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06-21-2008, 05:23 PM
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 Ending of a relationship. Next step? My girlfriend of about 14 months and I just broke up. It's been a rocky relationship to say the least. In the long run I think I will be better off for many reasons. However, right now I miss her and it hurts. Does anyone have any advice for moving on?      |
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06-21-2008, 05:38 PM
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 Right now it's going to hurt because you always remember the good times and none of the bad.But you said it yourself it was a rocky relationship learn from the past and aplly it towards the future,and rember no relationship is perfect it takes work like anything else.Hope it helps in a way |
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06-21-2008, 06:44 PM
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| Connect with friends. Avoid drinking to excess. Avoid excess in food or other stress relievers. Do something new and compelling in the time you would have been spending on the relationship. Take things that remind you of the relationship and put them out of sight. If you are reminded of something good, remind yourself that you are an amazing, vital person living a long, captivating story. Accept that it is over, and accept the freedom that brings. Appreciate your freedom. I believe that there are two sources of pain. First, much of the pain comes from uncertainty and unfamiliarity with being single, rather than memories of being together. Secondly, great pain can be derived from loneliness. Combat both with social activities that fill the "couple time" you have blocked off in your life. If you find yourself in pain because you would be talking to your ex about a problem, confide in a close friend instead. Filling the "couple space" in your life has two benefits. First, it decreases the pain that you would otherwise feel from the separation. Secondly, it increases your ability to cope with that pain, either alone or with help. Be well, and let us know how it goes. |
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06-21-2008, 07:01 PM
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| I'm pretty sure that we just aren't compatible. We just couldn't make it work. We tried so many times and I think it's just not meant to be. It still hurts though. I have these "well if only..." or "if she just..." or "if I..." thoughts that give me hope that it can work. God, I miss her so much even though there were a lot of things that aggravated me about her. There were so many things but I always said, "If only..." Ya know? I had so much hope & I tried so damn hard because I really liked being w/ her even though I was almost constantly anxious. ARGH!!!! I tried even taking all the blame to make it work but she's so damn stubborn. I think she doesn't know what she wants nor did she value what she had. She says she wants to be wild but wants a steady, loving guy. I just don't see her finding a party guy that can give her the intimacy that she wants. But whatever, maybe she'll learn or maybe I'm wrong. At first I was upset. Only for a little while, though, and then the "this is for the better for both of us" thoughts set in and I was... "ok." Not great, obviously, but ok w/ the whole thing. Now I'm missing her again. I just want to replace her. I crave the intimacy and closeness that I had w/ her. It feels good to get some of this stuff out. I'm gonna try to spend as much time around other people as possible. Thx for the advice. |
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06-22-2008, 04:13 PM
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| I agree with the suggestions made in this thread. I also suggest that you look into doing The Work (www.thework.com) on any negative or draining thoughts you have about the relationship. Good luck |
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06-22-2008, 10:18 PM
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| I'm going through this myself right now. I would like to add that one of the key things is to forgive yourself and them for everything. Realize that you did the best you could in the moment. That is the best you could do at the time and this helps with the "ifs buts coulds and shoulds". I've also found that doing things I love anyway a great way to cope with it. Also reading funny books. Good break up reads- Oscar Wilde plays, Adrian Mole series. Spending time with other people who love and appreciate you. Making new friends and picking up new hobbies. Things you never had time to do. Creative self expression is great. Draw or write or something to let the pain and the joy pass through you. Keeping awareness of you present moment. , |
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06-23-2008, 10:56 PM
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| Some suggest friends or finding other women and these help but don't make the "hurt" go away-they only distract you. You will will think about her and wonder what happened over and over until you learn the lessons from this relationship. There were reasons why this relationship didn't work. You have to think and meditate on what those reasons are and what you can take away from this relationship in order to not repeat the same mistakes again. Universe is funny in a way that it will keep sending you the same type of girl until you wise up and learn the lessons. So if your friends told you your gf cheats on you but you didn't want to hear it, you wont get beyond attracting the cheating type of girl until you learn the lessons (ignoring your intuition, the uncomfortable feeling in your gut etc). The second you learn all of the lessons, it will stop hurting. As well, you won't miss her as much as you do now because you will realize she wasn't the "right' girl for you. For figuring out the lessons, go to ideagasms.net and download the free ebook on the front page called "compassion ebook". It's an ebook designed to help guide you through painful situations and figure out the lessons to learn. Check out my signature and the post I wrote (you might find you made some of the same mistakes) Cheers!
__________________ Latest blog post: Neediness, Life and the Ego http://innergamereframe.com/needinesslife-and-the-ego/ |
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06-24-2008, 06:34 PM
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 Quote:
Well, I guess I'll work on the shouldas, couldas, & wouldas for now and let some time pass before I think about friendship. Any suggestions? |
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06-24-2008, 06:56 PM
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 Quote:
 ) and that leaves her at a critical age. She needs to be wild and free, really, but also wants a steady guy. Ok, this could happen. However, she doesn't do what it takes as far as I'm concerned to reassure me that I can trust her. I know, I know that it's not all her responsibility but I just don't feel that important on her list of interests. Maybe it's just me. Actually, if anybody has any input on this, I would be very willing to listen & maybe talk it out.Speaking of the trust issue, lemme kinda sound this out. I didn't trust her. I am insecure. I don't think she did enough to help me trust her. She basically wanted to go out and be wild but come home to me w/ no questions asked. Is this something that I should be ok with? What efforts should each person have put forth in a typical situation like this? I did have a tendency to not believe her when she would try to reassure me so maybe it's me and not her at all. Anybody??? Another part of her personality that I didn't quite like is her... carelessness. I'm kinda an anal person who thinks a lot. I need intellectual stimulation and just relatively intelligent conversation from time to time. She, however, just likes to have stupid fun (no offense, I just mean "not thinking" - hopefully that makes sense). Actually, having fun & cutting loose is something that I struggle with. I'm working on it but this was just one gap that we couldn't bridge. She would try to stimulate me and I would try to be more fun but deep down I don't think either of us truly enjoyed the other's company. In fact, I'm starting to wonder what we both got out of the relationship. Maybe I'm trying to oversimplify it but I think it came down to a couple things for each of us. I'm starting to realize that I want security. I want security in life. Rather than living life to the fullest - which is what she does - I seek security. I wanted to know that she was never going to leave me and I smothered her. I tried not to but I always did. Should I have trusted her blindly when she went to a club and rode a bull??? Does anybody else have a tough time w/ that one? Even when she reassured me I still had doubts. So, I wanted (and still do, I think) security from her. I was very affectionate too (not sure exactly how that fits but I believe it does in some way). To a certain extend I think she wanted security too. But she also wanted freedom. She's at the age - actually, who isn't? - where she wants to just do... everything and it always made me anxious. I couldn't handle it. I still can't and I hate that fact. I try to reassure myself by saying that I can't force her to stay and that if she leaves then so be it but it never lasts and I never mean it. I think it's because I want security above all else in this world, above pursuing interests and having fun. Time for a new paragraph.  So, getting back to her being fun loving and, more or less, ditzy - I'm not trying to be mean - I had no tolerance for it. I didn't. I can tolerate it for a little while but I get tired and eventually stop because it takes so much work. I'm really not easy going at all like her. In many ways we were exact opposites. We did have the same values for the most part but it's true- opposites do attract, they just don't work.  Does anybody else have experience w/ this? Is your bf/gf, wife/husband your opposite? If so, how do you do it? What does he/she give you if they're not a copy of you? Do soulmates have to be similar people? Should they be opposites? Do I just need to understand that everybody is unique and accept it? Is that all there is to it? I do struggle w/ that. I'm starting to realize that I think there's only one right way to do things and everything else is wrong. This could explain so many things in my life. It's so hard for me right now. Argh!!Thank you for sticking it out for this entire, long, frickin post if you did. |
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06-24-2008, 07:00 PM
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 I am really thinking that if I only knew how to appreciate her the person then it would work... still. Is this wrong? We did do the best in the moments we had but I really think that if I was more enjoyment oriented rather than security oriented I'd be in a position to be more trusting and fun. Then I would know for sure if it would work or not. Thoughts?? |
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06-25-2008, 02:54 PM
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| Wow. There are some serious mixed emotions you're dealing with, aren't there? Quote:
It jumps out at me that she did try to reassure you. She did make some effort. Why was that effort insufficient? Also, why did you need reassurance? Did she cheat on you at some point? Did she show callousness toward your emotions? It seems to me that there is a difference between being callous or malicious and being non-responsive. Why was it so important that she conform to your perspective on the world? Perhaps your world is trying to tell you something about your perspective... Quote:
What thought processes underlie your demand for security from your life? You mentioned that you're willing to give up fun and your interests for security. You're willing to give up any girl who does not provide you with enough security. Why? Anytime I discover this craving for security in myself, it is generated by some deeper emotion, usually a fear about my own ability to handle the world. Quote:
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07-12-2008, 10:41 AM
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| I would say think of it as a learning experience and if you feel that you may get back together, then allow yourself to feel that way. That does not necessarily mean that you have to do anything about that feeling. If you let it vegitate for a while you can check if that feeling comes to pass. If it comes to pass then you'll know that it wasnt' really strong enough to last anyway. One thing I do believe is that once one relationship is over you really need to have been with someone else to see whether it is really the person that you miss or just the fact of being in a relationship. There is no point in getting back together if you haven't explored other avenues. Once both of you have explored other relationships (and by this I don't mean flings, properly being in a relationship) and if after all that you both feel like you want to be back together, then I would say go for it.
__________________ All you have to fear is fear itself.  |
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07-13-2008, 02:24 AM
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| elusive definition I am going through a recent breakup --- I feel your pain, especially considering the wouldas, couldas, shouldas. I whole heartedly agree with those recommending social time with friends to replace that time previously spent with the partner. I would ask peoples' opinions on a related matter... I am still young, mid-twenties, but since i was younger and people started all the dating games I would convinced myself I would try to not waste time, and would make finding love a serious endeavor. I've been looking for the person i want to spend the rest of my life with! I try to take what good things I can from relationships, what worked and what didn't, personality types, etc. I'm realized I'm losing my belief in love. This derives my question, how do i sustain belief and/or does it matter?  I am a negative person usually, but negativity breeds negativity, and I am afraid that my momentum away from believing in love could be... irreversible? if you go to far, know what i mean? |
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07-13-2008, 10:47 AM
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| love... Okay...I think this happens often when one believes that one is loved or loves someone and later the relationship does not last forever and then all the questions about love arise. The problem here I think is the assumption that the love 'emotion' would be permanent. No emotion is permanent. It always comes to pass. So in that moment love is there and when that moment passes then different emotions make take over. The key is not to get too attached to the emotions themselves but realize that there are different kinds of love and each is true in the moment that one experiences them. This is one of the most difficult things to accept. Accepting that nothing in life is permanent is a good place to start. How can we expect the emotion of love to last forever when we are mortal. When life itself as we know it come to an end, how can any of the experiences it last forever? Unconditional love- ie. that which is not related to the emotion of love is permanent in the same way that the soul is permanent.
__________________ All you have to fear is fear itself. |
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07-16-2008, 04:13 AM
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| As Butters said in South Park: "The only way I could feel this sad now, is if I felt somethin' really good before, so I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feelin' is, like a beautiful sadness... Please honor this pain. Do NOT do what I did: A year and half ago, my fiancé killed himself hours after I broke up with him. I found a new boyfriend less than 4 months later. That relationship inevitably went down the toilet, and we broke up this March. Fortunately, by then, I realized that I had to finally confront all the pain. Instead of running away into alcohol or a new man, I decided to use the pain as fuel for self-growth.
Of course I still cry over both these relationships. But it is a choice I make, to turn these lemons into lemonade. I could just easily turn them into rotten fruit. So - how do you want to grow from this break-up? |
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07-18-2008, 11:47 PM
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| First, sorry to hear about your ex. Quote:
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07-19-2008, 08:14 PM
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The year 2007 was an incredibly challenging year. My fiance killed himself in early 2007. By late 2007, my next relationship was already in the sh*thole. Having two relationship completely explode, within just months of each other, was a major wake-up call. I had done lots of therapy (both traditional and esoteric) since I was a teenager, and especially after my fiance's suicide. So, I was already "ripe" to be awakened. (Without this foundation of self-inquiry, I probably would have floundered for a couple more years. So, hats off to modern psychology and the burgeoning fields of energy meridian therapy and subconscious programming!) However, you don't have to reach rock bottom. I'm a very stubborn girl who simply had to experience it for herself. I really hope my experience will save others a lot time and misery - why not skip the suffering and go straight to the "a-ha" moment, right? Quote:
Even as an adult, there was always a voice in my head that said, "I cannot survive on my own." I was convinced that a strong man would solve all my life problems. I needed a daddy figure to protect me, love me, keep me safe from the world. Of course, this was all subconscious. No boyfriend can ever give me the love of a father (besides, it's really unhealthy and co-dependent). So, I'd constantly be disappointed. I blamed it on the boyfriend not being enough and would constantly reject him. There was another voice that said, "there must be something desperately wrong with you for your real daddy to abandon you. Parents don't abandon their kids unless the kid really, really sucks." Again, all this was subconscious. So, I was in constant fear of being revealed for the disgusting, repulsive monster I am (or thought I was). This insecurity led to extreme clinginess, and intense fear of abandonment. If you can imagine, I would vacillate between rejecting the boyfriend, and then clinging to him as if he were a lifeboat during a hurricane. All the while, my world would shrink to the relationship. My job, my career, everything else (including ME) would be irrelevant. Because I was so convinced, deep down, that I couldn't survive without this man. This story is much more complicated and even more messed up and dark and twisted than this PG version I put forth here. The important thing is - I finally discovered the source of this emptiness. Because it was tied to fears of survival, it was intensely powerful and all-consuming. Quote:
I started by doing a lot of inner child work. I assured the fearful 3-year-old girl inside, "I am an adult now, and I can take care of you better than anyone else can. You can count on me to provide you with all the safety and protection you can ever want or need." That helped tremendously. Another step of this process is my art (my career and passion). Granted, I still spend the bulk of my energy living in the pain of my relationships past...but, I use the hole as a creative source. Almost like, a well hole that I draw water to drink from. In this respect, I'm learning to fill the hole by accepting the hole, and honoring it. However, life is managed, not cure. I am 29 years old now, and I don't expect 28.5 years of living in intense fear of not surviving to just *poof* disappear overnight. I still suffer. But definitely less than before. I know everyone is looking for a magic pill, and some people experience overnight cures. But the majority of us take two steps forward, and one step back. As long as you don't give up, you will one day wake up and realize that you have made tremendous progress. |
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07-20-2008, 07:17 AM
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| I very definitely understand what you mean when you say, everything would shrink in comparison to the relationship. Thank you for your insights. Relationships should not be in anyway the be all, end all of what you value in life. I've been trying too much to find *the one* and that in itself might blind you. Tying self-worth to a relationship is very dangerous too. |
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07-20-2008, 09:51 PM
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People who are obsessed with money seem to have this deep fear that, "if I don't have a lot of money, the world will eat me alive." People who are obsessed with fame seem to have this deep fear that, "if everyone doesn't know me, it's like I don't exist." These are deeply, deeply irrational fears. And it took me a very long time to dig and find them. One of the great things about Eckhart Tolle's books, and especially the webinar - they help you disassociate from your thoughts. You start to realize that your thoughts are not YOU. Another thing that helped me disassociate from my thoughts - Genpo Roshi's "Big Heart, Big Mind" video series on YouTube. He offers a slightly diffeent perspective than Tolle - Genpo Roshi asserts that your thoughts are a small fragment of you that somehow managed to hog the megaphone and sound a lot more significant than it really is. |
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07-22-2008, 09:46 PM
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| 25 is this the same girl who now wants space? Are you guys trying again?
__________________ All you have to fear is fear itself. |