Couples should tolerate 'infidelity', allow open relationships

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Angela

Really? How so? My buttons don't feel pushed by this topic

Kidding, love. I notice you say that a lot to many different people. I felt like copying you for fun.

I was cheated on once. Luckily, we were engaged and not married yet. Made it much simpler to break off (less paperwork!). It was a sad time, but I looked forward to the future. I knew I would learn from it, and I knew someone better for me would come along.

Looking back on it, I can see that her cheating on me was one of the best things that could of happened to me. So if anyone ever cheats on me again, I figure it's for the best, even if what they did was morally wrong.

So that's how I deal with it. I don't tell myself, "it was okay for her to cheat on me." It wasn't okay. It was wrong and dishonest. But it is GOOD for me, because I wouldn't want to marry a cheater anyway! On top of that, we were heading for a break up anyway. She started getting into Wicca and putting all of her trust into cards and crystal balls. I am not compatible with a Wiccan like her. Instead of making her own decisions, she would ask the cards. I suggested it might be faster to just flip a coin. Maybe those cards told her to cheat! Damn you, Jack of Clubs!!

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by ivorytickler

I read one that said married men live longer but single women live longer.

Men are selfish...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ivorytickler

... Living life to it's fullest doesn't necessarily mean making sure I'm happy all the time. And besides, if that's your goal, you can only be disappointed by life.

Just to be clear, I never said anything about being happy all the time, and that's not what I'm up to in life. Expanding in the infinite joy that is who I really am, now, that's what I'm up to. Being happy is just an emotion, a pale shadow next to the infinite joy I'm committed to unfolding in life. And interestingly enough, infinite joy includes not necessarily being "happy" all the time! Funny, but true.

Like you, Ivorytickler, I am interested in being fully and deeply involved with people -- my lover most of all! We disagree about the giving away of power issue, you're willing and I'm not, but I think we both want to really live our lives with others.

I think you see me as an adversary; I'm sorry about that, and I wish I were better able to convey the good wishes I have for you in living a life you love, regardless of our differing approaches.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Kidding, love. I notice you say that a lot to many different people. I felt like copying you for fun.

D'oh! Now THAT pushes my buttons! You should see me when Danger Man or {aspiring_to_clarity} remind me to take 100% responsibility!

Looking back on it, I can see that her cheating on me was one of the best things that could of happened to me...
So that's how I deal with it. I don't tell myself, "it was okay for her to cheat on me."

Now THAT is 100% responsibility. It's not about blame, it's not about condoning behavior you don't like; it's about generating a life you are in love with.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Playlife

Men are selfish...

You're automatically wrong when you make a sweeping generalization like that.

[Angela]

I think he was being facetious, Dannyboy. Or maybe sarcastic?

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by Angela

I think he was being facetious, Dannyboy. Or maybe sarcastic?

Nah, I'm just used to me(n) being the root of all evil.

[Breakaway]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Interesting that you say it doesn't have to be agreed upon. I hope you would at least be honest with your intentions with your partner.

If my partner doesn't ask or state if I am allowed to have relations with someone else, then I am not being dishonest with her. I don't just voluntarily tell you everything in my life like what breakfast cereal I had this morning in order to be "honest". A lack of trust only occurs if I was asked a question, and purposely answered it wrong.

What would you think if a friend of yours walks up to you angrily and says "how come you spent last weekend with that new friend of yours? And why did you call them on the phone instead of me? Don't you dare deny it. I found out about it."
You'd probably answer, "well uh you never told me I wasn't allowed to make new friends". Would you be considered a liar and a cheat because you didn't exlicitly tell your friend that you would make new friends?

"The term "brainwash" is interesting. People often use it when they disagree with what you think."

I don't use it when others disagree with me, I use it when they believe something without having any logic behind it, like blindly following organized religion. Hey, even Steve Pavlina wrote an article recently on how terrible organized religion is. The reality is that people only become part of these things because their parents brainwashed them at a young age, or they faced some adversity and decided to go to the main religion of their country.

[Breakaway]

Originally Posted by ivorytickler

Having someone you trust take risks with your life and your lifestyle.

You keep talking about risks. HIV can stay dormant for many, many years. Every single guy you've ever had sex with was a virgin? They were all tested for atleast 2 years straight without having sex with anyone before having sex with you?

Being a Christian means that you never should have seperated from him in the first place nor found a new man in your life. Luke 16:18 “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery."


"My husband actually had me believing he cared about me and our family when we reconciled. Then I found out he didn't have the decency to tell me he'd slept with someone else during out separation"

That's like saying if you have a new man who makes BBQ wings for your family this summer and there is the 0.00001% chance that the burnt ashes cause cancer, would you blame him for it? If someone takes your kids out to eat at a fast food place, are you going to blame them for raising their cholesterol levels?

[ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Breakaway

You keep talking about risks. HIV can stay dormant for many, many years. Every single guy you've ever had sex with was a virgin? They were all tested for atleast 2 years straight without having sex with anyone before having sex with you?

Being a Christian means that you never should have seperated from him in the first place nor found a new man in your life. Luke 16:18 “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery."


"My husband actually had me believing he cared about me and our family when we reconciled. Then I found out he didn't have the decency to tell me he'd slept with someone else during out separation"

That's like saying if you have a new man who makes BBQ wings for your family this summer and there is the 0.00001% chance that the burnt ashes cause cancer, would you blame him for it? If someone takes your kids out to eat at a fast food place, are you going to blame them for raising their cholesterol levels?

I did not separate from him, he separated from me. I did not find a new man in my life, he found a new woman in his. The bible allows for divorce in cases of adultery. The fact he left and took up with someone else is adultery. At the moment I'm wrestling with this. Those in the church tell me I'm free to leave and to remarry if I wish but I'm not sure I'll ever even date again. I'm also free to decide not to. Tough choice when you've been betrayed.

As I have said in other posts, risks I chose to take with myself are my choice. Risks I take with others, should be theirs not mine. While I was not a virgin when I met my husband, we were both aware of each other's history. There was no deception and no one took risks with anyone elses life.

You have the wrong analogy. It's more like he has beend drinking and gets behind the wheel of a car with us in it. One or two drinks probably won't result in an accident but it increases the risk. I would expect him to hand me the keys so I can eliminate the risk all together of any impaired judgement. It doesn't matter how high the risk, and it's higher than posted here because AIDS spreads fastest among the sexually active. Using 2006 and 2007 census data (couldn't find what I wanted for a single year) in the 25-44 year age group, your odds of meeting someone else with AIDS is closer to 1%. Now remove those who are not sexually active and those in monogomous relationships who are not spreading AIDS and the odds go up.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, there was about a half of a percent chance she might have downs syndrome. I was advised over and over to get an amniocentesis even though the risk of losing her as a result of the procedure was greater than the risk of her having downs syndrome. It's not the quantitiy of the risk but rather the magnitude of the consequences if you get the loaded chamber. There is less of a chance of my daughter contracting menningitis than there is my husband coming in contact with someone with AIDS but she is innoculated. The consequences are just too grave if she is the one.

I don't get people saying it's perfectly ok to point a gun at somenoe else and pull the trigger without them even knowing it's pointed at them because the chamber of the gun was probably not loaded. That is BS. You dont' even point an unloaded gun at someone because it just might be loaded and if it is, the consequences are too dire. If I choose to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger because I think the risks are low enough to play around with the gun, that's my business. However, I have no right to point that gun at someone else. To decide for them that it's ok to take the risk because it will probably be ok.

Did you read the post about the woman who died of AIDS because of her husband's affair? Is that really ok with you because the odds were low?