When they don't even know what they need

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I'm baaaackkk.

Wondering how you can help someone out when they don't really know what would help?

In this situation, my bf is going through a lot of really emotionally trying things right now. It's stressing him, he feels really sad and angry at the same time. Just realizing that, I am able to remember not to take it personally when he's having a bad day or isn't really emotionally available. It doesn't seem to help to try to come up with solutions. When I just listen and sympathize he seems to be waiting for more. When I ask him what I can do, he doesn't have an answer.

So, how do you help someone who wants your help, but doesn't know what would work?

So far, I've come up with continuing to generate the following: freedom, connection, love, peace and acceptance. I think that's a great thing to do, but I wonder if I can do more, while at the same time respecting that he has his own responsibility. It seems he wants to feel better, wants help. But at the same time he says I shouldn't have to worry about making things better for him (a sort of macho, I should be able to take care of it myself kind of thing and also feeling really bad because he isn't doing so effectively). I remind him that he wants to help me when I feel badly, etc. And so we want to be there for each other, only he doesn't know what would work.

(I'm pretty easy, I usually just want to have him listen and feel that he "gets" what I am saying and then give me a big hug).

Thank you. Sorry for rambling, I don't know if I make sense sometimes.

[Angela]

(I'm pretty easy, I usually just want to have him listen and feel that he "gets" what I am saying and then give me a big hug).

Isn't it possible that he wants the same thing?

When I'm feeling stressed out (when I used to feel stressed out, I mean ), I retreat into solitary solace. I don't want anyone hovering over me, worrying about how to make me feel better, because it can occur for me like just one more stressor -- "oh, great; on top of everything else I have to soothe his worry and somehow convince him I'm okay and that I just need a little quiet time to decompress." I guess that sounds sort of guy-like, huh? Men are from Mars, going into their cave and all that? Oh, but wait! Your boyfriend is a guy!

[Dan.Linehan]

Is he sad and angry but wants to feel better about it? Or is he sad and angry but just wants to mope around in it for a while? Those are two totally different scenarios.

If he is genuinely looking to feel better about things you can spend some time discussing what situations are happening in his life that might be making him feel down, then plan some steps to improve on those situations together. For example, if his family is bringing him down, you could write out a plan to gain a bit more independence from them.

Or, just align with what makes you both happy: more time outdoors, go see a concert, visit the countryside, etc. Whatever you guys do for activities to have fun.

But, if he is just wanting to mope though -- which is kind of what this sounds like -- you'll just have to let him. He has to want to be happy, joyous, inspired. You can't force those things on him.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I'm baaaackkk.

Wondering how you can help someone out when they don't really know what would help?

In this situation, my bf is going through a lot of really emotionally trying things right now. It's stressing him, he feels really sad and angry at the same time. Just realizing that, I am able to remember not to take it personally when he's having a bad day or isn't really emotionally available. It doesn't seem to help to try to come up with solutions. When I just listen and sympathize he seems to be waiting for more. When I ask him what I can do, he doesn't have an answer.

So, how do you help someone who wants your help, but doesn't know what would work?

So far, I've come up with continuing to generate the following: freedom, connection, love, peace and acceptance. I think that's a great thing to do, but I wonder if I can do more, while at the same time respecting that he has his own responsibility. It seems he wants to feel better, wants help. But at the same time he says I shouldn't have to worry about making things better for him (a sort of macho, I should be able to take care of it myself kind of thing and also feeling really bad because he isn't doing so effectively). I remind him that he wants to help me when I feel badly, etc. And so we want to be there for each other, only he doesn't know what would work.

(I'm pretty easy, I usually just want to have him listen and feel that he "gets" what I am saying and then give me a big hug).

Thank you. Sorry for rambling, I don't know if I make sense sometimes.

When I'm down and out, getting special treatment from my wife is always appreciated. She'll surprise me with hugs and making me food... Like an impromptu "Husband Cheer up Day". Just little things to let me know she loves me and I'll get through it.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

(I'm pretty easy, I usually just want to have him listen and feel that he "gets" what I am saying and then give me a big hug).

Ahh, isn't that precious.

I'm not being sarcastic, you sound like a sweet person. He is lucky to have someone so caring. Why is he unhappy?

[Marco Polo]

Give him a BJ and make him a sandwich. Sorry for being crude, but I just intuitively know he'll appreciate that...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

That's a good point. And sometimes I can really feel that he just wants to be left alone to veg out and watch tv and not have to think about it. In fact, I guess mostly he wants to just pretend it's not happening and block it out. So I should just let him do that. But then sometimes it seems like he wants me to do something, but no one knows quite what. I feel like I am getting a little better at reading the times he just wants to be left alone or engage in something totally not related so he doesn't have to feel bad.

Argh. Trying too hard again I think.

And a lot of times I am the same way, wanting to be left alone and it is so annoying to have someone trying to figure it out and fix it.

I'll still take more advice, but I think maybe I am just worrying too much.

I could instead (when I notice he's feeling bad) just ask him if there is anything he needs and if he says no or that he doesn't know just leave it at that and go about doing whatever I would normally do.

I just realized something he's been telling me for a long time about why he likes to hang out with his friends so much. Sometimes I get kind of jealous that he just wants to spend all his free time with people he already sees all day at work. And he says that the reason is because with them they don't really care about what he's going through. I mean, maybe they do care but it's a guy kind of caring where there is no need to talk about it. I guess it's understood? And that he can just laugh and bs and do nothing meaning anything at all. They don't ever need to talk about stuff or try to figure it out.

Like what you said, I'm a burden in this situation (and I don't mean that as a dis to myself, just that it is just added stress for him).

Sorry to go all stream of consciousness on you. I just figured out that I want to help him so much I am just making things worse. Thank you.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

Give him a BJ and make him a sandwich. Sorry for being crude, but I just intuitively know he'll appreciate that...

Precious that aint lol.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Woah, sorry, above post was in response to Angela and now I will talk to the rest of you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Is he sad and angry but wants to feel better about it? Or is he sad and angry but just wants to mope around in it for a while? Those are two totally different scenarios.

That's the thing, I think his default mode is moping. But I do also think that some things he would like to find a solution to, but it's too painful to spend time thinking about it.

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If he is genuinely looking to feel better about things you can spend some time discussing what situations are happening in his life that might be making him feel down, then plan some steps to improve on those situations together. For example, if his family is bringing him down, you could write out a plan to gain a bit more independence from them.

Or, just align with what makes you both happy: more time outdoors, go see a concert, visit the countryside, etc. Whatever you guys do for activities to have fun.

Good ideas. We did recently go out to the lake and had a great time. He said that helped. I guess I can also take from that that again he likes to do distracting fun things rather than focus too hard on what's bothering him.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

When I'm down and out, getting special treatment from my wife is always appreciated. She'll surprise me with hugs and making me food... Like an impromptu "Husband Cheer up Day". Just little things to let me know she loves me and I'll get through it.

I definitely do that kind of stuff.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Ahh, isn't that precious.

I'm not being sarcastic, you sound like a sweet person. He is lucky to have someone so caring. Why is he unhappy?

We want to move mid-August. He is working very hard to save money so we can do it. It's easier for me because I have a higher paying job and such. He's really depressed that he hasn't saved more so far. He works in a really physically demanding job, so exhaustion and physical pain pile on top of the stress.

In addition, his brother is joining the Army. Something they were going to do together. He just told me the other day how he doesn't want him to go. He's really scared something will happen to him. I can't really describe the relationship he has with his brother. They can really hate each other, but they are also kind of like one unit. His closest relationships, the people he'd go crazy without, are his siblings. This is really tearing him up and there isn't really anything I can do or say that will help here. I feel helpless to help his helplessness in this situation.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

Give him a BJ and make him a sandwich. Sorry for being crude, but I just intuitively know he'll appreciate that...

I don't think it's crude, it speaks to the fact that he probably just wants distraction and comfort rather than solutions or chats.

I don't know if I want to get into the hang-ups I have in this area, but does that specific act really clinch the feeling good?

[Angela]

Hey, Aspiring, regarding Mope being his default mode, keep in mind that when you move to Alaska you two will be much more in each other's faces -- since you don't know many, if any, people there, you'll rely on each other much more and be together more. Are you prepared to live with man in such close quarters whose default mode is Mope? And also, your default mode might be a bit of a problem for him, too, when you're living effectively as travelers.

You know the old saying, "You can only be as happy as the least happy person in the house." Considering how Alaska is known for its disproportionately high rats of depression, wouldn't it be a good idea to figure out an effective way of dealing with Mope before you enter the tunnel?

You set yourself up with some brilliant challenges, girl!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

disproportionately high rats of depression

Hahhhaaa. Sorry, I am just picturing rats of depression stalking me. Kind of like the ROUSs from The Princess Bride!

Actually, I will probably be spending a lot of time on my own when we move (which is fine, I like that). His work will keep him out for weeks at a time. A whole different set of challenges, but we won't be too much in each other's faces.

I think it will be a good thing actually. I tend to want him around all the time and he feels like it's a lot of work being in bf mode 24/7.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

... but we won't be too much in each other's faces.

Uh-huh. You will be sharing a home, right? So when he's home, he's in Heavy Mope, and when he's away, you are pining and wondering what he's up to. How accurate does that picture sound to you?

What are you doing right now to generate a satisfying life for yourself in Alaska? Have you contacted any groups that are involved in anything you're interested in? Why not make some friends there now, research some fun stuff do on your own, so that you are stepping into a fun, welcoming, compelling future that does not rely on Mr. BF? Are there any nice Alaskans here in these forums?

Why don't you just move here to Santa Monica instead?

[Marco Polo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I don't think it's crude, it speaks to the fact that he probably just wants distraction and comfort rather than solutions or chats.

I don't know if I want to get into the hang-ups I have in this area, but does that specific act really clinch the feeling good?

No worries, just put extra salami in the sandwich or something.

But seriously, yeah, temporary distraction is underestimated I think. Home cooked meal is better than going out... and then just do whatver (not for me to dictate). If you applied it you'd probably find that my advice is effective simply because it's basic. A little bit of hedonism doesn't hurt anyone at least.

And also i'm not terribly good at relationship stuff so you won't get anything more sophisticated from this avatar.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

No worries, just put extra salami in the sandwich or something.

But seriously, yeah, temporary distraction is underestimated I think. Home cooked meal is better than going out... and then just do whatver (not for me to dictate). If you applied it you'd probably find that my advice is effective simply because it's basic. A little bit of hedonism doesn't hurt anyone at least.

And also i'm not terribly good at relationship stuff so you won't get anything more sophisticated from this avatar.

Actually last night I cooked him a really nice meal and left him alone to watch tv and then sat with him and watched tv until bedtime when some nice things happned . So, yeah, your advice was actually good.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Actually last night I cooked him a really nice meal and left him alone to watch tv and then sat with him and watched tv until bedtime when some nice things happned . So, yeah, your advice was actually good.

Funny -- I wouldn't have thought of you as a big TV watcher.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Uh-huh. You will be sharing a home, right? So when he's home, he's in Heavy Mope, and when he's away, you are pining and wondering what he's up to. How accurate does that picture sound to you?

It's odd. That sounds accurate for day to day life now, when I do see him all the time. When we don't see each other all the time the pattern is different. I don't know how that happens.

Originally Posted by Angela

What are you doing right now to generate a satisfying life for yourself in Alaska? Have you contacted any groups that are involved in anything you're interested in? Why not make some friends there now, research some fun stuff do on your own, so that you are stepping into a fun, welcoming, compelling future that does not rely on Mr. BF? Are there any nice Alaskans here in these forums?

Well, I haven't gotten in touch with any groups, but I am really looking forward to some solitude away from all the demands of my current life. I am planning to spend the extra free time to work on some web projects and do things that I like but he doesn't like so much.

Originally Posted by Angela

Why don't you just move here to Santa Monica instead?