Intuition or silliness?

[mahreenferdous]

Okay, so here's my story.

My bf broke up with me after cheating on me and chose to be with this other woman. Not only did he choose to be with someone else he decided to marry her. He agreed to marry her before he even broke it off with me. He was even planning dates with me at this point while accepting someone else's hand in marriage. I understanding logically that there is no going back. I know it.

Now the most sensible thing to do is to simply move on. Which is what I'm doing. I have an active social life and so that's keeping me busy. The only problem is that I feel like we're not done yet. I have gotten rid of most things that actively remind me of him and also deleted his phone number all the sort of sensible things that need to be done to move on. I can't seem to get out of it though. I mean the universe keeps bringing them (the girl and him) into my awareness. It took me awhile to cry about it and all that by now I have and I feel like I've gone through the emotional release. I've even come to a point where I see that all of this is for the best. It is how it should be, and reading Angela (one of the moderators here) comments on a piece on cheating I agree with it and it resonates with me.

I should point out that it's been almost 2 months since we broke up and I found it hard to go cold turkey in the first month but now I havent' been in touch for another month and dont' feel a strong urge for it.


The only problem I'm having is that sense of intuition that we're not done yet. I can't logically explain it. Is it just residual hope that everyone feels at the end of a relationship or is there something to it? This is my first proper break up so I haven't got much to compare to. Also I'd like to add that I believe I've had closure, so it's not that. I have asked him all I could possibly want to ask.

[Angela]

Well, at least you can be grateful that someone else has taken this big hunk of no integrity off your hands. Poor woman is marrying a guy who apparently has no qualms about deceiving and manipulating his partner. Aren't you glad you're not in her shoes?

If you feel you're not "done", then you're not done. But that doesn't mean you have to live out your undoneness with this bastard, err, I mean, fellow. If you make overtures and try to *get* something out of him, you're likely to be disappointed. That's because what you want -- that feeling of being done -- doesn't come from your ex; the source of it is you.

You need the Pain Hospital! The Hospital de Amor. And we are your nurses. Us, and your friends. (I highly recommend having a designated Nurse Nelly whom you can phone when you get the urge to call Senor Caca -- you can expect to get that urge long after you think you will.)

And now -- it's time for you to read a fabulous book called "Make Every Man Want You" by Marie Forleo. It is a total misnomer of a title. It's not so much about making men want you -- it's about being the person that you dream of being, and wielding the kind of power in the world that would inspire you, light you up, have you shining like the brilliant beacon of light and love that you are, my dear, make no mistake.

Expanding more and more into the woman you most want to be (oh, wait, you ARE a woman, aren't you? I'm so presumptuous!) and you will reach a point when you are Done -- Stick you with a fork!

(I just had a better idea -- stick HIM with a fork! just kidding. except that nobody's ever really "just kidding." )

[Vasilisa]

Yes, most people who are in love and after break-up, usually feel that they are "not done".
What do you need that person for anyway? He already showed his true face. Start getting over it and building your life without him,.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by mahreenferdous

The only problem I'm having is that sense of intuition that we're not done yet. I can't logically explain it.

Hi mahreenferdous,

Given his previous lack of faithfulness and integrity, it wouldn't be surprising if he changed his fickle mind and did try to woo you back.

The question is, what would you do if he did?

[mahreenferdous]

I'm glad he's happy whether its' with me or someone else. Ultimately like you said, Angela, in another post about whether it's better to break up before cheating- it may just be that these two are supposed to be together. No one else can do anything to me so really whatever we think we do onto others we're only doing to ourselves.

Funny the fork idea! Because when we had the break up chat he actually stood there a couple of times asking me to hit him! I didn't mostly because I didn't even feel like touching him.

As for what I would do if he came back to me...well I think I need to be with someone else first (not just a fling or something like a proper relationship) before I can make a call on it.

Thanks for the reassurance. It's good to know that it's not just me. That other people break up and feel not-done with it. The urge to call or contact him has slowly subsided...initially I didn't contact him out of ego and this feeling of self-respect. Now that I've let go of that and contacted him...it's come to a point where I feel like there is nothing left to say. At one point I did say all this crap about we can be friends, although in principle I've always believed that exs shouldn't be friends. Any of you think exs can be friends? Should they be?