My Marriage

[Captain Cloudchaser]

I think I can trust all you guys to help me out with a problem that's been on my mind for a long time. I would really appreciate any input!

I've been married almost 5 years. My hubby is 11 years older than me, I got married when I was 19. I'm not sure if it was a good idea.

I knew my hubby for years before. I had just been dumped by someone I considered my 'soul mate' and he was there for me. I suppose you could have called it a rebound thing. We only dated for two months before becoming engaged; I moved away from my family to live with his. You could have said that I was using him to escape the negativity of my family. I was in a whole new world. It was fun, he's a great guy, quite youthful (Read; immature) for his age. But as soon as the honeymoon was over I became really depressed. I had struggled with depression in school, and this thing lasted for a good few years. I figured it was a part of growing up, I had gone from living with my parents to living with a whole new set, I tried to find a job, I didn't know my purpose, I was still a kid, basically.

The past year or so I've grown a lot. I've been studying, becoming more aware, I've 'grown out' of my depression, I feel like I'm turning into a proper adult now. The problem is that I don't feel independent; I'm totally dependent on him and sometimes I don't know if he actually respects me or loves me. We don't really have any shared interests, we don't really talk in-depth about stuff; I've spoken to him about this before, he has this habit of becoming impatient with me and we just really struggle to communicate. You could describe it as me being a feeler and he is a thinker; we clash, rather than complement, sometimes I find him to be rather invalidating and stifling. We don't even engage with each other on a deep emotional level.

We're not exactly sexually compatible either. He has something he likes, and whenever 'sex' comes up, it's usually what he wants, which frustrates me. He doesn't seem to like 'intercourse' and we have sex a few times a year. It didn't bother me at first, but it feels like we're flat mates, siblings, it feels like that is how I love him. We hug, hold hands, but that's about as intimate as it gets.

Right at the start of the marriage, a voice inside was telling me not to date him. That voice keeps coming back and telling me this marriage is wrong for us both. I don't know if that is my ego trying to mess things up or what, and it's very confusing and stressful!

For the past year, I have felt like I want to leave, to experience life on my own, to live independently like I have never have, for some reason it feels like he is holding me back. I want to try new things and make my own mistakes (He can be rather judgemental of things he doesn't like or understand), I also have the urge to date more people, have sex with more people, I've only been in two sexual relationships and I want to explore life and people in a greater depth that I can't do in marriage.

And I often have to question; why does he love me? Why are we married? Because I honestly don't know. He is a great guy, fun, likes to hug and will tell me that he loves me, but he won't always say why, and I'm just not sure. I find myself wanting him to admit that he doesn't actually love me so we can both move on, but I don't want to hurt him, and sometimes I think that I've probably hurt his self esteem in someway and he needs help. I'm not sure if I want to leave because it's what I want and what is best, or because I just feel skittish and trapped. But these feelings just won't go away.

I became pregnant a year or so ago too and had a miscarriage. I think that was part of my self development. I can't help but think that it was like a message that we shouldn't have kids in this state. I don't want kids now anyway, I want to go to university next September, I've thought about moving away and living on my own for a year, so that I can have the experience and independence, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But I'm also worried that, I'm gonna live with him for years, constantly uncertain and doubting, wasting his life and mine, when he could be with someone who is more dedicated.

Please help me understand what my head is trying to tell me

[ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Captain Cloudchaser

I think I can trust all you guys to help me out with a problem that's been on my mind for a long time. I would really appreciate any input!

I've been married almost 5 years. My hubby is 11 years older than me, I got married when I was 19. I'm not sure if it was a good idea.

I knew my hubby for years before. I had just been dumped by someone I considered my 'soul mate' and he was there for me. I suppose you could have called it a rebound thing. We only dated for two months before becoming engaged; I moved away from my family to live with his. You could have said that I was using him to escape the negativity of my family. I was in a whole new world. It was fun, he's a great guy, quite youthful (Read; immature) for his age. But as soon as the honeymoon was over I became really depressed. I had struggled with depression in school, and this thing lasted for a good few years. I figured it was a part of growing up, I had gone from living with my parents to living with a whole new set, I tried to find a job, I didn't know my purpose, I was still a kid, basically.

The past year or so I've grown a lot. I've been studying, becoming more aware, I've 'grown out' of my depression, I feel like I'm turning into a proper adult now. The problem is that I don't feel independent; I'm totally dependent on him and sometimes I don't know if he actually respects me or loves me. We don't really have any shared interests, we don't really talk in-depth about stuff; I've spoken to him about this before, he has this habit of becoming impatient with me and we just really struggle to communicate. You could describe it as me being a feeler and he is a thinker; we clash, rather than complement, sometimes I find him to be rather invalidating and stifling. We don't even engage with each other on a deep emotional level.

We're not exactly sexually compatible either. He has something he likes, and whenever 'sex' comes up, it's usually what he wants, which frustrates me. He doesn't seem to like 'intercourse' and we have sex a few times a year. It didn't bother me at first, but it feels like we're flat mates, siblings, it feels like that is how I love him. We hug, hold hands, but that's about as intimate as it gets.

Right at the start of the marriage, a voice inside was telling me not to date him. That voice keeps coming back and telling me this marriage is wrong for us both. I don't know if that is my ego trying to mess things up or what, and it's very confusing and stressful!

For the past year, I have felt like I want to leave, to experience life on my own, to live independently like I have never have, for some reason it feels like he is holding me back. I want to try new things and make my own mistakes (He can be rather judgemental of things he doesn't like or understand), I also have the urge to date more people, have sex with more people, I've only been in two sexual relationships and I want to explore life and people in a greater depth that I can't do in marriage.

And I often have to question; why does he love me? Why are we married? Because I honestly don't know. He is a great guy, fun, likes to hug and will tell me that he loves me, but he won't always say why, and I'm just not sure. I find myself wanting him to admit that he doesn't actually love me so we can both move on, but I don't want to hurt him, and sometimes I think that I've probably hurt his self esteem in someway and he needs help. I'm not sure if I want to leave because it's what I want and what is best, or because I just feel skittish and trapped. But these feelings just won't go away.

I became pregnant a year or so ago too and had a miscarriage. I think that was part of my self development. I can't help but think that it was like a message that we shouldn't have kids in this state. I don't want kids now anyway, I want to go to university next September, I've thought about moving away and living on my own for a year, so that I can have the experience and independence, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But I'm also worried that, I'm gonna live with him for years, constantly uncertain and doubting, wasting his life and mine, when he could be with someone who is more dedicated.

Please help me understand what my head is trying to tell me

DeJaVu.....BIG TIME. Met my husband when I was 19 and on the rebound from a serious relationship where he left me for someone else. Got married 2 months after we started dating. Then over the next few years, I grew up.

Here's my take. You may not like it. It's been attacked before.

I think men who are attracted to very young women usually are on the immature side. They don't go after women their age for a reason. Grown up women don't want them. So they marry a kid thinking she'll stay a kid but she grows up. He, however, is as mature as he's going to get. It was WYSIWYG when they got married.

The immaturity leads to them doing what they want not what you want, hence the no common interests. Let me guess, unless you want to do what he wants to do, you're not doing anything???

The bottom line is, you grew up. Now you have to decide what to do. I had strong religious reasons for standing by my vows so I went to college while married and started a career which covered the pain for a while. When that wasn't enough, I had kids. Then last year it all came to a head. We're back together but on shaky ground.

I won't tell you to stay and I won't tell you to leave. Your beliefs have to guide you there. Being married to someone who is on the immature side is frustrating. He may or may not decide to grow up some day (my husband has actually made a lot of headway since we got back together). The problem is, something has to happen to make him realize he needs to grow up first.

The bottom line is, you grew up, he didn't. You've outgrown your reasons for marrying him, which were not good reasons. Is that his fault? Should you put him through a divorce because of it? Only you can answer that.

Good luck.

[ZHereford]

Captain Cloudchaser, it sounds like the two of you got together and are staying together for all the wrong reasons. The fact that there is little communication and even less common ground doesn't help.

As ivorytickler has said, it's up to you what you want to do. Perhaps some counseling might help. It will at least show you both where you're at and what can be done. Regardless, life is too short to spend on regrets or not doing what is right for you.

[impaul99]

There is an excellent DVD set out by Anthony Robbins on Relationships. It's like 6 DVD's I think and it explores this kind of stuff in detail.

It's really good because it's not all about "How to save a relationship." Meaning, he helps you to get to the point where you know how to make a decision.

I don't remember the exact scenario's but I think one guy in there has a wife and they are about to go through a divorce. Why? Because he wants to play in his band, and his wife is always on his case. However, she's fed up with him as well. At first this seems like the typical male wanting to hang out with his buddies instead of his wife, and he should just get real and stay home with his wife type of thing, but Tony is really good at getting to the core of the issue which isn't that at all.

What he discovers is that the reason the woman was attracted to him in the first place IS because he was a bit "dangerous" and played in a band etc. And what happened is as he started spending more time with her, he lost his "dangerous" side which made her less attracted to him but she would want to spend more time with him to make up for the loss in attraction, which led him to play less in the band (no time), and the spiral continued.

That was just one dynamic aspect of it. There were others and Tony goes through and shows people how to overcome that.

I would have to say it is probably the best material on DVD I've ever seen from Tony. He actually swears at people in there and isn't afraid to tell people how it is.

At the end of the day, some of the relationship stuff in there he teaches results in people saving their marriages, while others become super good friends but end up deciding to split up and meet other people.

The bottom line is that regardless whether THIS person is the man for you, I think you would benefit from learning relationship skills. Then, you can do what you can to save this relationship or have the tools to properly end it and get into a healthy relationship. Sometimes what we think is broken with our relationship isn't actually THAT THING at all.

For example, you say that you're not exactly "sexually compatible" and it's all about what he wants and you only end up having sex a couple times a year. Maybe there is an underlying problem that has nothing to do with sex here. Meaning, what if you leave this guy, get into a relationship with someone totally different and supposedly "sexually compatible" with you, and then 6 months later you find yourself in the exact same spot you are now! :|

I'm not a relationship expert or therapist, but I have been around personal development long enough to know that a lot of time surface problems have roots that stem from something totally different. For example, maybe he has absolutely no clue how to make you happy sexually so he clings onto the only thing he knows...which frustrates you. Maybe he's afraid of trying something different because early on in the relationship when he tried something else you laughed at him, or even just "giggled" which he interpreted as a laugh. There could be many reasons for it.

Maybe the issue is related to something TOTALLY different and totally unrelated to the bedroom. Like perhaps maybe he's using the "lack of sex" as a punishment for something else. Or maybe he's got a medical condition that he's not very proud of and afraid to talk to you about. Maybe he's totally scared of losing you to younger men with more virility. Who knows.

Bottom line is this. The only people that can make this relationship work is you and him. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. Therefore, the best thing to do would be to get good at "relationship stuff" yourself, work on your own issues, and start to communicate with the guy. If you "get your stuff together" and try to communicate with him to make it work and he shuts down and isn't interested, maybe it's time to move on. Bring it up. Tell him that you love him and want to make it work, but it seems like he's fighting you and you're afraid of the relationship falling apart if you don't address certain issues. If he just blatantly doesn't give a crap then you've got your answer. Find someone else who will want to work on a relationship with you.

Hope that helps from a male perspective.

One other thing I'd like to add. If you guys are fighting and the relationship isn't working, I wouldn't put a lot of weight on your perspective of how "compatible" you are. When you're mad at someone all you're going to see is how different and uncompatible you guys are. You'd be surprised how quickly all that can melt away if you fix the actual root of the problem. All of a sudden you find stuff you like doing together and the "uncompatibility" stuff disappears. His differences become an asset instead of a liability. On the converse, if you DON'T like someone, I don't care if they like to have sex exactly like you, play the exact same sports as you, want to do the exact same activites, and are totally "compatible" with you, they'll drive you nuts because you just don't like them (for whatever reason).

I wouldn't throw away a relationship because he likes to stay at home and play a video game, and you like to go out with your friends and socialize. The differences between men and women only become problems if there is no relationship to base them on in the first place. Something to think about.

[Angela]

Hi, Captain! Here's something I don't hear anywhere in your post: that you love him, or even like him very much. What does that say to you?

I recommend a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" which is a great tool for helping you to see things clearly.

There's one especially great quote in there: "If it was never very good, it'll never be very good." The book takes you through one important marriage issue at a time, so you can get clarity through all the confusion of all the pros and cons.

Best wishes to you. It's good that you are named "Captain" -- that shows something about what you are up to in life.

[Captain Cloudchaser]

Thank you for the replies guys, I really appreciate it. As I said, it's been something on my mind for a long time. I felt the same way with my first boyfriend, and splitting up with him was one of the hardest things I ever did because it hurt him so much.

Angela, I do love him, but maybe in a sibling/best friend kind of way. I don't actually believe in monogamous relationships anymore, the changes I've gone through have affected a lot of my opinions and beliefs and I don't think I want to be tied down to just one person in a traditional kind of relationship. But I'm not sure if this means something deeper than me being uncommitted and immature myself. It feels like I love many people in different ways, which is okay, but then I start to imagine what it would be like to date certain people and I find myself just wanting to experience more; and I can't if I'm already in a relationship, obviously!

I mentioned that I'm going to university next September. I've thought about living in student halls on my own for a year to see how I feel after that; whether I like being on my own or if it is enough for me. Perhaps if I had more independence in the relationship I might not feel so stifled sometimes. He's been very supportive of me over the years, so to feel this way just makes me feel incredibly guilty.

impaul99, I don't look for reasons as to why we're a bad match or not. The thing that bothers me when I talk about compatibility is that he never seems willing to talk about things, he gets impatient with me, like he needs to explain every thing whereas I just want to understand. It feels like he knows what is right and I should just listen to him; I want to make up my own mind and make my own mistakes when it comes to stuff like that. Maybe he's just not good at expressing himself. I've emailed him about it before, how I kinda want us to work together as a team, rather than conflict and have opposing views all the time, but he never responded back, he just kept forgetting. Maybe I should nudge him again.

I'm also not sure if he is aware of how I feel. Maybe he is very aware and that's why there seems to be so much distance between us. We do things, we have a laugh; but it's the kind of relationship I could have with a friend or brother, not with a husband or lover. Perhaps I should explain that too, because he doesn't seem to notice or see anything wrong with it?

Thanks again for your support!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Captain Cloudchaser

We do things, we have a laugh; but it's the kind of relationship I could have with a friend or brother, not with a husband or lover. Perhaps I should explain that too, because he doesn't seem to notice or see anything wrong with it?

One possibility is that maybe this is what he thinks a relationship is -- to him there may not be anything wrong with it at all.

But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him if you don't want to. I'd suggest working on yourself for a bit first, taking the advice here, reading the book Angela recommended -- and then making a decision.

Maybe you guys could even have an open relationship. How would you feel about that?