helping a family member

[carenkh]

I just experienced some drama with a family member... I'll call her my cousin. For some reason, her anonymity seems important here. I got a call Thursday saying she was stuck in Arkansas. She had left her husband, or he had kicked her out. She had heard there were jobs, so she went there, knowing no one, having no place to live, and with very little money. She ended up contacting a homeless shelter; they were unable to house her there, but did put her up in a hotel for a couple of days, then they bought her bus tickets here. She has 6 children, all under the age of 7.

I was overwhelmed with the thought of housing her and her kids. That's a lot of freakin' kids! And she has stolen in the past, from her grandmother and other family members. She has burned bridges with a lot of people. It's been a few years since then, but... I felt like if she stole from me, I would go under myself because things are so tight here. But I also knew she needed to not feel alone. I believe unconditionality can help her so much. But how to achieve that without being taken advantage of? I told her she could come here for a day or two until we could make other arrangements. Yesterday, I took her to the Women's Shelter. They had space, and she will get hooked into some services that can ultimately help her: job training, free child care, parenting classes, etc. I left her there last night.

This morning, I woke up crying, thinking of her there. I felt like she must feel SO alone, with all those kids. I texted her, letting her know I was here for her, and that it was worth it to hang in there.

It just hit me that I can "sponsor" her. I was in a 12-step group for many years - over 16. I stopped attending meetings last year - I did not feel at home there any more. There was very little joy there. I know part of the 12-step process is hanging around so you can give back what others gave to you... but I'm living a life where I'm free to make choices for myself. So I haven't been. I may one day go back.

It just hit me that if I got nothing else from going to those meetings for such a long time, I did get the ability to get real with my feelings. Having a supportive sponsor that I could call at any time helped me learn to express myself. Early on in recovery, I remember the freedom that came with that; like many people have experienced, actual feelings were frowned on in my family. "I'm sorry... could you not feel today? We don't do that here" was the message I got repeatedly through my childhood and any interactions with most of my family members. Through the 12-step group, and that unconditional love, I learned how to get in touch with what I was feeling.

She was raised by a member of my family, so I'm thinking she may have some of that same baggage to clear... it just hit me that I can be that person she can call at any time. I don't have much in the way of money or stuff, but I can be here for her in that way. I can support her journey this way.

Not sure why I'm sharing this here, but I felt compelled to.

peace ~

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by carenkh

It just hit me that I can "sponsor" her. I was in a 12-step group for many years - over 16. I stopped attending meetings last year - I did not feel at home there any more. There was very little joy there. I know part of the 12-step process is hanging around so you can give back what others gave to you... but I'm living a life where I'm free to make choices for myself. So I haven't been. I may one day go back.

It just hit me that if I got nothing else from going to those meetings for such a long time, I did get the ability to get real with my feelings. Having a supportive sponsor that I could call at any time helped me learn to express myself. Early on in recovery, I remember the freedom that came with that; like many people have experienced, actual feelings were frowned on in my family. "I'm sorry... could you not feel today? We don't do that here" was the message I got repeatedly through my childhood and any interactions with most of my family members. Through the 12-step group, and that unconditional love, I learned how to get in touch with what I was feeling.

She was raised by a member of my family, so I'm thinking she may have some of that same baggage to clear... it just hit me that I can be that person she can call at any time. I don't have much in the way of money or stuff, but I can be here for her in that way. I can support her journey this way.

Not sure why I'm sharing this here, but I felt compelled to.

peace ~

Just remember that an integral part of the twelve step process is someone wanting to be helped (truly wanting). Do you have enough distance to sponsor her?

I think you are a very kind person and I understand how hard it is to do nothing especially when children are involved but you have done a lot. You've helped her help herself (through taking her to the shelter). If she wants it I have no doubt that shelter staff will be able to expertly guide her through this time.

Take care of yourself

[carenkh]

Thank you for that most thought-provoking reply! I don't know if I *do* have enough distance, because I realized after I wrote out my post that I was seeing myself in her... and she is completely her own person. I was approaching it as "what did I need?" (because I have some of the same past: bad choices, not being able to take responsibility, etc.). But it's not about what I needed at the time, this is about her. Hmmm... stuff to ponder....

[Lauxa]

It may be that the best thing you can do for her is to listen to her and believe in her. If she has ever done anything good or kind or brave this may be the time she needs to be reminded of that.

The other thing is that I suspect the people she meets now will have a big impact on her success. The drama queens I know seem to meet most of their friends in bars and then they wonder why they never have any friends who support them in not drinking! Maybe you could talk to her about what kinds of friends she would like to have and brainstorm ways of meeting people who will uplift her and not drag her down.

Finally, something she probably needs is an occasional break from the kids, although I''m not sure what the shelter provides. Maybe you can help with that; I don't know what your schedule is like.

I happen to believe that we do have some obligation to support family members in need, but it is so hard when they are irresponsible! I wish you luck in figuring out how to be supportive without enabling destructive behavior. Keep us updated.