Could someone who is NOT socially awkward...

[Lauxa]

please describe a night of mixing and mingling with a group of acquaintances and strangers?

What I usually do is walk into the room and head straight for the food/drinks because it seems the safest place. Once my hands are occupied, I scan the room and see people talking in groups of 2 or 3 or more. I look for the person I am most familiar with and if they are free I might go and say hello and talk for a minute or two. If there are tables set out, I look for an empty table and sit down. The whole time I am radiating extreme discomfort and anxiety. Meeting new people is a huge stressor.

If I have kids, the situation is compounded by trying to run after them. On the one hand, it keeps me from being totally alone, but on the other hand even if I do manage to get a nice conversation going I can be assured that it will be short-lived because I will have to break away to chase little ones.

Usually I stay more-or-less with the same person the whole time. Once I develop even a hint of rapport with one person, I find it extremely hard to break away and seek new relationships. Sometimes I do, but then I feel that I am being rude to the original person, and usually don't find other people to talk with and end up drifting around aimlessly the whole time.

I am trying to imagine doing better, but getting a little stuck since I have so little experience in this area. I can get as far as walking into the room, head held high and radiating confidence. People notice me and think "Who is that? I'd sure like to meet her." And then... nothing... my imagination is drawing a blank.

Maybe there is a scene in a movie that would be applicable for fleshing out my imagination?

[Fullcrum]

Instead of trying to micromanage your responses or control your actions, become totally relaxed, enter a very good state where you are FEELING GOOD and operating on the level of feeling good, not on thinking or micromanaging.

You want flow state. You want to be in state - and you won't get it through walking on eggshells trying to control everything.

I'm a dude (are you a woman?) but I make myself feel really good (if I'm not already), which turns off the mental commentary, then I just smile to myself and let my eyes go really relaxed. Then I approach whatever my body takes me. Think of it like your body is leading you. Think with your feeling, not with your mind.

This will eliminate your thoughts of being rude, of neediness for people, of needines for approval.

Imagine Tony Robbins in a crowd. Or Brad Pitt. Or...just maybe...imagine yourself being really awesome, feeling really good, just being totally relaxed and saying the first thing that comes to mind.

For it does not matter what you say. At all.

I've had to run after kids and watch them, too. If you're a fun person, they'll be more likely to stick to you .

You don't have to imagine anything. Just feel really awesome, just incredible and then talk to the first person you feel in your view. You know that you WANT to talk to them, and by feeling good you are giving value and helping others feel good. You are naturally social.

This was detailed. The quick version is "The body demands expression," as in, whatever is in you DEMANDs expression, and who are you to deny the body? Hence you just talk to people.

[Angela]

Lauxa, you might want to try forgetting about how wonderful you are, and practice a focus on how loveable, interesting, and vital the people in the room are.

When you hold such a focus in your mind, your self-consciousness fades away and people become magnetized to you. Many people feel reluctant to introduce themselves and will be grateful to you for taking the initiative.

As for your kids, they're a blessing, because they give you an automatic move-on cue.

I don't like to head straight for the bar & buffet when I first arrive. I'll usually go straight to the host, say hello and ask him if there's anyone I would especially enjoy meeting and why. Then I can go up to that stranger and say, "Our host asked me to introduce myself to you because we both spent time in the Algarve (practice nude yoga, have sisters in the army, grew up in hippie communes, are interested in personal development, etc.)

[Lauxa]

I think maybe my first post was misunderstood a bit. I am trying to implement the techniques in Steve's post on Feeling Blessed. So I am trying to imagine, in as much detail as possible, what it would be like to have a totally awesome experience mixing and mingling with acquaintances and strangers.

Thanks Fullcrum, I think I have a little better idea of how to play it better. Yes I am a woman. I only wish I could imagine Tony Robbins working a crowd, as I said my imagination is drawing a blank which is why I started this thread.

Angela, I like your idea of talking to the host first when that is possible. I know that hitting the buffet first thing is not very cool, and that is why I am trying to get ideas of how to do it better. I also know that focusing on how wonderful I am is not going to score me many points, but this is my fantasy and in my fantasy of course everyone thinks I am wonderful. Also, this is the only good thing I can visualize right now and I'm not going to let you take it away from me! However, I would like to flesh out the fantasy a little, to the point where I am connecting with some of the other wonderful people.

Right now I have basically one recurring social event, which is church each week. I see the minister always has a receiving line, which I always avoid. I feel totally overwhelmed by all the people chatting in the coffee line after the service, even though I have met a few of them. I sometimes strike up a conversation with some of the other parents hanging out at the playground, then I feel embarrassed the next week when I can't remember their names.

Ack. I hate to keep writing about how I am doing everything wrong. Maybe I'll have some new ideas after I sleep on it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

... this is the only good thing I can visualize right now and I'm not going to let you take it away from me!

Wait a second, is this that anger thing happening again?

You go right on ahead with your fantasy. It's just my experience socially that when I generate interest, fascination, love, and connection for others, people are magnetically drawn to me, and when I'm focusing on myself (negatively or positively) it doesn't work.

I used to be horribly, painfully shy, and 99.999% of my shyness was self-consciousness. When I bagged the self-consciousness, magic happened.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

please describe a night of mixing and mingling with a group of acquaintances and strangers?

What I usually do is walk into the room and head straight for the food/drinks because it seems the safest place. Once my hands are occupied, I scan the room and see people talking in groups of 2 or 3 or more. I look for the person I am most familiar with and if they are free I might go and say hello and talk for a minute or two. If there are tables set out, I look for an empty table and sit down. The whole time I am radiating extreme discomfort and anxiety. Meeting new people is a huge stressor.

If I have kids, the situation is compounded by trying to run after them. On the one hand, it keeps me from being totally alone, but on the other hand even if I do manage to get a nice conversation going I can be assured that it will be short-lived because I will have to break away to chase little ones.

Usually I stay more-or-less with the same person the whole time. Once I develop even a hint of rapport with one person, I find it extremely hard to break away and seek new relationships. Sometimes I do, but then I feel that I am being rude to the original person, and usually don't find other people to talk with and end up drifting around aimlessly the whole time.

I am trying to imagine doing better, but getting a little stuck since I have so little experience in this area. I can get as far as walking into the room, head held high and radiating confidence. People notice me and think "Who is that? I'd sure like to meet her." And then... nothing... my imagination is drawing a blank.

Maybe there is a scene in a movie that would be applicable for fleshing out my imagination?

Maybe that's not what you "really" want. If you truly wanted it I'm not sure if you'd be denied by your own emotions. Maybe I'm totally off the mark but what do you think?

[niche]

Oh no, I think that's really what she wants. At least from my point of view Lauxa is having the same personal feelings more or less that I have upon entering a crowd or group of people. I think I like what Angela is saying. Also, in a sense, if you're focusing on other people, then you're not focusing on all the poor self talk going on in your head about how you should or shouldn't have done this or that. It's a start.

[Lauxa]

Hey everybody, I think I figured this one out, at least a little bit...

Even though I can't imagine having a good social experience mingling with strangers, I can imagine that I can imagine having a good experience. How's that for convoluted? Even though the details are not there, I can imagine the feelings that I would experience if I could actually imagine the details.

Whew. This one had me frustrated for a couple of days, but I'm good now.

[Angela]

That's great, Lauxa. The feelings are what you're after anyway, not the details, right?

[Digit]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

please describe a night of mixing and mingling with a group of acquaintances and strangers?

What I usually do is walk into the room and head straight for the food/drinks because it seems the safest place. Once my hands are occupied, I scan the room and see people talking in groups of 2 or 3 or more. I look for the person I am most familiar with and if they are free I might go and say hello and talk for a minute or two. If there are tables set out, I look for an empty table and sit down. The whole time I am radiating extreme discomfort and anxiety. Meeting new people is a huge stressor.

If I have kids, the situation is compounded by trying to run after them. On the one hand, it keeps me from being totally alone, but on the other hand even if I do manage to get a nice conversation going I can be assured that it will be short-lived because I will have to break away to chase little ones.

Usually I stay more-or-less with the same person the whole time. Once I develop even a hint of rapport with one person, I find it extremely hard to break away and seek new relationships. Sometimes I do, but then I feel that I am being rude to the original person, and usually don't find other people to talk with and end up drifting around aimlessly the whole time.

I am trying to imagine doing better, but getting a little stuck since I have so little experience in this area. I can get as far as walking into the room, head held high and radiating confidence. People notice me and think "Who is that? I'd sure like to meet her." And then... nothing... my imagination is drawing a blank.

Maybe there is a scene in a movie that would be applicable for fleshing out my imagination?

(drifting around aimlessly is ok, btw. great things can come from it.)


i like your approach to this problem for you. imagine doing better. keep at that. it'll start getting easier and easier.

what we have here is a confidence issue right?

i was terribly terribly riddled with this crippling shyness too.



one of the greatest tools i have ever learned to help combat this, i got from Paul McKenna's book, change your life in seven days, and i'll share it with you now. Paul... don't sue me for breach of copyright hehehe.

ok, you're already pretty much doing it. so there's a confidence boost for you already. hehe.

imagining yourself "doing better" (more at ease and more confident) is your goal right?

i think that'll be achieved when you feel better, when you feel more confident.

and here's the technique for more confidence.....
(and it does wonders for more than just confidence too by the way, it genuinely improves your competence in many areas of life)

remember a time when you felt confident. doesnt need to be among strangers. any time at all will work.
imagine it as vividly as possible. what you saw, your surroundings to help put yourself there again, the sensations, the smells, and so on.
really feel that confidence. focus on that feeling. really really get into what that feeling is like, and as you are feeling that feeling with loads of gusto, squeeze your index finger and thumb together. keep feeling those feelings intensely (and even intensifying if you can) for a few moments.

this is like you storing confidence in there.

confidence that when you need it, you can subtly squeeze your index and thumb together and release that needed confidence boost.

doing this recharge remembrance imagining thing a few times really strengthens the effect. and also, the more often you do it the better you get.


when i first tried it, my confidence level was so low i was riddled with self doubt when even doing this first step. "was i really confident then?" "am i doing this right?" "is this safe?" and so on, which is funny to look back on now. even the first few times in public when i needed the confidence boost, i was so lacking in confidence, so paralysed by social anxieties that i couldnt even put my fingers together for fear of someone spotting it and thinking i looked rediculous! hahahaha.


if you cant remember a time when you were confident, just keep at the imagining what it's like to be you, but the really confident outgoing version of you. you can take clues as to what that is like from your more confident friends, or famous people who's confidence you admire.




i dont recall Paul McKenna in his book explaining what i'm about to, but i think it's better to be informed than merely following instructions.

according to the basic chakra models, your sacral chakra is where you mainly get your confidence from. this is your water energy. sexual energy. imagination and creativity power. a lack of confidence, social anxiety, and inability to imagine better is usually related to an under powered sacral chakra. that's located just under your belly button. it also correlates to your index finger. hence how this works.


but dont worry, you're not going to need to be squeezing your fingers for the rest of your life.
i now have no confidence problems, and havnt squeezed my fingers together for over a couple years. ...and i've had years of completely debilitating anxiety.

oh, another point small point.... i'm not so certain about though....
where do you breath from?
put a hand on your chest and a hand on your belly, see if you are breathing mainly from the top or the bottom of your lungs.
or balanced.
if balanced, maybe its not anything to try to alter.
if you find your chest moves far more than your belly, try for perhaps just a few moments, breathing moving your belly instead. this gets the air deaper into your lungs, and can have a marked effect on anxiety in the moment.
ideally though, your breath should be whole (upper lower and sides), and more importantly, natural and unforced.


all the best.


OOH!


i almost forgot....

a couple words....

Namaste,

&

Inlakech
(Enlakesh, In La'Kech, or however u want to spell it in our alphabet).


Namaste, a sanskrit word, though i have heard many translations, the one i prefer reads,

"I reccognise the light of life in you and all beings".

Inlakech, a south american word, meaning pretty much "you are another myself".

both words in their respective cultures are like the every day greeting.
imagine how empowering that must be for your psyche if every day you are being reminded multiple times that we are all the one self experiencing itself subjectively. that ultimately we are all the same "me" underneath. how great is that to enable you to just be yourself. no facade, no mask necessary, because there's no one to hide from. a truly liberating concept to imbue your consciousness with.