Need advice on feeling resentful...

[Junebug]

I have worked two (sometimes three) jobs to make ends meat and put food on the table. At the same time, my husband works his normal 8-5 job and gets to go home every night. To put it mildly, we live paycheck to paycheck. We keep our finances separate. He has his checking account and I have mine. This normally would work well except that he is constantly overdrawn in his checking account. I have bailed him out several times, only to find out that he's right back in the same spot a few weeks later. We have tried putting our finances together, but I ended up getting very upset because all my income (from both jobs) was being sucked up by all his debt. It just didn't seem fair to me. Since we both have been married before, we also have several separate bills. He is responsible for his and I am responsible for mine. As far as our joint bills go, we have made an agreement that he only pays about 20% of them and I pay the rest since his other bills are so much. Honestly, he just doesn't make enough money to cover his bills. I have even gotten a few loans (his car loan, his dental financing, etc) in my name only for him since his credit is also horrible. I came into this marriage with somewhat good credit, but since he hasn't been able to cover all his bills with his income, he has put the ones in my name on the back burner causing delinquencies on my credit. As if all that weren't enough, whenever there is the slightest problem, he always comes to me to fix it. He has gotten so used to depending solely on me that he seems to have great difficultly doing simple things on his own.
Now, I need help or advice on how to get us out of this rut. My feelings towards him have been getting more and more resentful. I love this man and I would do anything to keep us together, but at the same time I have to love myself also.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

1) he needs to get a better or another additional job
2) you need to stop bailing him out and putting his debt in your name
3) he needs to get into credit counseling and stop accumulating new debt

Oh, and for the actual advice you wanted: it's your choice to feel resentment or not. Believe me, I understand how hard it is to choose another way because I've been in situations where I seethed with resentment. I believe for yourself it's best to make peace and let go of the resentment. That doesn't mean AT ALL that you agree with his behavior or don't take steps to change the situation. However, he himself may not wish to change at all. In which case, you get to decide what you will do at that point.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Junebug

I have bailed him out several times, only to find out that he's right back in the same spot a few weeks later.... He is responsible for his and I am responsible for mine... we have made an agreement..... he has put the ones in my name on the back burner causing delinquencies on my credit.... he always comes to me to fix it. He has gotten so used to depending solely on me...

Junebug, it sounds like you've been doing some pretending for awhile.

Putting aside what he's been doing for the moment, can you see what you've been creating in this relationship? Can you see the hidden payoff you get?

[Junebug]

Angela,
I do realize how I'm only making the situation worse. I want to stop being the enabler but I feel like I'd be turning my back on my spouse. My previous marriage ended because of resentment and lack of trust. I don't want to give up on this one.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Junebug

Angela,
I do realize how I'm only making the situation worse. I want to stop being the enabler but I feel like I'd be turning my back on my spouse. My previous marriage ended because of resentment and lack of trust. I don't want to give up on this one.

I get that about you. And you didn't just make an existing situation worse; you actually created the situation you're in. By the way, I'm not saying anything is your "fault" (or his, either). You didn't only "enable" this situation. You actually entered the relationship and participated in a pattern of belief and behavior from the beginning. Can you see that? Can you articulate your beliefs about money and romantic relationship? What's true about money and men? How did it look between your mom & dad? Where can you find resentment and lack of trust, other than the obvious situation in front of you?

[Erin Pavlina]

You may think you're being loving by bailing him out but you're not. You're robbing him of the experience of learning personal responsibility.

You can love him without bailing him out of financial debt.

Tell him what you want, be clear, and let him know that it's his choice on whether he wants to be that way or not, but it's also your choice on whether to accept it if he doesn't change.

In other words, tell him what type of behavior you need to see in him by a certain date. Then let him know what you will choose to do if you do not see that behavior. It's his choice if he wants to comply. And it's your choice to do what you've got to do if he doesn't. But the resentment will go away when you are clear and there is a deadline.

If you don't tell him what you need to happen, then you have no right to expect him to change, in which case you shoudl stop complaining. You have every right to be concerned, and you have a right to have your needs met. since you can't force him to change, ask him to. If he can't, then you have to decide if you will accept hiim how he is or if you'll leave him.

[Junebug]

Thank you all for the good advice. I really appreciate it!