Excellent relationship vs. testing the waters

[rbhambha]

Hi all,

The reason I'm posting this situation here at stevepavlina.com is because in the past, I've always obtained great insight from other users' posts. I'm confident this time will be more of the same.

Here's a little background. When I was 16 years old (I'm 21 now), I got into my first relationship with a girl I met through a friend. I was attracted to her, but it was more of a "you like me, so I like you" scenario. She was my first everything (relationship, kiss, sex, etc.) and we were together for about 3 years (December 2002 - October 2005). Somewhere in the midst of the relationship boundaries were crossed and we lost all respect for each others standards and preferences. It morphed into a destructive relationship right underneath my nose and I was none the wiser. She became physically abusive and would pitch fits whenever she couldn't exert control over my life. I became highly irritated and frustrated because I couldn't get her to see my point of view and relinquish her control over my life. Finally I broke up with her, but she remained in my life and it was kind of like we were still together minus the title.

I decided after nearly 3 years that it was time to make some changes. Sadly, I didn't know what to do and I was absolutely terrible at talking to other girls. I was powerless to change my dating situation. Luckily, I stumbled across David DeAngelo's dating materials over a Thanksgiving break (November 2005), and dedicated myself to learning everything he taught in his materials. During the summer 6 months later (July 2006), I locked myself in my room for 8 hours a day and studied everything under the sun on women and dating. After the summer I went out and applied all of the concepts I had learned, and amazingly all of the mind exercises, NLP, and belief changing exercises had completely changed the way I looked at things. I was suddenly much more capable of attracting women, and was more in touch with my inner-self than ever before.

5 months earlier (January 2006) I was out with some of my friends, and through them I met an incredibly attractive girl (I remember thinking, whoa). She also had an aura about her. She seemed like she had a much stronger identity than any other girl I'd met before, regardless of age (I had met quite a few girls between Nov. 2005 and Jan 2006). She seemed to be a "1 in a million" type girl. Having assimilated many of the concepts taught by David DeAngelo, I thought I would test my abilities with this girl. We hit it off right away, but unfortunately she lived in Houston and was just visiting with my friends, and I lived in Austin while attending UT. I didn't talk to her again for a good 3 months. When I saw her again randomly at a BBQ at my best friend's place we flirted constantly, and I knew that no matter what she and I would be together soon enough. She was extremely witty, mentally sharp, and overall a great challenge for my abilities. I hadn't met a girl like this before.

Over the next few months I saw her on and off, and finally we got together in September of 2006 (long story short, lol). It took such a long time because we lived in different cities and hardly ever saw or talked to each other. We've been happy ever since, and the relationship is incredible. I've studied relationships in depth so I started this one off right, and it's stayed right ever since. We're very close. I can honestly say I love her very much, and I can honestly say I have no complaints. Then what's the point of this post you may ask? Allow me to explain!

While my current girlfriend is super attractive (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc), and I can't say any girl I've seen anywhere is more attractive than she is to me, I still find myself physically attracted to other girls. I know this is normal as I'm a male and that's just how we are, but it drives me crazy. I know what my girlfriend and I share is very hard to come by. However, I'm 21 years old, and I feel that between November 2005 and September 2006 I hadn't experienced enough sexually with enough women to get this lust out of my system. When I look back at myself and I see the Rahul who got with his girlfriend in September of 2006, I say to myself, "Wow Rahul, you were terrible with women." Through her being the incredibly challenging, sexy, vivacious girl that she is, I've transformed into a man, and my abilities with women are now totally innate and natural. I'm thinking to myself, "If I was capable of attracting a girl like my girlfriend when I was just beginning, what am I capable of NOW?"

This time in my life will never come again, and once I'm older that WILL NOT be the time to say "Hey honey, I'm gonna take a break from us for a little while and check out some of the other fish in the sea. Tell the kids I love them and I'll be back after being with 30 other younger women!" I feel like the time to explore is now, however I have something incredibly great and I don't want to lose it. I know there are plenty of great women out there, but that's not what I'm interested in. I already have a great woman. The only thing I'm interested in is having sex with other women (lol, I realize how ridiculous this sounds). Not on an emotional level, just on a purely physical level. My sex life with my current girlfriend is great however, so that's definitely not the problem.

I understand letting go of my girlfriend will be the biggest mistake of my life, and I couldn't do it if I tried because I am so into her. However, how the HELL do I get rid of this subconscious lust driven urge that's driving me crazy? Is there something I'm overlooking, or do I need to bite the bullet and get it out of my system? It would be one thing if I was just some dude who got lucky with his girlfriend and had no selection when it came to women. But I'm not. Every time I'm out and I see a super attractive girl, I KNOW I can easily walk up to her, attract her, and have sex with her shortly after. Knowing this is possible makes the urge not just some unattainable fantasy, it's a real possibility.

Yes, perhaps I'm an idiot, but this is my issue nonetheless. Feel free to let me know what you think and share your suggestions on how I can deal with this "problem". Thanks so much in advance. You guys are great!

[votoshka]

I think you need to work out what will hurt you more: NOT having sex with numerous other women, or losing the wonderful woman you are with now!

Having sex with lots of girls might be pleasant and enjoyable, but it's temporary. Once you've done it, and you've got it out of your system, what then? Is it worth losing this girl who is a "one in a million"??

[Mr_A]

Simply. You want to experience the flesh of other women, without loosing her.


I believe you need to get it out of your system.
She won’t approve
You got this new social awareness and you never got to exercise your full potential
I believe you do need those hollow sexually experiences so you can truly appreciate true love
It’s just a shame you decided to attract a fulfilling relationship before you had a few dozen hollow/shameful relationships.

“The sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter”

There’s a chance you'll lose her because you’re conflicted, you might sabotage this relationship because you’re not aligned with what you want. And what you want is lust.
You need to make a decision, which have very different results and are very different paths.
I lean towards the path of leaving her and leaving on good grounds and maybe if fate will have it you'll meet again
I believe both of you met too early and need more life experience to appreciate each other. There’s another saying and I it goes something like
“If you let go of love and it returns, you will know its true love and if it doesn’t return it was never meant to be”

[m4xx]

I guess that's what you get when you try and be a pro in dating women. you date women, cause that's what you can do so well.

problem with that? a girlfriend wouldn't be too eager in supporting it I guess.

after I read that I felt kinda glad that picking up women is not my best skill

hope you and your gf will get happy, together or not.

[pianoperformer]

I dont' know, I guess I'm not understanding. You have the greatest girl you've ever met, yet you want to find others? I think it sounds selfish to me.

I can't tell you what to do, but I'd look at what you have and ask yourself if you want to ruin it.

[Squid]

If you decide to break up with her to explore the possibilities don't tell her that you're doing it for the reason that you are.

How do you feel about her exploring her sexuality with other men?

Perhaps she feels the same way and she can't find a tactful way to get out of your relationship.

You must also deal with the possibility that one of those other men will satisfy her needs in ways that you can't and she will not want you back once you have sowed your seeds.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Mr_A

I believe you do need those hollow sexually experiences so you can truly appreciate true love.

That might be as true in this case as it might be in others, but then it might also not have to be that way.

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." Confucius

If you choose to learn by experience in this matter you risk the love you've already found, you know so yourself.

The only question is whether you can master the lesson that having sex with countless women can teach you without actually living it out.

Now, how would having sex with countless women who mean nothing to you enrich your life or theirs? What do you wish to gain by it beyond physical pleasure, which you already get? All cats are gray at night; I'd predict having one pretty girl in bed whom you don't care about will in the end be very much the same as any other pretty girl you don't care about, once the thrill of it all has worn off. The way I see it, it is foolish to sacrifice love for lust, cause lust is less than you got now.

Who really knows how long you have this love? Life isn't as predictable as one would often like. You seem to feel caught like a fish on the hook, talking about a settled future that might never be instead of fully enjoying the richness of your life right now. This IS the time of your life and you're spending it with someone wonderful, someone who might not even be around anymore tomorrow. Think about it, if your girlfriend were to die tomorrow, would you spend today laying some faceless hot chick you don't give a rat's ass about?

Today is all you really got, don't act cause of the past or on an imagined scary future, but make the most of today and the love you've been granted right now.

Just mho.

[m4xx]

hmm,
are you sure your girl is the right one for you, rbhambha?

[rbhambha]

Brilliant insight guys, just what I was looking for.

Some of the insights that I've had after reading your posts are the following:

1. My emotions are coming from a place of fear, rather than a place of love. This conflict is taking place in my mind because I fear not being able to experience what it would be like to have sex with many other women in the future,

2. Tigerlilly, that quote by Confucius is incredible. Thanks so much for posting it here. That's exactly what I needed to get my head back to the place where it's supposed to be. I will spend time thinking through the situation, and imagine the lust filled lifestyle as realistically as possible. I'm sure this will allow me to learn some of the same lessons that I would have if I had actually experienced the lustful lifestyle.

3. I have something that everyone hopes for. I know that all of the pick up artists and guys out there who are able with women would be looking for exactly what I have. I got lucky finding my girlfriend, because I know that if I were to be single again and looking for a serious relationship, I would have to probably meet thousands of women to come across one who's anywhere near where my current girlfriend is in my books.

4. It's time to start appreciating what I do have, rather than focusing on what I don't have. lol.

Thanks a bunch for all of your insight. And m4xx, yes, I'm sure she's the right woman for me.

- Rahul

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by rbhambha

Every time I'm out and I see a super attractive girl, I KNOW I can easily walk up to her, attract her, and have sex with her shortly after.

Yes, perhaps I'm an idiot,

Perhaps, but you sound more deluded than idiot.

[Mr_A]

"She's the epitome of sweet misery
The sweeter the stroke, the deeper the pain given
Posed as a angel, angle sex-driven
Dangerous sex kitten, warm as a mitten
Fitt’n’ like a glove, with abstract relations
Test’n’ all my patience, push comes to shove
Emotional masturbation" Korn


I just believe that some mistakes, are just too much fun not to make

[rbhambha]

Originally Posted by Mr_A

"She's the epitome of sweet misery
The sweeter the stroke, the deeper the pain given
Posed as a angel, angle sex-driven
Dangerous sex kitten, warm as a mitten
Fitt’n’ like a glove, with abstract relations
Test’n’ all my patience, push comes to shove
Emotional masturbation" Korn


I just believe that some mistakes, are just too much fun not to make

Those are some great lyrics

Yes I think you are right, we've got one life to live and the "man-whore" type of life would be a fun one to live, but I don't think I'm going to worry about it right now. I'll just enjoy my time with my girlfriend and enjoy it as much as possible, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If it does, it does.

haha, but I definitely agree with what you're saying.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Like you said, it sounds like you're thinking more of what you don't have - lustful relationships - rather than what you do have - meaningful relationship. I often find myself thinking the exact same thing that you do. Try imagining yourself in the position of the frequent, lustful relationships and imagine what you won't have then. Hopefully that'll help you appreciate your girl more. Good luck.

[robc]

Originally Posted by rbhambha

Hi all,

The reason I'm posting this situation here at stevepavlina.com is because in the past, I've always obtained great insight from other users' posts. I'm confident this time will be more of the same.

Here's a little background. When I was 16 years old (I'm 21 now), I got into my first relationship with a girl I met through a friend. I was attracted to her, but it was more of a "you like me, so I like you" scenario. She was my first everything (relationship, kiss, sex, etc.) and we were together for about 3 years (December 2002 - October 2005). Somewhere in the midst of the relationship boundaries were crossed and we lost all respect for each others standards and preferences. It morphed into a destructive relationship right underneath my nose and I was none the wiser. She became physically abusive and would pitch fits whenever she couldn't exert control over my life. I became highly irritated and frustrated because I couldn't get her to see my point of view and relinquish her control over my life. Finally I broke up with her, but she remained in my life and it was kind of like we were still together minus the title.

I decided after nearly 3 years that it was time to make some changes. Sadly, I didn't know what to do and I was absolutely terrible at talking to other girls. I was powerless to change my dating situation. Luckily, I stumbled across David DeAngelo's dating materials over a Thanksgiving break (November 2005), and dedicated myself to learning everything he taught in his materials. During the summer 6 months later (July 2006), I locked myself in my room for 8 hours a day and studied everything under the sun on women and dating. After the summer I went out and applied all of the concepts I had learned, and amazingly all of the mind exercises, NLP, and belief changing exercises had completely changed the way I looked at things. I was suddenly much more capable of attracting women, and was more in touch with my inner-self than ever before.

5 months earlier (January 2006) I was out with some of my friends, and through them I met an incredibly attractive girl (I remember thinking, whoa). She also had an aura about her. She seemed like she had a much stronger identity than any other girl I'd met before, regardless of age (I had met quite a few girls between Nov. 2005 and Jan 2006). She seemed to be a "1 in a million" type girl. Having assimilated many of the concepts taught by David DeAngelo, I thought I would test my abilities with this girl. We hit it off right away, but unfortunately she lived in Houston and was just visiting with my friends, and I lived in Austin while attending UT. I didn't talk to her again for a good 3 months. When I saw her again randomly at a BBQ at my best friend's place we flirted constantly, and I knew that no matter what she and I would be together soon enough. She was extremely witty, mentally sharp, and overall a great challenge for my abilities. I hadn't met a girl like this before.

Over the next few months I saw her on and off, and finally we got together in September of 2006 (long story short, lol). It took such a long time because we lived in different cities and hardly ever saw or talked to each other. We've been happy ever since, and the relationship is incredible. I've studied relationships in depth so I started this one off right, and it's stayed right ever since. We're very close. I can honestly say I love her very much, and I can honestly say I have no complaints. Then what's the point of this post you may ask? Allow me to explain!

While my current girlfriend is super attractive (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc), and I can't say any girl I've seen anywhere is more attractive than she is to me, I still find myself physically attracted to other girls. I know this is normal as I'm a male and that's just how we are, but it drives me crazy. I know what my girlfriend and I share is very hard to come by. However, I'm 21 years old, and I feel that between November 2005 and September 2006 I hadn't experienced enough sexually with enough women to get this lust out of my system. When I look back at myself and I see the Rahul who got with his girlfriend in September of 2006, I say to myself, "Wow Rahul, you were terrible with women." Through her being the incredibly challenging, sexy, vivacious girl that she is, I've transformed into a man, and my abilities with women are now totally innate and natural. I'm thinking to myself, "If I was capable of attracting a girl like my girlfriend when I was just beginning, what am I capable of NOW?"

This time in my life will never come again, and once I'm older that WILL NOT be the time to say "Hey honey, I'm gonna take a break from us for a little while and check out some of the other fish in the sea. Tell the kids I love them and I'll be back after being with 30 other younger women!" I feel like the time to explore is now, however I have something incredibly great and I don't want to lose it. I know there are plenty of great women out there, but that's not what I'm interested in. I already have a great woman. The only thing I'm interested in is having sex with other women (lol, I realize how ridiculous this sounds). Not on an emotional level, just on a purely physical level. My sex life with my current girlfriend is great however, so that's definitely not the problem.

I understand letting go of my girlfriend will be the biggest mistake of my life, and I couldn't do it if I tried because I am so into her. However, how the HELL do I get rid of this subconscious lust driven urge that's driving me crazy? Is there something I'm overlooking, or do I need to bite the bullet and get it out of my system? It would be one thing if I was just some dude who got lucky with his girlfriend and had no selection when it came to women. But I'm not. Every time I'm out and I see a super attractive girl, I KNOW I can easily walk up to her, attract her, and have sex with her shortly after. Knowing this is possible makes the urge not just some unattainable fantasy, it's a real possibility.

Yes, perhaps I'm an idiot, but this is my issue nonetheless. Feel free to let me know what you think and share your suggestions on how I can deal with this "problem". Thanks so much in advance. You guys are great!

Your hunger or lust, whatever you want to call it, won't go away.
It's in you, it's a part of your being and it's not something you can erase even if you go out and bed 30 hotties every day for next month or year. You are realizing that you are a very sexual person and that you could probably be with several different women.

It's true, you could do all of that. The only person limiting you is you.

However, even after you do all of this, that hunger will still exist, it won't go away, I know that for sure.

Is the current woman you're with, marriage material? Do you love her? Is this someone you can spend the rest of your life with? Is this current relationship you? Does she satisfy you physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.? Is she your best friend? Are you hers?

If she really isn't the best you think you can have, it's better to let her know now and let her go gently instead of telling her after you've indulged your hungers.

Otherwise just realize that these hungers are a part of you, they won't go away (seriously they won't, if you believe you can go out a "sow your wild oats" and be done after that, you're mistaken, the hunger for other women will always be there), they will always exist and be satisfied with the beautiful woman you're with now and focus on satisfying each other fully.