How, and when to break up?

[birger]

I have been together with my girlfriend for over 7 months now. We have a nice relationship in every way. However I'm getting a bit bored, I love the first few months of a relationship when everything is exciting and new, but after that it tends to become a bit dull... 7 months is too long...

So the idea of breaking up strikes me for about a minute everyday, but I don't know how, and I'm not 100% sure I should. In past relationships I or my partner has found someone else, so it's been straightforward. Not this time, and I have the impression that she really loves me and that I am her lifeline...

How to break this to her "kindly", and should I do it now, or is it better to wait till after christmas/new year?

*frustrated and confused*

[Matthew Shea]

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you have a lousy reason for breaking up with her. EVERY relationship you EVER have will follow the course you descibe. If you've found someone who really loves you, give her half a chance and stick with her for a while.

If you really have to break up, definitely do it before the holidays. It's easier in the long run not having all kinds of gifts lying around to remind you of your ex.

[Michael Chui]

As for how to do it, I'd suggest you talk over the relationship with her and get her perspective on it. If you start being honest about the way you feel about it, and she doesn't have a good response to that, then you can put it on the table as a possibility and she might even agree. *shrugs*

[Scorpio]

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up, that's your call, but if you just have a general sense of 'the grass is greener' boredom it may help if you inject more excitement into things.

If you fall into a rut and do the same boring stuff all the time, it's easy to blame the relationship or her for being boring when what you're doing is more to blame.

Go out more, go to new places, do new things, try new things in bed, hang out with different people together, and so on. It may take away a lot of the boredom. Or maybe not.

Also, look at your own life. Is it on a downswing? Are you vaguely dissatisfied with things overall? Are you a bit unhappy? In these cases it's easy to be seduced by the (idealized) concept of being with someone new and think that will make you feel better. I find this happens with my own relationship. When I'm a bit down on life I imagine how great it would be to be a bachelor again. I think 'man, my life would be great if I was free to go out and hook up with some random girls.' When life is going better, I stop thinking that way.

[JJP]

You say she really loves you... I think that if she really loves you she will let you go no matter what, for whatever reason, as long as it makes you happy. That's real love, in my mind.

This might sound harsh, but you are not responsible for her happiness. Breaking up is not going to "damage" her if she was fine before she met you.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you have a lousy reason for breaking up with her. EVERY relationship you EVER have will follow the course you descibe.

If he truly is in a place where he doesn't want a long-term relationship, that's entirely reasonable (though decency dictates that you let the girl know that up front!).

Perhaps he wants every relationship to follow the course he describes?

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Keith

If he truly is in a place where he doesn't want a long-term relationship, that's entirely reasonable (though decency dictates that you let the girl know that up front!).

Exactly! Was thinking of this as I was reading the first post and hey, Keith, you've hit the nail on the head IMHO.

Birger, it does sounds like you're not ready for a committed long-term relationship whatsoever. Because a relationship means progressing and moving onto different phases together with your partner, that includes the heart-thumping excited feeling fading away and replacing with something mature, more steady which we call love and not just that dizzy in-love feeling you are craving and pursuing.

Let the next girl know you're not the type of man yet to be in a relationship so it makes your job much easier. It's also for the sake of the girl too. Let her know early so she has a choice to make, whether she is willing to take such a risk and be with you, or not. Or she could also be the same type of person as you! But the thing is to let her make the decision so that she'll know how to handle her emotions better when your warning became a reality 6 months down the road.

And it also sounds like she really loves you, not the other way round

You don't have to feel excitement with a new person. You can feel it by doing different things with the same person.

[birger]

It's been a couple of days since I wrote this thread, and I've been afraid too check the answers. But they seem too be really reflected and not just "if you blabla then blabla". That's great. I just came home from a party now, and I just had to check this out.

And I just have to say thank you very much guys and girls, I really appreciate it. I'll write the followup tomorrow. Good night.

There she is!

[Lychee]

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you have a lousy reason for breaking up with her. EVERY relationship you EVER have will follow the course you descibe. If you've found someone who really loves you, give her half a chance and stick with her for a while.

I also feel that way.

[Danielle]

Are you bored with her? Or are you bored with yourself? It's too easy to say that if you are bored in the relationship, it's because of something she is doing. It could be something you are contributing (or not contributing) to the relationship that is making it boring. Or are you the kind of person who expects others to satisfy your needs?

You could go through a series of relationships, but until you solve what is really the issue with you, every outcome will be the same.

[andrew]

Find out what's boring:

Is she boring? Are you boring? What did you do when you first started going out that you don't anymore? Or has the novelty just worn off?

[Gordon]

I think you should break up with her. Because she deserves someone better than you anyway, someone who will respect her, talk with her and not just "dump" her when he gets bored.

You need to have your selfish attitude sorted out fast. Admittadly I don't know either of you, but it seems to me you need to wake up to the fact that real life commitments needs hard work and when worked at, then I am sure you will find the excitement you so desire.

But if you don't see yourself as being selfish in this situation, then yes, break up with her now and let her enjoy her life rather than be with someone who just "can't be bothered" to work at it.

[belugagirl]

Good advice, everyone! (Well, most everyone. That last one may not have been helpful.)

My questions to you would be:
1) Do you love her? In what way?
2) Is this the kind of love or other feelings you wish to experience with a significant other right now?
3) Are these the kind of feelings she wants/expects from you right now?

If the answer to 2 or 3 is "No," then a serious conversation is in order. That conversation may include a decision to break up, or--depending on what you discover about her feelings or yours--it may result in continuing your relationship in a new way or with different expectations.

As far as timing, have this conversation as soon you can arrange a good time/environment to talk, when you're both in the frame of mind to listen and focus on each other. (In other words, NOT on the phone or by email, or when either of you is preoccupied by something else.) Other than that, don't wait. Waiting could possibly make the eventual conversation that much more hurtful to her, knowing that you were "thinking behind her back" about this while she was unaware of it. She deserves to have a chance to put her $.02 in, so don't wait until you've absolutely decided what you want. If you even suspect that she desires some feelings from you that you are not capable of giving at the moment, she deserves to know that. Once you each know how the other feels, you can work out--together--what you should do about it, whether that's break up, or wait, or try something new in your relationship.

[John Wesley]

This is a really difficult topic, one that I struggle with myself. I am in a 2 year relationship. I get along really well with my gf, I love her even, I just don't think I am really IN LOVE with her. I'm not afraid I couldn't live without her.

I know I could stay with her forever and be happy, but I have this nagging feeling that love is supposed to be more that just settling on someone you can get along with. The problem is getting out without totally breaking her heart. I have no idea where this is going.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Gordon

I think you should break up with her. Because she deserves someone better than you anyway, someone who will respect her, talk with her and not just "dump" her when he gets bored.

You need to have your selfish attitude sorted out fast. Admittadly I don't know either of you, but it seems to me you need to wake up to the fact that real life commitments needs hard work and when worked at, then I am sure you will find the excitement you so desire.

But if you don't see yourself as being selfish in this situation, then yes, break up with her now and let her enjoy her life rather than be with someone who just "can't be bothered" to work at it.

Well said.

[belugagirl]

Especially after reading some of the posts in here, I wonder if we modern folk are given unrealistic expectations (by media, I guess--TV, movies, etc . . . ) about what relationships are "supposed" to feel like. And I wonder if that is at least a factor in the unfortunately high divorce rate. We expect to feel a certain excitement that we call "in love" and when we don't, we move on--sometimes, even if we're married.

Since it's nearly impossible to know if my "in love" feels like your "in love," though, it's impossible for anyone to tell you if what you're feeling is what your "supposed" to feel, or whether you are the unwitting victim of these unrealistic expectations.

I can offer you my own experience, though, for what it's worth. I definitely think of myself as "in love" with my husband, but the feelings I have for him now are not what they were most of the time we were dating. There IS less "excitement," I suppose, but more intimacy, trust, comfort, and just plain cuddliness. (There is occasional excitement, too, but it's certainly not as consistent as it was when the relationship was newer.) There was a transition time for me, too, shortly before we were married, when this made me question if he REALLY was the one I was "supposed" to be with. But I was patient, that uncertainty passed, and we grew into our "new" relationship as it evolved, and I can honestly say that I prefer these feelings to that "newly in love" sensation--even as wonderful as that is.

You do have to trust your gut, I suppose, but give your gut time to adjust to an evolving relationship with evolving emotions.

[Cassie]

My motto is, if you can tolerate someone long enough to not want to kill 'em, they're worth holding onto

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by belugagirl

Especially after reading some of the posts in here, I wonder if we modern folk are given unrealistic expectations (by media, I guess--TV, movies, etc . . . ) about what relationships are "supposed" to feel like. And I wonder if that is at least a factor in the unfortunately high divorce rate. We expect to feel a certain excitement that we call "in love" and when we don't, we move on--sometimes, even if we're married.

Since it's nearly impossible to know if my "in love" feels like your "in love," though, it's impossible for anyone to tell you if what you're feeling is what your "supposed" to feel, or whether you are the unwitting victim of these unrealistic expectations.

I can offer you my own experience, though, for what it's worth. I definitely think of myself as "in love" with my husband, but the feelings I have for him now are not what they were most of the time we were dating. There IS less "excitement," I suppose, but more intimacy, trust, comfort, and just plain cuddliness. (There is occasional excitement, too, but it's certainly not as consistent as it was when the relationship was newer.) There was a transition time for me, too, shortly before we were married, when this made me question if he REALLY was the one I was "supposed" to be with. But I was patient, that uncertainty passed, and we grew into our "new" relationship as it evolved, and I can honestly say that I prefer these feelings to that "newly in love" sensation--even as wonderful as that is.

You do have to trust your gut, I suppose, but give your gut time to adjust to an evolving relationship with evolving emotions.

Beluga, they are nice sentiments and I would agree with you on most things. However, the question right at the start of this thread, was, How and When should this chap breakup. You see the question he asked has already shown us that he had decided to break up with his girlfriend. He didn't ask for help to sort out his emotions, he ask for a way to and when to break up. His decision to break up is a selfish one, he doesn't care about the girl, he just wants to find an easy way out. If he had asked, "Why or even If" I would have given a nice softly softly answer. But look again....he has decided already to break up with her, by asking that question here in the forum.

I am not saying that he should stay with her, no. But be man enough to face up to the fact he has already decided the fate of the relationship, now he should be a big boy and get the thing done. She is far too good for someone who claims to be "confused and frustrated", but wants justification from everyone about a decision he has already made. That is the reality of the situation.

I'm for the girl....poor thing is in love with someone who clearly only cares about his own feelings right now....

Birger, you need to be a man right now. Speak to your girlfriend, explain that you have already made the decision and that it is best for her to get on with her life. She at least deserves honesty from you.

Then get yourself some serious help about understanding committments in any relationship, whether short term or longer.

Belugagirl is right Birger, when she says feelings change the longer you are in a relationship. The honeymoon period is over. Then real life kicks in and at time it can be horrible, but when you realise someone really loves you, even when you are the biggest pain in the backside, then it carries you for miles.

But you have to be honest about your question and decsion. Get it sorted NOW!! TODAY

G

[belugagirl]

Originally Posted by Gordon

Beluga, they are nice sentiments and I would agree with you on most things. However, the question right at the start of this thread, was, How and When should this chap breakup. You see the question he asked has already shown us that he had decided to break up with his girlfriend. He didn't ask for help to sort out his emotions, he ask for a way to and when to break up.

I'm for the girl....poor thing is in love with someone who clearly only cares about his own feelings right now..
G

Gordon, you have a good point here. I guess I paid more attention to birger's "not 100% sure I should" than to his title. I agree that even if he only 50% wants to break up, he should do so. This girl who loves him deserves a full heart, not half of one, committed to her.

On reflection, it does sound, birger, more like you're hesitant to hurt her than that you're unsure you want to break up. As someone who has been on the receiving end of painful breakups a number of times, may I offer a piece of advice--this time about the originally requested "how"?

I'm sure you don't want to hurt her, but you cannot avoid this. If she does love you--especially if you are her "lifeline"--she WILL be hurt, and there's _nothing_ you can do to prevent it. The best thing you can do is to make it clean. "Trying not to hurt her" often results in unclear or noncommittal behavior or statements that cause more pain in the long run. Be gentle, but be clear. Be honest and direct. You can be compassionate, but don't let it cloud your communication to her, which should be about your feelings about the relationship. (Do, I think, address it in terms of _the relationship_, and not _her_. This sounds less like blame. Besides, it doesn't sound like it IS about HER.)

And then . . . until you discover what this pattern is all about . . . be up front about it with anyone you get involved with in the future. There's nothing objectively wrong with wanting the excitement of new relationships, as long as you're not luring in unsuspecting women with different expectations. You may find women who are interested in the same thing, and then you'll be able to enjoy the newness without the strings.

That is, until you someday discover what lies beyond that initial "new relationship" threshold . . .

Good luck.

[Lychee]

I'm for the girl....poor thing is in love with someone who clearly only cares about his own feelings right now....

Birger, you need to be a man right now. Speak to your girlfriend, explain that you have already made the decision and that it is best for her to get on with her life. She at least deserves honesty from you.

Gordon, you're on a roll here - I completely agree with you.

Stop looking at her as just your girlfriend and see her as a person, a human being, who deserves honesty and respect.