What Am I To Do?

[ballaholic]

My girlfriend of 16 months is leaving in a week to the west coast. She's Hindu, well at least her parents are, and they don't know about us (sort of). She's been living under her controlling, emotionally abusive parents for 19 years, and on many occasions she's told me she wants to leave. She is really dependant, and at this age, it's pretty sad. I've been pushing for her to stay here, on her own will, against her parent's wishes, so she can learn how to be independant. A part of her wants to, but the other part doesn't want to leave because of the fear of losing her family. She's confused, and for the past few weeks, there would be a period of a few days where she would be set on staying, and then she'd change her mind just like that after talking to her dad about it (who yells and resorts to some slapping). It hurts me to see her live in the fear they've instilled in her - her every move or decision is attached by her thought of their approval and how they would react to it. It's not healthy, but I understand it's how they've programmed her for all these years. What am I to do? She said she'd be willing to stand up to her dad if I initiate some sort of argument. But she doesn't understand that I want her to do this on her own, for her well being. If she doesn't and I'm there to assist her, she'll just treat me as a parent and be dependant on me, because I was the one responsible. Should I? Or should I let her go and let her come back to me when she decides to act on her own?

[Matthew Shea]

Or should I let her go and let her come back to me when she decides to act on her own?

Do that right there (I would).

There comes a point with certain things where you just have to put the onus on someone else and let them make an adult decision and act accordingly. The results may very well disappoint you, but as a rule, you have to trust people to do the right thing on their own.

Also, please don't become a nag about this. Otherwise, you risk becoming the same type of controlling influence as the people you want to separate her from. She obviously knows how you feel already. Don't push too hard. She may never "get" what you're trying to do, but ultimately the right thing is to trust her ability to make a decision without trying to coerce her.

[joelyle]

I realize it is not easy for a younger person to understand that detaching from parents is the greatest act of towards growth. If her father truly loves her: he will let her be independent. Seems he loves (hates?) himself. What is her means of support apart from her parents (has she income/job/emotional support?). She has experienced 19 years of abuse; what is to say that this will not continue? Then she will reflect at 35 years old, perhaps unmarried, fearful of her father... then what? …16 more years of misery? What is truly important to her (apart from family). What decision will allow her to pursue her values? I see more risk in going with her parents vs. staying. She certainly needs contrast. Who is she apart from a daughter? She needs to realize that she is much more than roles/titles. Life will expand for her if she has the courage to become independent.

[Erin Pavlina]

Well she's got two people who are telling her what to do with her life. Both could be coming from love in their own way (you and the father).

In my opinion she must want independence before she can achieve it. Does she want to be independent of her family? If so, she may need to be independent of both you and her family before she can enter into a healthy relationship.

Even if she sees the need to get away from her parents she may simply not be ready or have the ability. If I were her I would work on my financial and emotional independence first and foremost. I probably wouldn't be in any relationship yet.

[Daffy Duck]

I agree with Erin's advice above.

Best wishes to both of you. I'm sorry to hear of the troubles. :|