rude woman

[sonicpunk32]

I live in an apartment building. There I was standing infront of the mailbox array on the bottom floor. This lady comes up behind me. She stays 6 feet away, and all she does is clear her throat. She doesnt say anything to me like "excuse me" or anything. I turn back and I see her, then she begins walking past me to the mailbox array. I say "hello" and she looks away like I'm scum.

Makes me wish I recognized her intent sooner, otherwise I wouldnt have been so polite and would have instead said "Well excuse me your royal highness" or wouldn't have moved from the mailbox just to piss her off further.

[ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I live in an apartment building. There I was standing infront of the mailbox array on the bottom floor. This lady comes up behind me. She stays 6 feet away, and all she does is clear her throat. She doesnt say anything to me like "excuse me" or anything. I turn back and I see her, then she begins walking past me to the mailbox array. I say "hello" and she looks away like I'm scum.

Makes me wish I recognized her intent sooner, otherwise I wouldnt have been so polite and would have instead said "Well excuse me your royal highness" or wouldn't have moved from the mailbox just to piss her off further.

The best way to deal with such people is to be so, syrupy, sweet that they feel guilty for the rest of the day for being jerks.

[sonicpunk32]

That would take so much effort that my ego cant put out. You see I'm a very sensitive person and I take many things personally sometimes. If I did what you're describing, I would be putting out my heart to be trampled upon by a person who doesnt deserve my kindness. My best defense for situations like these is to ignore the people. But when I wasnt so ready for such negativity, I'm even more hurt because I didnt see it coming.

[sonicpunk32]

I have always wondered. How is it possible to ignore negative people and be happy in their presense when their negativity affects or has considerable control over the outcomes of your life. Like say, this negative person has influence over the people around you and can spread their negativity to the others at your expense. I mean, how can you ignore that?

[kboleski]

You know, that lady's negativity and rudeness is her problem. Don't let it become yours. It is not a matter of letting your heart get stomped on. It is a mature matter of seeing it for what it is, seeing her actions for what they are and not giving them the time of day to ruin even ONE moment of it. That would mean that that negative woman, full of ego, had some kind of power over you, if only for a moment. Don't let that happen. Don't open the door to considering anyone's negativity with your heart next time. Look at it with your brain, figure out if there is a silver lining, learn from it if there is a silver lining, apply what you have learned, forget about that lady and her problems and move on with your life. It doesn't have to affect you.

[Captain Cloudchaser]

It was just one small event in the huge spectrum of your life; it's not even worth getting annoyed about, in my opinion!

[sonicpunk32]

I'm annoyed about it because it keeps happening over and over again in my life, and I want to get it right this time. I want to learn to recognize it quicker and act accordingly, more efficiently.

[Captain Cloudchaser]

Why? You want to be able to make a quick comeback at people that make you feel irritated?

I used to get frustrated when people walked all over me with their words. I'm not a very fast thinker, and the stuff I came out with in a hurry not to look stupid, did make me look stupid. In the end I decided that it wasn't worth it; they'll always be people who become impatient and make rude remarks, or don't think, or possibly have a bad day and take it out on someone else. That is their problem to deal with, not yours. Your problem is how you react to such events and what you take from such an experience!

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Captain Cloudchaser

Your problem is how you react to such events and what you take from such an experience!

It's happened so many times in my life, that I'm angry with myself for not figuring out the best way to deal with this that would make ME happy about it. I'm not happy with myself because I said hello to that person. I would have been though, if I didn't. Is that what you would have done?

[Captain Cloudchaser]

To be honest, I'm not sure what I would have done, probably said hello as well, smiled at her, and then walked away thinking "Well that was odd!"

So what do you think would have made you feel happier? Confronting this woman with her rudeness? Making a snappy comeback to her behaviour? In reflection, I mean, how would you have preferred to react?

[sonicpunk32]

I would have preferred my reaction to be one that was well aware of the intention of that woman. In this case, had I known her intent, I would have ignored her, and would have been very happy in doing so, and would have congratulated myself for having done a good job and wouldn't be here right now whining about it on this thread.

[Fullcrum]

The only problem here is that a lady being rude to you has cast a "dark cloud" over your life.

The most efficient act is to fix yourself, and this petty stuff won't be a problem. Haven't people told this to you in other threads? Is it really too much to ask that you develop your sense of centeredness so that petty BS like this doesn't even register on your radar. You'll be happier and better able to deal with life's larger problems, not get caught in this stuff.

[Fullcrum]

No, but you specifically state several times that you are not interested in taking our approahces at all. You say you would not have moved for her "just to piss her off further", and when we tell you things like develop positivity, charisma, or anything, you seem to want to stick to your own way.

Cloudchaser says that he doesn't really deal with this stuff anymore. He says that what's important is what you take from such an experience. For example, it seems Cloudchaser would take from a situation like that that it "doesn't matter what she thought, she might have been having a bad day or something and it doesn't affect me in the least bit." But you reply saying that you would have felt better if you'd have been rude back or ignored her request to get to the mailbox. Is that really how you want to respond to these people the rest of your life? It seems more like a short-sighted emotional reaction.

Being rude back is just being reactive. People who live their lives in a state of reaction tend to die without living a life of true passion, or peace, or whatever it is they value. Many people who live in reaction don't even know their own values, they just take up whatever is around them. They are the "sum of their environment." You should strive to be greater than the sum of your environment.

When I say "fix yourself", I mean saying something like "Well, I might be acting and thinking too negative in this situation and my life in general so I'm going on a 10-day positivity challenge," not "Well I wish I would have snapped back, I hate myself for not ignoring her, I wish I knew her true bad intentions, oh why didn't I do that?"

"Fixing yourself" - It's not an instant fix. It's a path, a path that you choose to set yourself on.

I mean this entire post and the previous post in good humor as someone who wants to help, not make you feel worse. I say this to challenge you, challenge you to step up and not just look for a way to "feel better about yourself." I challenge you to really shine in your own way, to become a centered, powerful, positive person who knows what he wants and goes for it. Not a person who just wants to feel better about their crappy life - that's no way to live!

Live consciously .

[Fullcrum]

Well, at least you're aware of that pattern in you.

Here's a kicker: A lot of these personality traits that are part of so-called "you" are actually really arbitrary. There may have been a tiny genetic predisposition towards certain tendencies, but the environment did the majority of shaping, especially when you were younger. So don't be attached to any of these personality traits - you are at an age where you can consciously decide what serves you and what does not, and discard and reassemble as you want.

It likely won't be easy making these changes, but at least make the decision. All that matters is that you are moving in the right direction. That's the quickest way to getting what you want. And I'm serious.

-----------------

So your friends don't want you to change.

And your family doesn't want you to change.

And your boss doesn't want you to change.

And it seems all the world is against you becoming who you want.



...are you going to let that stop you from becoming the person you want to be? Will you die making excuses and rationalizations about why your one and only life was wasted complaining about other people's limitations on you? Or will you step up and be the person you're meant to be?

I don't care if you're always scattered and inviting negativity. I do not care if your mind is weak right now.

Can you commit to yourself, right now, that you will no longer allow your environment to dictate who you are? That you will no longer stand for the old patterns that held you back for years? Can you commit to this now?

Only then will any of these other things we're saying make sense - from the victim frame, our advice is meaningless.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

It's happened so many times in my life, that I'm angry with myself for not figuring out the best way to deal with this that would make ME happy about it. I'm not happy with myself because I said hello to that person. I would have been though, if I didn't. Is that what you would have done?

It probably happens a lot to me too but I choose not to notice it. I figure people are just dealing with their own problems and I refuse to burden myself with their baggage (price of gas is impossible, their partner cheated on them, their car won't start, their child is sick, who knows what....). Just remember if you are a sponge for peoples' negative energy you will attract it like a magnet. Start by being so happy and joyful every morning that you literally shield yourself from other peoples' bad energy. I guarantee you it will become a non-issue.

[stellasky]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

The only problem here is that a lady being rude to you has cast a "dark cloud" over your life.

Haven't people told this to you in other threads? Is it really too much to ask that you develop your sense of centeredness so that petty BS like this doesn't even register on your radar. You'll be happier and better able to deal with life's larger problems, not get caught in this stuff.

Sounds like sonic is a "Highly Sensitive Person" and people need to understand what that is. It's not a label to attach to either but It's not being a victim, oh how I loathe that word...

It took me years to figure out that I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person) however, when a situation like this happened to me I'd react quickly and rudely back, it was like the rude person pressed a button. I'd feel horrible afterwards realizing that I'd reacted even more rudely and it usually left me shaking, adrenaline activated.
It was a contradiction, if I was soo sensitive how could I react without any sensitivity?
Then I figured out my rude comeback was part of my sensitivity and intolerance for negativity as well as some anger issues.
I'll never forget when a friend calmly told me I was "high strung", I got so angry, not because it was true, because the label didn't fit me. So, Call me Highly Sensitive, but call me High Strung and I may have to call you STUPID.
I hated when friends labeled me "thin skinned" or similar negative variations....Friends that found it so easy to walk away from such a situation without it ruining their day while mine was indeed ruined. Friends that told me not to let "that" person get to me etc etc. Advice that never worked for me, only served to make me feel worse about myself because I couldn't do what they could.

After much introspection, reading about the subject and a few years of maturity, I realized that rude people have their reasons, and may very well be sensitive as well. This gave me perspective.
But, it was their problem, not mine. And, my reaction to it was my problem. Maybe the "rude person" could sense I was sensitive and needed to dump on the "weak" one. Maybe I needed that rude person to puke out my anger out on. The more concious I became, the more layers of s**t I found underneath my exterior. I now make a concious effort regardless of what someone says to stay cool. But, sometimes my sensitivity doesn't allow it because the adrenaline kicks in, I can't breathe and I feel out of control, so I walk away and try to compose myself, letting go of the need to "show them". Now my only concern is to feel good and not let my "slip show".

Reading about Buddhist concepts, taking an aura clearing and meditation class has helped me understand & control my energy and remove negative pictures.
My mother, my brother and I are all very sensitive. It also includes a sensitivity to smell, noise, weather, food, and being overstimulated by events...on the positive side, compassion, intuition & creativity among others...Read "The Highly Sensitive Person" The Highly Sensitive Person for indepth information.



If you find you are a highly sensitive person, or your child is, then you need to be aware of the following points:

• This trait is normal--it is inherited by 15 to 20% of the population, and indeed the same percentage seems to be present in all higher animals.
  
• Being an HSP means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing, and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although they may be). But your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.
  
• Being an HSP also means, necessarily, that you are more easily overstimulated, stressed out, overwhelmed.
  
• This trait is not something new I discovered--it has been mislabeled as shyness (not an inherited trait), introversion (30% of HSPs are actually extraverts), inhibitedness, fearfulness, and the like. HSPs can be these, but none of these are the fundamental trait they have inherited.
  
• The reason for these negative misnomers and general lack of research on the subject is that in this culture being tough and outgoing is the preferred or ideal personality--not high sensitivity. (Therefore in the past the research focus has been on sensitivity's potential negative impact on sociability and boldness, not the phenomenon itself or its purpose.) This cultural bias affects HSPs as much as their trait affects them, as I am sure you realize. Even those who loved you probably told you, "don't be so sensitive," making you feel abnormal when in fact you could do nothing about it and it is not abnormal at all.

[*][/i][/list]

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I would have preferred my reaction to be one that was well aware of the intention of that woman.

What was her intention? How could you possibly know? It sounds like her intention was to check her mail, but when she got there, she couldn't get to it. Am I reading it wrong? That's what it sounds like. And she thought you heard her coming up, but you didn't move -- so now, she thinks *you're* the rude SOB, who wouldn't move out of someone's way. When in your reality, you are just some guy getting your mail... just like her.

I have found that when I'm centered *in* myself, when I take a deep breath and I know how *I'm* feeling, and I've consciously chosen a better feeling... there's really very little anyone can do to get me rattled. Even people who are purposefully a**holes, much less someone who mistakenly thinks I'm being rude.

Have you read The Four Agreements? For some reason it just popped into my mind, even though I haven't read it. (google, google) Ah! Here's why: The Second Agreement is "Don't take anything personally." That's a biggie! But once you get that, your reactions won't be dependent on what's going on around you.

You have a choice to make: You can immerse yourself in books and people who will teach you how to make the snappy comeback, how to be rude back so it leaves people stinging, how to be the "winner" of any encounter you have.

Or... you can spend your energy getting to know yourself, and your triggers so you know when you're out of kilter and not centered. You can choose to be more of a rock in any situation, so things roll off your back. It takes some letting go of ego... are you ready for that?

I can tell you it's been worth it for me.

[stellasky]

You can't possibly know someone's intention beforehand in order to
re-act..but I understand the feeling of wanting to be better prepared for whatever...
When you're meditating you can't really control thoughts or images that pop up, your work is to observe them and go back to meditating.

I guess choosing not to re-act to rudeness is like that.

[Holistic Star]

Maybe SHE's a highly sensitive person,
maybe she went to get her mail and panicked because someone else was there who she thought had seen her but who hadn't,
maybe she was traumatised by the idea of having to ask you to move which was why she didn't respond to the greeting and just looked at you instead.

See if you can find it in you to have some compassion for her, after all she's the one having a rubbish life if that's how she feels all the time.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Maybe SHE's a highly sensitive person,
maybe she went to get her mail and panicked because someone else was there who she thought had seen her but who hadn't,
maybe she was traumatised by the idea of having to ask you to move which was why she didn't respond to the greeting and just looked at you instead.

I highly doubt it. The look on her face was one of disgust.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by stellasky

Sounds like sonic is a "Highly Sensitive Person" and people need to understand what that is. It's not a label to attach to either but It's not being a victim, oh how I loathe that word...

Friends that told me not to let "that" person get to me etc etc. Advice that never worked for me, only served to make me feel worse about myself because I couldn't do what they could.

I am a sensitive person, yes. Many people who have read my energy have told me so.

[Fullcrum]

Interesting.

So what have you taken away from this event that can help you in the future, sonic?

[sonicpunk32]

I've learned that I was sensitive to that woman's treatment of me. Being so sensitive and so unfocused, isnt a healthy path for me. Unlike normal people, I have to work harder to filter out people's negative baggage from affecting me. I've noticed that I can be so easily affected by people's words, no matter how good or bad, a person can just say something, and suddenly, the mental image of it enters my mind, and I completely lose my original mentality.

In the midst of being so aware of people's emotions, the subtle things, I become lost in them. I was unable to hang on to my own emotions. So when that lady did what she did, my world instantly changed, and I was overwhelmed with thoughts I didnt ask for. The only solution many have given me, would be to cleanse myself and focus my mind so that my energies can have the protection it needs.

You could say that is just bullshit, and I just need to not let small things like that affect me. But, I can only say, I'm not you, and this is my approach at not letting things like this affect me. I'm not blaming the lady for being rude, but when things like that happen, I sort of wonder if the world is ending.