What's the key to a long term relationship?

[learningtogrow]

I'm writing an article and wondering what people think is the key to a long term relationship?

[Daffy Duck]

This applies to both parties.

1. Loving yourself.
First and foremost, you should be in love with yourself if you're going to commit to loving someone else.

2. Honest and open communications.
The longer you're with someone, the more important this will become. There needs to be complete honesty and openness about all things, ideally.

3. Desire for long-term.
Long term relationships can be wonderful. It's nice to have a reliable partner to share life with, but many people are not truly interested in this type of relationship. They want to have flings and sleep around instead. If this is the case, then they should be honest with their partner and end the relationship. Or they can choose to have an open relationship, if they're into that sort of thing. They also need to understand that long term relationships require "work" and that things are not always smooth.

[Angela]

100% responsibility!

[robc]

Give it up for Daffy & Angela - I don't think you could have put it any better!!!

[learningtogrow]

Maybe I should pose the question a little differently since I haven't had too much response to my original inquiry.

What makes a person leave a relationship rather than look at themselves, why things bother them, and learn to grow? What are some other factors that finally make a person say I give up?

My perspective is that you can make anything work. However, I know there are other perspectives out there and I'd like to understand that side as well.
Thanks for any input!

[Kazeko]

Originally Posted by learningtogrow

What makes a person leave a relationship rather than look at themselves, why things bother them, and learn to grow? What are some other factors that finally make a person say I give up?

That single factor is denial of responsibility. The factor that makes a person to say "I give up" can be expressed in a single phrase: "It's all his/her fault!!!" (and the natural continuation: "I'm fed up, so I leave")

[Malatona]

hard work

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by Kazeko

That single factor is denial of responsibility. The factor that makes a person to say "I give up" can be expressed in a single phrase: "It's all his/her fault!!!" (and the natural continuation: "I'm fed up, so I leave")

This doesn't apply all the time. Sometimes it's good to recognize that you and the other person will be more happy and grow more outside the relationship.
You don't have to be emotionnaly "fed up" to leave a relationship. It even requires courage to let go of the other one while not being fed up or hating him/her. Recogniszing responsability can mean leaving.

As for the recipe for long term relationship, my opinion is that it's necessary not to try to be loved by the other one, but rather to help the other one "love" herself or himself. That is, to help the other one for their personal goals, not the goals you'd like the other one to have, but also to help the other one have their own personality blossom, and to give space to the other one.

[ivorytickler]

Putting the other person first. Relationships where you are looking to have some need filled don't work long term. Eventually, you start to take for granted that that need is filled and start looking for more.

[Dannyboy1]

The biggest thing that destroys relationships is bringing up the past. Keeping score of how many times your spouse did this or that can only hurt the relationship. Just commit to each other. Accept each other. Help each other. Approach every moment with openness, not with a preconceived notion of what you think they're going to do.

[Anand Dhillon]

I agree with everything that was said earlier and I also think that compatibility and mutual goals are important. If two people are moving in opposite directions, it's probably not desirable at all to stay together.

[robc]

Originally Posted by learningtogrow

Maybe I should pose the question a little differently since I haven't had too much response to my original inquiry.

What makes a person leave a relationship rather than look at themselves, why things bother them, and learn to grow? What are some other factors that finally make a person say I give up?

My perspective is that you can make anything work. However, I know there are other perspectives out there and I'd like to understand that side as well.
Thanks for any input!

What makes a person leave a relationship?
Loss of trust.

When you can't trust your partner anymore, that is what makes a person leave a relationship. You can lose trust in your partner through many different ways.

Trust can only be rebuilt by consistency of action and even then there is no guarantee that your partner will recognize your efforts and want to be in the relationship again.

Having no trust in your partner kills the attraction between the two of you and that kills the relationship.

[Virginia4Lovers]

Guys look for the best possible mate to procreate with.

[Zane]

look for the person who complete you, sounds suck, but i think this is a hard stuff. find someone who you can stand with their weaknesses, and also he/she can stand with your weaknesses.

[melonstar]

I would disagree with Zane there (sorry ) but I feel that finding a sould mate with whom you will spend your life cannot be about finding someone who 'completes' you. In fact the opposite must be true - I believe that the relationships which last are the ones where neither person needs the other, but rests safe in the deep soul knowledge that whatever happens, they will be loved and complete, and that these relationships last because each person chooses, and keeps on choosing to share their life with the other, out of joy and a mutual desire to learn and move in the same direction, knowing full well that if they did split up, it would be fine and they would be no less complete. Just my thoughts x

[Peek]

Friendship.

Just be somebody's best friend and be like that. Do not act like man and wife.

[pterodactyl]

With the assumption that you are deeply in love and want a long-term relationship, let's consider the following.

The first key is to generate a consistent desire to be in a long-term relationship in the first place, even when it is difficult or boring or unsatisfying, as all relationships can be at times. Is this person right for you in terms of compatibility? Do you envision yourself with them when you're both old and gray? Where do you see yourself and your partner in a year? Two years? Ten? If you have difficulty envisioning this, or if some part of you is saying 'no' to this person, you might have a hard time cultivating real desire for a long-term relationship. The idea of it should excite you. When you think of the person you're with, you should feel excited about your future together and motivated to make long-term plans that include them.

The second key is to maintain an overall positive attitude about the relationship and your partner (which helps to fuel your desire). When you speak about your partner to other people, note how often you say positive things about him or her, or whether you are always complaining. Do you truly see him or her in a positive light, and do others agree? Does your speech reflect positive thoughts about the relationship? Can you relax and have faith that your relationship is going to work out in the long term? When or if you have a fight or disagreement, are you confident that it won't derail your relationship? Each day, tell your partner at least two positive things that you have observed about them. Tell your partner why you chose them. Think back on the time you most enjoyed being with your partner and remember in detail how they looked and how you felt. Keep that mental picture and associated feeling in your mind, so that when you think of your partner that is the first image that comes to you.

The third key is commitment. Reflect back on your longest-lasting commitments. How long did they last? Did you fulfill them completely? Which are still continuing, and how are you maintaining them? In general, how readily and how well do you commit yourself to something whether it is for 30 days or 30 years? Do you have a good commitment "track record" or is your life filled with false starts, broken promises and unfinished business? If you want a long-term relationship you must be courageous enough to create, define, nurture and maintain your commitment to your partner. You must make room for this commitment in your life and reject the attitude that it will simply take care of itself.

The fourth key is resilience. Living is difficult even when you are not involved; it is often even more challenging when you are living or traveling through life with someone else. Be resilient in the face of setbacks in your relationship.

The fifth key is paying attention. Pay attention to your partner. Pay attention to yourself, and how you feel in this relationship. Take some time to reflect and gain perspective on it, whether by journalling, talking with a trusted friend or taking time alone for yourself to think. Paying attention involves performing acts of love, care, nurturing, listening, providing, protecting, etc. Give love to your partner in the way that he or she can most readily accept it, and give love to yourself. Understand what your relationship requires and try to head off problems by paying attention to what is going on. Don't get settled into a comfortable routine or rut or get so bogged down in work and other activities in life that you have stopped paying attention to what's happening in your relationship. Decide where your relationship falls in terms of life priorities; it should be first or a close second.

The sixth key is acceptance. Forget what you wish you could change about your partner and just accept him or her as they are. Does your partner leave dirty socks on the floor? Accept that this is how it will be; pick up the socks if they bother you or hire a maid. Is he or she chronically late? Learn to expect it and plan around it. I'm not suggesting that you tolerate abuse or bad behavior or anything that puts your relationship in jeopardy, but you must learn to accept your partner's faults and idiosyncrasies and they must accept yours. Give your partner the freedom to be who they are, and promote honesty and intimacy in your relationship, by accepting them without question.

The seventh key is trust. Trust your partner, and be trustworthy yourself. Trust boils down to how you handle the little things; are you honest even with the small stuff or do you tell little white lies to get by? If you lie to others in your life, how do you expect your partner to respond to you? If he or she observes you lying to others, how can he or she trust you? Don't lie about anything, and don't lie by omission, either. Don't wait to be asked the right questions just so you can tell the truth; let the truth flow out of you because you are the type of person who has nothing to hide, and therefore nothing to fear. Foster openness and transparency, and practice keeping your commitments and promises, to the best of your ability. This skill is important enough in relationships that it is worth taking time off from relationships to work on it until it is ingrained in your character.


Here's the short version in case you don't want to read all that : Long-term success in a relationship with someone you deeply love comes from accepting your partner as they are, by paying close attention to their needs and to the needs of the relationship, by giving them the security of a commitment, by fostering excitement and desire to be with them long-term, by being positive about the relationship, by being resilient and willing to work through problems, by being trusting and trustworthy.


Amber

[robc]

Originally Posted by pterodactyl

With the assumption that you are deeply in love and want a long-term relationship, let's consider the following.

The first key is to generate a consistent desire to be in a long-term relationship in the first place, even when it is difficult or boring or unsatisfying, as all relationships can be at times. Is this person right for you in terms of compatibility? Do you envision yourself with them when you're both old and gray? Where do you see yourself and your partner in a year? Two years? Ten? If you have difficulty envisioning this, or if some part of you is saying 'no' to this person, you might have a hard time cultivating real desire for a long-term relationship. The idea of it should excite you. When you think of the person you're with, you should feel excited about your future together and motivated to make long-term plans that include them.

The second key is to maintain an overall positive attitude about the relationship and your partner (which helps to fuel your desire). When you speak about your partner to other people, note how often you say positive things about him or her, or whether you are always complaining. Do you truly see him or her in a positive light, and do others agree? Does your speech reflect positive thoughts about the relationship? Can you relax and have faith that your relationship is going to work out in the long term? When or if you have a fight or disagreement, are you confident that it won't derail your relationship? Each day, tell your partner at least two positive things that you have observed about them. Tell your partner why you chose them. Think back on the time you most enjoyed being with your partner and remember in detail how they looked and how you felt. Keep that mental picture and associated feeling in your mind, so that when you think of your partner that is the first image that comes to you.

The third key is commitment. Reflect back on your longest-lasting commitments. How long did they last? Did you fulfill them completely? Which are still continuing, and how are you maintaining them? In general, how readily and how well do you commit yourself to something whether it is for 30 days or 30 years? Do you have a good commitment "track record" or is your life filled with false starts, broken promises and unfinished business? If you want a long-term relationship you must be courageous enough to create, define, nurture and maintain your commitment to your partner. You must make room for this commitment in your life and reject the attitude that it will simply take care of itself.

The fourth key is resilience. Living is difficult even when you are not involved; it is often even more challenging when you are living or traveling through life with someone else. Be resilient in the face of setbacks in your relationship.

The fifth key is paying attention. Pay attention to your partner. Pay attention to yourself, and how you feel in this relationship. Take some time to reflect and gain perspective on it, whether by journalling, talking with a trusted friend or taking time alone for yourself to think. Paying attention involves performing acts of love, care, nurturing, listening, providing, protecting, etc. Give love to your partner in the way that he or she can most readily accept it, and give love to yourself. Understand what your relationship requires and try to head off problems by paying attention to what is going on. Don't get settled into a comfortable routine or rut or get so bogged down in work and other activities in life that you have stopped paying attention to what's happening in your relationship. Decide where your relationship falls in terms of life priorities; it should be first or a close second.

The sixth key is acceptance. Forget what you wish you could change about your partner and just accept him or her as they are. Does your partner leave dirty socks on the floor? Accept that this is how it will be; pick up the socks if they bother you or hire a maid. Is he or she chronically late? Learn to expect it and plan around it. I'm not suggesting that you tolerate abuse or bad behavior or anything that puts your relationship in jeopardy, but you must learn to accept your partner's faults and idiosyncrasies and they must accept yours. Give your partner the freedom to be who they are, and promote honesty and intimacy in your relationship, by accepting them without question.

The seventh key is trust. Trust your partner, and be trustworthy yourself. Trust boils down to how you handle the little things; are you honest even with the small stuff or do you tell little white lies to get by? If you lie to others in your life, how do you expect your partner to respond to you? If he or she observes you lying to others, how can he or she trust you? Don't lie about anything, and don't lie by omission, either. Don't wait to be asked the right questions just so you can tell the truth; let the truth flow out of you because you are the type of person who has nothing to hide, and therefore nothing to fear. Foster openness and transparency, and practice keeping your commitments and promises, to the best of your ability. This skill is important enough in relationships that it is worth taking time off from relationships to work on it until it is ingrained in your character.


Here's the short version in case you don't want to read all that : Long-term success in a relationship with someone you deeply love comes from accepting your partner as they are, by paying close attention to their needs and to the needs of the relationship, by giving them the security of a commitment, by fostering excitement and desire to be with them long-term, by being positive about the relationship, by being resilient and willing to work through problems, by being trusting and trustworthy.


Amber

First Question: Where have you been all of my life?

Second Question: Will you marry me?

I will read any version, long or short from someone who can put it all together like that! Seriously, you have a great head on your shoulders - I loved reading this. Thank you!!!

[Dan.Linehan]

I agree Amber, that was just amazing. Lots of wisdom.

[Mewwy]

I don't agree with putting your long term partner first.

Long term couples need balance. You can't devalue your own worth. But you definitely need to fully appreciate the importance of the other. You have to grow and also let the other grow. You have to gain and compromise in the right ways and in the right times. That's a lot of work there - but a good romantic relationship should be more fulfilling than draining, and that's a good indicator for long term potential.

[jfrancis]

Originally Posted by pterodactyl

Here's the short version in case you don't want to read all that : Long-term success in a relationship with someone you deeply love comes from accepting your partner as they are, by paying close attention to their needs and to the needs of the relationship, by giving them the security of a commitment, by fostering excitement and desire to be with them long-term, by being positive about the relationship, by being resilient and willing to work through problems, by being trusting and trustworthy.


Amber

I feel like there are two camps here: the love yourself first camp and the love your partner first camp. Amber, that was a great post; I printed it out. As I was reading it, I realized that if you don't love yourself, though, none of that is going to work. Not that you were advocating an unhealthy selflessness at all! It's just that I think it is easy to loose oneself in a relationship and be over focused on your partner's needs as well. I have seen both sides, and both sides can be damaging. Perhaps all of those points you make could apply to oneself as well: accept yourself, pay attention to your needs, etc.

I think it is about (to throw in an overused phrase) give and take. And that's not easy. It's a balancing act, and if both parties are able to trust in the other person, then that relationship will continue to thrive.

I also think that you have to have faith in abundant love: there will always be enough for both of you. By loving your partner, you aren't taking away from loving yourself, you are loving both. And vice versa

[The Smiling Spirit]

My marriage became a much much happier one when I learned to accept him the way he was. Stopped trying to "train" him. We have things we disagree about and we just agree to disagree and don't talk about those subjects. I accept that he is the way he is and he loves me.