A man I met

[danas]

This is just a strange story, and Im feeling quite sad about the whole thing.
but I guess its over, sharing it here might help me understand.

Since I broke up with my ex, half a year ago, Ive been focused on what I want. jornaling, meditating, imaging etc
Ive dated several guys, but I didnt feel I clicked with any of them, even though they were all into me but I decided not to waste time with anyone unless it feels "right"

Ill add here that I spoke to Erin months back and she saw that my man will come from the US (which is a 12 hour flight away from where I live), and that his finances will be in order and that hell appreciate me and be emotionally mature etc.

A year ago someone wrote to me on myspace where I have some of my artwork, that he loves my work. I reply thanks if your ever in my town let me know, well have coffee.



So a few weeks ago this myspace guy, calls and we meet. hes from New York and hes here now for business but has an apartment here too.
its a blind date completely.
He comes out of the car hes short, and with a limp, not particularly handsome and not my type. but we chat and I feel connected to this guy, he makes me laugh so much, hes been around the world alot like me, creative, and seems very well off finacially, into spirituality...
Hes 38 Im 34.
I tell my friends I met this guy and I just feel like being with him all day.
so meet 3 more times, We laugh, talk and kiss all night (no sex), its amazing.
Ive never felt like this so connected to someone. Not my ex or anyone. but something is strange, hes just too mysterious, he shows me his work on his laptop, but still the puzzle isnt complete...then after 4 dates he tells me he has to go back to NY for a few days.
I dont hear from him in 12 days, and mentally delete him. I was sad, but I think maybe I was just fantisizing. its painful but I move on.

Then, after almost 2 weeks of silence he calls. I dont want to see him but he begs. so I say ok. He gives me a whole 20 min monolog that hes never felt like this about anyone in his life, he feels connected, like Im his soulmate, he feels love etc. I tell him I felt the same but why did he dissapear?? no call email or sms??
well, he tells me theres a small problem: a wife and 5 kids
and they live here for the past year.
I say I can handle the kids but a wife?? he says he separated, that he always wanted to make the family work but he just doesnt love her.
he's away for weeks sometmes (he travels a lot for work too)
I tell him, well I want to get married and have kids and I cant be with him.
he says that now that hes met me he might divorce her...

anyway I dont really buy it but the next day we meet again. again this amazing connection we cant stop touching, fantisizing, talking. but I realise Im getting attached, that Im really falling for this guy.
this morning we spoke and he said he wants to do it right, to close these issues in his life first and only then we be together, I agree, and I tell him that he needs to do this alone, and until then we must lose contact, dont call me anymore.
He said that he just knows that in the end we'll be together.

but now a few hours later, Im landing back to reality. Im letting go, I'm not that naive.
life is strange- and Im wondering why did I just attract this?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What an experience!

My first thought is that even though he seems to fit what Erin said, it may not be the guy she was talking about. It seems that he doesn't fit the description you got from Erin in at least one point "emotionally mature." I think, what will happen later, after you and he have kids and he decides he just doesn't love you anymore?

He seems a shady character and not the man that Erin spoke of (unless there is some reason you'd need to get into a relationship like this for your path, but I don't really know whether that is a possibility).

Have you thought of getting another reading from Erin about this?

[ns123]

He sounds like he might be the guy for you, but the timing is just off.

One thing though, if you are willing to wait it out, you should be aware that:

1. you'll be a stepmother to his children. Are you ready for this?
2. he says he works and travels a lot - so he's away a lot. Are you ready to marry and raise kids with a guy that's not around too much? (Some people can make it work, like military families)

You did the right thing in breaking it off all contact until he's fully divorced. You might want to set a divorce deadline for him - so you end up not waiting forever - and he doesn't think he can drag his divorce/marriage/whatever on for 5 years and think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

You did the right thing. Sometimes, we do feel sadness, and that's ok. Don't think you brought this on to yourself. Heading down that path can be exhausting.

Much love to you and from what you've said so far, I believe you will come out of it all right.

[carenkh]

Yeah, I'm agreeing with Aspiring about the lack of emotional maturity.

It may be that you attracted this to give you a glimpse of what could happen. Give you hope that that "click" can happen -- but not to invest SO much in just the click.

Were you not attracted to him? Physically, I mean. That's what the initial impression sounds like... but you were able to look past that. For some reason that feels important to me.

[m4xx]

I don't know why but that story scared me! I read it and got a goose skin!

[danas]

Thanks a lot for your replys. at the moment I dont feel so great about this, That I was too naive, and that I dont really trust him.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What an experience!

My first thought is that even though he seems to fit what Erin said, it may not be the guy she was talking about. It seems that he doesn't fit the description you got from Erin in at least one point "emotionally mature." I think, what will happen later, after you and he have kids and he decides he just doesn't love you anymore?

He seems a shady character and not the man that Erin spoke of (unless there is some reason you'd need to get into a relationship like this for your path, but I don't really know whether that is a possibility).

yes I agree, I thought he was mature, cause he was confident and generous with compliments and money, but yes, there is more needed, like transprency.
I did say to him that in a few years he might get bored with me and go back to search for women on myspace(where he is listed as single), he said he got married young and not for the right reasons, and he has never had such a connection as with me, that he wished he met me earlier cause he feels that Im his woman...but as I said Im not that naive...

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Have you thought of getting another reading from Erin about this?

It all happened quickly and I wanted to see how life will unfold before getting another reading. now I dont think this is worth another reading.
I feel like its over

ns123- I somehow am not put off from the kids, its not easy but if a relationship is good, its totally ok with me.
We talked about the traveling, I said I want a man by my side always, that I couldnt handle him being away, he said that I would come with him and that he has enough work here anyway, and part of the traveling is to get away from his wife I guess...

carenkh- yes I am physically attracted to him, the 2nd time I saw him he seemed very handsome suddenly. Saying no to sex was one of the hardest things, but from the start I knew I shouldnt sleep with him until we are in a commited relationship-
And you are right about it giving me a glimpse of what could happen. it opened my mind completely- took me out of my narrow world and the same type of people I keep meeting

[Savage]

Why not just enjoy and experience the unfolding relationship as it happens and see where it goes? It seems like you're spending a lot of energy projecting and living in the future.

When you are together, you are in a state of joy, are you not? Why not simply allow that joy to be experienced without trying to force it into a particular mold?

No need to make any hasty decisions or leash the guy into a husband mold.

[Valeria]

Hi, what a fun story!

I've found that when we decide we want something specific, there are a couple of "fakers" before the real thing comes.

Florence Scovel Shinn calls it the broken plate. Some call it "signs of land." I figure it means I'm getting closer and closer to the real thing.

So I wouldn't get too hung up on this guy. Just be happy he's a sign that Mr. Right is on his way!

Oh, and in the meantime, examine your beliefs about the kind of man you want and feel you deserve. Clear out as many old, stuck emotions and blocks as you can.

And especially look out for any kind of attachment to things you can't have...do you have a pattern of wanting distant men? Was your father distant?

Anyway, this is all stuff I've had to deal with myself...but it's a fun ride.

Blessings!

[Calculusaurus]

Just my two cents...

but I think you're all analyzing this way too much. Be patient with him, stay open, and let things happen. You only live once and if you really feel this unique connection with this guy then why throw the opportunity away by being impatient?

[Vasilisa]

5 kids would definitely stop me. But it's up to you to decide what you want.
He might just have a very charismatic personality and it's not your unique connection, but his ability to charm women in general. Did you see him around other people, and are they usually really drawn to him?

[Jamie]

Seems a bit err, uck, to me.

The thing that hits me most about this whole deal, is that you're putting a lot of trust in what someone else (Erin) has foretold will happen. How do you resolve this, with trusting in your OWN intuition and feelings?

[danas]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Why not just enjoy and experience the unfolding relationship as it happens and see where it goes? It seems like you're spending a lot of energy projecting and living in the future.

When you are together, you are in a state of joy, are you not? Why not simply allow that joy to be experienced without trying to force it into a particular mold?

No need to make any hasty decisions or leash the guy into a husband mold.

I feel and look the best I ever have, my career is developing well and I guess I just want to be available emotionaly for someone I can build something with. also: I really want kids and I dont want to spend these year in intimate relationships that I know from the start might not take me there.

I could just live the moment of course, but its also against my morals to be with a married man, especially as I dont know how "separated" he is.

the other day we were sitting in a restaurant and a waitress kept staring at us, she came up to him and said
Is your name- (his name)?
yes
you dont remember me? she said
no.
are you sure? she said with a long stare and leaves
Then I ask her: how do you know him?
again she looks at him with a long stare again: you really dont remember me? and says "I was a waitress in a restaurant in New York"
he said "sorry I dont know you"
he told me he knows so many people in NY, and that hes not gonna remember some waitress.
but she obviously knew his name. Im thinking next thing someone who knows his wife or kids will appear and we arent exactly discreet about our affection.

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

He might just have a very charismatic personality and it's not your unique connection, but his ability to charm women in general. Did you see him around other people, and are they usually really drawn to him?

No, hes quite shy and doesnt talk to strangers, he doesnt speak the language here either, he told me he has so many beautiful women around him at work, and no one has ever impressed him like I did.
Funnily I can say the same about him.
Another thing:
We made a silly bet (before I knew he was married) and I won, so we were meant to go abroad to a film festival where my film is being screened at his expense.
yesterday, 4 days before the flight he tells me it doesnt feel right to go like this that its not a good begining for us cause things arent clean with him yet.
but he says he'll pay as this was the bet. I said Ill pay for the flight but he can pay for the accomadation, cause I lost the place I was meant to sleep at I didnt say on time. anyway- havent heard from him since, and I going to a very expensive city and dont have a place to stay.
He doesnt really owe me anything, and maybe was pissed that I said ok pay for the hotel- but the fact that he tells me he'll take care of it, but doesnt, and keeps me on hold like this is annoying.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by m4xx

I don't know why but that story scared me! I read it and got a goose skin!

Sent a shiver down my spine as well. But then looking at the facts, I really don't think there's anything shady about being married and having five kids, that kind of thing happens. And since he's honest about it, what more can you ask of him? He can't very well wipe out his past, and he's agreed to get his things in order before anything "serious" can come of your relationship. I also think you did the right thing in not crossing certain lines before he's tied up the loose ends in his life.

In regards to yourself, I'd get clear on whether you want love for it's own sake or whether you want it as a means to an end as in providing you with a white picket fence sort of life where you'll finally be happy. I know one often tends to have this basic kind of "holding out for a hero" attitude towards guys, I mean it gets hammered into your subconsciousness 24/7, that someone will come and save you and you will be forever happy and fulfilled, but the way I see it, that's not what love is about.

If you meet someone for a few days, and then go on about "I want kids and everlasting devotion", to me that's not free-spirited love talking but ego negotiating a trade contract. And I think it's a fearful ego talking when you say, oh, I'm not that naive. You have nothing to loose in loving someone if it comes from a place of inner abundance.

So as to all else, well, there are no guarantees in life or love, I'd just go with the flow.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by danas

he said he wants to do it right, to close these issues in his life first and only then we be together, I agree, and I tell him that he needs to do this alone, and until then we must lose contact, dont call me anymore.
He said that he just knows that in the end we'll be together.

Well I think you guys faced this situation perfectly.
I think it's a nice story, and in the same time I can't help thinking about the wife and kids. Your relationship would start better if he "closes these issues first" as you say. It would be a pity if he chose to lie to his wife and kids.

If you want a great start, that's the necessary first step. And it's also a good test : if he beaks up with his wife and doesn't contact you before, it shows he is sure about his choice. The guy seems a bit shady, but nobody's perfect, and he's presented with a situation where he's going to make conscious choices and face them. He has the opportunity to make clear decisions here.
You'll make him grow by not allowing contact at all unless he is clear in his life situation.

Originally Posted by danas

but now a few hours later, Im landing back to reality. Im letting go, I'm not that naive.

Well, here again, it's the best thing you could have done. Don't wait for him, you don't need to worry about that. If he's for you, you'll see him again, if he's not, you won't. It's a great experience you had so far, now just enjoy life and see what happens !

My personal point of view is that this situation isn't so sad (but of course, I'm not living it, so it's subjective) but that you interpret it as sad. I mean how better could it have happened ? All the good decisions to take, you took them.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Why not just enjoy and experience the unfolding relationship as it happens and see where it goes? It seems like you're spending a lot of energy projecting and living in the future.

Is it not an issue that he didn't tell her he had a wife and kids right away?

I don't mean to say that he should stay with his wife, however, how does danas know that he's even telling the truth about being separated?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Tigerlilly

But then looking at the facts, I really don't think there's anything shady about being married and having five kids, that kind of thing happens. And since he's honest about it, what more can you ask of him?

He didn't tell her that right away though. I don't see how that's honest.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, came back in to apologize for projecting my own fears and insecurities into this situation. I got a knot in my stomach and goose bumps reading the OP.

Danas, I have a big, big issue with even the possibility of anyone cheating on their wife and I have a lot of insecurities about guys who try to "play" women. That is my own crap and I don't want it to cloud your situation. It seems like while a couple of people got the same icky feeling I did, a lot did not.

Anyway, I just wish clarity and peace for you in this. You are strong and I know you will do just fine.

[Angela]

Regarding that waitress from NYC... there's another likely explanation, Danas. She may have been cast in your part some years ago, and some day you may be cast in hers.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Regarding that waitress from NYC... there's another likely explanation, Danas. She may have been cast in your part some years ago, and some day you may be cast in hers.

That's what I was thinking .

[danas]

Originally Posted by Angela

Regarding that waitress from NYC... there's another likely explanation, Danas. She may have been cast in your part some years ago, and some day you may be cast in hers.

yes of course I thought of this and joked that one day hell say to me "sorry, I dont know you"
but he swore hes never cheated on his wife...
he told me crazy things and dropped names. said things like "john trovolta once told me..." etc.
you may think Im very gulable but somehow I tend to believe what he tells me, because of my gut feeling, and these big names dont impress me that much anyway (ok maybe a little), but the point is hes just not available.
If it got serious I wouldve checked these things out more, but it didnt get to that point.

I called before because I wanted to tell him that he doesnt have to pay for the hotel where the festival is, cause I felt uncomfortable that I even asked this from him, but he didnt answer.(even though I fly in 3 days and all the hotels I called are booked )
so whatever, Im letting it go.
I guess Im glad I had this oppurtunity. Maybe Im just too keen on falling in love and need to let go of that, but at least we didnt cross too many borders.
My heart was open from the start but still I was cautious enough.
I think what he really lacks is integrity. I really try to be as honest and straightforward as I can, with myself and the world, but not everyone sees that as something important I guess.

[danas]

just an update
Finally found him online, through googling the name of his son which I overheard. (he already told me he was ungooglable when I asked him why I cant find him online)
I found a whole family album online from late 2006. with him titled as "daddy", He has 10 beautiful children, not 5. plus a beautiful wife. The youngest child only a year and a half old.
Plus his family and him are ultra religious (jewish)- that explains the beard.
(with me he was a very cool dresser though...)
I think I will send him a short note about my discovery, maybe he will think twice before lying to the next person...

crazy.
I feel ok though.
thanks for all you support!

[ilovetoday]

I hate to say this but if he is married why did he meet you in the first place-he didnt know you would connect? It does sound really good but if I was in your position I would have to question if everything ended up good between you two would you trust him not to do that to you?
If you would trust him maybe go for it, but if you dont just cut contact.