I turn people on and off and they don't like it

[Ceros]

It seems that I only approach the people around me when I 'need' something from them and completely ignore their existence or needs when I don't.

When I say 'need' I don't necessarily mean in the way that "can I borrow your car?", but say I'm feeling bored and lonely - I'll call up a friend and go out with him, but so long as I'm feeling happy by myself it's as if that friend doesn't even exist - most of the time I won't even bother with his phone calls / e-mails. (Mind you I'm using the word "friend" loosely - I don't really have any real friends when it comes to that)

This sort of behavior isn't limited to friends only - My current employment is through an agency which gives me temporary assignments within different organisations. And whenever they give me an assignment that I don't feel like doing instead of politely refusing it or warning them that I'll be busy on that day in advance, I just ignore them altogether until they find someone else for it.

And until recently I never realized that my actions damaged anyone - I simply never deemed it necessary to consider their point of view.

So I guess my question is: how do I become more aware of the needs of others? How can I learn what their expectations for me are, and then not dismiss this knowledge a few moments later?

[blazer1]

when you ignore others, and act selfishly ... you are painting a picture of yourself as someone who is selfish and doesnt care about anyone else.

there is nothing wrong with this, but you need to be smarter and create the illusion that you Do care about others.

This may mean you have to from time to time do things you dont want to, in order to uphold or create the image you are not so selfish.

i totally understand your problem.

so just be strategic, pick those things in life that take the least amount of effort, but have great returns in terms of creating the image of yourself as you are someone who Does care about others.


if you get me.


interesting post.

[garentee]

there is nothing wrong with this, but you need to be smarter and create the illusion that you Do care about others.

I have a problem with this solution. It seems like why pretend to care about someone when you can actually dig a whole lot deeper and get some real value out of people. People will see anything short of this as fake.. I know I do. The idea is to look at what and who you have around you and imagine what it would be like if you lost it. If you do that you then see the stunning amount that you have to lose and will naturally care about those that you find important to you. It is a big undertaking but in the end it is very very uplifting and beneficial to yourself and others around you. My $.02.G

[blazer1]

Originally Posted by garentee

there is nothing wrong with this, but you need to be smarter and create the illusion that you Do care about others.

I have a problem with this solution. It seems like why pretend to care about someone when you can actually dig a whole lot deeper and get some real value out of people. People will see anything short of this as fake.. I know I do. The idea is to look at what and who you have around you and imagine what it would be like if you lost it. If you do that you then see the stunning amount that you have to lose and will naturally care about those that you find important to you. It is a big undertaking but in the end it is very very uplifting and beneficial to yourself and others around you. My $.02.G

perhaps this person is beyond everyone else and cannot see any value in anyone else? people like this do exist.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by blazer1

perhaps this person is beyond everyone else and cannot see any value in anyone else? people like this do exist.

That is certainly a possibility, I really had not thought about that as that is not congruent with my reality. I still do think that everyone has something to offer... it just depends weather we are open to receive it.

[The Cloud]

Don't bother, people don't even know what they want, so living up to their expectations is just self-sacrifice to a demon of undefined desire. What people really want is for you to be what you are, and to give them permission to stop playing the expectation game and just be themselves. Your actions don't damage anyone (unless you are actually physically hurting people), they merely give people excuses to damage themselves. People's feelings originate in themselves, and you can't spend your life catering to the irrationality of their system of suffering, because no matter what somebody will always feel hurt by what you do and say. If you can exist as you are and have your needs met, then do so. If you want something more, then go for it, nobody is stopping you from trying but yourself.

If you want more in-depth friendships, then respond to their phone-calls and e-mails. It's that simple to get started. When they communicate with you, you are expected to communicate back. If you want to meet their expectations, then do so. If you keep forgetting, then make a schedule and pencil them into it. Even if your response is that you don't want the job, or don't want to go out for a drink, you are at least responding.

[blazer1]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Don't bother, people don't even know what they want, so living up to their expectations is just self-sacrifice to a demon of undefined desire. What people really want is for you to be what you are, and to give them permission to stop playing the expectation game and just be themselves. Your actions don't damage anyone (unless you are actually physically hurting people), they merely give people excuses to damage themselves. People's feelings originate in themselves, and you can't spend your life catering to the irrationality of their system of suffering, because no matter what somebody will always feel hurt by what you do and say. If you can exist as you are and have your needs met, then do so. If you want something more, then go for it, nobody is stopping you from trying but yourself.

If you want more in-depth friendships, then respond to their phone-calls and e-mails. It's that simple to get started. When they communicate with you, you are expected to communicate back. If you want to meet their expectations, then do so. If you keep forgetting, then make a schedule and pencil them into it. Even if your response is that you don't want the job, or don't want to go out for a drink, you are at least responding.

right on!

[garentee]

I get the concept and it makes more sense to me now.

[Ceros]

Thanks for the replies, everyone, they have been quite helpful.

I have a new theory about friendship and social networks that I'm planning on trying out when I finish moving within the next few weeks. I'm quite excited about it as it may give me some insight on why I have never been able to connect with people up to now.

perhaps this person is beyond everyone else and cannot see any value in anyone else? people like this do exist.

Heh, I can't help but to think that sarcasm was involved. This was called the God Realm in Buddhist philosophy, no?

Don't me wrong, I love myself above everyone else, and if I could become anyone else in the world, I would still choose to be myself. And I certainly intend to become the greatest being in the world.

But I have no delusions on where I am right now. I have a lot to learn. There are billions of people in the world whose skills, knowledge or emotional mastery are better than mine.

While I fully intend to surpass each and every one of them, I have no misplaced arrogance on somehow being inherently "better" than them. Simply put, we all have different ambitions and desires in life.

If you live a fulfilled life, then even if I was God in person, who am I to say that my life is better than yours?