next. She knows she can basically have you over anytime she wants and right now it pleases her that you only see each other infrequently.

You may say to yourself, how does that help you if you limit contact with her?
Well currently she controls when you see each other - do you like that? Is that making you feel good?

You've been together for 17 months and she really isn't into you, she doesn't mind being alone and she doesn't feel lonely? Maybe she might be giving you subtle hints that she doesn't want to be with you. I can't read her mind so I may be totally wrong here but those are some signals.

Do you think it's possible she is with someone else? Seeing her once a week or once every 2 weeks, is it possible she may be seeing someone else during that time?

Have you spoken with any of her friends? Was she like this when she first met you and you first hooked up together? Or did you date & see each other more regularly when you first started seeing each other and it then progressed to rarely/infrequently seeing each other.

So many questions to ask about this, if you're willing to give some more feedback, I'm sure a few of us would be willing to submit a few responses to you on this topic.

[Alexjstrandberg]

She could be cheating on you. Those are some pretty big signs of a girl who isn't too faithful. Or you could have been the other guy for this whole time (some people are absolute masters when it comes to living double lives)

does she seem less than enthusiastic when she does finally see you? more like she is putting her time in and punching the clock when she is around you?

Do you make plans to meet up and then she bails on you for some reason? and do you get a nasty feeling in your stomach when she does?

are you always calling her?

People who want to see one another go out of their way to find time for one another unless there isn't a strong desire to see the other person.

On the other hand she could just have a really closed heart or both. Lack of affection could happen for two reasons: you have killed the attraction or her heart is very closed. Could be both. Does she like animals?

Relationships, if you are teaching her her what you are learning, need time to grow. I believe there is no real point to a relationship if you aren't going to spend time with one another.

[asgeirtj]

Originally Posted by robc

Well currently she controls when you see each other - do you like that? Is that making you feel good?

No it doesn't, I can't share the alpha status with her but I think it should be more divided.

Originally Posted by robc

You've been together for 17 months and she really isn't into you, she doesn't mind being alone and she doesn't feel lonely?

I think she says this though because she is pretty much never alone, she is always doing something which involves other people plus she has two dogs and a cat

Originally Posted by robc

Maybe she might be giving you subtle hints that she doesn't want to be with you. I can't read her mind so I may be totally wrong here but those are some signals.

Yeah It's possible, but I'm constantly denying myself that thought because my life would fall apart without her

Originally Posted by robc

Do you think it's possible she is with someone else? Seeing her once a week or once every 2 weeks, is it possible she may be seeing someone else during that time?

No I think that's unlikely, because she is a very nice girl, christian and whatnot. And her alibis are very real (she has been doing a lot of school work and work relating to dogs). I don't completely rule it out though.

Originally Posted by robc

Have you spoken with any of her friends? Was she like this when she first met you and you first hooked up together? Or did you date & see each other more regularly when you first started seeing each other and it then progressed to rarely/infrequently seeing each other.

It has always been like this because she is so busy so this isn't a new thing

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

She could be cheating on you. Those are some pretty big signs of a girl who isn't too faithful. Or you could have been the other guy for this whole time (some people are absolute masters when it comes to living double lives)

see answer above

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

does she seem less than enthusiastic when she does finally see you? more like she is putting her time in and punching the clock when she is around you?

Yes! when i knock on the door after not meeting her for more than a week then she just says hi, kisses me a short kiss and doesn't even smile.

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Do you make plans to meet up and then she bails on you for some reason? and do you get a nasty feeling in your stomach when she does?

she almost never bails on me no

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

are you always calling her?

Not as much as much as I did, got sick that she was always on the receiving end

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

People who want to see one another go out of their way to find time for one another unless there isn't a strong desire to see the other person.

That's a fact I've been contemplating lately actually, I think it's totally right and really raises the fact that she isn't psyched about me

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

On the other hand she could just have a really closed heart or both. Lack of affection could happen for two reasons: you have killed the attraction or her heart is very closed. Could be both. Does she like animals?

Yes she absolutely LOVES animals! She has 2 dogs and 1 cat and is getting the 3rd dog now. She has had dogs since childhood and been breeding them. Her life pretty much revolves around dogs and other animals, she's actually prepping really hard right now for a dog show this weekend. Sometimes I think she is much more psyched about the dogs than me :P

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Relationships, if you are teaching her her what you are learning, need time to grow

I don't understand this sentence :P

So.. Say if do the experiment again, with no contact whatsoever. We text message each other on the phone each night saying good night, and she calls me every other day on average. How should I respond to those calls and messages? If I don't she will ask me if anything is wrong then i will say that I think she isn't showing me enough attention. She will answer to that "but I have all these things to do and i want to KEEP ON doing them, I don't really have a problem meeting you so seldom and living sex free isn't a problem either".
This is the problem so I guess my choice is, live with it or break it up? What could I say to this girl?

[JSB]

Maybe you two just have very different needs for affection & attention. She may be satisfying her emotional & sexual needs by only seeing you ocassionally, whereas you need more frequency and intimacy.

If this is the case, I think it could be very difficult to make the relationship work long-term.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice.

[robc]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

So.. Say if do the experiment again, with no contact whatsoever. We text message each other on the phone each night saying good night, and she calls me every other day on average. How should I respond to those calls and messages? If I don't she will ask me if anything is wrong then i will say that I think she isn't showing me enough attention. She will answer to that "but I have all these things to do and i want to KEEP ON doing them, I don't really have a problem meeting you so seldom and living sex free isn't a problem either".
This is the problem so I guess my choice is, live with it or break it up? What could I say to this girl?

Limit your contact. Don't text her - don't initiate them is what I mean, only reply to her texts and keep them brief just in case you normally texted longer message, keep it brief like "K, bye" or "K, good nite". If you talk on the phone, don't call her, let her call you especially if you're the one who normally calls her. And if & when she does call, keep it brief, don't talk about the relationship and just answer her questions, you can be friendly but don't over invest yourself in the conversation.

As for things that she currently likes doing, no one is stopping her from doing them and don't ever tell her that she has to stop. That's her decision not yours, we can't control anything except for ourselves, heck control itself is largely an illusion. But you must convey that you're happy as you are. Another thing, you're life will not collapse without her, common misconception and everyone goes through that, it's painful but you will get through it. You say she's into dogs/animals, are you into those things? Is there some way you can get involved in those things if they do interest you? It could be a way to show her that you're interested in her, maybe she believes that you're only interested in a physical relationship? This is just a guess, I really don't have an idea, only you can find out by actually talking to her.

Whatever you do, you need to start feeling good about yourself, you have value, you need to start boosting your self-esteem, if you attracted one girl and got into a relationship, you can definitely do it again. You need to start showing yourself and everyone around you that you have a good life. If you're girlfriend wants to be part of it, she will let you know and she will be more active in it but if she says that your once a week/every 2 weeks relationship is good enough for her, you have to ask yourself if it's really good enough for you and if it isn't should you continue feeling that it's not good enough and unsatisfied or should you start contemplating leaving this relationship and looking for something more fulfilling.

Bro, you're 19 years old, the world is your oyster literally, you have long life ahead of you. If she doesn't want to be part of your life and and show some interest & active involvement in this relationship, you're better knowing it now so that you can cut your losses instead of investing yourself more into a relationship that isn't getting any better.

Just remember, you have value, you are worth it, if she doesn't think so maybe it's because you're putting it out there that you don't think you're worth it either. Limiting your contact isn't just to draw her into you, it's about you realizing you have value and that you shouldn't be investing your personal resources (time, energy, affection, emotion, etc.) into something that isn't mutually beneficial. If you invest less of yourself into her by reducing contact with someone who doesn't want to be with you, you have more left over to invest in yourself, believe me, it's worth it.

[Alexjstrandberg]

What I meant by that sentence is relationships will stagnate if both of you aren't growing together. One way both of you can grow is by you teaching her what you are learning on this website and being on the same path of improvement. In order to grow, there needs to be a good amount of time spent with each other.

If it were me, I would break up with her. It seems like she is way too busy for a relationship as well not very interested in having one. She would be better off having something more casual.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

Yeah It's possible, but I'm constantly denying myself that thought because my life would fall apart without her

This really jumped out at me. As an independent woman who really enjoys her alone time, if I were involved with a man who believes his life would fall apart without me, I would let him go with love. And when I was 19, I didn't have the self-awareness to do that boldly and generously -- I would have probably behaved the way your girl is behaving, hoping he would take the hint. (I hereby apologize to the men I dated when I was 19.)

I think you would be wise to go find a pair and a spare of interesting, interested women to date.

[Neblasian]

Hi asgeirtj,

I think you should click on Alexjstrandberg's link it offers some great advice.



Regards

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

my life would fall apart without her

This is disturbing.

I think you should be single for a while until you are comfortable enough with your own life that you never develop this kind of attachment to another person.

If you choose to stay with her, you'll have to live with her style of relationship. She seems to be a busy person, filling her life with all sorts of things she wants to do. You should do the same. If your life is full and active, you won't need anything from her, she'll just be a bonus when she is around.

[Ceros]

Somehow I suspect that if I ever get into a relationship I'd end up relating to my partner exactly the way your girlfriend does to you.

[sel206]

I think what you are experiencing is an imbalance. I agree with other posters who say that you should reduce your "forwardness" with her, BUT DO communicate the fact that you FEEL this way about your relationship with her.

Whilst doing that, find your life passion (other than your gf). Develop yourself, maybe spiritually? maybe other ways? Its not a good thing that your life should fall apart if she left you. Yes i know it is very painful, but life is so amazing, so beautiful, even that pain is a beauty in itself, with this gratitude you can conquer anything (excuse my bad spelling).

I reccomend you focus more on yourself, and inner development, make new friends, start a new exercise program, gain muscle, lose fat, get fitter, get busy and enjoy all SIDES OF LIFE, not just love , even tho its an amazing side of life too. But you will find that everything will balance.

Why bother wasting time in a negative state, do something with yourself. Build yourself, your girl, among other girls will come running to you.

Remember, always stay positive, but dont fool yourself, and always COMMUNICATE your feelings. But dont be always "available" for her, even too much gold in the jewel industry, reduces the actual value of gold, thats why businesses try to control its supply to keep it "expensive" and "valueable". Be that valuable RARE gold.

Best of luck.

[Alexjstrandberg]

"my life would fall apart without her"

how have you been living all those years before you met her?

[asgeirtj]

Thanks for really good and inspiring responses!

I said my life would fall apart without her because she is the only person i know which is not a degenerate.

[Ceros]

she is the only person i know which is not a degenerate.

That made me laugh so much.

Way to set the bar too high, no?

[asgeirtj]

hehe yeah it was an gross overstatement but my dad is an alcoholic, my mom and brother depressed, my brother 4 years older than me but has done less schooling than me and my best friend is a semi-depressed public hater.

[asgeirtj]

sorry about the degenerate statement that wasn't fair and i was in a bad mood.

But me and my girlfriend broke up today. She said she didn't function in a relationship, she hated commitments, she wants to be free and without a schedule and a pressure to meet someone consinstently. She said that i was the perfect boyfriend, cute, smart, fun and her family loves me. But she wasn't mature enough to function in a relationship (she's 19). She still wants to be friends and i said that's ok, she can call me but I don't want to meet her. She also said that she wanted to at least be **** bodies. I don't know about that. Because i couldn't stand meeting her and being so crazy about her i would just feel very sad. Don't you lot think that's logical? We parted very nicely with a hug and a cry so we are on good terms. But I think I need to stop thinking about her and go on with my life, I have to let her completely go emotionally, I can't be thinking "what if some day". I am glad that it's over but also very sad, but I'll live, kind of .

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

I have been with my girlfriend for 17 months. She has always been a very busy person so we don't get together too often. We meet once per week on average. She is a very independant person and she says that she doesn't need very much affection and doesn't get lonely even if she's alone a lot. I, on the other hand am more affectionate and feel the need to see her more. When I haven't met her for a long time i get semi-deppressed, which is the case right now. But I feel like I'm her dog and that I'm always jumping up to her but she only shows me attention when she feels like. She very rarely has the initiative to meet with me, it's always me who starts talking about meeting up. I did a test on this the other day and it took her 1.5 weeks to talk about meeting up and then I felt it was more of an obligatory task for her rather than she really wanted to meet me. Also, she is naturally very „unhorny“ so she doesn‘t have the initiative to have sex ever, very often saying she too to do it when we go to sleep. And I‘m a 19 year old male! Of course I‘m very horny. What do you all think I should do? I‘ve told her that I need to meet her more often and she knows I‘m often very horny but she doesn‘t want to fix that. She does care though, but she thinks doing her own things is more important and is not going to change that. I feel like I'm much more into her then she is into me. What do you all think I should do?

You're 19 tell her you want to see other people. I've seen this scenario over and over and, I'm sorry but, it just doesn't look good. Go out and play the field. Don't play games. If she won't tell you why she's blah, move on. You're 19. The chances of her being "the one" are like .0001%.

[robc]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

sorry about the degenerate statement that wasn't fair and i was in a bad mood.

But me and my girlfriend broke up today. She said she didn't function in a relationship, she hated commitments, she wants to be free and without a schedule and a pressure to meet someone consinstently. She said that i was the perfect boyfriend, cute, smart, fun and her family loves me. But she wasn't mature enough to function in a relationship (she's 19). She still wants to be friends and i said that's ok, she can call me but I don't want to meet her. She also said that she wanted to at least be **** bodies. I don't know about that. Because i couldn't stand meeting her and being so crazy about her i would just feel very sad. Don't you lot think that's logical? We parted very nicely with a hug and a cry so we are on good terms. But I think I need to stop thinking about her and go on with my life, I have to let her completely go emotionally, I can't be thinking "what if some day". I am glad that it's over but also very sad, but I'll live, kind of .

... And chances are, you'll do even better with the next one, you're very young, the world is your oyster (that's if you like oysters!)

Just remember this, you were in a relationship with a woman, that means you are a dominant, attractive male - that's good news, that means your chances of success with another woman are very high because you have the potential to attract a new partner.

To tell you the truth, being **** buddies isn't all that it's cracked up to be especially if you have somewhat of an emotional attachment to your ex. It gets messy, lines get blurred and especially with men, a few sessions of that and you believe the relationship still exists and then you're rudely awakened and shown the door and told "see ya next week"

Not a good thing, I would say no to it but if you have to learn on your own and apparently alot of people do (human nature), try it and see how you can handle it.

Another thing... YOU WILL LIVE!!!
- Count on it!

[driven1]

Dude, I'm sorry for any bad feelings you're going through, but honestly you did good. Now go out and be the man you want to be. If you need to upgrade your friends, then upgrade your friends. This is all completely up to you. I believe a man's success with women depends entirely on this one question**: Are you the man that you want to be?

** Taking women out of the picture, I mean. You absolutely cannot rely on a woman as the source of your self-esteem and happiness. First of all, it's too much pressure to put on another person, and secondly if they leave, you're hosed.