Kids: To Have or Not to Have?

[FreelanceWanderer]

Some of you may remember that I started a thread months ago about beginning the adoption process. My husband and I are close to 40 and financially secure with good freelance jobs. We also love kids but the idea of having our own never struck us until recently. We had always thought that if we ever did decide to have kids, we would adopt.

Well, we put a hold on the adoption process when I started having panic attacks that lasted all day, every day, for five months. But now that my doc has finally found a combo of meds that has kept me panic attack-free for the last 6 weeks, we're starting up the adoption process again.

My opinion on whether to have kids changes on a minute-by-minute basis -- no joke. I get a warm fuzzy feeling and start decorating the nursery in my mind, and then 30 seconds later I read about someone who volunteered in Africa for 6 months and think, "I'll never get to do something like that once we have a kid." Thirty seconds after THAT, I'll think, "If we never have kids we'll regret it when we're 60 and all our friends are bragging about their grandkids."

A friend told me that once you feel 80% ready to have kids, you're ready -- because you will ever be 100% ready. Another told me that when you get to the point where you can't stop thinking about it, you're ready.

I don't understand how people can get married and then have kids, so natural and easy. It seems it's a given for most people and they don't go through this soul-searching. The decision for us has been so tough. My husband has been supportive and is willing to go either way.

We are restarting the adoption process -- I just need a note from my doc who treated me for the panic saying that I'm fit. I just wish I could feel secure in our decision!

What do you think? How do you know when you're ready?

Thanks,

FW

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think that for a lot of people it's not even really a considered decision. It's just the societal default. For me, I've always wanted to have kids one way or another. I don't think anyone can ever be 100% ready to have kids, but I think you can be 100% sure you want to. You can also be 100% sure you don't want kids. If you fall somewhere in the middle, I think you just make a decision and decide to work it out and not regret it. Most of the "issues" that stop people from wanting kids can be worked around, in my opinion (that is not to say that anyone should want kids, just that if you kind of do, but are just concerned about the how it can be overcome). Who says you can't go to Africa for 6 months if you have a kid? I plan on taking my kids everywhere. What an experience! I wish I'd had some of that growing up.

You say you both love kids, you are financially secure. You are obviously very intelligent so I think any of the questions are things that you could easily come up with solutions to. Let's see, if I said well, just be a doting aunt and uncle to your sibling's kids what would you say?

[Angela]

Well, think of it as a game. So far, the game you've been playing has been a child-free one -- almost 40 years of it. Are you at a point in your personal development where you are willing to commit to a game that is pretty much 99.9999% non-stop giving? I would see what happens in your thinking if you let go of considering what you are going to get or give up getting if you adopt a child, and think about what your game will look like if you were to be all generosity, all the time? What kind of rules would you build into this game so that you can recharge your batteries when necessary, and to be able to build in some sub-games, like volunteering in Africa WITH your child (it's not impossible, you know), so that you are playing a game that has you experiencing the joy and abundance that is you?

You sound like you would make a wonderful parent. You also sound like you'd make a fabulous child-free person. Aren't you glad you get to choose? How's that for abundance?

[Lauxa]

You could try getting certified for foster parenting and see how that goes. If you foster, you don't have to make a long-term commitment right away and you'll be providing a safe place for some kid who might really need it.

You might be able to go to Africa for 6 months with a kid, but probably not as a volunteer, not with a little one. When they are little they will keep you running and it is hard to find spare cycles to do almost anything. Babies are very time consuming! aspiring, if you know of any volunteer programs where young kids are welcome, let me know because I have not heard of them! Mine are 4 and 2 and so far even vacations have been far from the pleasant retreats I remember from the BC (before children) years, they need someone to watch them almost 24/7. Of course, if you adopt you could get an older child... I always thought about 5-7 years old would be perfect...

For me, I decided to have kids when I was financially ready. I wanted us to have enough $$ set aside so I would have an option of working or not without endangering our future retirement. I also wanted to start young-ish so that I would (1) have the energy to keep up with them (2) have some good years left after they were grown up and (3) be young enough to enjoy grandchildren.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

aspiring, if you know of any volunteer programs where young kids are welcome, let me know because I have not heard of them!

You know, I am not speaking from experience here, but missionaries have done it for ages so I am sure it's possible. I don't have a list of volunteer organizations that let you bring your kids, but I also don't think that there is a limit to what you can do if you really want to. I know people who lived in an RV with two kids and just travelled around. Most people would find that impractical if not impossible, but they loved it.

I think your idea about fostering is really great! FW, there are a lot of kids who could use that help AND you may find that you meet a really special child that takes away all your questions about becoming a parent -- or -- you may find you don't want to be a full time parent after all.

[FreelanceWanderer]

Thanks for your great replies!

I guess you could say we're more ready than we are sure!

We don't actually want to volunteer in Africa for six months; that was just an example of one of the many things I see or read that will set me off thinking, "If we have kids, we'll never be able to do X" (or won't be able to do it for years).

Angela, I am so ready for the 99% giving. I feel like there's something missing sometimes, and I really want to help or take care of someone else for a change instead of going through life thinking only about myself. I know that sounds weird, but there you have it.

There are so many adoption options through this agency we're with, especially because we're open to race and age. We'll be speaking with the agency about foster-to-adopt, infant adoption (which is what we had already put in motion before I became ill), and adopting from Ethiopia.

This time around, we're not telling anyone about our plans until they're very certain...last time, we started telling people and then had to explain to them all when we had put it on hold, and had to answer uncomfortable and sometimes prying questions (and comments like, "everybody gets a little nervous when they adopt"). The bad thing is, you need to get letters of reference from five people, so there are five people we need to keep informed, whereas I'd rather tell *nobody* until it's a done deal.

So I think we're in. I just need to get that letter from my psychiatrist saying that the panic disorder won't keep me from being a fit parent. He didn't return my call today, and I'm worried that he'll think I need more time to be sure.

Thanks again,

FW

[Alexjstrandberg]

I'd suggest only having kids if your relationship is somewhat or close to being rock solid. Kids put a major strain on everything you do and if your relationship isn't good then all three of you will suffer.

It's great that both of you are financially secure before considering adoption. A LOT of families jump right into having kids and can barely support themselves. The financial strain hurts the whole family.

The answers to whether or not you want kids can always be found on the inside. I suggest taking some time to relax, breathe deeply. The decision isn't a logical one but one that comes from the heart. You need to ignore the thoughts that race through your head for the true answers to come through. If it's right, you will just know.

Good luck on your decision.

[ns123]

FreelanceWanderer,

I was married and incredibly happy and secure for 6 years before we decided to have a child. And I absolutely adored children, always have since I was a small child.

I had the same fear you have. If I have a child, I won't be able to do this, or that, or follow whatever... well, I've had a child, and you know what? I DON'T WANT to do this, or that, or whatever anymore. Having a child opened me up to completely and entirely new experiences that I never imagined before. Never even thought of!

Before we had children, we traveled a lot - all over the world, visiting many different countries. It was fast moving, exciting, and great to talk about. Now that we have a child (we will have more), our life is so boring to talk about. No jet-setting to exotic countries. But you know what? I don't miss the exotic countries! My every day life is blessed and a gift just because I can spend it with my son. I tell people, before you have kids, you have lots of freedom to experience things that are really cool to talk about, but after you have kids, every day is an awesome amazing experience, but very boring to talk about.

Before we had children, another one of my fears was, will this change us? I am happy now - I love my husband. I love my freedom. Why do I want to change that? But like you, I felt like I was missing something. Like something was wrong, but not really wrong, but not quite right. It was my signal, my sign, from my inner voice, telling me I was ready to move to another level.

I don't miss my old exciting life. I don't miss the adventures I had in exotic places. My every day life is exciting, around every corner a new experience, a flashlight in the dark lights the way to new adventure. It's all a matter of perspective. And really, before I had my son, I never even imagined it would be this amazing.

So if your inner voice is telling you something, listen to it.

[FreelanceWanderer]

Thank you! Alex, you are so right. My inner voice is saying "yes," but it's hard not to listen to the racing thoughts that say "yes," "maybe," "no," "well, kinda-sorta." Also, yes -- my relationship with my husband is wonderful and very strong, so no worries on that front.

ns123, that's very inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing it.

FW